feeling empty

when you love some one, even when its a desperate love, when its a lost cause, you have a meaning, a reason a purpose, you have an objective, you want to show you best side, you are ready to do all for this person, there is nothing which will stop you, nothing....from the moment you open your eyes in the morning, to the time you fall a sleep, you have a focus, a drive, your love, this is what love does to you, you are special, you can do anything...

now, i lost this, i dont love, i dont have any person special, this has been a tough year, i saw my grandfather pass away, some one to whom i was very very close, i saw Anna having a child of some one else, them, like magic, i meet some one, it was like light enter a dark closed room, for a moment i it look like life was smiling at me, in fact it must have been smiling to some one behind me, and for a moment, i had hope, i had the joy the one you feel when you starting falling for some....but it was not real, it was just a illusion...the reality, the truth is that i lost love, there is no new love, there is just a empty feeling...my heart is empty...

and in this cases you focus on work, on something....i cannot focus on work, i dont believe in what i do, i keep pushing this papers, i continue to drive legislation, but i dont believe in what i am doing, its getting to me...i am in this corridor...every one is in holidays....i am alone in there...its how i feel a bit right now...alone...i was always told , if you are correct, if you are nice, if you treat other well, if you show that you are good person, if you love, you love from your heart, if you have true love, you will be happy, life will smile back to you....but did live smile back to me???? i dont think so....

i meet a person...for a instant i was thinking for a moment, for an instant, i was thinking, i am special...but i am special for this other person? or i am just another guy in a huge list? i dont know, but i know one thing, we were both honest, there was no games, no "cheating", i treasure that, honesty, none of this games people play...i am not in here for one night stands, i am not looking to have a friend with "benefits", i want to share a life with some one, for real, totally!

i try to prove to this new person, to this girl, we are not all the same, how many times you listen to girls saying...all guys are assholes...man say all women are crazy.....i dont believe in this, each person is case, we are all different, i am different, i am not the asshole that must guys are today, i am, like other people out there trully nice, yes, there is still good men and women out there...we still exist...but i think people dont even believe we can be nice, that we can be honest, and must people today they give up at the first difficulty they find...she is going to bed with me? next....she doesnt want me?must people simply decide to give up, that is wrong...do you care? do you have feelings? then fight...be there..take as much time as you need...dont give...and on the other side...girls must stop believing that every one was a agenda, stop thinking if this guy is helping me, woowww...he must have an agenda, its just another guy who wants a quick jump on the bed....dont jugde a person for what he/she say, or promise, judge a person for their actions!!! judge for what  a person does for you....talk is easy....

and to make things even more hard....i had to face same demons now...i saw Anna and her child, they didnt saw me, her child is so big, so grown up....and i didnt know what to do..should i stop my car and talk to them??? i didnt do nothing, i keep on driving....

for this and another reason..last friday i had one of the must empty days in my life...i am not hurt, i am not lost, i am not in pain, i am still not in peace, this is not the right word, the right word is maybe empty, according to some zen people this is a good thing, i dont think so...i feel that i am just empty, i have no focus, i have not a real purpose, i am walking in life without a purpose, yes, i am much better them last year, i lead a normal life, i sleep, i eat, i am in really good shape, but this process of rebuild left me with a scars, this scar is now almost healed, but this scar have also remove the pain from me, but also sometimes think that remove my capacity for feel....

there is any message in here???? the only message in here, is even if your life doesnt make any sense, even if there is not purpose, no drive, nothing....you have to keep moving, you cannot stop...you cannot start feeling pitty for your self, this is to easy, this is for quitters, this for people who didnt trully love, did you trully love??? if you did, you must keep walking, you must keep moving, you may dont see anything, maybe you just see a road....empty...your road is a empty desert, the only thing you can see is desert and more desert, you can decide, this desert will never end , and quit...stop "die" inside and by doing this you quit on life, or you walk...you keep walking, you dont know why you are walking, you dont know why life is hitting you, but you must keep walking, you must be like a fighter, that is punched, that is bruised, you cannot longer see the opponent, that is covered in blood, and still raise, that refuse to stay down, the decide, if i am going to be beaten..it will be on my own two feet, i will be standing...cover in blood, hurting, but you refuse to go down, you rise, you keep rising...you dont know what is to quit, you never quits...this is me today....this is what we all should do...i am walking, why??? for what purpose??? for whom??? i have no idea, i only know i must keep walking, you have to find joy in life in every day, even if you have no reason, even if there is none -..you must keep moving...the desert will end one day....all deserts end.....the trick is never stop walking...never quit..i have one big hope, that i will find true love again, and for this i walk every day, for this i will never quit, i may find or not, but one thing i know is i will always look forwad to my path, smile, even when i have no reason to smile and move forward...so the message is....live is a war, a fight, a challenge, so we have to be strong, to survive, to fight another day, but we will never de defected!!

moving free?

i am reaching a point were i am free, trully free, i am suprised, but life is full of suprises, no, i dont have no one new in my life, i dont have a new girlfriend....but i am feeling free....it a bitter sweet feeling....

i reach a state of peace, i am reaching some sort of inner feeling....what happen??? a lot..and nothing...i keep doing my life, doing my sport events, my runs, my "mad" run events, and during this events i meet a group of people...from my old gym...back in my country, i found people who are happy with life, people who go out, who have problems, who have tough jobs, and yet are happy, and yet are there, supporting each other....i found a side of life that i almost have forgotten...

i meet this girl....we meet in a mud run event, we start by talkiing..we share lots of messages, i was stupid...i let hope enter my mind...if you descrive the perfect girl, she would be her!!! she would be perfect for me, we like the same things, she even like the star wars!!!!she is super fit, she is always laughing, she is so happy, we keep in touch, we talk a lot, online and in person...and i get a bit confused...its like you are walking in the desert for years...and you see an oasis, i start falling for her...but she is just friend....she told me that...she is just my friend....now i am not even sure...but life is like this...the problem is after being out of the "game" for so long, i cannot even read the signals...i was thinking she like me....she didnt....but she show me a new side of life...a life of laughing, a life were you can be happy every day....

and this make me realise...there is a life out there...there is a life that i was missing...i need and go look for this life...and also make me understand how far Anna already moved away from me...i dont count...i am off...and i am start to see a person who doesnt respect me....

i keep getting letter for Anna, from my country...i keep asking my family to send them here, i keep putting them in a envolope...driving to her place and put in the her mail box...i even wrote a polite and nice note...but i dont even get...thank you!! nothing...and its sad and not correct when people think you have an obligation to help them, to do things for them....when i was blind..i wouldnt even question this...but i am blind not more....

yes,i meet this person....i would like that things would have been different, i would have like to show her that life is a great journey...but i was not that person....but this...and started to be able to see things, not in a heart fill of love...with a normal heart...i start to see a side of a person i dont like...and this keep making me move away...i keep moving...and i am getting in a better shape, i get more closed, i am more at peace...but all of this have a cost...a big cost....

i am not a person who is happy...i may look happy....people may even think i dont have a care in the world...but no...i am getting cold...i am getting more away from a state where the sun shines...i am walking into winter even if its summer outside...i am becoming a person who pass by others and dont see them.....this is not good...

i had a dinner with some of my collegues last week...and i realise how shocking one sided they see me....how wrong they are about who i trully am....i let them think...they see just one side...i dont care...i dont care about others say...what they think...i maybe show less of "me"....i am not talking so much....i am much more quiet...some already spot the difference...one girl ask me if i was ok...i smile and said yes...its true??? parcial yes.....so i keep walking....i keep moving away....the time i am free, should i keep this blog? is it correct to keep this blog???? i will not close or delete anything...what i say in here is my life...its part of my life...it journey that i carried since 2011....a joureny that start with me totally in love with Anna, and will end with me walking away..is this the end???  is there a point having this bloog if i find some one??? if i break free???  i dont know....

i know my boss ask me if i want to stay two more years in here...i said yes...i come here because of Anna, that was the only honest reason, i could have returned to my country.....and i was thinking...how much hope i had when i come here...and now i am staying because of the last in my mind...because of the money...

life is a strange journey...but i keep being honest with me...with what i feel...and to hell to what other peoplo think...or say...i think this is what we should all do....we should live without fear...without any regrets, without any "if" or "but".....life with honesty!!!

Cinema Paradiso

Cinema Paradiso is one of my favorite films,it was one of the first things i put a "like" when i create my fb page, i am there, the real me, with all the other people who like this film, one of the things i remember is a moment were Alfredo is telling Toto about this story about this warrior  who promise to stay under the princess window for 100 nights, how he resist, the cold, the heat,the rain,the snow...and after 99 nights he left....i never understood, i keep asking myself....come on....just one more night...you would fulfill your promise....

today i understand....he understood, he saw time pass by, he saw the time move and he realize that he could stay there for ever and nothing would happen....and this set him free, he was free from his promise....he was not more happy, he was not glad, he realise that in the end, didnt matter how much we waitied, the result would always be same...he would be alone, he would never have her love...so he left...i can understand now...

i can understand because every day until now, i somehow was that warrior, i keep until under the "window", even if the window was close, even if that house was no longer Anna house, even when there was no longer a window, even if this was not even a conscience thing, with time you lose hope, this is not a conscience process, its just time working....and as you wait you think, you think a lot...and realise,that my 99 day is here, it doesnt change anything wait for one more day...or more 100 days...or  more 1000 days more....or forever...you realise...its over..you realise...life is unfair...that you lost....but you are free.....

is this better???? i dont know how to answer...you move to a different universe...you move to another planet...your heart is not happy, its not a happy place, its a place where love is gone...here you have now a empty spot...

i am free???? will how be so free that i can see Anna with her new child and person and dont feel nothing????? no...i am not even close....

but like i say in my last post...i keep walking....i keep moving away....and its not because you choose to do so....its because there is no other option....its because its the only thing that you have left to do....

if you had this love, you lost it....if you fight, if you keep your walking....you will walk to find peace of mind...you will be able to have a normal day....a normal life....i am that prove....i can tell you today, that is possible....i cannot tell you that this is a happy process, that its fast, or easy,or that the end result doesnt leave with you with deep scars...but you will reach a stage where you can have peace...

i am at peace....for the first time...since 2003...i am able to find some true peace in my mind....i am in state that i can have a relax mind...this is in a situation like now....i dont see Anna....she doesnt make a part of my life....like this i am at peace....yes...i still think about her...yes....i would haved prefer a different result...but a relantionship has two parts...i was just one....

so i am moving...i am moving to find happiness in the company of other people...i can go out and have a dinner with a girl and dont have this stupid feeling that i am cheating on Anna, i am not comparing this person with Anna all the time...no....now its just me and the other person...there is no one else at the table....have i cross the ocean??? have i reach the breaking point???

i have no answer for that...now i understand the warrior who left at 99 night...life moves....to a new future...to a new process...my 99 night moment will be here very soon...or is already here....

keep walking my path

its been a while since i wrote a post, until now i would write when i feel the need, this is a bit like a bit "therapy" for me, but after the last things that happen, the events of the last post, its been a empty inside...i had not the drive to write, i need to face some of my demons....i will maybe keep on writing, all of this posts are a part of my life, a part that maybe one day i can read, that maybe one day some one can read them and better understand me, why i am the person that i am today, what made me change, what are the reasons for the change, one person who knows me, and didnt saw me in a few years, we knew each other for more them 20 years, we did a few championships when we were younger, he ask me, hey, what happen to you?? this was not a critic, it was just a surprise, was the fact i am a different person....this is story of all this post, my journey...my path....

i am on my path, i am keep my walking toward oblivion's, keep waking to a mental state where there is nothing, people will say its a good thing, i cannot say how many times i hear....i was happy when i didnt think about her...i am tired to listen to....i am free from that love...why people say that? i am not happier to stop loving some one i trully care, some one that was the best thing in my lie...not happy at all...

yes..this makes your life more "easy", you can life with a more free "feeling"...you can do anything you want without have to think about another person, yes  you can do anything you want....but is this better? i dont think its better...in fact i think its rather worse, its a life without a bigger purpose, without a goal, without some one to share things, moments, joy....

i cannot say i know what is better for others...i think this is one of the biggest mistakes most people do...on all areas of life is thinking they can know what is better for others....how many times you were told...its better for you...you are much better this way...how do you know???? how other can guess what is better for you?

i start my path away from Anna almost a year ago...for a long time i keep looking back, i would stop my walk, i keep hopping for a miracle...now i know, there will be no miracle...there will be no happy end, there is no going back, now i just have this empty road in front of me, so now i keep with my walking, i dont look back any more, and every day i am bit more free, every day i am more distant from Anna...not better, not happier...more "easier"....maybe more empty...

love fill your soul, it makes you feel like you have a capacity to do anything, that you are the most happy person in the world when you see the person you love smile at you...just that a smile, a look, a touch, it feels your heart with joy...when you lose your love, you are back in a day to day grey life...were things are just normal...nothing is special...nothing is amazing...just normal...some people find this reasuring, better, more "safe".....i am not that person....i would rather prefer to love....

its strange that you are walking away of some one who made me a much better person, who teach some much about life, about relationships, who change me in ways i cannot even understand, in fact Anna will never see the change in me...she will never see how much i change, maybe one day i can tell her all of this...maybe one day she can understand how much i love her....but i am not waiting for that day, i am not looking for that path, i try, more them two years, and it lead to no where...i  did my best...and failed...so now i keep walking away...

sometimes, people who live situations like mine, get cynical, bitter, they stop loving, they start using people, they play with emotions...the reason is, hey i was hurt, so its fair game, i dont care, its like they have the right to hurt others, as long you get what you want, everything is fine... others get depressed, or starting hating the person they use to love...they stop living, they start hating every one....no...that is not the way, learn to live with your lost, learn to be brave...

i keep taking a day by day, i keep let time work, i keep saying all the best about Anna, this weekend, while i was out with some friends, we were talking about people in our past, and say Anna was the best thing in my life, how she use to smile, how she use to call me sweetheart...and they all were staring at me...i stop...they ask me...why you keep saying good things about her??? she left you!!! yes, she decide to break with me, but that doesnt change the time or things that happen between us, i only have good things to say about her...i will never allow no one to say anything bad about Anna, i had a few fights in my own family when people try to say anything not good about her....we broke up not because she was not a good person, we broke up because we both made mistakes...she is today an amazing person and yet i am still walking away, one thing doesnt change the other...

Every day i keep walking away, i have still have a huge road to go, i still not over Anna, yes everyday i have less love in my heart, there will be a day, a time, which i may lose my love for Anna, maybe a different love, maybe even not think about her...but that day is not today...or tomorrow, or next year...i still have a long long road in front of me...and i am not looking for that day, that day that i am "free", that day is not my goal...my goal is to keep walking, to move my mind, to keep my smile, my laughter, my happiness with me, that is my goal...my goal is to live every day, is try to bring joy in every moment of my existence....

i am at a point i can feel joy in my heart, i can smile while i am at home watching a film, yes, there area and will be days when i wake up, i still look to the side, i still remember happier days...there are moments feel lost, that i wish i had a different path in life....but my path in life is was not that one....

i keep my promises, i light a candle every day for Anna, i pray for her, my deal with God over her unborn child still stands, God must be tired of listen to me, always asking the same, i dont ask anything for me, i just ask for my two special persons...why? why i do this if i keep walking?? i dont know, there are many things i cannot say why, i just do what i feel its right for me, what is honest for me....

while i walk my path, i am not bitter, i am not angry, i am not lost, i am like a person who is on a journey, there is good days, there is beauty, there is sadness, there is pain, there is moments where you think, why????there is hope, there is joy, its a journey...

maybe i am reaching a state where i am more peace with the fact i am not the person in Anna life i consider, expect and wanted, she have some one else, she living a different life, maybe i was not as important in Anna life has i think, maybe in the bigger picture of her life, i am just a small footnote, not the important chapter that i was thinking i was, maybe i am learning to deal better with this...

if some one read my blog from the first page will see a journey of two years, in fact they will maybe see a journey of more them that, of almost 10 years, of pain, of hope, and even now, even with all of this, there is not bitterness in my heart.....

i walk, and like walking is a slow process, it takes time, when you walk a lot, you do it slow, and this is like my life is...a slow walk, its not a nice walk in the end of a summer day, no, its a walk in the rain, its a walk in the cold, in the dark, were your legs hurt, you dont see the end, its process that you must believe in the future, even when you have no reason to believe in the future, its like a walk that requires you to have faith and determination, to face all your demons and fears, and never stop, never walk back, never look back, this is not a easy walk, its a long walk, but is a walk i do, that i will not stop, that i am strong to do...and i need to keep telling myself, this is a process that will be long...will take lots of time....where i am walking to???? what is my destination??? is forgetting? peace of mind? a new love? i dont know, i trully dont know, i am afraid to ask even today some questions to myself even today....what do i feel??? trully feel???....

its like am back in the santiago trail...you start a day and walk, you dont know where to stop, while i walk this path, i didnt had a agenda, or place to stop, i stop when i couldnt walk more.....or when i found a place i felt that i like, that it felt i need to stop there...but i know, i will reach my destination, so this is my path now...to keep on walking...to move away....i dont know what will be my future, but will always embrace my past!!!!

punch in the stomach by life....

its like you can see the future, you can see the way things will happen, you wish, you pray, you ask god for a different thing, but yet life shows that you are right....i never want so much to be wrong in my life....never in my life i want to so wrong like now....but now...i was right....

i starting typing post while i was still my office....this post is now on more them 7 tries, i delete and write it several times, i start in the office...the office keyboard was covered in blood, i had blood on my desk, my hands are full of cuts, the garage wall is full of blood of the punches i gave in the wall....for a few minutes i was totaly lost... i couldnt write..went to garage...its a big empty space....and i punch the wall...why???  to try to be alive...to avoid screaming...to avoid crying....this 5 minutes of my life will stay for me for ever...i hit yesterday rock button....you think you are on the way up, that life is better...and its true, you are better, you are on the way up... until you get a punch in stomach...until you see the full pain of life in your eyes...today i saw the end of life....i will write this post...and i dont know if will carry on...i dont know if i will write any more.....26 of march is a day i will not forget....i dont write good, i cannot even express what i feel...and i am suprised...i am chocked...why still now..why after so much time i still am so emotional about this??? why this still gets to me...why??? i dont understand, its not racional, i should be able not to be mad, not to feel it, and yet, i still do, it still gets to me, why can i not move away from this love??? sometimes i think i am fine..i am so fine, life goes on, i laugh, i am happy, i dont think so much about Anna, i feel i walking the right path...that i am ok...and them...bammmmmmgggggggggggggg!!!!!

today the cuts in my hands are better, but there is still cuts...still some big cuts...what happen....its not even easy to write...my mind, my heart...they are still bleeding...i went for lunch with some colleagues...it was a nice day..it was sunny...i was in a good mood...i return and i have a mail from Anna...my heart start beating fast...and i start reading....Anna tells me she is is expecting a child, and that this child is supposed to be born by june...this means this child is now around six months!!! six month????i cannot even express the pain...it like life decide to take me aside and break my spine....its the suprise...the shock...i was not ready....not even close...i had a blank...my brain is dead...i start thinking..why??? why???????? i cannot express all the things that pass my head...way she is telling me this??? she gives her new address, she lives now less them 200 meters from me...but this i knew already....i already had found out...but expecting a child....she is with this guy from september...and she is expecting already a child??? hope she didnt rush things, that she give herself time...no...in 2003 i was a coward, and i saw Anna getting a child....can you imagine see the women you love getting pregnant?? can you imagine see her every day??? every time you see her, you hurt, you lose all hope?? in 2003 i keep saying...dont thinking about it...but every time you see her...you cannot stop thinking, this you keep thinking...this should have been my child....i would be the one kissing you before going to sleep...can you imagine try to smile?? pretend that you are ok??? pretend to this person, the person you love that you are fine...she didnt understood i was chasing other girls, what else could i do? i pretend, but its was a scam, it was false, every day at home i couldnt sleep...can you life with the idea that the person you love is having a child from another guy??? its pure hell....i kill my calves from running in 2003...but that was my fault...i didnt say nothing...i was a coward...i didnt fight for my love...now its different, i move her for her, she knew about my love for her, she knew i would do anything for her...but she decide to ask me to leave her life...so this time is even harder...this should have been my child...and another big thing...why i keep feeling like this??? not even i can understand...

having a child with Anna was my dream, it was something i dream about, i bought a little book with names for childs in her country, so we could spend a nice evening deciding the name of our child, this was a think i wish so much, it will never will happen, and its one of the sadest things in my life, this is a thing will hunted me for the rest of my life....

I will not be the one kissing her belly, making her smile every day, putting her mind at ease, cooking her favourite food, giving her feet massages, read book for the child in her belly, passing my hand in her hair while she read, i will not be the one saying you are so beautiful, i will not be the one spending time thinking of names, getting the expectation and excitement of find if its a boy or girl...i will not be the one in the moment were this child will be born, i will not be there with her, to give her strength, i will not be a father... i will not be the one waking up at night and say, sleep my love, i will take care of this, i will not be there for them when they are sick...i will not be the one see this child give her first steps...no...it will not be me....it will be some one else....and this makes me mad, makes feel life is totaly unfair...and time can come and go..but my feelings seens never to go away....why i cannot free myself from this love???

maybe she is living a happy life, were i have no place, maybe she is so happy, there is nothing more that i want that her happiness, i have no anger, or resentment, or any bad feelings, for me this is still hard to hear, its still a punch in the stomach, i am still in my heart Anna friend, i would still die for her, she is still the women of my life, no, she may not be in my life, no, she will not think of me, but i keep thinking of her, life is a very strange journey, a path that you must follow is the one were you are honest with yourself, i am dont let others guide me, i dont let others decide my action, i follow what i believe, what i think its my path, is it easy? simple? no, its hard, its painful, but this is my path, and this is my decision..i am honest with myself, it my heart will feel, maybe one day i feel different, maybe one day i will not be like this...but i cannot see the future...i can on see what i feel....

i know Anna is worried...i know that she is not having a easy pregnancy, Anna is suffering a lots of health problens, she having a child is not easy, i know for moments she she was scared...and i was thinking...if in the universe sort of need of "balance"...if there is to have a balance, if this child was not suppose to be born, them i can offer a different soluction, i went to church, it almost easter, and i made a deal with God, if there is life that needs to be taken, them He can take mine... the church was totaly empty, it just me, and i hope God, i seat, i was there for an hour, totaly alone, me and God, and i told God, if there is a need to take a life, take mine...i made this promise....yes..its done, one lfe for one life...even today...for a child from another guy...from a person who doesnt care about me...i would trade my life for this unborn child...why??? i dont expect people to understand, i dont expect my friends to understand, that my family would understand, but i understand, i live with i think its what i should do, not what other people think, i have to be honest with myself...with what i thing its right...with what i believe....i would trade my life for this child, this is how i much i care for Anna....there is no grey areas where...how much i care for her?....too much...i dont have any issues with self esteem, no, i do have self respect...i just think today people invented this to issues be able to be selfish, to think only about them...and not feel bad about themselfs...i hear so many times...i have my pride...i have respect for me?!!! do you????? or this is just an excuse to take the easy way out, to not fight, or you are just a bloody coward that is afraid to love, to forgive, to learn, to give a second chance, to see what is trully important, to to know the what is real love...i think this is something that people lost in our modern society, what is true love...and how much true love is important..

how i stand now??? Anna is now starting a new family, a new life, did i need to know? i was better not knowing? i dont know...i only know that now i am back to a bad feel...i am back walking in hell...i just know what i felt when i was reading the mail.....i know the feeling...of being ripped apart... but there is nothing i can do...i hit lowest point, so now i can only improve, this is the only thing i can say...there is nothing more to hit me...i already lost everything, so now there is nothing more to lose...so now its time to move up....i hope that she will be happy, that life will smile to her every day, there is nothing more pure in this planet, that my hope that everything good will come to Anna...

i could have not replied to the mail, i could say go to hell, i could have done a lot of things, but once more, it would not be honest with me...i will reply to mail, i will be honest, i was always honest with Anna and i am not going to stop now...i will reply...but now everything is still to fresh to close...i need time to think....yesterday i run in the cold night for 3 hours...today i run another 4 hours..i limped home...i am so tired that my legs are shacking...my body is shaking...i feel sick...i vomit already 3 times..have nothing left in the tank...i gave everything..but i am more at peace now...i am more relaxed, i dont know if pain and exhaustion of the exercise...but i am more at peace...maybe one day i can look back at this stage of my life and dont feel the pain...now its not possible....

what i do now? move house, change jobs??? no...i will not do that, i will stay here, i will continue to work here until the end of the year...them i see...i can sign another 2 year contract...or leave...i dont know...there is a strange tranquility settling in, its the fact i lost everything, now i am at some how peace...

One of my friends told recently that life always rewards the good people, the good actions...i live believing in that...its easter now...i have the feeling that i am also nailed to cross..i have the feeling doesnt matter how good i am, what i do for others, life will not help me...but i will not stop helping i will not stop being  good...this is all i have got now...no...there is no happy end for me....if this was a film...there would be miracle...i would be with Anna for the rest of my life..even with that child...wouldnt make any difference for me...but that is the films...in reality, Anna will have a new child...she will see this child grow with another man...will grow older without me...i will not see her when i return home...now i have to continue my walk, without looking back....i will keep my journey away from the thing i want more, i will keep walking towards the indiference...toward obliviance....

Now its like i reach the top of my pain, its like i reach the summit, now i have look pain in the eyes, and its like pain has no more cards, pain played all its cards, but i am still here, i am still standing, i am not defected, i am not broken, now its my turn, now its my turn to start playing my cards, now i am start my path away from pain,  i will keep walking away...i will every day walk on my path, i will walk every day another step away from Anna...this is the only thing to do, maybe my heart will turn cold....i maybe will be what i was before...a sort of cyborg...a person with no feeling...i hope i dont turn into a bad person, in a person who doesnt believe in love any more, in a cold cynical person, i will keep walking, i will keep being honest, no...there is no happy end for me....but there is not stop to this  fighting....pain, misery, you lost!!! you played all your cards...you kicked, you punch, you covered me with tears, with blood, and i am still standing!!!i am still alive, i am still good, i am still here...no..no...i will never quit, i will never will be defect....push down i was, but i rise, and i am not broken!!!!! life goes on!!!! the fight is not over, the fight goes on!!! i will see the sun!!!!

listen....

do you listen? do you really listen to what the person who you should care more them anything in the world say?? 99.9% will say...of course i listen....do you??? do you really???

i did say the same, i trully think i was listen, until i realise, i didnt really listen....i didnt understand what was the message behind the words, i can say, hey i am a man, i dont understand, i expect things to be clear....but you are dealing with??? with your friends, with the guys from the gym? nooooo, you are listen to the person who is everything to you, you should pay attention....you should listen....

Anna said a few times...i dont expect any proposal from you...we were together for about 4 months...i didnt listen, i was thinking....she is saying i should move not fast....in fact was the opposite...that i should start thinking if i was ready to get married....didnt i listen when she said i would like to have a baby...i was thinking...its not the right time...she just move in a new job...new country...we had a new place....let wait...how much different would have been my life??? how much better would have been my life??? even today i get feeling of lost of desperation that i cannot express...i didnt listen...i didnt pay attention,...and i was afraid...how stupid can you be??? i can say now i would have done things so different...but now its to late...now its not possible....

do you listen, trully listen, to the little things??? do you pay attention to the women you love?? i am tired...i had a bad day at the office...you say..i do..i say...what happen...seat here...but there is another part...you are tired my love? let me cook a nice dinner...while you get a relaxing bath...let me get you tea...bad day at the office...let go out the next weekend, let have  nice weekend outside the city to relax to be recharge your batteries...this is listen, this is being there for the women you love...this is what is being a partner....its not just being at home, is making your other half feel loved, feel secured, feel appreciated....no...i didnt do all of this...and my love was honest...i was not the perfect the man for Anna, i learn with losing, i hope that most people dont have to lose to improve...that is way i keep this blog alive, to show to people not every one is a asshole...that are people like me, who lost, you improve, who change, who can bring all the love in their hearts for you....

listen to words, but listen more them the words, listen to message, listen to what is in the heart of your loved one, of the person you care more them everything...and yes you can listen and still do nothing, you can still think about you first, you can still have your own agenda first...but them you dont trully love this person, you still dont understand the meaning of true love, i have the impression most people in this planet will never know the meaning of true love, what means to have a true and absolute love, you need to walk in hell to see what heaven looks like, you need to be burn alive to feel the nice touch of love, must of us will never love enough to walk in hell, so at the first stages of problems...of pain...they will quit...they will move on...and think that love is cheap...no...love is everything...but you need to love to trully know this...

so please, listen, trully listen, see what it means...and if you are not sure...try to understand...ask a indirect question, try to see what is the real mean of what your love is saying...in my case i should have ask...i dont expect a proposal from you...i should said...my love, i love more them anything in this planet, tell me what is important for you, what you trully want??? yes, this may lead to a marriage proposal...but my heart was right, my love was pure, i would have been ready to marry Anna, why i didnt?? not because i didnt love her...because i was wrong about the priorities of my life...this would not happen again...never...

please...life doesnt give you many chances to be happy...so dont waste your time in people that are not worth while, and give everything to the ones you love....
 

Me...

Me, who am i???? what defines me as person? its my job? its the money i have? its the values i have? what I stands for? what i am willing to die for? to kill for??

who am I??? is my name vicent de havilland? no, this name is my blog name, its not my real name, its just a name i use, its a combination of uncle of mine which was a very interesting person and who fascinate my youth with his stories and a company who use to build planes....

I like planes, i build so many little kit planes when i was a kid, about i was fascinate by planes, i study them , made them i draw them, and this name was something i like..de haviland...so the name stick with me...why i dont use my real name??? to protect Anna, so she keeps living her life...so people one day will not go and ask questions, to protect her child....that why i never make specific and real indications...

yes, the little snow man on the photo.. i made it, in one of my travels, i am not the best snow man builder!!! my country doesnt have a lot of snow, almost none....so i dont have a lot of experience...

who is the real me? some of the people who work with me,they think they know me, some of my friends think they know me, they both are right and wrong..they know parts of me, the person who knew better was Anna, but today even her doesnt know me totaly...

people who work with me think i am mad person, loud, funny, mad person, they think i am a womanizer, who is telling stories, maybe i am guilty of giving the wrong impression, sometimes is so much more easy to pretend, because the true you may scare people, may lead to people to think that you are snob,a shadow from the past, crazy, stupid  no one believes in true gentlemen, how its possilbe? every one have an agenda...maybe not...when i tell my stories sometimes they will think i am inventing then, but like a friend once told me, just tell the truth and if no one believe you, they will be surprised one day to find out, after all it was real...it was true...like he say blind them with truth, its so strange way people dont believe what you tell them simply because they live different lives, i did things, i saw things that most people whould not do, will not see, i tell them,  if they dont believe it i dont mind...sometimes its hard to believe for a lot of people that you may have a live a life that is not common...that some things happen...in the end yes i did and lived and see things that most people never even imagine...and i dont regret nothing i did...

i am person who trains martial arts, who trains self defense, for years, i lived in asia for 9 years, i learn martial arts in there, not a sport, no, martial arts, its very different, i train self defense,  i did fight a few times in my life, as a last resort, not to attack, never, just to defend, just when its the last option, i am not a bully, i am not arrogant, i am not looking for fight..i always tell...fight is always the last option...walk away...but i will fight for what i believe, that is better to die for what you believe them them go home and life with the fact that you let something that shouldnt happen, happen....maybe my colleagues know about this...they create one dimension side of me, maybe i also help to create  this picture...others who know only from offical work, from seminars and meetings....see the guy who does great presentations, who can talk in public, professional, soft spoken, this people, who know me from meetings and dont know me, think they know me...that i am quiet and soft spoken person....my friends, know my dedication to my sport, the sport i do since i am 13, that took me to nice places across the planet, that made me reach and meet so many people...that is challenging, that is some times dangerous, that involves the sea, they know that i dont go out a lot, that i not a big spender of cash, that i was a good student, that i stick with my family, that i am not buying all the latest tech things, they also know that they can count with me, that i mental about fitness, that i never quit, even when its better to quit, even when you know the end result, even when you know that I will lose...i dont quit...that i am stuburn...some think i am arrogant, that i have to much self confidance...one dimension....must people just see one dimension of me...

people who know me from the gym see my almost mental dedication to fitness, i am in the gym every day before 07.00, i push hard, people in there think i am mad sport person, i was asked several times what i do for living,am i a professional sportsman?? i am in the army??? police??? no, i am guy who works in an office for a international organization, i develop documents and evaluate techinal documents...they are always surprised, and i can talk more them basic stuff, more them exercises, more them training routines, i am not thinking only about fitness,i am not a gym rat, i read books, i watch films that people in the gym dont even expect, that they not even know that exist...its not about being just one dimension....

people who see my driving my station wagon...think family guy, with kids and maybe a dog...no...not even close....we  all thinking we see the others and know who they are, what they do, what person are they....some think i am happy, a always happy person....this is not true, i am optimist person, i am someone who is always thinking that something good will happen to me, happy???? no....family man...i wish...

we all make the mistake of thinking we know the others well, that we know who they are....but almost no one see the full picture, must people who know me, they dont  see my inner me, the values i defend, the person i have become after losing Anna, the level of love i have...i dont know if "have" is the right word...i cannot say  for sure "had"....i am not sure about have were i stand towards love...i truly not...

most people i know did not understood why i was in government job, not well paid, when i could have a much better paid job, with experience i have, why i didnt want to be "more", why? why not get more money?? but work, money...its not this that define, my job is not the most important thing for me, why? because i care more about having time, have a life outside my office, have time to share with some one i love, this is more important them money, i was in very well paid jobs, in very bad paid jobs...and my life doesnt change, my days, my weeks are not very different, i focus on the life after work, i think its more important to have time for the ones you love, to have time to do things, to be there for the important people in your life, life is not about your professional title, is not about your money, its not about your getting power, life is about being generous, its about being respectful, its about living for others, not only for you...this is me...

taking risks, not be afraid of put your word to the test, to say love is the most important thing we have in life, to risk everything for love, to being able to leave everything behind for love, to risk my life, to go a foreign country, to go to places that taxi drives wouldnt go, to be told i was going to be killed 3 times, to go on the darkest corners of a city in asia, to see the most dark sides of human nature, to look for some i care, to put this person in front of everything, to see the worse of human kind, all for love, for a person who would tell me after a flight of 20 hours,in a airport in 1996, i have a new boyfriend...to be able to rebuild my life, to love like i never expect to love again, have the possibility to meet and love Anna, to have meet and lose the most amazing person in this world, to be touch by joy and pain, to be willing to die even today for Anna, even after she doesnt give a damn about me, even after she cut me from her life, who doesnt care about me, to live life love with passion, with almost madness, that is me...

to go home, to cook for myself, to be able to enjoy being alone at my home, drink my tea, watching a stupid film in the tv, to go and have my ice cream in the park, to read a book outside,all by my self to ride my bike to work in the snow, to be able to resist losing a very close member of my family, my grandfather and being there for my family, even when there was moments i just want to cry, i hold it, i keep holding my mother, my brother, i keep telling them be  strong, cherry the person in your heart, he will live for ever with us, to there for them, to put a show, to be strong, even if you were not, but some one as to hold it, this is me...

to have one word, to not to cheat, to respect, to be there, to persistence, never to quit, even when maybe quiting is the best way, the only choice...to still think tomorrow will be better them today, that even if i dont understand my path in life, even if i am walking still some days in hell, that one day the sun will shine, that love will be there for me, not to be afraid of being alone, to be good just with me, just being alone and happy, to think age is just number, that life is a joy, that life is to be enjoyed, that life should be good, sometimes not easy...but good, that we never should stop fighting for what we believe...this is me.. 

being responsible, i am being taken responsability in my life since early age, for my brother, he is younger, them later for my family, for me, for others, to do the right thing, to live with honor and respect, that its me...

to love one person, to love only one person, to fully dedicate to this person, to believe what this person told me, to believe that people actions and their hearts are the same of the promises they make..maybe this is the biggest disapoimtment of my life, i think others are like me, because i will never say and promise things i will not do, which i will not respect...if i say i do...i will do...i dont care what it "cost", what is the "price" to pay, this is me...

and people my think...woowww...you are so "nice", why you are alone?? you are just blowing your own trumpet hey..its the net, this guy can say whatever he wants...no one is like that...like i said before, sometimes just say the truth, i dont care if people believe of not, there is nothing i say in here that is not real, that is not truth...

i change, i am a different person , i am a better person, i dont judge people, i dont label people, i think for example that what defines a person is the values, the love, the caring, not the job tittle, not its passport, not its sexual orientation, not is bank account, this is me...

maybe i am alone because everything i say here, i am being fully honest, i life with my code, with what i think its right, and yes, its not easy to fit in this world,  this is me...i am like this...i have no one in my life, but my heart is still not fully free, and my stupid heart as one one place, for only one person, you can ask, how you can be stil not be free??? she doesnt care about you, i know this, i she kick you out of her life, i know this, and my heart is still not yet fully free...maybe i will never be...for a person which i found very recently did some thing i think is not correct, that there is no respect... but my heart still is not free, i know myself, it will take years and years, and until this is not solved i am not able to move forward with love...i am not interested in one day stands, i am not interested in chasing girls with lies for a good time...so i am stay alone...you can say..to be stupidy....but this is also me....

but i was not always like this, i was far from being tolerant, i was not right, i think kid eduction was like army drill, that a meal would be a test of wills, where you wouldnt fail, that life was made of rules, of routines, where there was a "me" agenda, yes i was like many others, selfish, self centered, i am my own agenda, i didnt learn to adpated, i always think i was right, that i was always right, that you dont need to show your feelings, dontt need to tell the person you love, how much you love her, and that all the nice things, the little things...its for movies...i wouldnt change a day of my sport to be with Anna...i need to lose love,i need to lose the two must important persons in my life to change, i need to be kick in teeth by life, my heart still bleeds when i think i could had everything i want, and i didnt even realise it, that it was there under my eyes...i need to lose to understand what is really important in life...but life changed me...i improved as human, as man, the only thing is life is not like the movies...in the movies in a twist by end the nice guy always get the girl, life is not like that, this is reality and it will never happen!

i loved Anna without hope, with hope, with all my heart, i love with a blind and mad way, and yet i will not get her back, no life is not like the movies, there will no happy end for me...i will not be with Anna, i will not share her life any more...but should i stop being me??? i cannot....i cannot, i am me, when you see some, try to see the entire person, dont judge this person on what you see in that moment or in a fuction, maybe there is a lot more in that person, we are not all one dimension, i have so many dimesions, and its all of them that make me, me....

so you am i? i am person you goes to church, who prays and lights a candle for a person who doesnt care about him, who helps others, so will fight for others, who is honest, passion, but i am also person who teach others how defend thenselfs by hurting another fellow human, i am a person you will find full of life, who will never forgets his friends, i am person who is not afraid of death, but wants to life, i am person who reads Nietzsche, but which sees crap action films, i talk about zen as much as how to break an arm, i travel, i see others i think life is a long and unknown path, i am person who thinks life is important, that love is rare and only one, that you should never stop figthing for what you believe, that there is only one person in my heart, and i rather life alone for the rest of my life them being a asshole who cheats...

so who am I?...me? not easy to say...what is the best way to say something about me...you can say...that is the guy who truly love Anna!!!

a true man never ever hit a women!!!!

if you are man, one thing you never do, ever, its to hit a girl, there is no excuse, there is no reason, there is no exception, its very simple, you never ever hit a girl!!!

one of the most basic things you should learn in life is that you shall never hit a girl , hurt a girl is wrong, its super wrong, and there is no exception, and if you see any person doing this, you should go and break this guy into pieces!!!!!

i speak in here about i feel, about i see, and this weekend, in the middle of the street, in a european city, in a proper area, around 23.00, in front of a bar, with lots of people inside, and some outside, there was this guy shouting and slapping a girl...no one one did nothing...i know today people are afraid, of lawsuits, of being involved, of being hurt, of getting involved, but...how can you go home and know you didnt nothing???????

i am not looking for any trouble, i was just walking to my car, i was returning from the cinema, but i saw it, and i went to separated them, yes, in my mind i want to hurt the guy, this is one of things i truly hate, it drives me mad, furious, total crazy, seeing a man hitting a girl, i dont know why this is happening...i dont need to know, i dont care, it simply wrong...i push the guy to the floor....he was drunk, one of the people watching come forward, i was thinking, i am going for a fight, i dont care...i am still in a state that i have no fear, but no, he just say...he is drunk, that his girlfriend, she is leaving him and she was "cheating on him"....so this guy is a friend or at least know this guy...and he didnt nothing??? did he think that the fact he was drunk...or something happen gives him the reason to hit, to hurt, to slap a girl??? what is wrong with people today??? dont you have any respect? values??

if she did something wrong, if she cheat on you, or lie....them walk away, leave her!!! hurting her, beating her, is not right, its bloody wrong...there is not excuse, there is not reason why any man should do it!!! and if you think its right to do so, you must learn a lot about life, about love....and pray that you never come across me in your life....

in end the girl went away....the friends of the guy helping him stand up...he look at me, he start shouting that he was going to kill me...i look at his friends and say.....please, i dont want to fight, i dont want any trouble, just take him away....yes part of me wanted him to try to fight me, part of me want to hurt him, but the drunk guy and his group went inside the bar...but i also told his friends, you are all bloody cowards, you shouldnt never allowed your friend to hit a girl....they didnt say nothing...

how can you hit a girl??? how can you raise your hand for a person who loves you, you cares for???or that love you??? that was a part of your life...maybe you become separated, maybe there was some bad stuff....but hit her????...hurt her???with you for that??? what sort of person are you???  if you do this you are nothing them a bloody coward, a low life, you are scum!!!

what society are we living??? what values are teaching our kids???? what happen to respect?? to love??? to care??? to be a gentleman???? what happen to do something?? to stop a bad thing from happening??? last weekend i was shocked, not only there was this guy hitting a girl, but even more shocked that no one, and there was lots of people watching...no one didnt nothing??? how can this be possible????

i would prefer to be beaten by some guys while trying to stop a girl from being hurt,i prefer to be hurt, to get bruises, to be covered in blood, them going home knowing i saw a guy or guys hitting a women and did nothing...

some people think this is a "lower" class problem, that in today society this doesnt happen...its wrong, it happens, it happens in all walks of life, it happens in all the countries, it happen across all ages groups, and it happens because people let it happen, we all turn the blind eye...its not my problem...she did something...i should be involved in a private matter...hey...excuses...if you know...if you see it, broke the legs of the guy, hurt him, this is low, this is despicable, a man should never hurt a girl...

we all have problems, we all have high and lows in our relationships, but raise a hand, never, you can be furious, you maybe even scream, but never hit, if its bad, just walk away, go, walk your desert, walk through hell, i walk in hell, i am somehow still walking in hell, doesnt matter how bad it is, violence is not the answer...

and if you know a girl, if you are girl, who is being hurt, you may say...it was only once, he was drunk, he have problems, he was not himself...he loves me....sorry, a man you raise a hand to you doesnt love you, dont respect you, he is no good, there is no excuse...you need to move on, you need to respect yourself, there is nothing more wrong them a  guy hitting you!!!! i guy that hits you, doesnt love you...is that simple..

love is not about violence, the true signs of you love is when you lose everything, whem you are facing a situation that there is no future, that life for you like wanted is over, is in lower moments of your life that you show your true colours and show to the other person how much them mean to you, even if your heart is full of hate, or pain, or desperation, you are man, you are a person of good, so show your true colours, leave her with respect, with love, even if you think she doesnt deserve it, you will prove to you and her, that you love her.

if you resort to violence, then you are not a man, you just a low life...

this problem has two sides, one is yourself, and as man, as person who love, you should never ever raise the hand to no women, never, for no reason, there is always a choice, there is always the option to walk out...violence is not and answer....and there is the other side, we should never consider this is ok, that you if know, or see it, and no nothing, you are some how being part of this violence...there is we all, we should never let this to happen, to be consider ok...nooooo---there is no grey areas, there is only one thing...act!!!! we all have a role to play, we all have a part to play, to be respectful towards women, to teach our kids to never resort to violence, to be gentleman, to be good, to have honour, to have virtue, that love is never an excuse to hurt others, life is not a walk in the park, its never easy, but a warrior will not hurt women, a warrior will walk away....

i would rather die protecting a women i dont know, that going home knowing i did nothing...

being a second choice?

Would you accept to be a second choice, would you give some one who is not your true love a chance???

is there a clear answer? is there a easy answer???if you see things, most people will say, yes the answer is clear....we all like to say....no....i will wait for true love...i did think like that..but i am not so sure any more, is because i am older? is because i live a lot? i always consider, i should love, i should believe in love, pure love, honesty...i always consider you should not go look for a second choice, not settle for a second choice, you should be honest to yourself....

but i did think a lot, would i had accept being a second, or even third choice to the person i love? would i stayed with someone i trully love, even knowing that person did love as much? there is not a yes or no answer, because we all will answer in a different way..some will say no...i wouldnt stay, because they are too proud for being a second choice...

i am honest, i would stayed, i would had loved being Anna second choice, i would would say yes, in a heart beat... its true what i felt for her was pure, i always believe that if you love with all your heart, with all your soul, if you had true love, pure you would conquer anything...well...reality prove is not like this, life is different...

but the question remains, should we stay with some we care, or like but dont love??? will we be happy this way??? can we learn to love a person with time??? when we are young we believe only total will do, nothing else is not even considered...but you grow, you see life...and you start asking yourself...should i give the chance to some one who loves me???

i am right now living this question, i have person, some one i know for more them 20 years, she says she want to share a life with me, we are friends, we do the same sport, i know her family, i stay in their house, they stay in mine, but i dont love her, she is a good friend...should i move to her country? should i decide to start a family with her???

i am person who is honest, if would do that, i am sure if we would had kids i would be a good father, i would respect her, i would be honest with her, but would i be a good husband? would i be a good partner? would do anything for her? would i be thinking of a me? or would be thinking of a us??? i cannot answer this questions...and i dont want to find out in the real life, i think a person deserve the best from you...i know she would give her best...i dont know...

i know two persons who life with a second choice, why? because they share a life, they have a family, they have a place to go after work, they have some one to share the good moments, the bad moments, yes, its no love, yes, its not a life with a mad rush, but its like a calm walk in the park, they are there for each other...yes this not more them lots of people have??? is not this enough???

right now i dont know...i truly dont know....but this is something that is coming to my mind more often, that i am reach for stars, that i am looking for the impossible, that i am trying to find something that is to rare, that i would look around, that i should find peace and joy in a enjoy a life with some who cares for me, that we could do things together, instead of being alone...maybe this is a question that we all ask yourselfs....second choice....it sounds bad....maybe we should ask instead....alone or being with some who cares?  with some we care for you???

life is not made of black or white choices, some are gray, some are not clear, but we most be think and believe in the choices we make....maybe being a second choice is not so bad....maybe giving some who care for you a change is not so bad....we all have to think, we all must make a choice, look for the true love, wait, life alone, give a choice to some one who dont trully love, be a second choice to the person who trully love....we will make a choice, we will take a decision, but after this decsion is taken...what ever this decision is....take it with all heart and soul...and them embrace it, and never look back,  stopping looking back....we never know, maybe life will surprise us....

17 of February

17 of February, a day, like many others, for most people, just a Sunday, a day like so many others, a day that will maybe leave without any trace in theirs life's, just another day....

for me its different, its a special day, i wrote a post about this same day last year...on the 17 of february...one year...its special day, a day i will not forget, a day that brings a lot of memories and emotions back to me, we all have a 17 of february in our lifes, we all have this special day, we all have memories that makes us smile, that make us cry, to celebrate, to hunt us, to makes us think...

17 of february of 2006, its a day will mark my life for ever, yes, 7 years have pass, and in my mind it was yesterday, it was now, its just like its still happening...i am home, my original place, not my working place, today i visit a friend who is a bad shape, he just return home after 3 months in the hospital, big car acident, he recently bought a new apartment, i never had been there, and as i walk back to my car....i come across the place where this adventure, about the reason i stat this blog, started, the place where my my life took a big change, a place that is now burn in my mind for ever...i stop... i keep looking....i look at the door....i was there...just looking...the person who is at the door said, if you want to enter, today its free, you dont need to pay...i said no, the person insisted, its one of the best views of the city....

i know that, i know that so well, i didnt want to enter, i didnt want to go and remember, but i did, i walk in, and i stay there, it was raining, i didnt feel it, what it look like 5 minutes was almost two hours...and i saw the last 7 years of my life passing in front of me, i saw the all the big moments, the little things, the good, the bad...everything....

for that two hours i saw the fights, the love, the being together, being alone, i saw it all, no pretends, everything, for real, my life move in front of me, my hopes, my dreams, my failures, two hours.....i was walking down from that place, i just realize i am shocking wet, all my clothes are wet, and yet my mind dry, its clear, its not happy or sad, its was just clear, it is moving forward...life and time is moving me forward....

how we deal with our past? how we deal with the people we lose??? do we should feel our hearts with anger, hate, some say yes, it helps moving apart, it helps moving forwards, others say pretend it never exist, burn everything, burn even the must little piece of remembering....i say, and its only my opinion, love every moment of your past, learn every day to life without that person, learn to move forward, learn to look at other people and smile, learn to open your hearts to happiness, let time do its work, let life move you forward...dont hate, dont burn, you love that person, you would have done anything for her/him..so respect that, and you will be respecting yourself....

yes, this day is not easy, it will never be easy, but would i prefer that that day never happen???? no, i dont regret nothing, i would do it all over again....i am a much better person today, this 7 years teach so much at me, i am so much better, we should embrace this 17 of februarys, see in your heart all the best that this other person brought to your lifes, see beauty that you share....

yes...some will say...i would prefer to be with that person...i understand, i would give 20 years or more of my life to change my life, if i could be back to 2003 and part of the deal would know that i  be dead in 2013, i would have donte it....in instant, i wouldnt not even need to think about it... but now its over, i waited, i tried, i fail, it didnt happen, so what i do? i embrace my past, and look forward for the future, i will see this day as a sign, a touch that i must honor, i must be a better person, i must continue to move to be more human, to love others, to respect, to be less thinking of me, and bring more joy to others, this day is the day my life change....

i made to myself a promise, every 17 of February, i will be in that place, every year from 15.30 to 16.30 i will be there, rain, sun, if i am alive, if i can walk, i will be there, the place were everything started, i am not doing this like i am waiting for a miracle, to look for Anna to walk back in my life, no i am doing that, i am not to look for the past, not looking for a person that is no longer part of my life, no, i am not waiting for Anna...that is over!

no, i am waiting for me, i am waiting, i am celebrating the moment that my life change, as a remainder to myself, every day, every year is a journey, a path, and that we should do everything to be good and happy....this day is now a way to show to myself, i have to improve, to be better, to be a better friend, a better brother, a better uncle, a better son, a better me, this is what this day means now for me, a path to improvement...

maybe it doesnt make a lot of sense to others but for me its very clear, so my friend, use your 17 of february, use your magic moment, use your magic day, and use to start a new path, a new journey journey of improvement, or growing up, of moving forward, and never stop believing, life is worth living!!!!

Moving the world

How can you tell if you trully love some one??? when can you say, i love this person, i love you!!! talk is so easy, we do it every day, we promise, we make bold statements, we make compromises, we say so many things....

and yet when the time comes...i was busy, it was not possible, i had a job...i had couldnt left my family, i forget, i was afraid...it was not the right time...and the list goes on and on....i am sure we all have been there...we all know what i am saying...there is a big different between just talk..and do...from a early age we learn to get priorities, to see there is different connections between you and others, that some people mean more to you them others...in our "sad" world, in the world we live today, we are told to think on us, to think about yourself before any other, and slowly we start to believe we are the centre of the universe, that others exist in our lifes to be there for us...

we are told, not to take risk, to be safe, to be follow the crowed...day by day we start to build wall, to be afraid, and we start to forget what is really important...

we all said, i love you, but how much of us really meaning that??? do we really understand what i love you means???

what this means...I love you???? i like being with you? you are attractive and i want to have sex with you? you are nice to me? i want to spend the rest of my life with you??? you are my soul? you are my  light? you are my morning star? you are made me feel like the happiest person in the world even in my worse day??? i would die for you??? i would kill for you??? i will move the world for you???

what means??? for some people means just words, it just something you say...something that were said so many times that they meaning nothing, its just an expression, like good morning..or its sun today....they use for a purpose, to get what they want from others...it doesnt have any really meaning...it lost its  value....love is no longer a feeling...a magic place...its a supermarket...a place you go to get what you need, and if you find a new supermarket with new things you move to the other person....

during my recent stay in my country i meet almost my friends, they all come to the funeral of my grandfather...and i ask them...do you love your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend??? they all say...of course...sure...yes...and them i ask...what this really means to you??? what means i love you....and the most strange thing was they looking at me....roll their eyes...and a 10 to 20 seconds wait....to say anything....some answers...it means he is my husband...or she is nice...or....i am use to her...if you doubt me, try the experience yourself...ask one of your friends...when they are no waiting...and see what they tell you...how long they need to think before given you an answer...i dont say there is no love...of course there is...they are people in this world you trully love...this dont need time...they will start telling you why...in less them a second...and you will have to tell them after a few minutes...hey....i understand!!

if you ask me..what means...i love you...for me means..you are my reason to live, you are my life, my morning star, the light that guides me, you are my air, my light, my joy, the soul mate, you are my priority in life, you are gentle breeze in a hot day, make me feel special, alive... i could go on and on....

when you love some one there is no barriers, there is no.. its impossible, there is no reality, there is no stoping, you would move the world, you would walk into fire, you would do things that in a right mind, you would never even consider doing...when you are in love, this feelings make you do anything...there is nothing you wouldnt do for the person you love...

you may say...talk is easy...its easy to be here in this blog saying this...telling us, you would move the
world....i know talk is easy...but i am not just talking...i am would do exactly what i said...i done it, i done things that i never consider doing it, it did things i will never tell no one else, all by love...i learn my lesson...i also did like all others...i was thinking of me....me first...and i lose...lose the love...lose the person i care for...i saw the worse in people, i walk in places that taxi drivers would avoid...i walk in places that no person in the right mind would go...all for love, i know that i would have done anything for Anna, and she knows that...anything, anytime, any where...its not talking....

its doesnt matter if you are a kid, man, a women, single, married, if you are touch by love, if you are honest, if you are correct, you would move the world, if  i was married when i felt in love with Anna, i would think well what this mean, what this would made me feel, i would not play it around, i would play any game, i would go fixed my situation, i will make a clean break, and them and only them i would risk everything for love, this is love, this is not being affraid, we all can fall for love when we dont expected, but how we deal with this feeling defines the person we are, so are cowards, keep living a double life, you cannot love two persons...i cannot, some try to forget, some fight to end, and even if the end is just pain, even if in the end there is nothing...you move the world, you love the other person with honesty, with full passion, you suffer, you lose...but you loved!!! so when i hear this excuses, i couldnt...it was not possible...it was not the right time....you didnt love....today i know...if i love again...i rather die following my love them stay home and live a "normal" for many years...

today i am track to lose the best feeling in the world...love...every day i keep walking away from Anna, every day my heart is more cold toward her...i am walking this path..its not a happy walk..its not the walk i wanted..but its the walking i am doing....this the path i am taking, and i stop looking back....is this better?? i am more happy??? no....but i can live better every day...but i dont have this magic power that made me do wonderful things, now i am centered on me, i still help others, i live with honor, with what is rigth, but i am not the most stronger person in the planet, i am not the most brave sould in here...why???? because i lose the feeling of love...if you trully love, you are the stronger, the most brave person...you will do anything for the person you love...you would jump in the sea even knowing that you will not make it...this is what love makes you....brave...imortal.....trully alive...

now my friends keep saying..at last!!!...its good for you!!!! finaly!!!! but is this so great??? is this so amazing??? to lose the feeling of love???? i dont think so....

so what is love??? what means i love you...if  this person doesnt make you feel like the most happy person in the universe, that angels smile at you, that joy is always with you....if you are not ready to die, kill, do anything for this person...anything...really move the world you dont love her/him....and if this is the case...maybe who should be honest with yourself...and move on....

My grandfather!!

My grandfather pass away on last Wednesday, he was 98 years old, , he may have lived many years, but  he he was not old, he was still driving, going to the shops, walking, making jokes, living, enjoy his life, he work in the garden, clime in walls, he paint the wall, he was in good shape, he die in peace, in seconds, while he was talking to my mother, he didnt felt a thing, he just close his eyes and went in a new journey...

we try to prepare for this, but we are never prepared, we still get a punch in the stomach when this happen, we still feel lost, there is no words, no way to express the feeling of lost...

my grandfather was a person very close to me, i grew up with him, the professional life of both my parents meant that they would need to travel, to spend long periods outside, i share this big house with my grandparents, he was always there for me, he was my friend, telling me all this stories about the "good old days" about his life adventures, he had a great life, full of events, full of stories, we share the first name, we share many other things, he was a athlete, he was president of a little club, he lived abroad, he was always trying to be good, to be honest, to be patient...he was a many of honor, i would be proud if i was close to what he stand for!!!

i learn a lot of life with him, i see how can a person share a life with other for years and year, how he could dedicate hinself to my grandmother, who is still alive at 96, and is now totally lost...

my grandfather didnt want money, he refuse many better jobs, more money to keep close to his family, he never care about fame, he never care about material things, and because of this he was a happy man, he was a very happy persons, his life was build by his hands, he build a life in difficult times, and he never hear from him a bitter word, a word of anger, of complain....

he was a wonderful person, we use to go with me when i still didnt had my driving license to my sport, he was always going with me to help and stay and wait for me to return to drive me back home, he was a inspiration for me, i saw him as way to get old, how to approach life, to deal with people, respect, honesty, love, care...

now he is gone, he left us, but he will stay with me, he will life in my heart, he will be present for ever in me, but i still feel this lost, this void, its never easy lose some one you trully care....

i life in a different country now, when i knew i rush to the airport, i went to companies, i found a flight back, i get the call at 17.10, i was home before 22.30!!!! i had to come, it just that simple....i call Anna, she knew him very well, he like her very much, but Anna rection was cold....she was the only person, with all the ones, even people i dont call as friends, who didnt say, if you need anything, call, no....like she didnt care...its not the best, you feel that life is bad...unfair....

this last days have been hell, yesterday Anna call me....i was thinking, good, she is calling to see how the things this wouldnt measn thing, just being a friend, just respect, being there for a friend in need.....Anna knew my family very well, we help her, she was part of us, we all loved her, but no, she told me, sorry....it was a mistake....few seconds....i was in a church to mourn my grandfather, and i realise other thing, every one had some one to go back, to give him or her some confort, no me, i have my family, but no person to ask if i am doing ok, i spend the last days being an anchor, a rock for others, i am being strong for other, and no one ask me, how i am doing???? no, people think, he is strong, he is fine....

today i say goodbye to grandfather, today was the funeral, it rain, it was a sad moment, and i just come here, i open my facebook, and there was...Anna is in relantionship, wwwoooo, this is really the message i need, i cannot express, its not that had any hope, no, Anna as and still is regard in my family as some one close, a person we all care, but now, i have to ask is there any respect??? and friendship??? do i know this person??? is she trying to hurt me??? or simply i dont count as shit??? for the first time in my life i was not happy with Anna, i was thinking, next time she need my help, i will treat her, like i treat any other person...i dont know...what is coming in my mind, i lose my grandfather, and now this, on the some day of the funeral...i get today knifed by life twice day, both hurt so much, i dont feel good, i dont feel strong, and yet, after closing this text, i will put my best yellow smile and try to keep my family together, keep the family strong, me...i am dead, today i am dead inside...and i will be there for them, i will not let no one go down, i will help them staying standing, moving toward a better day....

i am trying to gain inspiration from my grandfather to move on...to be strong, to try to walk into the light, to avoid darkness entering my heart, its not easy, its not easy at all....i pray, i pray a lot, put today, i am asking myself, why???? why??? why me??? why i need to suffer all of this???? where is god?? where is my life going??? today my heart and soul are full of questions....

i have no words, i am not in the best of times, today death is not my enemy, today death is friend....no, i am not crazy, i will never do anything crazy, this is not me, but today i lose a bit of my human side...

if i had no seen, lived and saw the lessons of my grandfather, today i would have been a very different person, today i will be 100 times even more worse, today i have question myself....what now??? what is my future??...and i have no answer....today i am in state i never remember ever been, today i am lost....i have no direction, i have no bearing...

now is closing this computer and be a rock for my family, even if inside, i am in the worse shape of all of them....and no one will see or know that!!! sometimes we need to be brave for others, i have a responsibility, i have to carry now the family torch....

keep fighting?

I am in a strange phase, time is supposed to conquer all, to help you, yet time keeps on moving, days keep on moving and i still asking myself what should i do????

you can smile, you can laugh, you can fool every one that you are great, that you are super well, but are you really that well?????

one of my close friends ask me why i dont start dating? why i dont start going out it any girl that is interested in me? why???

i dont see Anna since september! i should have close my heart, close my eyes, my heart, i should have her presence leave my soul, i should stop dreaming with her, either with my eyes close or open, i should have be able to pass a day without think about her, about her child....

why i cannot???? there is no hope, there is no plan, there is nothing...i am not going by all the photos, i am not checking her page in FB, i am not trying to see her...no, i am "clean" in this aspect, i am doing everything right, i carrying on with my life, i am doing all the "right" things, eat well, having a good time with my friends, exercise, trying to give myself goals for this year, if you see from the outside...if you talk with me, i am "cured", i am fine....but i am not...

is this just me??? i am so different that every one else???? maybe i see the others like they see me, from the outside we tell a different story, we become very good in living with our inner feelings, with the idea we are fine...

maybe must people give up to early, they lost focus, they stop believing....maybe they are right, maybe they are the ones who are right....

i am thinking a lot in this last month, christmas, new year, they have this effect on you...i am did, i am still doing a deep look inside of me...what i really want??? what i stand up for??? if i die tomorrow what would the picture of my life...i dont meant what i have, what is my bank account, what i achieve on my professinal side....no...what values i fight for, what i did with my life????

i am honest, here is the place i am totaly honest, i dont lie....i am not here to create a perfect picture of myself...i am me, a not perfect, driffter, i am a man who loves, who loves a person that cannot be his, who cares for some who absent from his life...why???? why???? i dont know....i dont have any agenda, i dont expect nothing, i am not waiting for a miracle...no, i am just being still honest to what i feel in my heart, i dont know what the future will bring...

last year i had some hope me and Anna could be together, now i dont have this hope, and i keep loving her, i will always will love her...is this blocking me for move on???


if i was on the outside, i would say...this guy is really stupid, its clear...move on...give up...find another person....i tell does exact same things to myself...over and over again....result???? not so great!!!

i am in fight.....i am fighting with me, i am fighting with what i feel, with the fact i still cannot let her go....maybe its the winter, maybe this is the last moment before i let Anna go....i feel i am getting a bit back....i dont know...life is not simple...

in the end, what is love? what is being true to your love??? there is no answer, there is no magic soluction, there is just how you feel, what others make you feel, what are you willing to do for them, maybe in today society we dont care for love, we care only for what we want, what is an instant gradification....in the "old" days people whould love just one one person, they whould wait, they whould move the world for this person...today we are discard like used boxes...no one fights, no one waits, no one stand ups....i am not like that....my nephew, who is 11 years old, ask me, uncle why are you are not married????  i told him, i am not married, because the person i care is not in my life,but i love her still ! i told him, people maybe not without but she is with me every day in my heart! no, i dont expect him to understood, sometimes even i dont understand, but i prefer to love, even if the person who you love is not with you, this is them most married people, how are together but have no love!! i also told him, i will explain when you are older....i also told him, and this he understood, when you like some one very much, you maybe cannot see this person but you still like her!!!!

does all of this makes any sense??? i dont know...but does life make any sense??

i dont know....i will not stop fighting...

2013.....

2013, a new year is coming, how it will be??? what will be my life???' in this time of the year lots of us ask this question, how it will be 2013??? what this year will bring?

i am not asking for anything material, i dont want a bigger car, a bigger house, a new fancy job, no, i dont want more money, i dont want more things, i dont want any of that, if i was going to ask for anything in 2013, i would like to have more peace of mind, inner peace, happiness, love, this is what i would like...is this going to happen?? who knows....

how was 2012??? i start this year with hope, with fear, with a wish, with plans, for my professional life and my personal life, one year after i see nothing happen like i wanted, or plan....life chance my wishes...this year developed in a very different way that i was hopping, i reach the end of this year, with a very mind, with a very different heart them what i started...there was hope, joy, pain, sadness, darkness, pain, suffering, but there was also a rise, a fight back, fight to stand up, to be still standing...

all this stories about the end of the world, i laugh and smile during this year, when i listen to so many stories and ends, so the world didnt end in 2012, and yet for me a part of my life, of me, my world did in fact end in 2012, for me there was end of the world, i lost the most important thing in my life, and yet i am still here..i am breathing, i am still waking up every morning, getting in shape, getting my life in order, getting my inner peace, walking my path, follow my journey, i learn a lot of things in this year, the biggest lesson from 2012, i can conquer the end of my world, i learn this while walking, while surviving every day of this year, yes, i can survive the disaster, and move on with my life...i am better???? worse??? who knows, i cannot answer that question...i need to have more time before i can truly answer that...there are moments i feel i am totaly at peace with me, that i can move on with my life, others not so good, time is passing, the journey is moving me to better places....

2012 bring me a lot of good things, i have a lot of new friends, i was touch by the joys of friendship, i have new friends, i meet new people, this is one of the biggest gifts in life, to touch and be touch in your life by other people, to help, to be helped, to see new things, to life new experiences, i teach my sport to others, i walk the camino de santiago, i saw the best and worse in people...and all this in 365 days....

how it will be the next 365??? what do i wish? what do i plan??? for the first time in many many years i have no plans, i have no new year resolutions, i have no ideas about 2013, i will go back to my work, i will go back to my friends, my colleagues, i will continue with this this year journey, i will try to improve as a person, to be better for others, to make the life of others better, i will try to find inner peace, joy, laughter, that i can smile, that i can find a moment of joy in every day, that life gives a change to be touch by love.....

is not this what we should aim for???? tomorrow when the new year come in to our lifes, i will be here, i will open it with my open heart, and in 365 days i will see here this road have taken me....life is a journey, a war, just because we lose some battles, doesnt means we are defeated!!!! we are warriors, we will rise, we keep the path!!!! we are walking to find love!!!!!!!

life is a mystery, full of new and unexpected twists, maybe, just maybe, a miracle will happen, who know??? i believe that my path is the right one, and i will keep on walking!!!

Merry christmas?

I am home, with my family for Christmas, every where i go, there is this christmas music, the shops are full, the people are trying to buy the latest gifts for their love ones, its a good season, a nice time of the year....is this true???? is this real???

i must say, no, not for me, i dont feel anything, i am not in a true christmas feeling, not in the way christmas exists today, i think christmas is not buying things, its not going to shops or shopping centers, its about love, its about show to the people who you love how much they mean to you!!!!

i am with my family, and for the first time in the last 10 years, i dont have a christmas wish, i dont have any dream or hope, no, i have no plan....its a very strange feeling....last year i had hope, i had a plan, now i have nothing..

i am fine, i already bought some little gifts for my family, i am here for them, tomorrow i will call all my close friends, i will wish all of them a merry christmas, but there is one number i will no call, a number i would like to call, but i will not call....this is the way life is....i need to learn to live this way!!!

christmas is about love, about family, about be close to the ones you love, in this days, i feel a bit more down, a bit more blue, its like you are missing a part of you, its like the best part of you is gone, in this days i always use to think, about what i will buy Anna, what i would say to her, i really like this time, now i feel that i am a bit lost, that i am a bit at drift....

so tomorrow, i will go to my favorite place in the world, its a beach, i will drive, take the ferry... i always liked to be in there, i always feel good in there, its the place i always go when i am lost, when everything looks bad, its also a place where i was so happy, a place that was magic, a place that i will connect me and Anna every time i go there, even now when i go there i feel close to her.....i will be there tomorrow, to swim, yes, its cold, yes, its rough, but its a not so bad, and i can enjoy it....

i am starting a new phase in my life, i trying to move with my life, to move forward, every day i walk one step more in this path, every day i move another step in the right direction, like me, there is lots of people who see this christmas times as a time where society is almost shouting at you.....are you single??? alone??? what is wrong with you???? the answer is simple...nothing...i am fine, i am good, i am just trying to bring peace in my life, i am just trying to be honest with my life...so friend, colleague of this times, go to your favorite place, go to a happy place, do something mad, do something that keeps you alive, that you enjoy doing, see it as your christmas gift to yourself, but please, dont confuse this with buying things....no, dont buy nothing, this is about a find inner peace, joy, help some one, do a good deed, dont do it for recognition, dont do it for any reward, do it to celebrate christmas, this is what christmas is about, to bring good to others...

how will be our lifes??? who knows???? i know tomorrow i will be in a magic place, and for me this is my christmas gift....will i be sad? happy?? will i wish anything??? i dont know, i will see tomorrow... i will try to find a reason for my christmas, life is a long path, i am walking my path, my road, where this path will lead me??? i see will as i walk...

so, have a merry christmas...and never quit, never give up!!! we will be happy!!!

Darkness

My birthday was a few days ago, its suppose to be a happy time, but this time instead of happiness, i just had this deep darkness in my heart, for some moments the feeling in my heart was pain, resentment, angry, disappointment....i feel really bad, why??

why??? the must basic reason...i was hoping that independent of everything that happen between me and Anna, that we were in good terms, that i could expect a sms, a mail, a happy birthday in my FB, but as the hours of the time pass, i keep checking my phone, my page...nothing....in the end i send a sms, saying what i felt...and i did get a sms...did this make a difference???? of course it did!!!!! i am honest, i dont lie in here...its not hope, its not a sign, its nothing, its just a way to show we respect each other!!!!

yes, we are apart, we are not together, maybe i am just stupid, maybe i am not clever, i expect that some which i  share my life, that we important for each other, there is a level of care that you expect, a card, a sms, a touch, that this person was an important part of our life, i will always send a card to Anna, on her birthday, on christmas, i will never forget, i will never stop...

there is no plan, no second idea, its just a sign of caring, of respect, of being part of my life, and this was what i expect...

another thing that make me feel strange, is how much i still get affected by this, i am not ready, i am not free, my mouth can say, i am better, i am ok, my brain, may try to think i am fine...but my heart says...its not yet ok...its not fully free....

i dont like this, i suffer, i trully suffer, and this is not good, christmas is coming, and i trying to be ready, i am trying to be prepared....

Some people will never leave our hearts, i can spend the rest of my life without see Anna a single time more, and she will be for ever in my heart, i can be married, be a father, but there is things that we cannot errase, we cannot forget, we cannot get free...

is this good??? bad??? i dont know, each of us will have an answer, a reason, a way to deal with this...i just say we have to be honest with what we feel, of who we are, and learn to life with this feeling, with this situation, we can pretend, we can fool the rest of the world, but we cannot fool yourself!!!!

i let darkness enter my heart, maybe is the birthday, the upcoming christmas, there are dates, moments that are harder to live them others...we can only resist, how i deal with this??? i try to say to myself, hey...its going to be ok, remember the trail, remember how much tired and desperate you were and you kept on walking, i remember that i am here, i am alive, that i have friends, i exercise, i am trully in great shape...i thinking i was never in such a great shape...its all part of what we do resist, to survive...

i am looking for 2013....and for the first in a long time, i dont know...i dont have a plan, a wish, a way to guide me, just another year, another 365 days....maybe life will suprise me...i fight every day for that chance...its not easy, its not easy at all, but all of us, who pass the same hell as me, we need to fight, we need not to quit, we need to be still standing, we need to open our hearts, and try to believe in the future!!!!!!