Afraid

Maybe afraid is not the right word, maybe its disapoiment, being let down, the last months i start a process of rebirth, of recovering myself, from losing Anna, from being a junkie of Anna, to be a happy person, i always consider that i had a special place in Anna heart, like she have one in mine. Anna will always be special for me, i touch her, i loved her, i dream with her, i cry for her, i cannot say she is the same as other people in my life, she is special, i was thinking i was also special for her.

this is not loving her now, or she still loving me, its a past, a bound, a connection, this is supose to last and resist the test of time, we are not together, but i dont have any reason to be bitter, to be angry, to have any negative feelings for her...now i start to feel from her part a sort of distance, of ditachment that i dont understand, the last time we speak, it was like she was doing me a favour...like, yyyeaa..yeeeaa....what you want??? she keeps telling, i will call you tomorrow, them nothing happens...what is she trying to prove? is she trying to create a situation that i will be annoyed and  cut all the contacts and she will be ok because the bad one was me?????

i am afriad that we are become more and more apart, and there is no reason, maybe its just a moment, maybe its just my impression, maybe its a direct effect of all the stress she is under, i am not pushing. i will always show my best side, she will never get a bad word or gesture from me, she is special for me!!! if situation turns for the worse, i will walk away, but i will never be bad for her!!!!!

life is moving in my way, i am getting fine, i am doing a training event today, talking for 65 people all day is not easy, but i am doing fine!!!! almost to mature force!!! i am returning to my funny mad me!!! i am not bitter, i am not writting this with any bitter feeeling in my heart, i am just telling things as they are....

i aam better, i am good,  i am trying to reach her a hand, why????? because she is special, because i will never want to see her sad, my biggest wish is that Anna is happy, that she find the peace that wants, that she can wake with a smile in her face...i am willing to be there to help reaching this, i am not trying to win her love, i am trying to make her a happy person, this is different, i am helping with no second intention...big liar...that is what you are saying...big fat liar...you want Anna back for you!!!!!

do i???? i dont know, does the Anna i love exist???? does the person i love so much still there??? this is the question that we soometimes get wrong, when you slipt from a person, time, life change us, the person looks the same, but she/he is not the same...and that is a reason why sometimes wanting people back fail so much!!!! i know what i want...i want to be at peace and be happy,  and i am!!!! i want love, this i dont have...Anna love??? another person love??? i open to love, and love is a process that you need to be treated well, to be a friend you still need to be treated well, confused??? you are not the only one : )

life is a very strange and magic journey, i am find this now, i am walking toward finding myself, now i hope i can find some one on the way!!!

in zen there is a say, to eat one meal you need to clean the plates from the last meal, my plates are clean now!!!