failing

I am falling, i am falling on my word, i am falling on what i said, and i am honest, i am being honest with me, were can i balance between what i feel and i promise???

I gave my word, i gave Anna the promise there was no hidden plan, there wasnt, but i keep having feelings for her, i keep think about her, i shouldnt, i sould forget her, i should not worry about her, i shouldnt care if she is happy or not...but i care, i saw myself on the drive home thinking about her, wishing to hear her voice, but i am not going to call, i am not going to do nothing...i will try to forget all i feel...

i am doing the right thing? i dont know, i dont really know, i wish one thing very different from what i am supose to be able to feel, i have lots of feelings in my heart, i dont know if i should walk away from her, she is my best friend, she is the most important person in my life, and i am not calling her because i dont want her to think i am pushing her, its a bloody stupid and hard situation, i cannot show her what i feel!!!! i have to hide all my feeling, keep them in control, maybe i with time i will be able to lose this feeling...

but i also ask myself, why should i kill love from my heart? its painfull? oh yes, its very painfull, it hard, but i love her, i should not even say this here, but i do, i know not one will know, but i am being honest with me, i will not do anything, its not easy, you love some one who doesnt want you, who you shouldnt love, and if she knows this she cut with me, can i live like this??? i dont know...

i am fine, i am not mad, i am eating, sleeping, laughting, i am being me, a good happy person, but i could be the best person in this world if she loved me, where hope, life, time, destinity have for me??? i dont know...this is not a easy post, its a complex time in here, i will move to her city, i will see her in the future, can i see her with another guy? how much will i suffer? some days i think i will be fine, that i am fine with the situation like it is now, some other days i feel i miss her so much....right now there is a lot on my mind, i write this post, and maybe it will be the first since i start that maybe tomorrow, or in a few days i will delete, i dont know...its not that i am in pain, its that i am no sure about life, about the which road to take, maybe god have a plan, a good one, it would be great if i would understand it a bit better...