stand up

This last week i was full of questions, i was not at peace, same times we know the reason why we are not at peace...we know we will fall, we know we will go down, but i also know, how, and why, but i will rise again, that i will once more stand up!!!

this is the biggest lesson for me from all this last year, i know i can stand up, i know i will be here, standing, looking life in the eyes, i will not let this get to me...i will not go down, this is a huge victory, its a victory of me over me, its the victory of hope and believe over despair and sorrow, its a victory of light over the darkness...

we fight all this battles every day, over love, over jobs, over family, over things have no importance..and we forget that the biggest battle we fight every day, the most important fight is the fight we us....the fight for what we do with our lifes!!!

Is not life that defects us...its us..you...me, that give up , its us that decide to stop fighting, stop believing in ourselfs...i did stop believe in me...I let my inner darkness get over me...but i am fighting back, and this is a fight with no end, we must fight every day, every day of our lifes, we must fight for what we believe, life is not a walk in the park, life is a mountain mad run, we need to be alert, to be sharp, and enjoy it even when you not sure if you will make it or not!!

this is also a lesson i get this last days, i was lowering my guard, i was not very happy, life is tough, but i am not the only one who was going in a days, i am sure that there are millions of people out there, that are fighting the same fight i do, that some are saying...i had enough, i will stop fighting...i gave up, and we do, we gave up on love, on life, on people, why???? why should we gave up??? because we dont see the end of our quest? because we think we will never win this fight?? because we have pain, because its difficult, because we suffer..this is what makes us, this is what makes us true, is the choice!!!! we can choose to quit, and gave up...or we can go and fight, and fight until the end, be honest with you...fight, i will never quit, i can be put by life down, endless times, but i will raise, i will maybe be bloody, i may be all broken, but i will never give up, special on love, i dont know how this will end, but i will never gave up, even when there would be no hope, i will never stop fighting!!! i made my choice, i choose to fight!!!!

we fight all this battle, we all think the problem is others, money, job, etc, yes, they are true issues, but the key is the inner fight we fight we us!! if life hurts us, if people hurt us, dont let this make you stop fighting, if we do, them the problems will take over us, will control our lifes, if you keep fighting, if you dont gave up, you have a chance, you have a possibility that you can win!! if you are push in the water...we all try to swim, we do it without thinking....we want to survive...so why we dont do the same when we face tough problem? why we stop fighting??? dont, never!!!!

so join me in this fight, fight with me, by my side, we all have our inner demons, lets face them in the battle field, lets give a good fight, dont give to them!!! i prefer to go down fighting, them gave up and be sorry for the rest of my life!!!

i learn this because of my love, love touch my heart, i lost my love...and i stop fighting, i let sorrow get in my heart, i let life attack me and i didnt fight back...I was to concentrated on what i didnt have, i was not fighting no any more, i am fighting, i am fighting my biggest emeny...my biggest challange, me, i am fighting me, i am fighting for happiness, for joy, for laughting, for peace..i will never stop this fight with me, because this is a fight we need to fight every day, but i do it for become a better person, some one i can be proud, some one who life without regrets, you can look and life in the eye and not blink, i will fight, every day, all the days, so i am worth of my love!!!!!!

karma

Karma, fate...Anna was telling she as bad karma, that she cannot find anything good in her life, that she made a mistake and she is paying the price...

i told her, she is not a bad person, you didnt deserve anything that happen, that you have not bad karma, you made a mistake, we all do, we need is to learn from them and carry on, we dont let this mistakes define who we are, and we are not responsible for what people do, if other persons close to you are doing same thing wrong, its not your fault, its not karma, its their own minds...its their own actions!!!! you are not guilty!!!!

i am afraid, that she is getting really bad adivce, i cannot reach to her, i am cannot show how much i could change her life, how? how could i?? its so simple, if she let me take her out, i would take to run, to do longs walks in the country, to try my sport, to do new things, outdoors...she use to love that, i would try to show there is a beautifl world out there...i would do this for her, to make her happy, she doesnt have to kiss me, to tell me nice things, to be my love, no, i would be her friend, i would bring the clouds out of her life, to show her, there is sun out there...

You dont have to fight the world alone, when some one walks by your side, he will help you fight, he would help in the bad times come...to laugh with you with when the good times are here....this is walking side by side...i am dont want to carry you, i dont want to fight all the battles for you, i dont want to do everything for you...when a child is learning to walk, you let the child fall...you let them stand up...you let them build the confidance...let them to learn to walk...you are there, to see the child is not hurting it self...not walk for her...this is what means side by side...i dont want to do things for you....this you have to your self...but you should see the difference bettween helping...and control....and try to walk for you....

if you stay home all day, if you dont go out, if you are afraid, you stop taking risk, life is not good, life is not beutiful, i try, i try to show her that the biggest change in her life, the first sign of positive things entering her life was me returning to the same city as her...but no...she is refusing to see that...she told me she dont get any lucky break...life is not good...

i am here...and yet is like i dont exist, its like i am just shadow of the past, she is not even realising she is so focus on bad things that she doesnt even see what i could bring...would we be back to the same old stories??? same fights??? of course not, but she will never find out, she will never see that,  she told me, she doesnt believe in second chances...i am saying...i am not a second chance, i am new chance, i am a new person, like she is a new person.

I dont know if i would meet this person know i would like her, i am so sad to say this, it breaks my heart, but its true, i was thinking a lot about this, i am loving a imagine, a person that doesnt exist??? that life took her away from me?

i am not the same person, i am not the same guy that i was in the time we where together...i am new me...but like i say many times, she will never will know that, not because i dont want to prove it to her, because she doesnt want to see it, she is afraid....she thinks if she bans me from her life she will be better...more happy? My dear sweet Anna, you are asking the man in this world that love more them everything, that would be there for you all the time, that respects, that thinks you are amazing, that you beautiful, that you super smart, that you are my only one, you think by asking me to leave your life you will be better, you no "ex"...i was always think i was more them a ex...i was  friend...i was you close dear friend....

you think that you will find a person who has no issues with life, no kids, super shape, fit, loves you, your child is happy and enjoys see me, loves you more them anything in this world?  maybe i am blowing my own trompet...

you think life doesnt give you break??? i complain  the same...read the posts...but i never stop believing, i never stop trying, i never gave up, i went by pain, by miseray, but it didnt stop me, i fought, i have the scars from this fight with life, but i am still here....i can smile and laugh, i can still think tomorrow will be better them today, i still believe the best is yet to come...

i dont stop, i didnt gave up, i open my heart to life, i try to push me out there, and i am, i am good, dear Anna, do the same, dont block people from your life because the past, see them, discover them...what are you so afraid??? that you will realise that we great together? that you will start to develop feelings for me, and i going to bad for you????? i would never be bad for you...i love you!

the worse case you would laugh, would see some great movies, whould go out, have fun...and you would had a great friend...what i feel is my issue, i would never put pressure on you....i can see your face and say...you put a lot of pressure....maybe...if call 3 times per week is to much, but that is because we use to speak every day, even after we break up.....but maybe you are right, maybe i need to give you distance...

you say life doesnt give you any chance....you are throwing away the biggest change life is every going to give you....you are pushing me out of your life....you are pushing pure love out....it seens my love for you is not enough....

Ex...

Yesterday I had a coffee with Anna, i found out that i am not a friend, i am not some one she wants to go out with, i am not a person she wants to have dinner, i can get a coffee, maximum i can have lunch, i am a ex....she even told me...that she had several valentines messages...why should i care?....i am ex....was to hurt me? to test me? i am basically no body for her, I cannot take to a cinema, I cannot take her to dinner, I cannot see her child…

For me, is different, i dont label persons, i go out with people i enjoy the company, who i can laugh with, with whom i can have a good time, if its a old girlfriend, a colleague from work, some one i meet in a meeting, doesnt make a difference...its how i relate to this person, if i can have a good time or not...and me and Anna, the talk is easy, its fluent, there is no secrets...and yet....coffee..cinema no....i dont understand...either you want to see same one or not...so what is the difference betweene having lunch with me and not having dinner...its the time?? i dont understand...

How this words made me feel??? There is no words… because I always consider that we were friends, that what we life together meant something, that she would be happy to have some one by her side that would always would help her, who didn’t want anything in return besides knowing she is happy…no…I am an ex….i miss a meeting yesterday,…I had meeting..i didn’t even remember that I had a meeting….i was thinking…how can this person, this beautiful soul could be so cold…you are an ex….i am not an ex from yesterday…I am ex for more them a year and we never stop having lunches, dinners, going to places…no…not any more…

she told me she doesnt give a second change...she doesn’t believe in second chances…she doesnt believe people can change....and she complies that she cannot get any good things in live, that life is not good, that she is being punished by making a mistake in past…
she doesn’t even realize, she doesn’t even want to see that I could change all her life, I could bring joy, light, happiness, magic, in her life, no…I am ex…

should I never speak to her again??? Should never see her again??? I don’t want to lose her…but I have the feeling I already did….that she is so lost that she cannot even see the door to her problems, she is so convinced that she need to everything alone, that she needs no one, that she confuses, being what is pure love and friendship with interest and second motives….what do you do when the person who means everything to you say to you....you are nothing...you have no value for me...i look at her....i am fine...i am able to resist....i can survive...i am much better....i dont enjoy listen to this....i dont understand how some one who told in July we will be friends for ever...now says to me...you are nothing...you are an ex....and she puts in the same level of people who were mean to her...i am ex…a discarded card…

i almost lost my control...and say to her..i love you....i will always love you...you are not happy because you let fear control you...you are so afraid to be happy....you are much looking at the dark....that you forgot how the sun looks like...but i didnt nothing...why....because if i done that, i would never would see her...how can i lose her??? how can i never see the must important person in my life??? Or should I have told her that, I know what would have been the result…every day I am more close to that moment, the moment were I am honest, I am true, and I will lose her for ever…

i will have a lot to think....i have to think if i open to her my heart...and move for ever from her life...its the must hard decision i have to take...but how can i hope..if the person i love doesnt want me...doesnt want to see me??? doesnt want to even go out to cinema with me???

i am ok....i am not going to do something stupid, i am not going to go crazy....i will sleep...i will be going to the gym in the morning...i will eat....i will try to enjoy the weekend....but life today lost most if its magic...lost most of its charm....

Anna, you dont believe people can change??? if you had gone out with me...you would have seen how much i change...but you will never know...you dont believe in second changes...i dont want a second change...i just want to start knowing you again...see like we are now together...we are not the same persons as before...we are now perfect for each other...you dont think you can have a good break in life??? i am here...i could open you to a magic life...to a wonderful life....but you prefer to stay in a dark room and dont come out and enjoy the sun, and prefer to say....my days are always dark...i dont get any sun...you dont let me show you the sun...you are afraid...you dont want to give me a chance....

This are very confusing times…if I was giving advice to a friend I would tell him, open your heart and leave…leave her forever…but how can I leave the most important thing in my life….
i dont know...i feel I have to life without any hope…I cannot even write in a proper way…tough times…

Very special day

this week there is a special day for me...its happens this week....is a special day for me, its a day i will keep for ever in my mind, its the day i gave my heart for ever, its day i start the best, most beautifull adventure, the journey that forever will mark my heart, the day i start my passion and love with Anna!!!

In 2003, since i saw her,  I loved her, i am bad reading signs, i never understood how some one as beautifull, amazing as Anna could be interestd in me, she ask me many times why i didnt chase her back in 2003...she still thinks in that year of 2003 i was not interested in her....she cannot even dream how much i was interested in her, how much i loved her...but i was a coward, i was weak, i was afraid, i did consider love was not enough, i was going to move, i lived like in that time like it was in a place for x years...and them i would move..no ties...no more suffering...i had made a decsion of  moving.....i dont want to attached me to nothing...i life like i was in a "prison" i did x year them i would go...i had a empty house, i didnt had a car, i didnt make any attachments to the place i work, i didnt do my sports, didnt make any effort to make friends, life like i would go and come..and leave nothing behind, and then there was Anna...she was there...i was in love...we once had a drink in a tiny place not far from where we worked...we talk about many things...i still can hear her say a story about her old cat, that she left with "family"...she said it was like putting a kid for adoptions, it was before we left...remember all the talks with had, what she was wearing...i want to kiss her...i want to tell her how much i love her...but i did nothing...why??? i didnt i say nothing??? why was such a coward??? i didnt want to suffer, i didnt want to let hope get in my heart, so  i was coward...i say...have a good weekend...and went home....and run for 4 hours...i limp home with severe cramps...maybe she will remember saw me limping in the place we work...i would go running...desperate...i shave my head...i am not a kid, i work in a office...try to kill this void in me...i start chasing other girls...it was not love...it was to not think...i am ashame of me today...i should have go and say everything...i shouldnt have been afraid...and this is advice i give to any one who comes across this blog...dont be afraid, that risks, be truth to yourself...dont make the same mistakes i did!!! open your heart!!

i think she never trully understood how much she meant for me, she was afraid when we where together   that i would be chansing this other girls...i only chase girls to try to close this hole in me...when i am with Anna, i dont need no one else, i dont see anyone else...i only have eyes for her....i never cheat...must of my friends...that after i start my love with Anna, they think i was turning gay!!! i refuse many girls...i dont cheat, i dont believe, no one will know....i will know, this is the most important for me, i know that i cheat the women i love, and i will never do that!!!

the lesson is simple, even if you think that you have no chance, dont wait, do hesitate, NEVER BE AFRAID TO LOVE!!!! fight for your love, it may be a desperate fight, maybe you will suffer...you may have to change your life, your routines, what you are use to do...leave your confort zone, leave the fear...take the chance...there is nothing better...more rewarding...more important them have the person you love next to you!!!

Even when i was with Anna i was still to attached to my routines...to my timetable...what a moron i was...what a stupid person...losing Anna show me that i was not the great person i think i was...no...i was a person who look to much for him, to my own interests...that i to self centered...now i move to be a better person...Anna even when she is not with me...even after she left me...she is still making me a better person..she is still bringing the best in me...i dont know when i see her beautiful face...hear her voice...i am waiting that she remembers i am here...that i am her friend...valentines day come and went, but valentines day is just a stupid comercial thing,

this day is very different, this is a special day a very special day, is a day i will never forget...i can see...i can feel like it was today...i can remember everything...there is no words to express what i felt, i cannot put in words the joy, the change in my heart, the next days were the must beautiful days of my life....the weather was awfull, it rain like it was biblical, it was cold and windy...but for me...it was the best days of my life...it perfect blue sky, that there was stars, that there was no wind, that everything is perfect, it all happen a few years....but i feel like it was 5 minutes ago...

If you are reading this...look at your life...you maybe thing you have a tough life...that your work is bad...that your partner is not making an effort...that money is not a lot...that you didnt went to right place in holidays...you dont have that big house you dream...the car...that your kids give you to much trouble...that your girlfriend wants to go out to much...that your boyfriend watch to much tv...etc...that is nothing...you have it all...do you have some one you loves you??? a family to return home??? do realise what you have??? do realise you have a tresaure in your hands??? you have the key to be happy, dont concentrate in the things that are material, those things dont mean nothing, see the love, see your partner, make them happy, dont take them for granted...dont waste your time in discussions...dont lose your time being stupid...love your partner, your kids...if you give love...open and true love, you can move the earth...you can make miracles!!!!

I am asking myself, today...did i dream all of this??? was all real??? i think so...i hope so....keep looking at my life..and i look at all the decisions i made...i dont regret almost nothing..even some pretty stupid decision i took...some of my close friends know what i talking about...i did what i think was right...and i dont regret them....even if now i know they where wrong...but with Anna, i dont regret giving her all my love, NEVER!!! what i regret is being coward, listen to the society ideias, to be proud, to think, i am man, man dont do this..dont do that...this is what regret some much...i regret not take my chance in 2003...i regret not follow her in the time she move...i regret not having a child with her...i regret never told her about my travel in to her country looking for churches...this is something i will write later...one day..its one of the must hard things for me....yes...i did check churches....my plan was to drive her therelike a secret travel and propose....on that day....how much life change..you plan the rest of your life with a person...it was our special day....i never told her...this is way today is so hard for me.......even now...even now that i am fine with me...that i am happy with life...i cannot think about this and not get tears....so so bloody hard day this week!!!!!

we only have one chance in life for many things, dont lose it because you lose track of the most important thing in life, which is, to trully love someone!!!!

valentines day...no for me...

Valentines day, how much i hate this day, its there to show me how much i am alone, how much i miss my friend, my muse, my light, its like a day where you have the feeling, that you failed in life, that you are no good, that you must be defected, hey, you have no girlfriend!!! bloody day!!!

i get sick about this hearts i see every where, i get mad when people ask you, so where are you going to pass valentines day, i answer, at home!!!! drink a bottle of red wine...alone!!!!!

And February is even more tough for me, not a few days after valentines day, its the day i celebrate for many years, the start of my love with Anna, our first kiss, the first time i hold her hand as her boyfriend..this is not easy times for me...there is so many memories...so many dreams..so much hope...and now....what i have??? memories...hope is almost gone..i have almost no hope...how can you life without hope??? that is the worse, in my darkest moment, i always had hope, i hope if chance, if i move to close to Anna, if i show her that we could be friends, i would keep the change of see her, of talking to her, of see her child, i didnt hope more them that, for me that would be great!! i didnt hope for a her to drop in my arms, but i now this hope that we would be good friends...like we were for the last two years is almost gone...i dont understand...

how can you enjoy your days when the person you means everything to you, starts treating you bad? just i play the same game? no, i will never do that, in a case like this, i will simply stop see her...i would do this if i have to, but i will do it with a heavy heart, its like i get blind, my eyes will not be able to see the person they want more them everything in the world...

Valentines day...its like a punch in my face, in my stomach, its like life is looking at me...and say....you fail...you dont deserve Anna love....for the first time i see this day without any hope...without any good feeling...before..even when i was alone, i was fine...i knew...there is same one out there for me, i simply need to go and look..now...i found her...i found my ONE, and she is not with me...

if i could go back to 2003...that year where i fail...where i decide not to face what i feel...i move away...where i pretend nothing was happening,....that i didnt love her...that i was fine...and start chasing girls for all the wrong reasons...sex..to hide my feeling, to try to fill this void in my chest..if i could be back in 2003...i would have go to Anna house...and would screen...ANNA..MARRY ME!!!

but i cannot...that is not possible...in 2012, i would be happy...very happy just to have a coffee with her...life is a strange journey...

i was out...i keep going out....i keep going out with friends...but in look at girls...and i dont feel nothing...nothing...i keep thinking about Anna....

If you in a relationship, you have 4 days to make a declaration of your love...write a card, make a gift, the price is not important, give something from your heart...give a sign of your love...thinking about people like me...who have nothing...you have everything...dont lose it...dont thing life is better on the other side...its not...dont lose that person because you think your work, hobby, friends, sport, what ever....nothing is more important that your love...them the person you love...please...please..dont do like me...love....love for ever!!!!!

i learn my lesson...i will love forever!!!

language

Language??? what is this??? this was a reason for problems for me and Anna, we are from different countries, we both speak a similar language, but her child didnt, she spoke with her mother in their mother tonguer..and since she was small i talk to her in my my mother tongue, looks like a perfect picture, like the films, its not!!

as soon the child start to talk it become a barrier for us, all of us, if i was talking to Anna, she wouldnt understand and start asking what were we talking or doing naughty things to attract attention, when she was talking to Anna, i would miss what she said,.

I didnt learn her mother tongue, i didnt consider as necessary, big big mistake!!!! maybe this blog can safe one relationship out there, maybe this blog can help some guy or girl avoid losing the person they love!!! dont do stupid mistakes like me, if you dont speak the child language, dont wait for her to learn yours, go and learn, because if you dont, its more them just the barrier that it creates in the family dynamics, it robes you of the funny little things the child will say, it make you lose the little mistakes that kids say when they are learning to talk, it steals you have the joy of see a kid growing up, it makes you distant from some who should be a very important person for you!!!

learn the language its more them a show of love and respect, its a sign to the mother and the child, i am here, you can count with me, it helps bring the barriers between you and a child that looks at you and ask? who are you????? dont be stupid, go and learn, it will not be easy, but its very much rewarding!!!!

i am doing it now, i am taking lessons...now??? why??? because i want one day to say to the child of Anna, in her language how much i care for her, and that she have a family, a "blood" family, a mother, a father but she also have some one who will be there for her, for ever, she have another family, my family, that she will always be like "daughter" to me, and if she need anything, day or night, she can count with me!!!!

language is the way you can express what you feel, its a bridge between persons, so never think that language is not important, its a very important thing, i found that the last time we where all together...i was talking with Anna child, and i was discovering this amazing little person, and she was discovering me also, we where playing together, its like open a new world!!!!

So please, dont even think twice, any thing that can be a cause for separation between you and the person you love, should never exist, go and learn, dont wait like me!!

learn and discover how amazing a child can be!!!

Big question!

Today i meet Anna, things where good and not good, after i meet her, i have a big question in my mind, in fact its keeping coming to me, more and more, when should you quit? when should you stop?

this is neither an easy question, not at all, i hate this question, i hate this feeling, i have fear of this questions, but i most face it...when its time to say, i am walking out, i give up???

Life as always 3 parts, the professional life, the love life and our individual life...we all have 3 sides....the side that works, the side that loves and the side that tries to enjoy life...

i write this blog like i feel, so when i am happy i have a happy post, when i am sad its a sad post...i have many questions, i dont get any answers, i dont understand, i truly dont understand and this is the worse...

but i am a good job, its not easy, its tough, i still dont understand must of it, i try to do the best i can, but its a big battle, but my professional life is going well, i am well paid, i am good status job, i can say my professional life is doing quiet well, it improve a lot since i move to this new job!!! so in here i am happy!!

my life, my personal life..hey..i have a good apartment, i am eating well, i am in great shape, i look fine, i have friends, i have a great family, i am preparing to do lots of things in my sports, i am getting a lot of can say if i was not in this love dilemma i would be smiling like a kid!!! i do smile...i do laugh..i do feel fine!!!

but i miss love, i miss having some special in my life...i meet Anna, but she resists in meeting me, she avoids see me, in fact she prefer to stay alone in her house to see me!! maybe she has a boyfriend, and doesnt want to tell me...today i know she went out, i almost went to see her..to see who she was with...but i didnt..i am not like that...she told today..that if i was her friend things whould be easy, but i am her ex partner..i dont understand...when we broke up, she was super nice to me, if i come to her place, she would meet, we would have dinner...she would drive me to the airport...we were friends...close friends..person to whom you can say everything....

when i move here, i didnt expect that she would jump in my arms, i expect that we once time per week, go to the cinema...have dinner, share a laugh, enjoy a moment, but no, i dont understand, i was never bad to her, when we are together we are laughing...we are smiling, we share everything, i dont understand...

after she left me that saturday in the coffee place...in not a nice way, i ask myself, should i move of her life at all?? should i disappear??  is this what i want? no, i dont want that, i dont understand why we cannot be friends...we didnt split recently, i am here for her all the time, i help, i try to be a positive source..but is this the best i can do? to give on her, and move?? i can stop see her, i can stop talk to her, i can never say her name, i can remove her phone number, i can errase all her things....but i cannot stop what i feel, i cannot stop the say..Anna i dont care about you!!! i dont give a damn about you, this i cannot because its not real...its not true...i can walk away, but Anna will always will be in my heart, i can marry, i can have kids, i can get other women...i can even be happy with them, but my last breath, the last thing in my mind the day i die, will be for Anna, i maybe walk away, but i will love her always!


today i spoke to her about my blog, she ask me why i do it, i do it to express my inner feelings, and also, one day to show her, Anna will only will read this blog in two circumstances, like a engagement gift, or the day i disapear from her life, one will be a source of joy, the other would be a way for her to see how much i care about her....

I am man, i cannot understand women, if i was on her side, and i was alone, i would give a chance to some one who was special to me, and i be honest to say, if the things that move us apart where there, i would stop, but maybe this person changed...grow up...maybe this is now a different person, a person that life made better...this is me...life made me better, life made me understand things, i dont say to say, its true, i am better...i am not the same person as before!!! i am difference person!!!!! a person that is ready to bring joy!

I can accpet that she doesnt love me, i cannot understand why we cannot be friends...


Maybe i am rushing things...maybe i should let time pass by, maybe i should not try to meet her, maybe i am making a storm in a glass of water, i just say what i feel, i feel strange...

life in the two fronts are fine, i am ok, even in day like today where i raise all this issues..i will sleep, i will smile..i will exercise, i will be looking at the future!!!!

but the question is here...should i walk way??? i dont have an answer...and i dont like this question....

Happy!!!

Happy! Is not what we want to be? And how many of us can say, I am happy!!! Why are we not happy?? We don’t have enough money? We are not famous? We have not what we want? Don’t have the right car? The right job? Don’t have the perfect women? Don’t have the love you want??? The list can go on…

But  how any of us ask, what do I have now? do we appreciate the beauty of an empty beach? do we listen to the waves crashing in the sand? Do we enjoy the cold breeze in our face? Do we just enjoy a nice hot tea after a walk in the rain? These are little things, but this are little wonders that each day can give you!! We need to learn to stop thinking…I don’t have…to I am here…this is beautiful, and enjoy it, be happy, be free, be one with yourself, this may sound this self-help book stories that we see more and more in the libraries, but no, this is me, this how I start to see life…

Last Friday I had a talk with Anna, she said she couldn’t see me this weekend, I was a bit annoyed, but on the way home, I start to think, I will see her next week, I talk with her today, my life is going well, why should I be annoyed?? I have a weekend in front of me, instead of being blue, no, let me fill the weekend doing things I enjoy, let me be happy, I need to be happy with me, I need to enjoy myself, and you know one thing? I did!!
It was a great weekend, I smile, I enjoy, dance to radio, I am the worse dancer in the planet, if you think you dance bad, hey, doesn’t matter how bad you are, you are better them me,

I went to the gym, to cinema, to dinner outside, to church, took my car drove 145 kms to the most amazing beach….stay there, looking the see, listen to waves, alone, its cold now in Europe, it was about 0c, I there I was, and I was smiling, I had this great feeling in my heart, I will be back!!! This is about being happy, its do things enjoy, appreciate what you have, be a pleasant person, be happy person, and be a positive force, for you, for others!!

I am good, its first time in a long time I feel really good, and I am alone, its just me, I didn’t get like this because the magic of Anna, it was just me, and I happy for being happy!!! Strange concept, being happy for being happy!!! But its true, it took me a long to understand, it takes time, but we need to learn to be happy, to be best person you can be, always!!

This doesn’t mean you stop loving some one, that you think that you are better alone, no, this simply say, I can be happy with me, I can enjoy all the little wonders life will show me every day, that I can smile, that I can laugh, that I be run in the beach like I was 6 years, just for fun, just because it was in my mind, like when I was 6, there was no one there, no one to watch, no one to impress, I did this for me, not for others, its just for me one enjoyment, just for fun, and I can tell…your face turns red, your heart starts to race, and you just smile, when I reach my car there was this old couple, I was smiling…they look at me and smile…I like to think it was my good spirit that made them smile…if you are happy, you make others happy!!!!

A good weekend for me, first month is here, is pass, and I am turning my life around, every day, a bit better!!!
I am now ready to be a happy force in some one life, to make some one start a path of happiness and joy, a life where laughter, love, joy, adventure, passion, respect and sharing will be there!!!
I will see Anna this week, I had a great weekend, I am happy, life is GOOD!!!!!!

why a second chance!!!

why you should give a second chance to some one??? why should you consider a new give a new chance?? i don't just speak about my case, i use the words of a  famous doctor, he wrote a book about the fact that couples that decide to give themselves a second chance are more happy after coming back together!! why???

He said that if the thing that lead to the separation is solved, you become more close, you become better as a couple...i don't say this to try to make a case for me...no...i keep asking myself...why should i deserve a second chance, a true second chance...why??? why?? i am so different them all the people out there???

if you have a bad relationship with some one, that cheats, that doesnt treat you well, that keeps on promising and never do, and you break with hate...them maybe its hard to consider a second chance...

I am a new person know, i grow, i evolve, i learn, the person who Anna loved is here, the person which raise all the troubles is gone...he disappear, he was conquered by the life experience i endure, i learn what is to live with Anna love and without Anna love, and i think if i was close to death, the experience would not been so intense...so now i am new person...i am sure, if Anna meet me now for the first time, she would be going home smiling and thinking when i will see him next??? i know Anna, i learn about the values of life, i learn about the beauty of love, i learn the dark negative side of life, i tasty the bitter side of life, and i didnt let it get to me..it make me suffer..it made me going through pain, pain that i would not recommend even to the person i hate more in this world...and i survive...it made me question life...but it didnt make me bitter, it didnt make me afraid, it didnt turn me in a negative, in fact it made me realize that we can be happy, that we deserve to be happy...that we can make some one very happy, i now am the most perfect person for Anna, and yet..every day i feel more and more far away from this....


so if you are like me...or like Anna, why dont you give your former love a chance?...give him a chance....see did he is like he says he is...is she like you love??? what have you to lose? are you afraid that the past didnt chance? this is very easy to see...but you can have the best experience of your life...you can start the must beautifull journey of your life, are we a great couple or just being bad????  the best is take a weekend...go the two of you...go same where..a place new, not a place with memories, good or bad, a blank sheet of paper...stay in different hotels rooms...just see how it feels...see how happy you are...see in the end of the weekend...if you look back and smile...and if you had a good time!! if you do try...maybe that person is the key for your happiness!!!! if you have a bad time...you can close your eye in the end of your life without think...why i let the best thing of my life move away?????


If you lose someone..and realize what you lost, you learn treat this love..this person with so much care, with more dedication, with much more care, because you know the true value of it, you can measure what you lost, you stop taking things for granted, you stop thinking that you are having this love because you deserve it...you learn how fragile love is, you learn how important this person is for you, and you will dedicating the rest of your life making sure that you have a happy life with this person for ever!!!!

If i had a second chance, Anna would be so suprised...she would be amazed how much i improve..i said dont just take my word, i maybe be bias, take the word of my mother, of my father, of my brother, of my friends, that all say, how much i have chance in this last two years..and  all because of her love...she made me a better person...she can be proud of me...i would be a man that Anna can be proud, who will be there, you will be strong to support all the problems, that will never leave her...that will not play games...would love her, every day, that will be there as partner, a lover, a friend, that would be there for ever!!! we are from different countries...but my country...my home...my place in this world, is not the land that saw me born...its not the letter on my passport....is not th country i serve, my country..my land...my home..is Anna...the place i was born without Anna is just a piece of land...its beautifull, its great..but its not magic...its not wonderfull, for this i would need love, if you have love, any place is perfect...i life and work across the world...europe...asia...america...my place in the world is the place i have love...the place where Anna would be...i would be happy there!!!

 people say...when you get old you get home sick...you want to return to your place of birth...i died when Anna left me...if i we go back i will be reborn...my country is Anna, so i would never leave...can i promise all this??? can i truly promise all this??? i am not a kid of 18...i am man...i am true man!!! i have one word..i saw the two sides of life...and if you have doubts read this blog...from the start...no just one post...read it all...read..and see my journey...learn...and please learn from me...dont do the same mistakes as me...give yourself a chance of being happy!!! fight for your love...do it all, fight, fight to end, so you can live with no regrets...this is what i do...i live...so i dont regret nothing!!!!

I am walking this life alone now...i am trying to find happiness...maybe it be here soon...i hope so!!! i am going by a lot...but i am at peace with me...i can look myself in the mirror and say...i am living my way, i regret nothing, i live the the right way, the honest way, correct way, the true way!!! no games, no cheating...no lies...i am at peace with me!!!

Just a day

Its getting close to month i move here, to this place, a new job, a new apartment, new gym,  and getting close to Anna, a new life!!!!

Things are happening yes, not like I dream, but I have to be realistic, my job is super tough, and I not yet to the level where I can expect to take every day in easy way, its been not easy, its like trying to swim in monster waves, you don’t even worry about the technique you simply try not to drown, but I don’t mind, I am here!!! I see Anna, its true not as much as want, but I need to give her space, time…I gave her my word, I would not have no plans, I don’t, I don’t try anything, I try to be the perfect friend, in my “book” I would pick up friend from the airport, I did that a lot to guys who are my friends or girls, I provide them with a support system, if they need something they knew that they can call me….come to house…I am good friend, its who I am, I will always be there for the ones I care…

And for Anna I would ever and ever be there, I don’t try to seduce, what I feel is what I feel, and I if feel that I am being bad to her, I will disappear from her life, her happiness means everything to me, that is the ultimate prove of love, go away so your love can be happy!!! I would do that!!! Anna is everything to me, I cannot fail as friend and as a person you love her!

Is there a contradiction in here? Friend? Love? Yes,no??? I don’t know…I don’t truly know…I know what I feel…I know that see her makes me smile…feel happy…but also I can survive without her, I can resist the pain, I can life my life…I can smile…I saw my self on Friday making jokes, like I didn’t do for a long time in the office, I am happy person again!!!! I would be much more happy with Anna : )

The first smile I put in here…I must mean something!!!!!!

I running in fine line, Anna once told me she will never see again because we couldn’t be friends, because I have feelings for her…that moment is stuck in my mind for ever, I will do everything not to lose her, she is the only person in this planet that knows everything about me, she as been the more positive influence in me ever, if I am better person today its because of her, she put me in the right path, she help me grown, she help me in turning a smart ass guy, who act very differently from the age on his ID card, he turn a guy who always put himself in the first place, to a person who is patient, caring, generous, grown up, she open in me all the best in me, how can I lose this person??? I cannot!!!! I simple cannot!!!!

Anna is away in business trip, and I went to the gym, as I was going to workout I saw her child…I look…I smile…I remember this little baby…so grown up,…happy..I wonder who is she in here, her grandmother? She was with a man, I think its her father, he hated me, he use my love child to make our life bad, he run a campaign against me, I didn’t like him, now…I understand…I almost went and say,I do understand, I can feel what you felt….

But there is a huge difference, he was blessed with a child, my love child, and he have now found a partner and have another child….he is so much better them me…he didn’t understand then, maybe he does know, we say hi, and there was no hate in his eyes, just a smile…knows..he has everything, he has love, two kids, I have the memories…
I have hope, hope in the future, every day that pass by I start to see the reality going, I maybe will never have this weekend morning moments where she would sleep with her head in my chest, I will never caresses her hair while we watch tv, I will never hold her hand again…and I will never will lose hope…but what should I do? Give up?? i dont know...maybe i should focus in me...and my life...
there is a song from human league, where the lyrics say...there are wounds you dont want to close...I will never be free from the Anna love, this is not a stalker talks...or a depressive approach...not, its a fact...some people stay in your heart forever, Anna is my true love, we only have one true love...in the moment I will die, my last thought will be for her, I will die with her smile in my mind..

People say that they would sell their souls for money, for love, for fame...I cannot sell my soul, my soul is not mine any more, I gave it to Anna!!! She has my soul, my heart, my love!!! she have my soul in the day of my birthday, many years ago....she gave a super nice gift, something i keep wearing and i will always wear...i gave her my gold neckless...it was a gift from my grandmother...she bought it the day i was born...i was given it when i turn 18, i promise my self...i would give this to the women would be the mother of my kids...i was in my neck through all the relantionships...never come out...and i gave to Anna, my idea was to give to her..she would give it to our child the day he/she would turn 18, a pass of love in our families...she have it today...i dont know if she use it...or its in a box...i never told her this...in that moment i was thinking it was not manly to say this...what stupid men!!!

How Anna and I will finish I don’t know, how I feel for her I know, she will be my ONE for ever! but life goes on...and i am looking at life in the eyes...and i am not blinking..i am moving forward, better, stronger...more human!!!

being happy?

Being happy? Are you happy? What makes us happy??? Money? Power? Fame? Sex? Love? Friends? Success? For every one there is that special thing that makes in happy, I don’t say happy in the large sense, but that special feeling that magic in your heart, the feeling that you sing on way, the feeling that makes you smile while you pedal in your bike after work all wet and cold, that feeling…that magic feeling….you are happy, you feel the world is beautiful, you are the must luck person in the world…

What makes me feel like that? Be with Anna, having a laugh with her, see her, see her smile, and I feel that I will never will have the magic back in my life, and its not easy to accept, today i was in supermarket line to pay in front of me was this amazing beautiful and sexy girl, and she ask me if i could keep her place in the queue while she gets some milk, she return and we talk about how slow the cashiers were...7 years ago, i would feel this was my lucky day, i would ask her number, would try to ask her out, now? no, i was nice, i smile, but i feel nothing, my hear has place only for one, and that place is taken, maybe it will never will be free again...what you feel is what you feel, even if the other person doesnt feel back to you!!! maybe i should have take advantage...but you react in the way you feel, there is a time and place for everything...and i am happy with the way life!!
we are now living in the same city, I was hoping we could see each other, special during the weekend…to have a coffee…just to talk, to see a film, I don’t expect any romantic thing, just the way to friends meet, but this is the second weekend were she avoids me, I don’t say anything, I know for her, I am not an top priority, but I was hoping she think of me as true close friend…I would never do that to any of any girlfriend so my past, I would have make sure that I give them all the support of arriving in a new place, but can ask more? I am being unfair?

Have to much love in my heart, I am letting my secret feelings for her cloud my mind?? I cannot say to her how beautiful she look in her birthday in that blue dress, how amazing her hair looks, how much enjoy see her eyes...and yet I cannot say this, because I am afraid she will never see me again, and I don’t like this feeling of being afraid to say what I feel…i feel a bit lost…I wish so much that things would be back like they were, because I know I can make her happy, I know that she would be safe with me, I could give her everything she dreamed, everything, and yet she doesn’t give me this change, I have the feeling she is afraid of being happy!!!!

When every one is hurt around you, when all you see is pain and suffering you become afraid to love, you become afraid to take risks, you build a wall around you, and you lose any chane of being happy, I am not my father, I am not my friends, I am not Anna father, I am not Anna friends, I am not Anna former lovers, I am me…just that, a guy, a person, some who learn, you grow, you is ready, who can make her the must happy person in the world, or any other person I would love, because I know the importance of love, I don’t want to have lots of loves in my live, I am not in a competition with life to see how I can collect in terms of money, power, money, I am just a person, a man who wants to make the women he loves happy, feelded special, feel secure, feel that she can go to sleep knowing that there will be some one at her side for ever, for every thing, some one who will love her to the day he dies…

I cannot answer for others, I cannot know what others do, I can only answer for me, I can only speak for myself, I can see the darkness around me, but I don’t let this take control of me, I don’t let pain and suffer let me try to risk love, i don’t let the past control my future…I speak, I feel for me….and I know…dont be afraid...life is about taking risks,dont let fear control you, don’t be afraid of pain, don’t be afraid of taking chances…LIFE..LOVE!!!!! Never stop believing. You can be happy!!! be trully happy!!

being a father?

The fact i am now sharing a city with Anna, makes me look at lots of things that pass by, and also as the time pass by, i start to wonder if one day I will be a father? I don’t want to be the father for the sake of having kid, its maybe not fair to say this, but I have the feeling that some people have kids in the same why that get a dog, because is in fashion, its what society expect from them…

I see a child as a celebration of love between two persons, not to fill my ego, not to have a “second me” do and achieve what I couldn’t, i would like a child to show to the world my love with another person, to say, I love this person so much we had a child together.

I wonder, will I ever kiss the belly of the women I love, will I ever tell stories to my child while she is still in the belly of my love???

I have so much love to give, I grow up so much this last year, yes, with pain, with lost, but I grow, I am much better person now, i want to kiss, to gentle touch the belly of my love, I want to take photos, I want to make a journal of the first kick, the first time he or she moves, I want to be the best person in this planet for the mother, for my love, I dream with us in a big sofa she lying down, with her head in my lap while I tell her and the baby stories about how much I love her his mother!!!! I want to be there at the time , not film, not to show the world, no to hold the hand of my love, to tell how much I love her, to be there when the child comes, to be present every time they need me, to put them as my priority, not to be tired to be there for them, I say this, I would never ever will leave my love and her child, I will make my life being there for them every day, until I die!!! And this is not empty words, this is promise, a commitment, for ever!!!

This is not an easy post to write, its very personal, it’s about something I think it’s a high point of every person to see a child of love, to see how much you can love some one that you are willing to bring a person to this world, to be there for this child forever…

I am here totally honest, I always think I would prefer a boy as a child, now I don’t feel this is important, this is a huge change, I just would like to have a child, a baby, a love, maybe this feels as shellfish, I don’t know, I just express what I feel…

And I know maybe I could have all of this with Anna, which drives me mad, but I was not ready, I was full of stupid preconceived ideas, about how to raise our child, I would think discipline, tough, rules, I have posts about this, I was so wrong, I was so stupid, I know now that they were wrong, they were so wrong…

You maybe say, you are saying this here to “look good” if you knew as a person you would know I have only one word, if I know talk is easy, but I do what I say, I never promise what I cannot do, its who I am, I a different person now…

I am ready to give a child love, to give her hugs and kisses, to bring the best in her, him, to mature the good points, don’t be a father of “NO”, people who keep saying..dont do this, don’t eat that…seat still, eat your food…I saw that you can get all of that with love, with peace, with simply talking, with simply give attention to your child, so she/he doesn’t need to misbehave to attract your attention…

Will I be a father? Will I love someone to have child?? I love Anna, I can I say this???? I shouldn’t say this, I shouldn’t even try to feel this, but I do, I would love to love Anna and have a child with her, but if this is not possible, I need to move on, I cannot be a person who will be a lost and waiting for ever for the love will never return, for that second change that never happen, I need to look for the future with an open heart…

I just know one thing, I have a heart full of love, I hope god give a change to make some one very very happy person…is this to much to ask???

ikea

IKEA,  this is a common thing across Europe, when you move to another city, another country and you need to put things, to make yourself at home in fast, simple and not expensive way you go to ikea, so I did, it more them i expect, i was not just buying things for a house, it also a journey in the past, a moment to be shocked...

I arrive here about an week ago, I need to set my house, I need get ready for a new chapter in my life, so like thousands of people I went to ikea…and it was one of the most heartbreaking experience I had a long time.

I remember going to ikea with Anna, as we decorate our house in my country, at the time I didn’t even realize how luck I was, we get confused, we forget that sharing building a house with the person you love is one of the best experience of your life, I even complain about going to ikea, I saw almost going to ikea as boring thing, I didn’t even realize that I was going to build a home, a place for me and Anna to be happy.

As I cross the ikea, I see all this young couples, starting their life's, building a home for them, old couples, gay couples, and all are happy, all have sense of purpose, and I am trolling this ikea monster store alone, to build a empty apartment for me…

And when I cross the child session is terrible, i remember all the things i took for my love child, building her first bed when she turn 2, how can i look at the same bed and not feel nothing, I look back at the past, and I just want to kick myself to pulp, how could I let something so special go way???

If you read this, learn one thing, love is not a sure thing, you can love letters, declarations, expression of eternal love, but you need to work for it, you need to realize how special love is, ikea bring all of this to me again, I felt that I lost so much in life that hurts.

Ikea will now will be a symbol for me, a place if I am back with Anna or some one I love in the future, that love is constant process, you need to build on it, you to make sure it last, you need to understand that you cannot be passive in love, you need to love, it strange to have love you need to love the moments you are together, you need to see that every moment you spend with the person you love is a joy, a not a guarantee, but a prize, a precious gem, if we all think like that there would be much more love.

I have now a house this is ready, I will miss little things like internet at home, I still don’t have tv working, but I have a place I can rest when I return from work.

I saw Anna already and her child, its so wonderful to see them, its not easy to control what you feel, i want to be her friend, i cannot ever tell how much i care about her, you the fear that if you open your heart, if you saying the wrong thing, she will never will see me again, she will ban me forever from her life, I need to give time to time…

This first days are a roller coaster, you tend to feel things a bit more them when you are settle and have a good base, my foundations in here are just starting, I know I will be here for sure for the next two years, and possible 2 more, them we see...

there is a church near my house, I pass by it must of the days, i seat there, it’s a place where I can find some peace, where I can ask God to help me, i only ask for one thing, a simple thing, love, is this so much to ask?

I don’t have to understand everything I would just like to see a bit the lay plan for me!!

If you know the ikea process, see a love like that, if you want a nice love, you need to join the pieces, you need to connected them, you need to dedicate time and energy to your goal, and your goal in life should never be your work, your career, money, this is secondary things, your goal in life should be that the person who is with you is happy and loved, this is the most important thing ever!!!!!!!

Don’t lose your time with not important things, spend time in LOVE!!!

Christmas

Christmas is a special time, for me it not about the presents, its about being with the ones you love, the family, the special people in your heart, i see this christmas in two ways, as the close down of a period of dark clouds in my life and a open of a new life!!!!

i hope by next christmas my blog will be different, will be a song of joy, of sharing a life, of a the creation of a family, this is the wish for me, this is what i will ask for my christmas present!!! was i good enough for that??? i hope so!!! i did a massive effort for good, and its something i dont stop now, and i will never stop, i made a promise to myself, i promise to be honest, to be pure, to be happy and to be strong!!! i promise i will never cheat, i will never play games, i will life to that!!! i am living to that!!!

this last two days i show that i can keep with this promise, i was approach my one of colleagues to start an affair, she told she like me, she had feelings for me and since i was leaving we could have a affair...nothing important...just an affair...but she is married...i am not married...i dont have a girlfriend...so i was not cheating no one...but i was part of a game...of something i would start and where it would end no one knows...and i dont love her..i dont feel nothing....sex? no! i want more them sex, i want love!!!!

i am going to move, i am not sure when i can make my next post, but it will be in the same place where Anna and her child life...i can see the stars and know we will be both be looking at the same sky, that will see the same sun...share the smell of rain...and that i can see her...this is great feeling for me!!!

should we be just friends???? we are just friends!!!! i am there as her friend...as her support...i am honest and i be pure...and i hope God can look at me and say, you will have a second chance...they say true love conquers all...my love is true and pure....so maybe i can find love again!!! this is christmas we always hope in time...so lets hope...lets pray...and be honest, pure and true!!!

i am maybe the last of dying breed, the last of the romantics, the last of the ones you trully believe in love, in one person for ever and that is better to fight for what he believes!!! there is this magic phrase....accept what you cannot change...change what you cannot accept... i cannot change the fact that after the day will come the night, that we go old, that during our lifes we will lose ones to death....but i cannot accept that life is about cheating and affair...no...this i cannot accept..and i will work to find...true love!!!!!

i know this is for me, this is my way to express what i trully feel...but if you came across this blog in this time...light a candle for me, pray for me, ask good to give me a change....and have a merry christmas!!!

on the way

I am starting a new chapther in my life, time is running down, its fast, its amazing how fast can move, i am chancing my life, i am changing my job, we have a say, new new year, new life, and this year its not literal, its reality, new job, apartment, city, country, gym, it may say i will change everything, maybe i change a lot, but there are things you dont change.

In this days i am closing down a life in here and be ready for the move, during the mad rush you think also a lot, can you change??? maybe change is not the right word, i didnt change, i look at the mirror i am the same, i didnt change when i say i will never cheat the women i love, i dont change in the values i consider right, i didnt change in the way i view the world, i didnt change in believing in do the right thing independent what people my think of you or what will be the costs...

and yet i i change, i am so much tolerant, more open, ready to share, learn to see the other side, to be able to realize you need to share, you need to be there, you need to be a friend, to be source of help, of joy, i took a look back as this year is coming to an end, and i realize i move a lot, this year 2011, was not good for me, it was full of pain, suffering, devastation, miseary, but...and its a big but, it open the door to my heart, of my mind, and maybe of my life, its a year i will never forget, this year which i start being fully convinced of everything, of my ideas, of my views of the world, of what was right and wrong...i will finish with a view that in fact i have much less black and white views, i learn a lot about me, i learn a lot about life, about love, about what is really important in life, if you ask me...what you want for christmas, i would say what i want more them everything in life is that the women i love, loves me back, that simple...love!!!

i see during this days the mad shopping, the expensive gifts and i ask how much of this gifts are being bought not with joy, not to give joy, just to prove you spend a lot of money...are you giving the biggest of all to the persons you care??? are you giving them true friendship? love??? this is what i give, i hope them see that, that i would do anything for the people i trully care, one person i know, its not a friend, he couldnt be my friend, his wife as lung cancer and he could give her a lung, and he is not sure, because he races bikes on the weekend and he is not sure how this will affect this performance...i was speaking with him and 3 other guys in the gym...and i was shocked that no one said..you are a fucking bastard!!! i said it!!! they all look at me like was mad...i would have done this before even the doctor said the phrase....how can you carry one living in a situation like this????? what are we living in today???

this is part of that change, maybe i "change", improve, grow up, saw the "light", i am a better person, i am better with me, i hope i will be better with others, i hope that my christmas wish will come true, love!!!!

i dont have it now, but i have hope!!!!!! 2012 will be a love year!!!!

december

This december start a new approach, a new start in my life, i will leave my old job, i will leave my house, my country and move, move to a new job, apartment, city, country, its a fresh start, and the best thing of all of this is i will be near Anna.

I will life in the same city, in place we can see each other, were i hope we can enjoy a good time, i saw her, and i am not lying, i am not trying to play any games, every time i see i think, that i am close to the most beautifull girl in the universe, i smile, i feel like am take the world, that i the most lucky guy in the world to be there talking to her, is this love? i am still in love????

Yes, no, yes, no, i dont know, i have all this feelings, if she ask me back, i would say yes, in a blink, and yet i can survive if she say she doesnt want me, i dont want to build any expectations, i dont want to build any hope, i cannot confuse her being a friend to me, to a sign that she wants me back, its not easy, but its reality....

I will always love her, i will always have her in my heart, but i cannot be the guy who waits for ever to never to be called, to never have a second change, that i put all my life on hold to be confronted one day to Anna having a boyfriend or a husband...or even worse, to see her being alone and dont want you, i have to see how this change in place, in meeting her on a regular base, on us see each other now, to see how we changed, how we were shaped by current events, how we are now, maybe we are not going to together again, or maybe we are now perfect to each other, who knows????

what i know is december is the month of my birth, and last year, it start bad, it was like omen, it was like a sign that this december of 2010 to december 2011 would be what i can consider the worse year of my life, it was the only time in my life i lost hope, total lost of hope, i hit rock botton....this last days, this moments i have hope, i have a reason to believe life will be good....so i have a different sign, a different light, so maybe this will be like they say, after the storm will come sunny days, maybe i am ready to enter the sunny days!!!

life is not a easy road, its worth travel for, we should never stop fighting for what we believe, we should fight until the last breath we have, never stop, never quit, and if its for love, it until the day we die!!!!

i like this december, i have hope, i have joy, i have a reason to live!!!!!!

if you are out there....

If you are out there, the one who will touch my heart, the one who will bring the magic back life, you bring back love, you will bring me that special of kissing some one good morning, i hope we can meet soon, that my eyes can see you, that love can feel my heart....every day i wonder if i will find love again...its a strange process...i am not looking for it...i am not checking girls...going to bars...i am just living my life....

i keep thinking, is there some out there for me??? that really special person?? i am happy, i dont need this person to make me happy, for this i have me, i dont this this person to take care of me, i can do this pretty well, i want is some to share, to do things together, to be partner, to laugh together, to come home at night and have a tender feeling, to feel special, this is what i want, will i have get this???

i miss having some one to love, i try to think, to relax, that one day i will find the One, i look around, i know i am could make this person happy, magic, i learn the value of respect, of love, of sharing...sharing..it a simple word, and yet, we dont take it seriously...we think, its more important gifts, presents, no, no, no...the secret of having a life, a love is sharing, sharing your life, giving time, doing things, do the work at home, washing the dishes, do the rock she can share her issues, knowing that she will never be alone, that there will be always some one there for her...sharing, share the laugh, the tears, the joy, the pain, if you share, for real, no agenda, no hidden motives, no account, you created a life not of two persons or 3 or 4, depends if you have kids, you make a life one a family, of us, not they, this is sharing, this is make a unity, a life of love!!!

i am the last romantic? i am the last person you truly believe in love???? i keep writing this blog as a way to
show to others that you should follow your feelings, forget the impression that people have on you, be honest to your heart, open your heart,be truly honest, be the best you can be!!

I have no love, i have love in my heart, and i am still here...i am still standing...i am still smiling, i am still trying madly to be happy, so please, if you are out there, if you exist, please God, give a sign, make me believe i still have change to love!!!!!!

Afraid

Maybe afraid is not the right word, maybe its disapoiment, being let down, the last months i start a process of rebirth, of recovering myself, from losing Anna, from being a junkie of Anna, to be a happy person, i always consider that i had a special place in Anna heart, like she have one in mine. Anna will always be special for me, i touch her, i loved her, i dream with her, i cry for her, i cannot say she is the same as other people in my life, she is special, i was thinking i was also special for her.

this is not loving her now, or she still loving me, its a past, a bound, a connection, this is supose to last and resist the test of time, we are not together, but i dont have any reason to be bitter, to be angry, to have any negative feelings for her...now i start to feel from her part a sort of distance, of ditachment that i dont understand, the last time we speak, it was like she was doing me a favour...like, yyyeaa..yeeeaa....what you want??? she keeps telling, i will call you tomorrow, them nothing happens...what is she trying to prove? is she trying to create a situation that i will be annoyed and  cut all the contacts and she will be ok because the bad one was me?????

i am afriad that we are become more and more apart, and there is no reason, maybe its just a moment, maybe its just my impression, maybe its a direct effect of all the stress she is under, i am not pushing. i will always show my best side, she will never get a bad word or gesture from me, she is special for me!!! if situation turns for the worse, i will walk away, but i will never be bad for her!!!!!

life is moving in my way, i am getting fine, i am doing a training event today, talking for 65 people all day is not easy, but i am doing fine!!!! almost to mature force!!! i am returning to my funny mad me!!! i am not bitter, i am not writting this with any bitter feeeling in my heart, i am just telling things as they are....

i aam better, i am good,  i am trying to reach her a hand, why????? because she is special, because i will never want to see her sad, my biggest wish is that Anna is happy, that she find the peace that wants, that she can wake with a smile in her face...i am willing to be there to help reaching this, i am not trying to win her love, i am trying to make her a happy person, this is different, i am helping with no second intention...big liar...that is what you are saying...big fat liar...you want Anna back for you!!!!!

do i???? i dont know, does the Anna i love exist???? does the person i love so much still there??? this is the question that we soometimes get wrong, when you slipt from a person, time, life change us, the person looks the same, but she/he is not the same...and that is a reason why sometimes wanting people back fail so much!!!! i know what i want...i want to be at peace and be happy,  and i am!!!! i want love, this i dont have...Anna love??? another person love??? i open to love, and love is a process that you need to be treated well, to be a friend you still need to be treated well, confused??? you are not the only one : )

life is a very strange and magic journey, i am find this now, i am walking toward finding myself, now i hope i can find some one on the way!!!

in zen there is a say, to eat one meal you need to clean the plates from the last meal, my plates are clean now!!!

failing

I am falling, i am falling on my word, i am falling on what i said, and i am honest, i am being honest with me, were can i balance between what i feel and i promise???

I gave my word, i gave Anna the promise there was no hidden plan, there wasnt, but i keep having feelings for her, i keep think about her, i shouldnt, i sould forget her, i should not worry about her, i shouldnt care if she is happy or not...but i care, i saw myself on the drive home thinking about her, wishing to hear her voice, but i am not going to call, i am not going to do nothing...i will try to forget all i feel...

i am doing the right thing? i dont know, i dont really know, i wish one thing very different from what i am supose to be able to feel, i have lots of feelings in my heart, i dont know if i should walk away from her, she is my best friend, she is the most important person in my life, and i am not calling her because i dont want her to think i am pushing her, its a bloody stupid and hard situation, i cannot show her what i feel!!!! i have to hide all my feeling, keep them in control, maybe i with time i will be able to lose this feeling...

but i also ask myself, why should i kill love from my heart? its painfull? oh yes, its very painfull, it hard, but i love her, i should not even say this here, but i do, i know not one will know, but i am being honest with me, i will not do anything, its not easy, you love some one who doesnt want you, who you shouldnt love, and if she knows this she cut with me, can i live like this??? i dont know...

i am fine, i am not mad, i am eating, sleeping, laughting, i am being me, a good happy person, but i could be the best person in this world if she loved me, where hope, life, time, destinity have for me??? i dont know...this is not a easy post, its a complex time in here, i will move to her city, i will see her in the future, can i see her with another guy? how much will i suffer? some days i think i will be fine, that i am fine with the situation like it is now, some other days i feel i miss her so much....right now there is a lot on my mind, i write this post, and maybe it will be the first since i start that maybe tomorrow, or in a few days i will delete, i dont know...its not that i am in pain, its that i am no sure about life, about the which road to take, maybe god have a plan, a good one, it would be great if i would understand it a bit better...

life..every day

I talk and write about i feel, about my life, about what i see, my daily life is the source for what i write in here, the way i feel, the way i live my life, the things i see, what happen around, its the source and inspiration for what i write, i was soldier in a war, would write about i see there...but i am just an average guy, with a desk job, so write about my life...

I learn a lot about life this last year, i learn a lot about me...about people, because of what i happen to me i now take lot of attention how people, couples, how they interact, how they give attention or love to their partners...its strange...i am now helping a friend solving his issues, and i am trying to safe his marrige...me...who couldnt help myself..i am now helping....but strangely i am doing good

If you pay attention when you are in a plane, bus, restaurant, pay attention...see how people interact, do they care? do they show interest? are they in a good place???

what i see almost every day is people stop caring for their partners, i see a lot of cheating, of not caring, that i why i have lots of post were this is talked about this,I am amazed by how much people seen not to care about their partners...i was traveling recently in plane next to me there was this young couple with a girl about 2 years old, the father spend the 3 hours of the flight playing solitar in ipad, and not even once talk to his wife or pay any attention to his child, yesterday while i was waiting in the supermarket there was a couple, around late 30, not even a look between them...what are they thinking??? how can they love someone if you dont even look your partner, your wife, or kid in the eyes??

what is wrong?????? why people think that love is such a minor thing??? why looks like no one makes an effort???? are people together "just because"???? where is the true love???? do people in our days not realy love??? do they just think a life to be shared, is minor thing, a game a joke????

maybe i am bitter, maybe its because i lost my love, but i dont see around people who are willing to make an effort, who trully love, who really care about the partner...

I am the last person who can see this???? i am just stupid for thinking that you can make a life of two persons a life long journey??? that love is worth an invesntment, in time, in dedication????? i am crazy??????

i believe in what i think its right, i know if i have another chance of love, i will be very different from what i see around me...

i always believe true love conquers all, maybe i am wrong.....

I am still fine, life is good, but love is missing....i hope 2012 will bring that magic back to my life!!! who knows??? a new city, a new job, a new love??

face your word

I meet Anna, i cannot say how happy i was, to see her means so much to me, losing her, like i think i did, that i would never would see her was the worst thing in my life, its more them losing a person that means and meant so much to me, it was losing my best friend!!!!

We talk, we saw each other, and she even help me looking for an apartment, after 3 years of trying i finally found a job in the same city she lives, too late to save our love, i could curse my luck, see the things from a negative side, but i have a new job, a new challenge, i will living in the same place of Anna, i can see her, her child, its a lot to be happy for, its a great gift from life to me!!!

i promise her, i would be her friend, that there wouldn’t be any hidden agenda, that was my word, i saw her for two days, and i was looking for apartments in the two places of the city i knew, the place i lived before and near her place, in fact one of the places i saw was very close to her house, there was no hidden intention in here, but i forgot to see how this look like, how strange that may sound, i know that if would get that house near Anna, she would not even notice i was living there, i would never "casualy" meet her, will only will meet her if she wants, where she wants and when she wants, this is my word, this is who i am, and i will prove her, the junkie is long gone!!!! but i realise, i need to face my word, i need to prove her i am what i say i am, and i need to be extra careful in the first months, not because there is a secret agenda, no, i need to prove and sometimes more them prove that my intentions are the right ones!!! not only you need to be a friend, you need to show that you are a friend, and i told her, please if you have any issues say it on the spot, dont let perceptions cause a problem that there isn’t there.

i am honest, i saw her, and i still feel a little magic inside of me, yes, still smile like mad, i still cherry every moment we have together, but i know, i will not put put any “moves” on her, she see me as a friend, i am her friend, and she is now my FRIEND!!!!! i have one word, i will honor it!!!

i am starting my own life, i will live my own life in there, i will life by my own agenda, i hope to see Anna, like i would hope to see any of my close friends, i hope we can do things together, but i have my life, she have hers, and the future is there to discovered, will our futures crossed again??? i dont know, maybe not, maybe we will be good friends and that is all that it will ever be, but have such a close and great friend is already so great!!!

I have a chance to prove lots of the things i say here, and i will not let Anna down, i will life to prove my words, all i said in here i will honour, and prove her, we can be friends, honest, pure and true friendship!!!

Life

Life is a strange process, in august i was a mess, i was source of pain, to me, to the people around me, to all the ones i care, i was not good, how can we let ourselfs reach a stage that you become such a mess???

its very complex, simple, and easy, you stop thinking, you stop see things as they are, you stop believing in yourself, and you start to think all the answers in our problems are one person!!!

its not like this, you cannot find happiness that you seek in others if you dont find it in yourself first, you cannot be a partner, a friend, a lover, a husband, wife, if inside of you there is no peace, no joy, no love for yourself, this is where we usually fail, we think the answer for all our issues lay with others, it doesnt, we need to be alone in a place and be happy, we must think..wooww, what a great day i had, life is great!!!

Life is process that you must find your inner peace, is it easy? no!!! its bloody hard!! we are bombarded by society that we shouldnt be alone, alone is bad, alone is because you are not happy, that you have no one...its not true, you need to look at yourself, and try to answer a very important question, can you be alone and still find joy in life? still smile??? if you can, then you are ready to be with someone, if you cannot be alone and happy, then you are not ready to be with others, maybe its a bit of a zen thing, but we need to be alone and happy to be together and happy!!

I am happy, i am getting a good chance, a bloody good chance of a great job, and i will move to the city of Anna, no, i am not going to chase her, i promise her, honesty, friendship, there is not agenda, no hidden motives, i hope she can understand, i need "pal", someone to talk, to laugh, to speak about things, a friend!!!

i am starting a new job, someday i am super relaxed, some other days, like today, after i read lots of papers, i am a bit scared!!!! but its a challenge, its a new thing, it will be good, it will be tough, but its a new start!! and this is the most important thing, a new fresh started!!!

life is not just add all the days we live, its what we do with this days, what did we do with our life’s, was i a good person? did i stand for the right causes? did i touch others? was a positive influence in others? did i love??? did i felt the love in my heart??? 

i dont know the answers for all of that, but i am sure, i love, i was loved, this is the biggest thing any one can say!!!! how many go through life without feeling, without find true love....maybe a lot more them we think, i found love, i trully did, its one of the reason this blog exist, it start as a labour of love, love touch me, and can say, its magic!! i regret nothing!!!!

life is about not regretting, its about believing in the future, its about be at peace with yourself, its not be afraid of taking risks, its about be good for others, its about God, its about family, friends, we should never forget, being alive is a super great thing!!!! make others smile, today i stop my car in a busy street to let a old lady pass by, she was surprised and happy, she smile to me, it the best moment of this week, a smile and great feeling, just being good for no interest, that is what we should all be living for!!! make others happy, with no interest!!! be yourself a source a happiness...be happy...be alive!!!

Time

Time is a friend, an enemy, o cure, a pain, in fact time is all of that and more, with time we start to lose the pain we feel, all pains, physical pain, love, lose, they all slow and fade with time...

but time brings also the memories, bring to the mind the good and bad, but we start to think only about the good things....

i had a lucky break recently in my job area, but its taking a bit more time to happen them i expect, i am starting to be anxious, i am losing my patient, but its under control...i have full control over me now! i am not losing my mind, i am not going to be mad!!!

I changed, i never really plan my future, i always let things happen, never consider what will happen in 4, 5 years, this is over, i now i am planning my future, maybe i am getting old, maybe learn more about life, i have now a plan for my next 4 years, i am hoping that after this lucky break, i will take all chances not to return, i see my future not in here, but in a different job, in a different place!! and instead of waiting to things to happen, to let time just flow, i am now taking from day one the chances to make my life change!!!!

i hope this luck break on the professional side will also lead to a new dawn for my personal side!!! i am not the stressed person i was, i am not the madly focus on one person i was, i am now a normal person, with its issues and strengths, but i am much, much better them i was in august!!! this month and half made a huge difference in me!!! i look back and i am shocked, i was not good, not good at all, for no one, and not even for me!!!!

if you are reading this, and thing there is no hope, that life will never smile at you back, i tell you, and i tell you from the heart, time will make a huge difference, hope is always there, we fail to understand one thing, hope, strengths, happiness are not in others, its in ourselves, we need to look inside of us for hope, for joy, for peace, its here, its in you, in me, in every one of us, we just need to learn how to get it back!!! another person is luxury, and gift, a magic moment, the best reward we can have, but we cannot expect that its the other person that will bring all the things to us, no, its us that need to bring all the best in us!!

If we are a mess, the other part can be there, can be a rock, can provide all the love and support, but cannot make us feel good about ourselves, we need to do this for us, this is another thing time teach me, its us you bring peace and power to ourselves...

time is a ultimate teacher, and i have hope for the future, i am know time is on my side!!!!

Saudade

Saudade, its a bit a magic word, there is not a lot a good translaction, its a word from this country in the south of europe, there is this french song, saudade, also, its when you miss some one...

when you look back you try to make a picture in your mind about how it was the life with some you loved, the love between you and that person, you try to see the good points, the fights, you try to understand why you are not together any more, was it good? was it bad? was it worth it? every person will have a different view, you will have one...she will have another, your friends a different one...

for me the only thing i care, was, was it worth it???? how i will remember this person???? with a smile??? or deep grim??? we meet people across our lifes, some will take a vital place in your mind, they will be remember when your life past in front of your eyes in the closing moments, others, they are a side note, you will have to make a effort to remember them.

i have persons who cross my life, and i have persons who touch my life, there is many ways to be special, to be remembered, Anna touch my life in a very special way, she will always be special, different, i would never would see her again, she would still be a special friend, i will always treat them in a special way, this doesnt mean, i will chase her again, that i want to be back in her life,no, i share my heart with her i dont have a lot of person who touch my heart, for Anna, i will be always there, i can be married with kids, she can be married with kids, we can be in 2040, we be both old and grey, and she will still be special, its nothing to do with trying to go back in a relationship, or have any second intention, its fact this person touch my life in a very special way, so there is no way i can treat her the same way i deal with a normal friend from high school!!!

this the way i think, maybe others will think in a different way, i dont know, i can always think for me, and this is way i think!!!i hope she see me also in a special way, some who she loved, some she love so much, i have no doubts that she trully loved , we share so many wonderful moments, maybe she doesnt think the same way, maybe she see me in a different light...

i can only speak for me, and i can say, i much rather remember the joy and love them the fights and bitter moments, and i know life is a long process, but when i rather think about the good things, about the joy, zen say, we are what we think, so thing good and life will reward you with good things....

i have to say, for me i will always will be thinking of  Anna with joy, i will remember her, i will thinking about her in many moments in my life, we life together, we share a lot, i hope she can see me the same way, i hope in the future we can meet, do things together, share a dinner, remember stories, and find in our minds the joy of being friends!! friendship, honest, no agenda, no hidden motives, just true friendship, because a friend to whon you can say anything is very precious, this is what Anna is for me a close and true friend!!

There is no secret story here, there is not moving backwards to a time to try to get "a fix with Anna", no!!! i am not trying to get her, its about the way you see others, how you remember your life, its about not let the past control your futures..and missing some one, a person you have a special place in your heart, Anna is, i say is, i hope i am right, and dont want to use "was" my best friend, and miss her...as friend!!!

Its about how you see the other persons, its about being happy, i am concentrating in the good things, be a positive force!! and life will be good for me!!!  be open to chance, be open to be happy, and you will be suprised with life!!!!life can be great!!!

sunny day

Today was a perfect summer day, sunny, blue skies, hot, this amazing light, and its almost October but it feels like June!!! its a bit like i feel today, its like i am happy again, that my life is getting back in track again, its like the little pieces are slowly coming in to place!!!!

I have a chance of new job, a real job, a new challenge, a hard and demanding job, in a different country, in a different city, where you can start fresh, where you will have a chance to reinvent yourself!!! it strange how a new job makes you feel so good!!! it not the salary that is important, its not the fact that i know this is a 4 year job and them its over, hey, 4 years is a lot of time!!! lots of things can happen in 4 years...2007-2011, my life change so much so many times that its crazy, this new job is like a sign, its like a magic piece so i can rebuild the way i see myself, i have so many plans, things to do, places to see, i am planning to feel my time with walks, mountains, sea, gym, work, i look at the sun and blue sky and say, life is good!!!

could be better???? sure, it love life is always better, share a life and its always better!! but you can be happy with you, you can be happy just with you, your well being should never be dependent on others, you should be able to leave the bed in the morning and say...what a great day...if you are alone or not!!!!

when we have a just eggs and sausages we can make a super tasty lunch, we dont need to have lots of things to cook a super tasty meal, we just cook with what we have and eat it, and say, this was a super lunch, or dinner, the same we should do with life, enjoy what we have, take the massive advantage of it, be happy, see the light, come out, live life!!!

i am in this stage now, i happy, i am ready, to see my life moving forward, and i am ready to have kids, it strange in my recent travel, i was in a foreign country, and while i was waiting in the airport, i come across a job where they sold baby clothes, i would never even look at that in the past, and yet now, i stop, i look, i smile, and was almost tempted to buy it, i was thinking about the joy that must be to buy this things for your kids, i was there 10 seconds, but it was a revelation, it was a very intense 10 seconds, and i smile, i found happiness, not sadness, not despair, i am alone, i have not a person in my life to own i want to have a baby with, and yet i was happy, i was good, this was one of the best moments in the last months!!!

I left the clouds and dark stops, i am in the sun, i am enjoying the light, life is so full of surprises!!!!