i am reaching a point were i am free, trully free, i am suprised, but life is full of suprises, no, i dont have no one new in my life, i dont have a new girlfriend....but i am feeling free....it a bitter sweet feeling....
i reach a state of peace, i am reaching some sort of inner feeling....what happen??? a lot..and nothing...i keep doing my life, doing my sport events, my runs, my "mad" run events, and during this events i meet a group of people...from my old gym...back in my country, i found people who are happy with life, people who go out, who have problems, who have tough jobs, and yet are happy, and yet are there, supporting each other....i found a side of life that i almost have forgotten...
i meet this girl....we meet in a mud run event, we start by talkiing..we share lots of messages, i was stupid...i let hope enter my mind...if you descrive the perfect girl, she would be her!!! she would be perfect for me, we like the same things, she even like the star wars!!!!she is super fit, she is always laughing, she is so happy, we keep in touch, we talk a lot, online and in person...and i get a bit confused...its like you are walking in the desert for years...and you see an oasis, i start falling for her...but she is just friend....she told me that...she is just my friend....now i am not even sure...but life is like this...the problem is after being out of the "game" for so long, i cannot even read the signals...i was thinking she like me....she didnt....but she show me a new side of life...a life of laughing, a life were you can be happy every day....
and this make me realise...there is a life out there...there is a life that i was missing...i need and go look for this life...and also make me understand how far Anna already moved away from me...i dont count...i am off...and i am start to see a person who doesnt respect me....
i keep getting letter for Anna, from my country...i keep asking my family to send them here, i keep putting them in a envolope...driving to her place and put in the her mail box...i even wrote a polite and nice note...but i dont even get...thank you!! nothing...and its sad and not correct when people think you have an obligation to help them, to do things for them....when i was blind..i wouldnt even question this...but i am blind not more....
yes,i meet this person....i would like that things would have been different, i would have like to show her that life is a great journey...but i was not that person....but this...and started to be able to see things, not in a heart fill of love...with a normal heart...i start to see a side of a person i dont like...and this keep making me move away...i keep moving...and i am getting in a better shape, i get more closed, i am more at peace...but all of this have a cost...a big cost....
i am not a person who is happy...i may look happy....people may even think i dont have a care in the world...but no...i am getting cold...i am getting more away from a state where the sun shines...i am walking into winter even if its summer outside...i am becoming a person who pass by others and dont see them.....this is not good...
i had a dinner with some of my collegues last week...and i realise how shocking one sided they see me....how wrong they are about who i trully am....i let them think...they see just one side...i dont care...i dont care about others say...what they think...i maybe show less of "me"....i am not talking so much....i am much more quiet...some already spot the difference...one girl ask me if i was ok...i smile and said yes...its true??? parcial yes.....so i keep walking....i keep moving away....the time i am free, should i keep this blog? is it correct to keep this blog???? i will not close or delete anything...what i say in here is my life...its part of my life...it journey that i carried since 2011....a joureny that start with me totally in love with Anna, and will end with me walking away..is this the end??? is there a point having this bloog if i find some one??? if i break free??? i dont know....
i know my boss ask me if i want to stay two more years in here...i said yes...i come here because of Anna, that was the only honest reason, i could have returned to my country.....and i was thinking...how much hope i had when i come here...and now i am staying because of the last in my mind...because of the money...
life is a strange journey...but i keep being honest with me...with what i feel...and to hell to what other peoplo think...or say...i think this is what we should all do....we should live without fear...without any regrets, without any "if" or "but".....life with honesty!!!
