At drift

Time is passing, time heals all wounds, time cures everything, but, why there is always a but, i am still miss Anna, i could lie and say, Anna?? who??? i wouldnt be honest, i saw her today, i gave some legal later that arrive for her..life brings me pieces to remember her, its letter send to my old address to her, i collect and give them to her

everytime i see her, i realise what i real feel, not what i want to feel, what i should feel,when i see her, its pure honesty, i cannot lie to myself, the first think in my mind is to give her a huge kiss, i saw her today, i miss her so much, i have this speech ready, to pretend i am so cool, that i am so fine....lies..but when i see her everything is forgotten, i dont remember nothing, i feel like a kid who is 15 and is in front of his first love, you cannot find the right words, the "cool" thing to say, i just said what i feel....and sometimes i shouldnt...

i just saw ther today and i still feel like the first time i saw her, i love her!!!!! i totaly love her!!!!! it was a short talk a few fast minutes, but everytime i speak with her, there is no pressure, its like there is a magic between us, like for that moment everything is perfect, i miss this, i miss her, i miss her smile, to see her big beautifull eyes, listen to her voice....

and i know, i know i am not part of her life, that i discarded cart, it hurts to say this, it hurts to still have this feelings for her, i shoudnt even let this word come to my mind, but i do, i realise one thing, i can no see her for months, i could never her see her again, but my heart is stupid, he doesnt learn about time, he just tells me, i love Anna!!!!

i have to learn to life, to life in a different way, we try forget the persons we loved, i cannot do that, i cannot forget Anna, what i need to to is not forget her, not to try to stop loving her, i need to learn to live with all the love for i have for her and not be with her, i need to learn how i can carry on living without see her, i need to learn how i can enjoy every day without having her next to me, i need to see other people, to find a different way to love others, is not easy, but i have no choice, i need to carry on...i need to live...

we are so sure in some moments, stronger, who have a plan, and all the sudden, you see the person of your life and you are like a lost kid, like a lost soul....i love ANNA!!!!!!!!!!!!! and yet i will never will have her...i need to learn to live with this facts and learn to move!!!

this is a very tough part of the year, tomorrow it makes on year of my darkest day in life, so lots of feelings, lots of memories, lots of things passing your mind, its a tough time, a confusing time, my path is not an easy one, but i am right way! i hope!!!

maybe one day, maybe if some one else cross my path, i find happiness, love, a reason to be trully happy, i believe that will happen and i am working for that, i am not having sorry of myself, i am out there, i am facing life, i am out there taking my chances, to be happy with what i have, moving forward with my life!!!

last year i ask go for a "favour" and i made a "promise" to God to "pay" this promise, that promise didnt come true, i didnt get what i wanted, but i will still honor my part, why?? its a question of faith! maybe the promise will happen, i dont know when, so i do what i promise to do!!
I carry on living....looking for the future, and starting walking to new day!

Stronger

I am reading a lot, i currently reading a very interesting book, it speaks about the difference about being tough and being strong, the main difference is tough makes you not feel, it makes you indiferent, it makes you distant, in a short line, it makes you less human, less able to feel, to love!

stronger makes you deal with the situations, makes you feel the pain, but you can resist, you can move on, you can learn from the pain, it keeps you open to feel, to love...

I realise one thing, i for a long time i was focusing on being more tough, and i was not getting better, i am moving towards being indifferent, to lose touch with life, i am now focus on being strong!!!

there is no magic soluction, there is no magic pill, we all deal with pain in different ways, i for a long time ask myself, why??? why?? I could have give Anna everything she wanted, a husband, a partner, a suport, a friend, a rock, a funny guy, love, true love...i stop ask myself why??? i dont know the answer, i maybe will never know, i am sure many of us in the similar situation ask ourselfs lots of questions, we keep trying to understand...

maybe the best is not to understand, is not knowing, its simpler learn to deal with the fact, i have no love, i lost her, and just look at pain in the eyes, while we keep asking questions, while we keep looking for a reason we avoid the basic thing, we are lost, we are afraid, we dont want more pain....no, look at the pain in the eyes, look in your heart, look at the hole in there, look at your fears, this is the only way we can move on with our lifes, doesnt matter what will happen in the future...we need to face our biggest question...she/he is gone...

i need to learn face this question....i can wish to go back in time, i can wish for a miracle, i can wish for a new chance....but i need to face the cruel reality, its not going to happen...

so i need to be stronger, and i am getting stronger every day, its a battle, day by day, like exercise, if you want to be in shape, if you go to the gym one day, you dont get in shape...its a long process, you need to exercise for a long period, the same thing with getting stronger, every day you get a bit stronger, you must carry on day by day, you are not getting stronger to revenge, to show to the other part what she/he is losing, you get stronger to live with joy, to enjoy your own life, to be happy!!!

i am getting stronger for me, and me only, so i can start a new phase in my life, so one day you can wake up and feel the joy of life in full force in your heart!! people say...i am not that strong...i was reading recently, "you only find how strong you are, when being strong is the only choice left"...its true, i live this, this being strong as nothing to do with being fit, in shape, have muscles or not, its about the capacity of dealing with problems that affect our lifes!!!!

Being strong is not about using other people, its not getting lots of girls, its not about stop believing in people, is not about lose hope, its not about lying, its not about being an asshole...a make believe "casanova"!!! its the opposite, its about being fair, just, its about learning and believing you will find some one who you can love, that life is beautiful, that people deserve a chance, that you are honest, that you can one day find love, that one day you can look in the eyes of your fear, and insted of being cold with fear, just smile....

how we get stronger??? there is no magic way, which one of us will have different way, we are all different, we all do things in a different way, for me, i read, punch my exercise bag, i run, i face the ocean, i see my friends, and i am honest, there are moments even i do all of this, i not happy, that you still think about that magic person...that there is still moments that you feel that you will break up...but day after day, you will learn to get better control, you will find joy in little things, you will be better, it not a instant process...you need to tell yourself...i am fighting a long war...not a battle...this is a war...a war with yourself, a war that you will only lose if you stop believing in yourself....every day is a battle....and every day is victory...so fight...fight like me...dont hold back...fight like today is your last day, fight like your life depends on this...this is a fight you cannot lose!!

i will not lose, i am a fighter and i am getting stronger!!!

future????

I am at a cross road of my life, when you are in the early 20s or even in your 30s you think that you have all time in the world, but do we have all this time??? i am facing a big question, a question that i ask my self every day, what do i want??? what is important for me???

and i realise one thing, i am trying to avoid answer this questions, i try to pretend i dont have to make any choice, that i am just giving myself time, and insted i am not taking the must basic question of my life..what i will do next? what i do i want for the future???

i dont speak about work, i dont speak about money, about carrear, no, i speak about love, i speak how i see my future as a person...as some one who can be a partner for some one...a husband, a father...

i has taking with some friends yesterday, we spoke about life, about relantionships, about love,about precious moments, about what is important for us, and as i was driving back home, i realise one thing, something i dont want to admit, all my taking was about how great Anna was, how much she shape me in a better person...how the best moments of my life were at her side...its not easy...

i waited, i hoped, and i lost, i lost her, and i dont want to feed me with expectations..i dont want to be back to place where i wait for nothing...to hope and nothing will happen..i dont want to see my life pass by me....

and yet, i feel less and less the need to go out, i am fine, i am reaching a peacefull state, and i start to feel that i dont need to go out, that i dont need to go to parties, that i can focus in relaxing, enjoy time with my friends, and keep with my sports...that i dont need no one...

am i lying to myself??? should i start see some one i dont trully love? some i care, but there is not that special feeling??? i am not afraid of being alone, i am not afraid of coming home and there is no one there....

dont get me wrong, life is better shared, life is supposed to be a journey were people are side by side, not alone, but if if you have to walk life alone, do it with a pure heart, with honor, with courage, this is what i try to do now, i am trying to find lots of answers for questions that i cannot maybe handle now...

i am thinking about going to spain and do this walk to santiago, the santiago trail, i would walk 500 kms, its to give myself time to think, to isolate myself from the day to day, to look at my inner soul, to question my feelings, to look at me, and try to find what i want, my true honest wish, and them life with this, in a honest way, we cannot escape the our own voice, you may lie to others, but you cannot lie to yourself, and this is the biggest mistake we do, we lie to ourselfs, we lie to ourselfs every day, in our work, in our relantionships, in our goals, we start living others peoples lives, we stop living our own life and become a image of what others, or society, or the image we would like to show...we are no longer honest, why???? because its easier, because it helps us conform, with help us better join the group...

this is what scares me, i am not being honest...with me, do i want to forget Anna??? do i want Anna to disapear from my mind??? do i have feelings for her?? will i wait??? will i hope for miracle??? there is a line where you know what is possible, and should you carry on living with a "hope" of something that you know that will never happen??? i dont have any answer...but i need to look at me and see my answer...not other people answer...mine...and learn to live with it!!!

can you live like this??? i am wasting my life???? i dont know, there is many questions in my mind, and yet i see the storm clearing, i see my boat broken, but i still floating, i can start reparing my sails, i can start to see the sun behind the clouds, i can start to feel back in control, i start to feel i can start thinking to reach a port, i hope as the night falls, that i can see the stars and not only clouds and rain, i can only ask from myself to be honest, true, just, peaceful and strong!!!!

life is path, a journey, dont let fear be your guide, let love guide you, and with love, pain, miseray suffering, will never in vain!!!! be honest with yoursef!!!