This is one of the biggest things in life, we hope, its hope that drives us forward, that makes us smile, that push us into big things, that drives us in being better people, them there is reality, the cruel face of life, and there is agap between what we hope and what we see in the cruel day to day reality!!!
I always consider, i always hope, if i could find a job in the same place of Anna, that if i was close to her, if she could see how i change, that we would go to the cinema, to listen to music, to run, to walk, i hope for this, i hope with all my heart, and yet, reality is a far different cry, we dont see each that much, i dont go to the cinema, to have lunch, dinner, life is very different from what i hope....
how do i deal with this difference??? this is the key for me, and for all of us, the difference of reality and hope, and what we do, do we quit, do we let reality take over??? and what is reality??? can we by hope, by effort, by love, by dedication, by faith change reality???? i trully believe so!!!! i dont quit, i will not stop, because i had a day that life to my expectations!! i will make a bigger effort on the next one, i will even take more care, its about not giving up!!! its about not stopping believing...its not easy, its much more easy to decide, i had enough, i am tired, i am not going no where...and give up!!! yes, its easier, but its better??? are you being truth to yourself??? we all say, i will do this...i will love you forever, i will make an effort, and yet, how many of us, at the first signs of trouble, at the first disappointment, give up??? how many of us real life to our words???
yes reality is cruel, there only facts, no emotional side, but we are all warriors, we are fighters, we are not suppose to give up...we should fight for what we believe, if you dont fight for love, if you dont fight for the must important person in your life, you will fight for what?????
my reality is not even close to what i hopped, and i am still fighting, its going 3 months i am here, and still fighting, i am still trying to get my reality close to what i hope, and every day i will fight for it, you can ask, when will i stop??? the answer is very simple, never, i will never stop, maybe i will die before i have the change to kiss Anna lips, before i can touch her again, before i can say to her..I love YOU!!! but i will never will stop hoping and fighting for what i want!!! for what i believe!!!
I may be stupid, i maybe be crazy, but i will continue to fight for this love, i will continue to for ever, i hope so how i can show to others that we shouldnt stop, that we should fight for what we believe, that love is a worth thing to fight for, that love brings the best in you, that you should take advantage of every day to make reality into hope, and hope in reality!!!!!
life is a long journey, dont stop fighting for love!!! its the best thing that you can have in your life!!! I hope that my reality will be with Anna!!! for ever!!!
Saturday 31 March 2012
Tuesday 20 March 2012
little things
In the big picture of life we tend to look at the big events, at the big actions, that big moments in life, but we forget that when we break up, when we fall in love, when we are in a relationship, its the little things that make us special, that make the true difference.
We think that buy expensive gifts once in a while is the way to show how we care, its nice, but we should keep this effort on the little things, and this little things happen every day, they are the things that make the difference between having a great partner, who truly loves and respect you and some one who is just there...
its about giving that unexpected kiss, that little touch, saying, you are the most beautiful women in the world, i love you, its about cleaning the house as surprise, its about preparing her a bath when she arrives home from work, its about wave to her while you go away, its about doing what you say, its about make her a little drawing, write her two lines and put in her book that she reads at night, i could go on....and you ask, hey, you did all that and you were in a relationship????
i didnt do all of this, i did a small part, i was part of the group that consider, hey, she knows i love her, i show it, by being here, by being honest faithful, its ok, i was thinking...this is a man way....and i know now, i as wrong, so so so so wrong. I learn, i learn the hard way it can be learned, you learn by losing, i lost the women i love!!!
but i learn, you are not me, you can dazzele your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc, change the way you life every day, its the touch in the hand at breakfast, its eating together, its saving time for you and your lover, its about slipting the task, its about creating a feeling of love, a feeling of us,not me...not you...US!!! this is the little things we get every day, its by doing this every day that same couples, maybe not even realizing they do it, they are married for ever, they are happy, they resist the test of time, they seen so normal, they seen to do the same things like every one else, there is no apparent difference, people ask, why they dont get divorced, why they are still in love after all this years????? why...its the little things, watch the details, the attention to conversation, the smile, the way they treat each other, this is way same people stay together, and others dont, because one think, hey...she is glad that she have me, i dont need to prove my love every day...there is many other girls/guys out there...like this you are not going to make...
the trick is the little detail, the effort you do every day, the way you build your relationship, the way you walk side by side with your love, this is what makes a couple work out when all others seen to fail around...
I wish one day i could prove all of this to the women i love!!!! i wish i could tell her in 2052...40 years from know, while we are both old, and we have grey hair, and wringles, i hope i can look at her and say, we are still together, i was never so happy in my life, and you are the must beautiful girl in the world, and i wouldnt being lying, because for me, she will always be the must beautiful women in the world, she is the person i love!!!
We think that buy expensive gifts once in a while is the way to show how we care, its nice, but we should keep this effort on the little things, and this little things happen every day, they are the things that make the difference between having a great partner, who truly loves and respect you and some one who is just there...
its about giving that unexpected kiss, that little touch, saying, you are the most beautiful women in the world, i love you, its about cleaning the house as surprise, its about preparing her a bath when she arrives home from work, its about wave to her while you go away, its about doing what you say, its about make her a little drawing, write her two lines and put in her book that she reads at night, i could go on....and you ask, hey, you did all that and you were in a relationship????
i didnt do all of this, i did a small part, i was part of the group that consider, hey, she knows i love her, i show it, by being here, by being honest faithful, its ok, i was thinking...this is a man way....and i know now, i as wrong, so so so so wrong. I learn, i learn the hard way it can be learned, you learn by losing, i lost the women i love!!!
but i learn, you are not me, you can dazzele your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc, change the way you life every day, its the touch in the hand at breakfast, its eating together, its saving time for you and your lover, its about slipting the task, its about creating a feeling of love, a feeling of us,not me...not you...US!!! this is the little things we get every day, its by doing this every day that same couples, maybe not even realizing they do it, they are married for ever, they are happy, they resist the test of time, they seen so normal, they seen to do the same things like every one else, there is no apparent difference, people ask, why they dont get divorced, why they are still in love after all this years????? why...its the little things, watch the details, the attention to conversation, the smile, the way they treat each other, this is way same people stay together, and others dont, because one think, hey...she is glad that she have me, i dont need to prove my love every day...there is many other girls/guys out there...like this you are not going to make...
the trick is the little detail, the effort you do every day, the way you build your relationship, the way you walk side by side with your love, this is what makes a couple work out when all others seen to fail around...
I wish one day i could prove all of this to the women i love!!!! i wish i could tell her in 2052...40 years from know, while we are both old, and we have grey hair, and wringles, i hope i can look at her and say, we are still together, i was never so happy in my life, and you are the must beautiful girl in the world, and i wouldnt being lying, because for me, she will always be the must beautiful women in the world, she is the person i love!!!
Sunday 18 March 2012
feeling
Our lifes are long strange long puzzle, some days we are full of happiness, others we are just feeling blue, yesterday was on tv the city of angels, i like this film a lot, but i felt a different way now, i felt it more deep, and i believe what he says, that he would trade eternity for a kiss, i understand, because i can feel the same!!
i would trade many of my years for the Anna love, what is more important, to life a long life or life with love, your special person, the ONE!!!! we all die, there is not mistake in here, we all die, life is just a day, we know it will end, we know it doesnt come back and yet sometimes we dont use this magic times!!
i am here for on almost 3 months, life at work start to be more easy, i start to understand the topic more, i start to be able to go in my working life without panic, but my personal life seens not to improve, i see Anna, yes, but as much as i would hope, we are doing anything together, not walking, not going for a film, nothing, i dream with the day i see her again, i get anxious like a15 old kid, i get nervous, and when i see i should to kiss and say how beautiful she is!!! but i dont say nothing, i dont want to lose the chance to see her, i have to much love for her!!!i keep hoping for that day, but that day is never coming...
i went to the church yesterday to light a candle for her, she is going in try to have a new chance in the professional life, i went to ask for her, and i was true, my first wish is her happiness, even if she is not happy with me, will i be happy if she gets a boyfriend?? a new relantionship??? no, i am honest, i will suffer, but i will understand, i will know she will be happy, i will be like shit, and i think i will walk away...but i care about her being happy, if i see her laugh, if i see her happy, this will give me peace!!
I was in the gym yesterday, i am getting in a great shape, i am trying to be in the best shape ever, to be in the best of me, it the only thing i can do, i can try to improve my life as much as possible, and i was gym, i see people, i see guys with ring in the finger hitting on girls, i hear their talks in while you change clothes, this people dont have love, they think, hey, i am man, i can do what ever i want, there is no respect, no love, yesterday 3 guys where talking, and saying, hey, i am married, but i have need, i need a new affair and all the others where laughing and saying...yes...all married, they look at me and say, hey..we are man, we should f--K any girl we can...i answer, no, i look him in the eyes and say, i see you dont know what true love is...there was a silence...i move to have my shower, and i could hear, that guy is stupid!!! and they all laugh...i guess they will never will know what is true love...
i know, i have it, and its not easy dont have the women you love so much by you, i clean my apartment, its a zen a thing, no work is to small to be done, in kendo, part of the exercise is cleaning the dojo, and i was thinking, how much i was wrong when i was with Anna, i dont show my true commitment, if you are together we should be together for everything, sharing the good and bad, sharing the bills, rent, tv, food, you should be a team, there should be this is my, this is yours, no, there should be i and you, there should be only us!!!! this is our bill, this is our task, this is our life!!! together, side by side!!! for everything!!!
this is love, this is the right way to life..
one of thing i regret is not having the chance to show Anna, how much i am different, how much we would be perfect, have i hope??? yes...no...yes...no....i not easy to answer, but i am not a person to quit, i will never quit, i can walk away, i can disappear from her life, but i will never quit!!!
maybe one day i can be happy with the women i love!!! Anna!!!
i would trade many of my years for the Anna love, what is more important, to life a long life or life with love, your special person, the ONE!!!! we all die, there is not mistake in here, we all die, life is just a day, we know it will end, we know it doesnt come back and yet sometimes we dont use this magic times!!
i am here for on almost 3 months, life at work start to be more easy, i start to understand the topic more, i start to be able to go in my working life without panic, but my personal life seens not to improve, i see Anna, yes, but as much as i would hope, we are doing anything together, not walking, not going for a film, nothing, i dream with the day i see her again, i get anxious like a15 old kid, i get nervous, and when i see i should to kiss and say how beautiful she is!!! but i dont say nothing, i dont want to lose the chance to see her, i have to much love for her!!!i keep hoping for that day, but that day is never coming...
i went to the church yesterday to light a candle for her, she is going in try to have a new chance in the professional life, i went to ask for her, and i was true, my first wish is her happiness, even if she is not happy with me, will i be happy if she gets a boyfriend?? a new relantionship??? no, i am honest, i will suffer, but i will understand, i will know she will be happy, i will be like shit, and i think i will walk away...but i care about her being happy, if i see her laugh, if i see her happy, this will give me peace!!
I was in the gym yesterday, i am getting in a great shape, i am trying to be in the best shape ever, to be in the best of me, it the only thing i can do, i can try to improve my life as much as possible, and i was gym, i see people, i see guys with ring in the finger hitting on girls, i hear their talks in while you change clothes, this people dont have love, they think, hey, i am man, i can do what ever i want, there is no respect, no love, yesterday 3 guys where talking, and saying, hey, i am married, but i have need, i need a new affair and all the others where laughing and saying...yes...all married, they look at me and say, hey..we are man, we should f--K any girl we can...i answer, no, i look him in the eyes and say, i see you dont know what true love is...there was a silence...i move to have my shower, and i could hear, that guy is stupid!!! and they all laugh...i guess they will never will know what is true love...
i know, i have it, and its not easy dont have the women you love so much by you, i clean my apartment, its a zen a thing, no work is to small to be done, in kendo, part of the exercise is cleaning the dojo, and i was thinking, how much i was wrong when i was with Anna, i dont show my true commitment, if you are together we should be together for everything, sharing the good and bad, sharing the bills, rent, tv, food, you should be a team, there should be this is my, this is yours, no, there should be i and you, there should be only us!!!! this is our bill, this is our task, this is our life!!! together, side by side!!! for everything!!!
this is love, this is the right way to life..
one of thing i regret is not having the chance to show Anna, how much i am different, how much we would be perfect, have i hope??? yes...no...yes...no....i not easy to answer, but i am not a person to quit, i will never quit, i can walk away, i can disappear from her life, but i will never quit!!!
maybe one day i can be happy with the women i love!!! Anna!!!
Tuesday 13 March 2012
Sun
Sun, light, we all think about happy days with this beautiful sunny days, for me sun is different, is the light that guides me, the light the show me the way to happiness...
life is not a ride in the park, life is a swim in the waves, you have moments of peace, of panic, of fear, of joy, but this is what makes life so special, so marvellous, when we just wait at the shore, we simply let life pass by us..
i love Anna, i Love her, i always did, i love her from the distance, i love from her arms, i love in a mad way, full of pre conceived ideas, full of certainties, not right, not clever, but i love her, i lost her love, i lost her light, i try to say to me, i dont love her, i can be just a friend, i gave it my best shot, i try to delete her from my heart, i couldnt, i fail, i love her, i love her truly and madly!!!!
i see her, i talk to her, and its like my life is magic, like everything is perfect, i am happy, i am full of joy, and do i have a reason to be happy??? to have any hope??? if i thing in my heart i say, of course!!! if i think with my head, maybe i am on the road to suffering....
so what??? i have one thing that i was always correct, i have to be honest with me, with what i feel, i feel love, love is a bloody mad feeling...we love even if the other person dont care about you, and yet you feel love, you still know that you have no chances, but you still love, you still hope, even after there is no hope...why??? why are we like this???? what is this force that takes control of our lifes???
i love, there is not a day, a moment i dont think about Anna, if i am in beautiful place i wish she could be here with me, to share a moment, to have a moment of our lifes together, a moment to remember, to tell our grandkids...i feel all this even when i dont have her in my life...i am sure i am not alone in this, there must be thousands of people there who feel just the same....
we all lose, we all lose, we all feel broken, what we do with this feeling is the difference, i use this feeling in me to be a sun to others, to try to bring light in others peoples lifes, to help them fighting for love, for becoming better persons, to go after their dreams, i use love to make myself a better person, to be more kind, to more correct, not pass judgement, to improve myself, to see the good things in life, to live life to the full!!!! love is magic gift you should treasure, how many of us can trully say, i have love in my life!!! its very different to say, i have a girlfriend, or boyfriend, i am married, no....i mean love, that feeling that makes you do wonder things, that makes you think about the others, not about you, not life in a selfish way, that feeling that opens your heart to joy and pain...its about learn to life with the best life have in you, to be the best person you can be, this is what this feel makes me, i am blessed with this feeling!!!
is life easier without love? maybe, maybe in a way its better to stay seated in the shore them go for a swim in the waves, but is more rewarding?
there is a difference, a huge difference between love, between have love and be loved, you can be loved and not love back, the magic, the most special moment in your life is when you love and you are loved also back, this is the moment your life is divine! what are the chances that you find that magic person and this person have in you her magic person???? people say...a lot, just look at the number of people who married, who have girlfriends....its not the same, we life society were joy and entertainment, sex, lust, is the key thing, not true love, people dont wait, that dont make an effort, i hear recently, i loved her, but she was too hard to get, so went to get another one...hard to get?? get another one?? what are we talking??' something in the supermarket? a thing???? i never understand this, if its love, you wait, you make an effort, you never give up, never, this is the value of love, this is what love makes me feel, that i have a reason to life, to fight, to be a better person!!! it bring the light in my heart!!!
i love, i love with all my heart, i have sun in my eyes, i am full of light in my heart, this feeling will be here with me, for ever, i hope that one day life will reward me, with the chance that i can love and be loved!!!!!!!
I may never be loved again by Anna, i may one day totally lose hope of her loving me, but this will not stop my love for her, its a strange thing, her love will be with me for ever!!! you can be inside your house, close all your curtains, but the sun will still be shinny outside!!!!
life is not a ride in the park, life is a swim in the waves, you have moments of peace, of panic, of fear, of joy, but this is what makes life so special, so marvellous, when we just wait at the shore, we simply let life pass by us..
i love Anna, i Love her, i always did, i love her from the distance, i love from her arms, i love in a mad way, full of pre conceived ideas, full of certainties, not right, not clever, but i love her, i lost her love, i lost her light, i try to say to me, i dont love her, i can be just a friend, i gave it my best shot, i try to delete her from my heart, i couldnt, i fail, i love her, i love her truly and madly!!!!
i see her, i talk to her, and its like my life is magic, like everything is perfect, i am happy, i am full of joy, and do i have a reason to be happy??? to have any hope??? if i thing in my heart i say, of course!!! if i think with my head, maybe i am on the road to suffering....
so what??? i have one thing that i was always correct, i have to be honest with me, with what i feel, i feel love, love is a bloody mad feeling...we love even if the other person dont care about you, and yet you feel love, you still know that you have no chances, but you still love, you still hope, even after there is no hope...why??? why are we like this???? what is this force that takes control of our lifes???
i love, there is not a day, a moment i dont think about Anna, if i am in beautiful place i wish she could be here with me, to share a moment, to have a moment of our lifes together, a moment to remember, to tell our grandkids...i feel all this even when i dont have her in my life...i am sure i am not alone in this, there must be thousands of people there who feel just the same....
we all lose, we all lose, we all feel broken, what we do with this feeling is the difference, i use this feeling in me to be a sun to others, to try to bring light in others peoples lifes, to help them fighting for love, for becoming better persons, to go after their dreams, i use love to make myself a better person, to be more kind, to more correct, not pass judgement, to improve myself, to see the good things in life, to live life to the full!!!! love is magic gift you should treasure, how many of us can trully say, i have love in my life!!! its very different to say, i have a girlfriend, or boyfriend, i am married, no....i mean love, that feeling that makes you do wonder things, that makes you think about the others, not about you, not life in a selfish way, that feeling that opens your heart to joy and pain...its about learn to life with the best life have in you, to be the best person you can be, this is what this feel makes me, i am blessed with this feeling!!!
is life easier without love? maybe, maybe in a way its better to stay seated in the shore them go for a swim in the waves, but is more rewarding?
there is a difference, a huge difference between love, between have love and be loved, you can be loved and not love back, the magic, the most special moment in your life is when you love and you are loved also back, this is the moment your life is divine! what are the chances that you find that magic person and this person have in you her magic person???? people say...a lot, just look at the number of people who married, who have girlfriends....its not the same, we life society were joy and entertainment, sex, lust, is the key thing, not true love, people dont wait, that dont make an effort, i hear recently, i loved her, but she was too hard to get, so went to get another one...hard to get?? get another one?? what are we talking??' something in the supermarket? a thing???? i never understand this, if its love, you wait, you make an effort, you never give up, never, this is the value of love, this is what love makes me feel, that i have a reason to life, to fight, to be a better person!!! it bring the light in my heart!!!
i love, i love with all my heart, i have sun in my eyes, i am full of light in my heart, this feeling will be here with me, for ever, i hope that one day life will reward me, with the chance that i can love and be loved!!!!!!!
I may never be loved again by Anna, i may one day totally lose hope of her loving me, but this will not stop my love for her, its a strange thing, her love will be with me for ever!!! you can be inside your house, close all your curtains, but the sun will still be shinny outside!!!!
Sunday 4 March 2012
biggest achievement
A few days ago i attend a high level meeting and during the lunch break, while i was eating with a few poeple...every one was telling about their biggest achievements in life, 3 men and 5 women, they keep saying, big job, sucess, money, their mark in laws, in documents, building big professional reputations, big house, fame,....not one...not a single one, said, my kids, my wife, my husband, my love, bring happiness to others, being a force for good....finding love and keep it....not one....all material things...my answer, was simple...and true...my biggest achievement in life was being there and breathing and be able to smile at crap...be happy….be able to laugh....they didnt understood, they all think i was rude...that i was stupid...no...When you get lose the most important thing in life...be able to smile...to breath...to carry on...to find joy in a bike to work, to laugh alone...to have sleep well...to look in the mirror in the morning and smile...what could be bigger? yes...my biggest achievement in life is being here...alive...trying to be happy...i try every day to be happy...to help others...to try to help other achieve what i could not...love...a life with some they love...my biggest achievement is continue to life...is continue to move forward even when know that i am on the road to lose the only thing i dream off....Anna....every day i have less hope that Anna will return to my life...
i am not going to kill myself...i am not going to start a spiral of danger addiction, i am not going to speed in my car..i am not going to jump in the sea in the monster conditions, just to try....maybe i will take bigger risks...my sport involves the ocean....maybe i would go out in days i shouldnt,..maybe i will take an extra risk here and there..maybe i will consider stupid...mad..but i am not afraid...i lost the fear...i have no fear in my heart...i am free from fear, any fear....all fears...i fear nothing, work...people...fighting...dying...i am free....its a strange feeling, i am free from fear,i am not trying find death in a indirect way, no, i will carry on living...i enjoy life...if you see me from the outside...i will look the same...i can laugh...i can smile...be happy...but i but inside, i am not the same...my love is over...i maybe will find someone i can respect, enjoy her company...be a true partner...make her happy....but i cannot give her what i would have gave Anna, i cannot give her my soul...i cannot give my pure love...i cannot say...you are my ONE....becasue thoses things are no longer mine to give...
what now???? how i deal with every day??? like every one...like so many other people, i will carry on...living...smiling...trying to enjoy what live gives me...doing exercise...trying to be happy, laughing, enjoy the sun, the rain, the little things life gives you, being there for my family, being a good friend...keep helping any one i can, i am no bitter...i not defected...i am still here...i am still fighting...i mabe maybe be bleeding...i maybe broken...i am heart broken...but i am not defected!!! i am still standing!! i am still here!!!
i will keep pushing, i will be here...i will never stop, i will not start drinking..i am not taking drugs' am not going to stop to exercise...in fact is the opposite....i will exercise more...be better...this is my biggest achievement, is to be here, is to continue to live, is continue to believe in a better tomorrow...that i will happy, that i will be one day fully happy...that love will one touch me...
cars? money? fame? reputations? awards? that is nothing, that is not important for me, i dont care about this things, i care about being good to others, helping, try to touch others people lives, try to help reaching their happiness...i am trying to mend my connection with my brother...we were never very close...very different life styles...i am now trying to help him, try to build a bound, trying to bring us together again, be a true family...i am reaching for people i dont know, i help in animal shelter...i try to be better for my family, i try to be more considering to others...life is made of small things...when you give your seat to some one older...when you open a door...when help...you are not saying to the other..you cannot do it....you are not bring them down...you are showing that you care..that you value them...there is nothing more...its just a sign you care..i carry a bag for an old lady from the supermarket..in the end she wants to give same money...i laugh and said, you already paid me!!!! she smile....i think she understood...the best payment is the reward of helping...
i fought yesterday to protect a gay couple...i went to cinema...i left my car far because i couldnt get a place near the cinema...on the way to the car i saw this 3 guys shouting and pushing a gay couple...there was people passing by..no one look...no one did nothing...i saw several people pass by and pretend there was nothing happening, its not their problem, i couldnt pass and pretend its ok...there are things i cannot see and pretend they are not happening...every one is the same...you should respect every one the same way...you are what values you stand for...not what is your sexual orientation....i fought...for people i dont know...for a cause i didnt understood...i fight for what is right...i have a huge bruise in leg from a kick...my knee is bad...i all screeched from falling...i have two cuts on my eye brow...i stilll have big cut on lip, i another bruise in chest... why do i go and do this??? because it was the right thing to do...i am ready to pay the price..i am ready to pay the ultimate price..i am not ready be like others...like all the people who just watch...and didnt do nothing...i couldnt see 3 guys attacking this gay sinky couple...for no reason...maybe just because they were gay....i told a lot gay jokes...Anna knows this from my past...i would make fun of gays...i am not the same...today was the ultimate prove...i fight a fight which not mine...i did get hurt, i bleed, i was put down...but i stand up...i still have pain today...but i didnt gave up...in the end i was there....my face cover in blood...two guys in the floor...the 3 one run away, i hurt them bad...i am not proud of that...its not like the films...i was in pain....it hurts...but there was no feeling...no fear...no joy...nothing...in the end was just me looking at them...laying there in the street...the gay couple told me...god bless you....which something i didnt expect to hear....told them...i am not bless by god....i think god forgot me a long time ago.. they were suprised by this answer, but this is real, dont feel blessed, but this doesnt stop from doing the right thing...this is how i life my life from now....i am no saint...i am not free from sin...i am not in a mission...i am not great person in here...i am just a guy, who see his love move away every day, that see his biggest dream closing down every day...its very hard to life with no hope...but i will try every day...i will try to bring to others what i dont have..hope...joy...happiness, to be the best person for others...that is my biggest achievement....and be alive...to be able to smile....to try to be happy!!!
i am not going to kill myself...i am not going to start a spiral of danger addiction, i am not going to speed in my car..i am not going to jump in the sea in the monster conditions, just to try....maybe i will take bigger risks...my sport involves the ocean....maybe i would go out in days i shouldnt,..maybe i will take an extra risk here and there..maybe i will consider stupid...mad..but i am not afraid...i lost the fear...i have no fear in my heart...i am free from fear, any fear....all fears...i fear nothing, work...people...fighting...dying...i am free....its a strange feeling, i am free from fear,i am not trying find death in a indirect way, no, i will carry on living...i enjoy life...if you see me from the outside...i will look the same...i can laugh...i can smile...be happy...but i but inside, i am not the same...my love is over...i maybe will find someone i can respect, enjoy her company...be a true partner...make her happy....but i cannot give her what i would have gave Anna, i cannot give her my soul...i cannot give my pure love...i cannot say...you are my ONE....becasue thoses things are no longer mine to give...
what now???? how i deal with every day??? like every one...like so many other people, i will carry on...living...smiling...trying to enjoy what live gives me...doing exercise...trying to be happy, laughing, enjoy the sun, the rain, the little things life gives you, being there for my family, being a good friend...keep helping any one i can, i am no bitter...i not defected...i am still here...i am still fighting...i mabe maybe be bleeding...i maybe broken...i am heart broken...but i am not defected!!! i am still standing!! i am still here!!!
i will keep pushing, i will be here...i will never stop, i will not start drinking..i am not taking drugs' am not going to stop to exercise...in fact is the opposite....i will exercise more...be better...this is my biggest achievement, is to be here, is to continue to live, is continue to believe in a better tomorrow...that i will happy, that i will be one day fully happy...that love will one touch me...
cars? money? fame? reputations? awards? that is nothing, that is not important for me, i dont care about this things, i care about being good to others, helping, try to touch others people lives, try to help reaching their happiness...i am trying to mend my connection with my brother...we were never very close...very different life styles...i am now trying to help him, try to build a bound, trying to bring us together again, be a true family...i am reaching for people i dont know, i help in animal shelter...i try to be better for my family, i try to be more considering to others...life is made of small things...when you give your seat to some one older...when you open a door...when help...you are not saying to the other..you cannot do it....you are not bring them down...you are showing that you care..that you value them...there is nothing more...its just a sign you care..i carry a bag for an old lady from the supermarket..in the end she wants to give same money...i laugh and said, you already paid me!!!! she smile....i think she understood...the best payment is the reward of helping...
i fought yesterday to protect a gay couple...i went to cinema...i left my car far because i couldnt get a place near the cinema...on the way to the car i saw this 3 guys shouting and pushing a gay couple...there was people passing by..no one look...no one did nothing...i saw several people pass by and pretend there was nothing happening, its not their problem, i couldnt pass and pretend its ok...there are things i cannot see and pretend they are not happening...every one is the same...you should respect every one the same way...you are what values you stand for...not what is your sexual orientation....i fought...for people i dont know...for a cause i didnt understood...i fight for what is right...i have a huge bruise in leg from a kick...my knee is bad...i all screeched from falling...i have two cuts on my eye brow...i stilll have big cut on lip, i another bruise in chest... why do i go and do this??? because it was the right thing to do...i am ready to pay the price..i am ready to pay the ultimate price..i am not ready be like others...like all the people who just watch...and didnt do nothing...i couldnt see 3 guys attacking this gay sinky couple...for no reason...maybe just because they were gay....i told a lot gay jokes...Anna knows this from my past...i would make fun of gays...i am not the same...today was the ultimate prove...i fight a fight which not mine...i did get hurt, i bleed, i was put down...but i stand up...i still have pain today...but i didnt gave up...in the end i was there....my face cover in blood...two guys in the floor...the 3 one run away, i hurt them bad...i am not proud of that...its not like the films...i was in pain....it hurts...but there was no feeling...no fear...no joy...nothing...in the end was just me looking at them...laying there in the street...the gay couple told me...god bless you....which something i didnt expect to hear....told them...i am not bless by god....i think god forgot me a long time ago.. they were suprised by this answer, but this is real, dont feel blessed, but this doesnt stop from doing the right thing...this is how i life my life from now....i am no saint...i am not free from sin...i am not in a mission...i am not great person in here...i am just a guy, who see his love move away every day, that see his biggest dream closing down every day...its very hard to life with no hope...but i will try every day...i will try to bring to others what i dont have..hope...joy...happiness, to be the best person for others...that is my biggest achievement....and be alive...to be able to smile....to try to be happy!!!
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