Happy!!!

Happy! Is not what we want to be? And how many of us can say, I am happy!!! Why are we not happy?? We don’t have enough money? We are not famous? We have not what we want? Don’t have the right car? The right job? Don’t have the perfect women? Don’t have the love you want??? The list can go on…

But  how any of us ask, what do I have now? do we appreciate the beauty of an empty beach? do we listen to the waves crashing in the sand? Do we enjoy the cold breeze in our face? Do we just enjoy a nice hot tea after a walk in the rain? These are little things, but this are little wonders that each day can give you!! We need to learn to stop thinking…I don’t have…to I am here…this is beautiful, and enjoy it, be happy, be free, be one with yourself, this may sound this self-help book stories that we see more and more in the libraries, but no, this is me, this how I start to see life…

Last Friday I had a talk with Anna, she said she couldn’t see me this weekend, I was a bit annoyed, but on the way home, I start to think, I will see her next week, I talk with her today, my life is going well, why should I be annoyed?? I have a weekend in front of me, instead of being blue, no, let me fill the weekend doing things I enjoy, let me be happy, I need to be happy with me, I need to enjoy myself, and you know one thing? I did!!
It was a great weekend, I smile, I enjoy, dance to radio, I am the worse dancer in the planet, if you think you dance bad, hey, doesn’t matter how bad you are, you are better them me,

I went to the gym, to cinema, to dinner outside, to church, took my car drove 145 kms to the most amazing beach….stay there, looking the see, listen to waves, alone, its cold now in Europe, it was about 0c, I there I was, and I was smiling, I had this great feeling in my heart, I will be back!!! This is about being happy, its do things enjoy, appreciate what you have, be a pleasant person, be happy person, and be a positive force, for you, for others!!

I am good, its first time in a long time I feel really good, and I am alone, its just me, I didn’t get like this because the magic of Anna, it was just me, and I happy for being happy!!! Strange concept, being happy for being happy!!! But its true, it took me a long to understand, it takes time, but we need to learn to be happy, to be best person you can be, always!!

This doesn’t mean you stop loving some one, that you think that you are better alone, no, this simply say, I can be happy with me, I can enjoy all the little wonders life will show me every day, that I can smile, that I can laugh, that I be run in the beach like I was 6 years, just for fun, just because it was in my mind, like when I was 6, there was no one there, no one to watch, no one to impress, I did this for me, not for others, its just for me one enjoyment, just for fun, and I can tell…your face turns red, your heart starts to race, and you just smile, when I reach my car there was this old couple, I was smiling…they look at me and smile…I like to think it was my good spirit that made them smile…if you are happy, you make others happy!!!!

A good weekend for me, first month is here, is pass, and I am turning my life around, every day, a bit better!!!
I am now ready to be a happy force in some one life, to make some one start a path of happiness and joy, a life where laughter, love, joy, adventure, passion, respect and sharing will be there!!!
I will see Anna this week, I had a great weekend, I am happy, life is GOOD!!!!!!

why a second chance!!!

why you should give a second chance to some one??? why should you consider a new give a new chance?? i don't just speak about my case, i use the words of a  famous doctor, he wrote a book about the fact that couples that decide to give themselves a second chance are more happy after coming back together!! why???

He said that if the thing that lead to the separation is solved, you become more close, you become better as a couple...i don't say this to try to make a case for me...no...i keep asking myself...why should i deserve a second chance, a true second chance...why??? why?? i am so different them all the people out there???

if you have a bad relationship with some one, that cheats, that doesnt treat you well, that keeps on promising and never do, and you break with hate...them maybe its hard to consider a second chance...

I am a new person know, i grow, i evolve, i learn, the person who Anna loved is here, the person which raise all the troubles is gone...he disappear, he was conquered by the life experience i endure, i learn what is to live with Anna love and without Anna love, and i think if i was close to death, the experience would not been so intense...so now i am new person...i am sure, if Anna meet me now for the first time, she would be going home smiling and thinking when i will see him next??? i know Anna, i learn about the values of life, i learn about the beauty of love, i learn the dark negative side of life, i tasty the bitter side of life, and i didnt let it get to me..it make me suffer..it made me going through pain, pain that i would not recommend even to the person i hate more in this world...and i survive...it made me question life...but it didnt make me bitter, it didnt make me afraid, it didnt turn me in a negative, in fact it made me realize that we can be happy, that we deserve to be happy...that we can make some one very happy, i now am the most perfect person for Anna, and yet..every day i feel more and more far away from this....


so if you are like me...or like Anna, why dont you give your former love a chance?...give him a chance....see did he is like he says he is...is she like you love??? what have you to lose? are you afraid that the past didnt chance? this is very easy to see...but you can have the best experience of your life...you can start the must beautifull journey of your life, are we a great couple or just being bad????  the best is take a weekend...go the two of you...go same where..a place new, not a place with memories, good or bad, a blank sheet of paper...stay in different hotels rooms...just see how it feels...see how happy you are...see in the end of the weekend...if you look back and smile...and if you had a good time!! if you do try...maybe that person is the key for your happiness!!!! if you have a bad time...you can close your eye in the end of your life without think...why i let the best thing of my life move away?????


If you lose someone..and realize what you lost, you learn treat this love..this person with so much care, with more dedication, with much more care, because you know the true value of it, you can measure what you lost, you stop taking things for granted, you stop thinking that you are having this love because you deserve it...you learn how fragile love is, you learn how important this person is for you, and you will dedicating the rest of your life making sure that you have a happy life with this person for ever!!!!

If i had a second chance, Anna would be so suprised...she would be amazed how much i improve..i said dont just take my word, i maybe be bias, take the word of my mother, of my father, of my brother, of my friends, that all say, how much i have chance in this last two years..and  all because of her love...she made me a better person...she can be proud of me...i would be a man that Anna can be proud, who will be there, you will be strong to support all the problems, that will never leave her...that will not play games...would love her, every day, that will be there as partner, a lover, a friend, that would be there for ever!!! we are from different countries...but my country...my home...my place in this world, is not the land that saw me born...its not the letter on my passport....is not th country i serve, my country..my land...my home..is Anna...the place i was born without Anna is just a piece of land...its beautifull, its great..but its not magic...its not wonderfull, for this i would need love, if you have love, any place is perfect...i life and work across the world...europe...asia...america...my place in the world is the place i have love...the place where Anna would be...i would be happy there!!!

 people say...when you get old you get home sick...you want to return to your place of birth...i died when Anna left me...if i we go back i will be reborn...my country is Anna, so i would never leave...can i promise all this??? can i truly promise all this??? i am not a kid of 18...i am man...i am true man!!! i have one word..i saw the two sides of life...and if you have doubts read this blog...from the start...no just one post...read it all...read..and see my journey...learn...and please learn from me...dont do the same mistakes as me...give yourself a chance of being happy!!! fight for your love...do it all, fight, fight to end, so you can live with no regrets...this is what i do...i live...so i dont regret nothing!!!!

I am walking this life alone now...i am trying to find happiness...maybe it be here soon...i hope so!!! i am going by a lot...but i am at peace with me...i can look myself in the mirror and say...i am living my way, i regret nothing, i live the the right way, the honest way, correct way, the true way!!! no games, no cheating...no lies...i am at peace with me!!!

Just a day

Its getting close to month i move here, to this place, a new job, a new apartment, new gym,  and getting close to Anna, a new life!!!!

Things are happening yes, not like I dream, but I have to be realistic, my job is super tough, and I not yet to the level where I can expect to take every day in easy way, its been not easy, its like trying to swim in monster waves, you don’t even worry about the technique you simply try not to drown, but I don’t mind, I am here!!! I see Anna, its true not as much as want, but I need to give her space, time…I gave her my word, I would not have no plans, I don’t, I don’t try anything, I try to be the perfect friend, in my “book” I would pick up friend from the airport, I did that a lot to guys who are my friends or girls, I provide them with a support system, if they need something they knew that they can call me….come to house…I am good friend, its who I am, I will always be there for the ones I care…

And for Anna I would ever and ever be there, I don’t try to seduce, what I feel is what I feel, and I if feel that I am being bad to her, I will disappear from her life, her happiness means everything to me, that is the ultimate prove of love, go away so your love can be happy!!! I would do that!!! Anna is everything to me, I cannot fail as friend and as a person you love her!

Is there a contradiction in here? Friend? Love? Yes,no??? I don’t know…I don’t truly know…I know what I feel…I know that see her makes me smile…feel happy…but also I can survive without her, I can resist the pain, I can life my life…I can smile…I saw my self on Friday making jokes, like I didn’t do for a long time in the office, I am happy person again!!!! I would be much more happy with Anna : )

The first smile I put in here…I must mean something!!!!!!

I running in fine line, Anna once told me she will never see again because we couldn’t be friends, because I have feelings for her…that moment is stuck in my mind for ever, I will do everything not to lose her, she is the only person in this planet that knows everything about me, she as been the more positive influence in me ever, if I am better person today its because of her, she put me in the right path, she help me grown, she help me in turning a smart ass guy, who act very differently from the age on his ID card, he turn a guy who always put himself in the first place, to a person who is patient, caring, generous, grown up, she open in me all the best in me, how can I lose this person??? I cannot!!!! I simple cannot!!!!

Anna is away in business trip, and I went to the gym, as I was going to workout I saw her child…I look…I smile…I remember this little baby…so grown up,…happy..I wonder who is she in here, her grandmother? She was with a man, I think its her father, he hated me, he use my love child to make our life bad, he run a campaign against me, I didn’t like him, now…I understand…I almost went and say,I do understand, I can feel what you felt….

But there is a huge difference, he was blessed with a child, my love child, and he have now found a partner and have another child….he is so much better them me…he didn’t understand then, maybe he does know, we say hi, and there was no hate in his eyes, just a smile…knows..he has everything, he has love, two kids, I have the memories…
I have hope, hope in the future, every day that pass by I start to see the reality going, I maybe will never have this weekend morning moments where she would sleep with her head in my chest, I will never caresses her hair while we watch tv, I will never hold her hand again…and I will never will lose hope…but what should I do? Give up?? i dont know...maybe i should focus in me...and my life...
there is a song from human league, where the lyrics say...there are wounds you dont want to close...I will never be free from the Anna love, this is not a stalker talks...or a depressive approach...not, its a fact...some people stay in your heart forever, Anna is my true love, we only have one true love...in the moment I will die, my last thought will be for her, I will die with her smile in my mind..

People say that they would sell their souls for money, for love, for fame...I cannot sell my soul, my soul is not mine any more, I gave it to Anna!!! She has my soul, my heart, my love!!! she have my soul in the day of my birthday, many years ago....she gave a super nice gift, something i keep wearing and i will always wear...i gave her my gold neckless...it was a gift from my grandmother...she bought it the day i was born...i was given it when i turn 18, i promise my self...i would give this to the women would be the mother of my kids...i was in my neck through all the relantionships...never come out...and i gave to Anna, my idea was to give to her..she would give it to our child the day he/she would turn 18, a pass of love in our families...she have it today...i dont know if she use it...or its in a box...i never told her this...in that moment i was thinking it was not manly to say this...what stupid men!!!

How Anna and I will finish I don’t know, how I feel for her I know, she will be my ONE for ever! but life goes on...and i am looking at life in the eyes...and i am not blinking..i am moving forward, better, stronger...more human!!!

being happy?

Being happy? Are you happy? What makes us happy??? Money? Power? Fame? Sex? Love? Friends? Success? For every one there is that special thing that makes in happy, I don’t say happy in the large sense, but that special feeling that magic in your heart, the feeling that you sing on way, the feeling that makes you smile while you pedal in your bike after work all wet and cold, that feeling…that magic feeling….you are happy, you feel the world is beautiful, you are the must luck person in the world…

What makes me feel like that? Be with Anna, having a laugh with her, see her, see her smile, and I feel that I will never will have the magic back in my life, and its not easy to accept, today i was in supermarket line to pay in front of me was this amazing beautiful and sexy girl, and she ask me if i could keep her place in the queue while she gets some milk, she return and we talk about how slow the cashiers were...7 years ago, i would feel this was my lucky day, i would ask her number, would try to ask her out, now? no, i was nice, i smile, but i feel nothing, my hear has place only for one, and that place is taken, maybe it will never will be free again...what you feel is what you feel, even if the other person doesnt feel back to you!!! maybe i should have take advantage...but you react in the way you feel, there is a time and place for everything...and i am happy with the way life!!
we are now living in the same city, I was hoping we could see each other, special during the weekend…to have a coffee…just to talk, to see a film, I don’t expect any romantic thing, just the way to friends meet, but this is the second weekend were she avoids me, I don’t say anything, I know for her, I am not an top priority, but I was hoping she think of me as true close friend…I would never do that to any of any girlfriend so my past, I would have make sure that I give them all the support of arriving in a new place, but can ask more? I am being unfair?

Have to much love in my heart, I am letting my secret feelings for her cloud my mind?? I cannot say to her how beautiful she look in her birthday in that blue dress, how amazing her hair looks, how much enjoy see her eyes...and yet I cannot say this, because I am afraid she will never see me again, and I don’t like this feeling of being afraid to say what I feel…i feel a bit lost…I wish so much that things would be back like they were, because I know I can make her happy, I know that she would be safe with me, I could give her everything she dreamed, everything, and yet she doesn’t give me this change, I have the feeling she is afraid of being happy!!!!

When every one is hurt around you, when all you see is pain and suffering you become afraid to love, you become afraid to take risks, you build a wall around you, and you lose any chane of being happy, I am not my father, I am not my friends, I am not Anna father, I am not Anna friends, I am not Anna former lovers, I am me…just that, a guy, a person, some who learn, you grow, you is ready, who can make her the must happy person in the world, or any other person I would love, because I know the importance of love, I don’t want to have lots of loves in my live, I am not in a competition with life to see how I can collect in terms of money, power, money, I am just a person, a man who wants to make the women he loves happy, feelded special, feel secure, feel that she can go to sleep knowing that there will be some one at her side for ever, for every thing, some one who will love her to the day he dies…

I cannot answer for others, I cannot know what others do, I can only answer for me, I can only speak for myself, I can see the darkness around me, but I don’t let this take control of me, I don’t let pain and suffer let me try to risk love, i don’t let the past control my future…I speak, I feel for me….and I know…dont be afraid...life is about taking risks,dont let fear control you, don’t be afraid of pain, don’t be afraid of taking chances…LIFE..LOVE!!!!! Never stop believing. You can be happy!!! be trully happy!!

being a father?

The fact i am now sharing a city with Anna, makes me look at lots of things that pass by, and also as the time pass by, i start to wonder if one day I will be a father? I don’t want to be the father for the sake of having kid, its maybe not fair to say this, but I have the feeling that some people have kids in the same why that get a dog, because is in fashion, its what society expect from them…

I see a child as a celebration of love between two persons, not to fill my ego, not to have a “second me” do and achieve what I couldn’t, i would like a child to show to the world my love with another person, to say, I love this person so much we had a child together.

I wonder, will I ever kiss the belly of the women I love, will I ever tell stories to my child while she is still in the belly of my love???

I have so much love to give, I grow up so much this last year, yes, with pain, with lost, but I grow, I am much better person now, i want to kiss, to gentle touch the belly of my love, I want to take photos, I want to make a journal of the first kick, the first time he or she moves, I want to be the best person in this planet for the mother, for my love, I dream with us in a big sofa she lying down, with her head in my lap while I tell her and the baby stories about how much I love her his mother!!!! I want to be there at the time , not film, not to show the world, no to hold the hand of my love, to tell how much I love her, to be there when the child comes, to be present every time they need me, to put them as my priority, not to be tired to be there for them, I say this, I would never ever will leave my love and her child, I will make my life being there for them every day, until I die!!! And this is not empty words, this is promise, a commitment, for ever!!!

This is not an easy post to write, its very personal, it’s about something I think it’s a high point of every person to see a child of love, to see how much you can love some one that you are willing to bring a person to this world, to be there for this child forever…

I am here totally honest, I always think I would prefer a boy as a child, now I don’t feel this is important, this is a huge change, I just would like to have a child, a baby, a love, maybe this feels as shellfish, I don’t know, I just express what I feel…

And I know maybe I could have all of this with Anna, which drives me mad, but I was not ready, I was full of stupid preconceived ideas, about how to raise our child, I would think discipline, tough, rules, I have posts about this, I was so wrong, I was so stupid, I know now that they were wrong, they were so wrong…

You maybe say, you are saying this here to “look good” if you knew as a person you would know I have only one word, if I know talk is easy, but I do what I say, I never promise what I cannot do, its who I am, I a different person now…

I am ready to give a child love, to give her hugs and kisses, to bring the best in her, him, to mature the good points, don’t be a father of “NO”, people who keep saying..dont do this, don’t eat that…seat still, eat your food…I saw that you can get all of that with love, with peace, with simply talking, with simply give attention to your child, so she/he doesn’t need to misbehave to attract your attention…

Will I be a father? Will I love someone to have child?? I love Anna, I can I say this???? I shouldn’t say this, I shouldn’t even try to feel this, but I do, I would love to love Anna and have a child with her, but if this is not possible, I need to move on, I cannot be a person who will be a lost and waiting for ever for the love will never return, for that second change that never happen, I need to look for the future with an open heart…

I just know one thing, I have a heart full of love, I hope god give a change to make some one very very happy person…is this to much to ask???

ikea

IKEA,  this is a common thing across Europe, when you move to another city, another country and you need to put things, to make yourself at home in fast, simple and not expensive way you go to ikea, so I did, it more them i expect, i was not just buying things for a house, it also a journey in the past, a moment to be shocked...

I arrive here about an week ago, I need to set my house, I need get ready for a new chapter in my life, so like thousands of people I went to ikea…and it was one of the most heartbreaking experience I had a long time.

I remember going to ikea with Anna, as we decorate our house in my country, at the time I didn’t even realize how luck I was, we get confused, we forget that sharing building a house with the person you love is one of the best experience of your life, I even complain about going to ikea, I saw almost going to ikea as boring thing, I didn’t even realize that I was going to build a home, a place for me and Anna to be happy.

As I cross the ikea, I see all this young couples, starting their life's, building a home for them, old couples, gay couples, and all are happy, all have sense of purpose, and I am trolling this ikea monster store alone, to build a empty apartment for me…

And when I cross the child session is terrible, i remember all the things i took for my love child, building her first bed when she turn 2, how can i look at the same bed and not feel nothing, I look back at the past, and I just want to kick myself to pulp, how could I let something so special go way???

If you read this, learn one thing, love is not a sure thing, you can love letters, declarations, expression of eternal love, but you need to work for it, you need to realize how special love is, ikea bring all of this to me again, I felt that I lost so much in life that hurts.

Ikea will now will be a symbol for me, a place if I am back with Anna or some one I love in the future, that love is constant process, you need to build on it, you to make sure it last, you need to understand that you cannot be passive in love, you need to love, it strange to have love you need to love the moments you are together, you need to see that every moment you spend with the person you love is a joy, a not a guarantee, but a prize, a precious gem, if we all think like that there would be much more love.

I have now a house this is ready, I will miss little things like internet at home, I still don’t have tv working, but I have a place I can rest when I return from work.

I saw Anna already and her child, its so wonderful to see them, its not easy to control what you feel, i want to be her friend, i cannot ever tell how much i care about her, you the fear that if you open your heart, if you saying the wrong thing, she will never will see me again, she will ban me forever from her life, I need to give time to time…

This first days are a roller coaster, you tend to feel things a bit more them when you are settle and have a good base, my foundations in here are just starting, I know I will be here for sure for the next two years, and possible 2 more, them we see...

there is a church near my house, I pass by it must of the days, i seat there, it’s a place where I can find some peace, where I can ask God to help me, i only ask for one thing, a simple thing, love, is this so much to ask?

I don’t have to understand everything I would just like to see a bit the lay plan for me!!

If you know the ikea process, see a love like that, if you want a nice love, you need to join the pieces, you need to connected them, you need to dedicate time and energy to your goal, and your goal in life should never be your work, your career, money, this is secondary things, your goal in life should be that the person who is with you is happy and loved, this is the most important thing ever!!!!!!!

Don’t lose your time with not important things, spend time in LOVE!!!