its like you can see the future, you can see the way things will happen, you wish, you pray, you ask god for a different thing, but yet life shows that you are right....i never want so much to be wrong in my life....never in my life i want to so wrong like now....but now...i was right....
i starting typing post while i was still my office....this post is now on more them 7 tries, i delete and write it several times, i start in the office...the office keyboard was covered in blood, i had blood on my desk, my hands are full of cuts, the garage wall is full of blood of the punches i gave in the wall....for a few minutes i was totaly lost... i couldnt write..went to garage...its a big empty space....and i punch the wall...why??? to try to be alive...to avoid screaming...to avoid crying....this 5 minutes of my life will stay for me for ever...i hit yesterday rock button....you think you are on the way up, that life is better...and its true, you are better, you are on the way up... until you get a punch in stomach...until you see the full pain of life in your eyes...today i saw the end of life....i will write this post...and i dont know if will carry on...i dont know if i will write any more.....26 of march is a day i will not forget....i dont write good, i cannot even express what i feel...and i am suprised...i am chocked...why still now..why after so much time i still am so emotional about this??? why this still gets to me...why??? i dont understand, its not racional, i should be able not to be mad, not to feel it, and yet, i still do, it still gets to me, why can i not move away from this love??? sometimes i think i am fine..i am so fine, life goes on, i laugh, i am happy, i dont think so much about Anna, i feel i walking the right path...that i am ok...and them...bammmmmmgggggggggggggg!!!!!
today the cuts in my hands are better, but there is still cuts...still some big cuts...what happen....its not even easy to write...my mind, my heart...they are still bleeding...i went for lunch with some colleagues...it was a nice day..it was sunny...i was in a good mood...i return and i have a mail from Anna...my heart start beating fast...and i start reading....Anna tells me she is is expecting a child, and that this child is supposed to be born by june...this means this child is now around six months!!! six month????i cannot even express the pain...it like life decide to take me aside and break my spine....its the suprise...the shock...i was not ready....not even close...i had a blank...my brain is dead...i start thinking..why??? why???????? i cannot express all the things that pass my head...way she is telling me this??? she gives her new address, she lives now less them 200 meters from me...but this i knew already....i already had found out...but expecting a child....she is with this guy from september...and she is expecting already a child??? hope she didnt rush things, that she give herself time...no...in 2003 i was a coward, and i saw Anna getting a child....can you imagine see the women you love getting pregnant?? can you imagine see her every day??? every time you see her, you hurt, you lose all hope?? in 2003 i keep saying...dont thinking about it...but every time you see her...you cannot stop thinking, this you keep thinking...this should have been my child....i would be the one kissing you before going to sleep...can you imagine try to smile?? pretend that you are ok??? pretend to this person, the person you love that you are fine...she didnt understood i was chasing other girls, what else could i do? i pretend, but its was a scam, it was false, every day at home i couldnt sleep...can you life with the idea that the person you love is having a child from another guy??? its pure hell....i kill my calves from running in 2003...but that was my fault...i didnt say nothing...i was a coward...i didnt fight for my love...now its different, i move her for her, she knew about my love for her, she knew i would do anything for her...but she decide to ask me to leave her life...so this time is even harder...this should have been my child...and another big thing...why i keep feeling like this??? not even i can understand...
having a child with Anna was my dream, it was something i dream about, i bought a little book with names for childs in her country, so we could spend a nice evening deciding the name of our child, this was a think i wish so much, it will never will happen, and its one of the sadest things in my life, this is a thing will hunted me for the rest of my life....
I will not be the one kissing her belly, making her smile every day, putting her mind at ease, cooking her favourite food, giving her feet massages, read book for the child in her belly, passing my hand in her hair while she read, i will not be the one saying you are so beautiful, i will not be the one spending time thinking of names, getting the expectation and excitement of find if its a boy or girl...i will not be the one in the moment were this child will be born, i will not be there with her, to give her strength, i will not be a father... i will not be the one waking up at night and say, sleep my love, i will take care of this, i will not be there for them when they are sick...i will not be the one see this child give her first steps...no...it will not be me....it will be some one else....and this makes me mad, makes feel life is totaly unfair...and time can come and go..but my feelings seens never to go away....why i cannot free myself from this love???
maybe she is living a happy life, were i have no place, maybe she is so happy, there is nothing more that i want that her happiness, i have no anger, or resentment, or any bad feelings, for me this is still hard to hear, its still a punch in the stomach, i am still in my heart Anna friend, i would still die for her, she is still the women of my life, no, she may not be in my life, no, she will not think of me, but i keep thinking of her, life is a very strange journey, a path that you must follow is the one were you are honest with yourself, i am dont let others guide me, i dont let others decide my action, i follow what i believe, what i think its my path, is it easy? simple? no, its hard, its painful, but this is my path, and this is my decision..i am honest with myself, it my heart will feel, maybe one day i feel different, maybe one day i will not be like this...but i cannot see the future...i can on see what i feel....
i know Anna is worried...i know that she is not having a easy pregnancy, Anna is suffering a lots of health problens, she having a child is not easy, i know for moments she she was scared...and i was thinking...if in the universe sort of need of "balance"...if there is to have a balance, if this child was not suppose to be born, them i can offer a different soluction, i went to church, it almost easter, and i made a deal with God, if there is life that needs to be taken, them He can take mine... the church was totaly empty, it just me, and i hope God, i seat, i was there for an hour, totaly alone, me and God, and i told God, if there is a need to take a life, take mine...i made this promise....yes..its done, one lfe for one life...even today...for a child from another guy...from a person who doesnt care about me...i would trade my life for this unborn child...why??? i dont expect people to understand, i dont expect my friends to understand, that my family would understand, but i understand, i live with i think its what i should do, not what other people think, i have to be honest with myself...with what i thing its right...with what i believe....i would trade my life for this child, this is how i much i care for Anna....there is no grey areas where...how much i care for her?....too much...i dont have any issues with self esteem, no, i do have self respect...i just think today people invented this to issues be able to be selfish, to think only about them...and not feel bad about themselfs...i hear so many times...i have my pride...i have respect for me?!!! do you????? or this is just an excuse to take the easy way out, to not fight, or you are just a bloody coward that is afraid to love, to forgive, to learn, to give a second chance, to see what is trully important, to to know the what is real love...i think this is something that people lost in our modern society, what is true love...and how much true love is important..
how i stand now??? Anna is now starting a new family, a new life, did i need to know? i was better not knowing? i dont know...i only know that now i am back to a bad feel...i am back walking in hell...i just know what i felt when i was reading the mail.....i know the feeling...of being ripped apart... but there is nothing i can do...i hit lowest point, so now i can only improve, this is the only thing i can say...there is nothing more to hit me...i already lost everything, so now there is nothing more to lose...so now its time to move up....i hope that she will be happy, that life will smile to her every day, there is nothing more pure in this planet, that my hope that everything good will come to Anna...
i could have not replied to the mail, i could say go to hell, i could have done a lot of things, but once more, it would not be honest with me...i will reply to mail, i will be honest, i was always honest with Anna and i am not going to stop now...i will reply...but now everything is still to fresh to close...i need time to think....yesterday i run in the cold night for 3 hours...today i run another 4 hours..i limped home...i am so tired that my legs are shacking...my body is shaking...i feel sick...i vomit already 3 times..have nothing left in the tank...i gave everything..but i am more at peace now...i am more relaxed, i dont know if pain and exhaustion of the exercise...but i am more at peace...maybe one day i can look back at this stage of my life and dont feel the pain...now its not possible....
what i do now? move house, change jobs??? no...i will not do that, i will stay here, i will continue to work here until the end of the year...them i see...i can sign another 2 year contract...or leave...i dont know...there is a strange tranquility settling in, its the fact i lost everything, now i am at some how peace...
One of my friends told recently that life always rewards the good people, the good actions...i live believing in that...its easter now...i have the feeling that i am also nailed to cross..i have the feeling doesnt matter how good i am, what i do for others, life will not help me...but i will not stop helping i will not stop being good...this is all i have got now...no...there is no happy end for me....if this was a film...there would be miracle...i would be with Anna for the rest of my life..even with that child...wouldnt make any difference for me...but that is the films...in reality, Anna will have a new child...she will see this child grow with another man...will grow older without me...i will not see her when i return home...now i have to continue my walk, without looking back....i will keep my journey away from the thing i want more, i will keep walking towards the indiference...toward obliviance....
Now its like i reach the top of my pain, its like i reach the summit, now i have look pain in the eyes, and its like pain has no more cards, pain played all its cards, but i am still here, i am still standing, i am not defected, i am not broken, now its my turn, now its my turn to start playing my cards, now i am start my path away from pain, i will keep walking away...i will every day walk on my path, i will walk every day another step away from Anna...this is the only thing to do, maybe my heart will turn cold....i maybe will be what i was before...a sort of cyborg...a person with no feeling...i hope i dont turn into a bad person, in a person who doesnt believe in love any more, in a cold cynical person, i will keep walking, i will keep being honest, no...there is no happy end for me....but there is not stop to this fighting....pain, misery, you lost!!! you played all your cards...you kicked, you punch, you covered me with tears, with blood, and i am still standing!!!i am still alive, i am still good, i am still here...no..no...i will never quit, i will never will be defect....push down i was, but i rise, and i am not broken!!!!! life goes on!!!! the fight is not over, the fight goes on!!! i will see the sun!!!!
Thursday 28 March 2013
listen....
do you listen? do you really listen to what the person who you should care more them anything in the world say?? 99.9% will say...of course i listen....do you??? do you really???
i did say the same, i trully think i was listen, until i realise, i didnt really listen....i didnt understand what was the message behind the words, i can say, hey i am a man, i dont understand, i expect things to be clear....but you are dealing with??? with your friends, with the guys from the gym? nooooo, you are listen to the person who is everything to you, you should pay attention....you should listen....
Anna said a few times...i dont expect any proposal from you...we were together for about 4 months...i didnt listen, i was thinking....she is saying i should move not fast....in fact was the opposite...that i should start thinking if i was ready to get married....didnt i listen when she said i would like to have a baby...i was thinking...its not the right time...she just move in a new job...new country...we had a new place....let wait...how much different would have been my life??? how much better would have been my life??? even today i get feeling of lost of desperation that i cannot express...i didnt listen...i didnt pay attention,...and i was afraid...how stupid can you be??? i can say now i would have done things so different...but now its to late...now its not possible....
do you listen, trully listen, to the little things??? do you pay attention to the women you love?? i am tired...i had a bad day at the office...you say..i do..i say...what happen...seat here...but there is another part...you are tired my love? let me cook a nice dinner...while you get a relaxing bath...let me get you tea...bad day at the office...let go out the next weekend, let have nice weekend outside the city to relax to be recharge your batteries...this is listen, this is being there for the women you love...this is what is being a partner....its not just being at home, is making your other half feel loved, feel secured, feel appreciated....no...i didnt do all of this...and my love was honest...i was not the perfect the man for Anna, i learn with losing, i hope that most people dont have to lose to improve...that is way i keep this blog alive, to show to people not every one is a asshole...that are people like me, who lost, you improve, who change, who can bring all the love in their hearts for you....
listen to words, but listen more them the words, listen to message, listen to what is in the heart of your loved one, of the person you care more them everything...and yes you can listen and still do nothing, you can still think about you first, you can still have your own agenda first...but them you dont trully love this person, you still dont understand the meaning of true love, i have the impression most people in this planet will never know the meaning of true love, what means to have a true and absolute love, you need to walk in hell to see what heaven looks like, you need to be burn alive to feel the nice touch of love, must of us will never love enough to walk in hell, so at the first stages of problems...of pain...they will quit...they will move on...and think that love is cheap...no...love is everything...but you need to love to trully know this...
so please, listen, trully listen, see what it means...and if you are not sure...try to understand...ask a indirect question, try to see what is the real mean of what your love is saying...in my case i should have ask...i dont expect a proposal from you...i should said...my love, i love more them anything in this planet, tell me what is important for you, what you trully want??? yes, this may lead to a marriage proposal...but my heart was right, my love was pure, i would have been ready to marry Anna, why i didnt?? not because i didnt love her...because i was wrong about the priorities of my life...this would not happen again...never...
please...life doesnt give you many chances to be happy...so dont waste your time in people that are not worth while, and give everything to the ones you love....
i did say the same, i trully think i was listen, until i realise, i didnt really listen....i didnt understand what was the message behind the words, i can say, hey i am a man, i dont understand, i expect things to be clear....but you are dealing with??? with your friends, with the guys from the gym? nooooo, you are listen to the person who is everything to you, you should pay attention....you should listen....
Anna said a few times...i dont expect any proposal from you...we were together for about 4 months...i didnt listen, i was thinking....she is saying i should move not fast....in fact was the opposite...that i should start thinking if i was ready to get married....didnt i listen when she said i would like to have a baby...i was thinking...its not the right time...she just move in a new job...new country...we had a new place....let wait...how much different would have been my life??? how much better would have been my life??? even today i get feeling of lost of desperation that i cannot express...i didnt listen...i didnt pay attention,...and i was afraid...how stupid can you be??? i can say now i would have done things so different...but now its to late...now its not possible....
do you listen, trully listen, to the little things??? do you pay attention to the women you love?? i am tired...i had a bad day at the office...you say..i do..i say...what happen...seat here...but there is another part...you are tired my love? let me cook a nice dinner...while you get a relaxing bath...let me get you tea...bad day at the office...let go out the next weekend, let have nice weekend outside the city to relax to be recharge your batteries...this is listen, this is being there for the women you love...this is what is being a partner....its not just being at home, is making your other half feel loved, feel secured, feel appreciated....no...i didnt do all of this...and my love was honest...i was not the perfect the man for Anna, i learn with losing, i hope that most people dont have to lose to improve...that is way i keep this blog alive, to show to people not every one is a asshole...that are people like me, who lost, you improve, who change, who can bring all the love in their hearts for you....
listen to words, but listen more them the words, listen to message, listen to what is in the heart of your loved one, of the person you care more them everything...and yes you can listen and still do nothing, you can still think about you first, you can still have your own agenda first...but them you dont trully love this person, you still dont understand the meaning of true love, i have the impression most people in this planet will never know the meaning of true love, what means to have a true and absolute love, you need to walk in hell to see what heaven looks like, you need to be burn alive to feel the nice touch of love, must of us will never love enough to walk in hell, so at the first stages of problems...of pain...they will quit...they will move on...and think that love is cheap...no...love is everything...but you need to love to trully know this...
so please, listen, trully listen, see what it means...and if you are not sure...try to understand...ask a indirect question, try to see what is the real mean of what your love is saying...in my case i should have ask...i dont expect a proposal from you...i should said...my love, i love more them anything in this planet, tell me what is important for you, what you trully want??? yes, this may lead to a marriage proposal...but my heart was right, my love was pure, i would have been ready to marry Anna, why i didnt?? not because i didnt love her...because i was wrong about the priorities of my life...this would not happen again...never...
please...life doesnt give you many chances to be happy...so dont waste your time in people that are not worth while, and give everything to the ones you love....
Sunday 17 March 2013
Me...
Me, who am i???? what defines me as person? its my job? its the money i have? its the values i have? what I stands for? what i am willing to die for? to kill for??
who am I??? is my name vicent de havilland? no, this name is my blog name, its not my real name, its just a name i use, its a combination of uncle of mine which was a very interesting person and who fascinate my youth with his stories and a company who use to build planes....
I like planes, i build so many little kit planes when i was a kid, about i was fascinate by planes, i study them , made them i draw them, and this name was something i like..de haviland...so the name stick with me...why i dont use my real name??? to protect Anna, so she keeps living her life...so people one day will not go and ask questions, to protect her child....that why i never make specific and real indications...
yes, the little snow man on the photo.. i made it, in one of my travels, i am not the best snow man builder!!! my country doesnt have a lot of snow, almost none....so i dont have a lot of experience...
who is the real me? some of the people who work with me,they think they know me, some of my friends think they know me, they both are right and wrong..they know parts of me, the person who knew better was Anna, but today even her doesnt know me totaly...
people who work with me think i am mad person, loud, funny, mad person, they think i am a womanizer, who is telling stories, maybe i am guilty of giving the wrong impression, sometimes is so much more easy to pretend, because the true you may scare people, may lead to people to think that you are snob,a shadow from the past, crazy, stupid no one believes in true gentlemen, how its possilbe? every one have an agenda...maybe not...when i tell my stories sometimes they will think i am inventing then, but like a friend once told me, just tell the truth and if no one believe you, they will be surprised one day to find out, after all it was real...it was true...like he say blind them with truth, its so strange way people dont believe what you tell them simply because they live different lives, i did things, i saw things that most people whould not do, will not see, i tell them, if they dont believe it i dont mind...sometimes its hard to believe for a lot of people that you may have a live a life that is not common...that some things happen...in the end yes i did and lived and see things that most people never even imagine...and i dont regret nothing i did...
i am person who trains martial arts, who trains self defense, for years, i lived in asia for 9 years, i learn martial arts in there, not a sport, no, martial arts, its very different, i train self defense, i did fight a few times in my life, as a last resort, not to attack, never, just to defend, just when its the last option, i am not a bully, i am not arrogant, i am not looking for fight..i always tell...fight is always the last option...walk away...but i will fight for what i believe, that is better to die for what you believe them them go home and life with the fact that you let something that shouldnt happen, happen....maybe my colleagues know about this...they create one dimension side of me, maybe i also help to create this picture...others who know only from offical work, from seminars and meetings....see the guy who does great presentations, who can talk in public, professional, soft spoken, this people, who know me from meetings and dont know me, think they know me...that i am quiet and soft spoken person....my friends, know my dedication to my sport, the sport i do since i am 13, that took me to nice places across the planet, that made me reach and meet so many people...that is challenging, that is some times dangerous, that involves the sea, they know that i dont go out a lot, that i not a big spender of cash, that i was a good student, that i stick with my family, that i am not buying all the latest tech things, they also know that they can count with me, that i mental about fitness, that i never quit, even when its better to quit, even when you know the end result, even when you know that I will lose...i dont quit...that i am stuburn...some think i am arrogant, that i have to much self confidance...one dimension....must people just see one dimension of me...
people who know me from the gym see my almost mental dedication to fitness, i am in the gym every day before 07.00, i push hard, people in there think i am mad sport person, i was asked several times what i do for living,am i a professional sportsman?? i am in the army??? police??? no, i am guy who works in an office for a international organization, i develop documents and evaluate techinal documents...they are always surprised, and i can talk more them basic stuff, more them exercises, more them training routines, i am not thinking only about fitness,i am not a gym rat, i read books, i watch films that people in the gym dont even expect, that they not even know that exist...its not about being just one dimension....
people who see my driving my station wagon...think family guy, with kids and maybe a dog...no...not even close....we all thinking we see the others and know who they are, what they do, what person are they....some think i am happy, a always happy person....this is not true, i am optimist person, i am someone who is always thinking that something good will happen to me, happy???? no....family man...i wish...
we all make the mistake of thinking we know the others well, that we know who they are....but almost no one see the full picture, must people who know me, they dont see my inner me, the values i defend, the person i have become after losing Anna, the level of love i have...i dont know if "have" is the right word...i cannot say for sure "had"....i am not sure about have were i stand towards love...i truly not...
most people i know did not understood why i was in government job, not well paid, when i could have a much better paid job, with experience i have, why i didnt want to be "more", why? why not get more money?? but work, money...its not this that define, my job is not the most important thing for me, why? because i care more about having time, have a life outside my office, have time to share with some one i love, this is more important them money, i was in very well paid jobs, in very bad paid jobs...and my life doesnt change, my days, my weeks are not very different, i focus on the life after work, i think its more important to have time for the ones you love, to have time to do things, to be there for the important people in your life, life is not about your professional title, is not about your money, its not about your getting power, life is about being generous, its about being respectful, its about living for others, not only for you...this is me...
taking risks, not be afraid of put your word to the test, to say love is the most important thing we have in life, to risk everything for love, to being able to leave everything behind for love, to risk my life, to go a foreign country, to go to places that taxi drives wouldnt go, to be told i was going to be killed 3 times, to go on the darkest corners of a city in asia, to see the most dark sides of human nature, to look for some i care, to put this person in front of everything, to see the worse of human kind, all for love, for a person who would tell me after a flight of 20 hours,in a airport in 1996, i have a new boyfriend...to be able to rebuild my life, to love like i never expect to love again, have the possibility to meet and love Anna, to have meet and lose the most amazing person in this world, to be touch by joy and pain, to be willing to die even today for Anna, even after she doesnt give a damn about me, even after she cut me from her life, who doesnt care about me, to live life love with passion, with almost madness, that is me...
to go home, to cook for myself, to be able to enjoy being alone at my home, drink my tea, watching a stupid film in the tv, to go and have my ice cream in the park, to read a book outside,all by my self to ride my bike to work in the snow, to be able to resist losing a very close member of my family, my grandfather and being there for my family, even when there was moments i just want to cry, i hold it, i keep holding my mother, my brother, i keep telling them be strong, cherry the person in your heart, he will live for ever with us, to there for them, to put a show, to be strong, even if you were not, but some one as to hold it, this is me...
to have one word, to not to cheat, to respect, to be there, to persistence, never to quit, even when maybe quiting is the best way, the only choice...to still think tomorrow will be better them today, that even if i dont understand my path in life, even if i am walking still some days in hell, that one day the sun will shine, that love will be there for me, not to be afraid of being alone, to be good just with me, just being alone and happy, to think age is just number, that life is a joy, that life is to be enjoyed, that life should be good, sometimes not easy...but good, that we never should stop fighting for what we believe...this is me..
being responsible, i am being taken responsability in my life since early age, for my brother, he is younger, them later for my family, for me, for others, to do the right thing, to live with honor and respect, that its me...
to love one person, to love only one person, to fully dedicate to this person, to believe what this person told me, to believe that people actions and their hearts are the same of the promises they make..maybe this is the biggest disapoimtment of my life, i think others are like me, because i will never say and promise things i will not do, which i will not respect...if i say i do...i will do...i dont care what it "cost", what is the "price" to pay, this is me...
and people my think...woowww...you are so "nice", why you are alone?? you are just blowing your own trumpet hey..its the net, this guy can say whatever he wants...no one is like that...like i said before, sometimes just say the truth, i dont care if people believe of not, there is nothing i say in here that is not real, that is not truth...
i change, i am a different person , i am a better person, i dont judge people, i dont label people, i think for example that what defines a person is the values, the love, the caring, not the job tittle, not its passport, not its sexual orientation, not is bank account, this is me...
maybe i am alone because everything i say here, i am being fully honest, i life with my code, with what i think its right, and yes, its not easy to fit in this world, this is me...i am like this...i have no one in my life, but my heart is still not fully free, and my stupid heart as one one place, for only one person, you can ask, how you can be stil not be free??? she doesnt care about you, i know this, i she kick you out of her life, i know this, and my heart is still not yet fully free...maybe i will never be...for a person which i found very recently did some thing i think is not correct, that there is no respect... but my heart still is not free, i know myself, it will take years and years, and until this is not solved i am not able to move forward with love...i am not interested in one day stands, i am not interested in chasing girls with lies for a good time...so i am stay alone...you can say..to be stupidy....but this is also me....
but i was not always like this, i was far from being tolerant, i was not right, i think kid eduction was like army drill, that a meal would be a test of wills, where you wouldnt fail, that life was made of rules, of routines, where there was a "me" agenda, yes i was like many others, selfish, self centered, i am my own agenda, i didnt learn to adpated, i always think i was right, that i was always right, that you dont need to show your feelings, dontt need to tell the person you love, how much you love her, and that all the nice things, the little things...its for movies...i wouldnt change a day of my sport to be with Anna...i need to lose love,i need to lose the two must important persons in my life to change, i need to be kick in teeth by life, my heart still bleeds when i think i could had everything i want, and i didnt even realise it, that it was there under my eyes...i need to lose to understand what is really important in life...but life changed me...i improved as human, as man, the only thing is life is not like the movies...in the movies in a twist by end the nice guy always get the girl, life is not like that, this is reality and it will never happen!
i loved Anna without hope, with hope, with all my heart, i love with a blind and mad way, and yet i will not get her back, no life is not like the movies, there will no happy end for me...i will not be with Anna, i will not share her life any more...but should i stop being me??? i cannot....i cannot, i am me, when you see some, try to see the entire person, dont judge this person on what you see in that moment or in a fuction, maybe there is a lot more in that person, we are not all one dimension, i have so many dimesions, and its all of them that make me, me....
so you am i? i am person you goes to church, who prays and lights a candle for a person who doesnt care about him, who helps others, so will fight for others, who is honest, passion, but i am also person who teach others how defend thenselfs by hurting another fellow human, i am a person you will find full of life, who will never forgets his friends, i am person who is not afraid of death, but wants to life, i am person who reads Nietzsche, but which sees crap action films, i talk about zen as much as how to break an arm, i travel, i see others i think life is a long and unknown path, i am person who thinks life is important, that love is rare and only one, that you should never stop figthing for what you believe, that there is only one person in my heart, and i rather life alone for the rest of my life them being a asshole who cheats...
so who am I?...me? not easy to say...what is the best way to say something about me...you can say...that is the guy who truly love Anna!!!
who am I??? is my name vicent de havilland? no, this name is my blog name, its not my real name, its just a name i use, its a combination of uncle of mine which was a very interesting person and who fascinate my youth with his stories and a company who use to build planes....
I like planes, i build so many little kit planes when i was a kid, about i was fascinate by planes, i study them , made them i draw them, and this name was something i like..de haviland...so the name stick with me...why i dont use my real name??? to protect Anna, so she keeps living her life...so people one day will not go and ask questions, to protect her child....that why i never make specific and real indications...
yes, the little snow man on the photo.. i made it, in one of my travels, i am not the best snow man builder!!! my country doesnt have a lot of snow, almost none....so i dont have a lot of experience...
who is the real me? some of the people who work with me,they think they know me, some of my friends think they know me, they both are right and wrong..they know parts of me, the person who knew better was Anna, but today even her doesnt know me totaly...
people who work with me think i am mad person, loud, funny, mad person, they think i am a womanizer, who is telling stories, maybe i am guilty of giving the wrong impression, sometimes is so much more easy to pretend, because the true you may scare people, may lead to people to think that you are snob,a shadow from the past, crazy, stupid no one believes in true gentlemen, how its possilbe? every one have an agenda...maybe not...when i tell my stories sometimes they will think i am inventing then, but like a friend once told me, just tell the truth and if no one believe you, they will be surprised one day to find out, after all it was real...it was true...like he say blind them with truth, its so strange way people dont believe what you tell them simply because they live different lives, i did things, i saw things that most people whould not do, will not see, i tell them, if they dont believe it i dont mind...sometimes its hard to believe for a lot of people that you may have a live a life that is not common...that some things happen...in the end yes i did and lived and see things that most people never even imagine...and i dont regret nothing i did...
i am person who trains martial arts, who trains self defense, for years, i lived in asia for 9 years, i learn martial arts in there, not a sport, no, martial arts, its very different, i train self defense, i did fight a few times in my life, as a last resort, not to attack, never, just to defend, just when its the last option, i am not a bully, i am not arrogant, i am not looking for fight..i always tell...fight is always the last option...walk away...but i will fight for what i believe, that is better to die for what you believe them them go home and life with the fact that you let something that shouldnt happen, happen....maybe my colleagues know about this...they create one dimension side of me, maybe i also help to create this picture...others who know only from offical work, from seminars and meetings....see the guy who does great presentations, who can talk in public, professional, soft spoken, this people, who know me from meetings and dont know me, think they know me...that i am quiet and soft spoken person....my friends, know my dedication to my sport, the sport i do since i am 13, that took me to nice places across the planet, that made me reach and meet so many people...that is challenging, that is some times dangerous, that involves the sea, they know that i dont go out a lot, that i not a big spender of cash, that i was a good student, that i stick with my family, that i am not buying all the latest tech things, they also know that they can count with me, that i mental about fitness, that i never quit, even when its better to quit, even when you know the end result, even when you know that I will lose...i dont quit...that i am stuburn...some think i am arrogant, that i have to much self confidance...one dimension....must people just see one dimension of me...
people who know me from the gym see my almost mental dedication to fitness, i am in the gym every day before 07.00, i push hard, people in there think i am mad sport person, i was asked several times what i do for living,am i a professional sportsman?? i am in the army??? police??? no, i am guy who works in an office for a international organization, i develop documents and evaluate techinal documents...they are always surprised, and i can talk more them basic stuff, more them exercises, more them training routines, i am not thinking only about fitness,i am not a gym rat, i read books, i watch films that people in the gym dont even expect, that they not even know that exist...its not about being just one dimension....
people who see my driving my station wagon...think family guy, with kids and maybe a dog...no...not even close....we all thinking we see the others and know who they are, what they do, what person are they....some think i am happy, a always happy person....this is not true, i am optimist person, i am someone who is always thinking that something good will happen to me, happy???? no....family man...i wish...
we all make the mistake of thinking we know the others well, that we know who they are....but almost no one see the full picture, must people who know me, they dont see my inner me, the values i defend, the person i have become after losing Anna, the level of love i have...i dont know if "have" is the right word...i cannot say for sure "had"....i am not sure about have were i stand towards love...i truly not...
most people i know did not understood why i was in government job, not well paid, when i could have a much better paid job, with experience i have, why i didnt want to be "more", why? why not get more money?? but work, money...its not this that define, my job is not the most important thing for me, why? because i care more about having time, have a life outside my office, have time to share with some one i love, this is more important them money, i was in very well paid jobs, in very bad paid jobs...and my life doesnt change, my days, my weeks are not very different, i focus on the life after work, i think its more important to have time for the ones you love, to have time to do things, to be there for the important people in your life, life is not about your professional title, is not about your money, its not about your getting power, life is about being generous, its about being respectful, its about living for others, not only for you...this is me...
taking risks, not be afraid of put your word to the test, to say love is the most important thing we have in life, to risk everything for love, to being able to leave everything behind for love, to risk my life, to go a foreign country, to go to places that taxi drives wouldnt go, to be told i was going to be killed 3 times, to go on the darkest corners of a city in asia, to see the most dark sides of human nature, to look for some i care, to put this person in front of everything, to see the worse of human kind, all for love, for a person who would tell me after a flight of 20 hours,in a airport in 1996, i have a new boyfriend...to be able to rebuild my life, to love like i never expect to love again, have the possibility to meet and love Anna, to have meet and lose the most amazing person in this world, to be touch by joy and pain, to be willing to die even today for Anna, even after she doesnt give a damn about me, even after she cut me from her life, who doesnt care about me, to live life love with passion, with almost madness, that is me...
to go home, to cook for myself, to be able to enjoy being alone at my home, drink my tea, watching a stupid film in the tv, to go and have my ice cream in the park, to read a book outside,all by my self to ride my bike to work in the snow, to be able to resist losing a very close member of my family, my grandfather and being there for my family, even when there was moments i just want to cry, i hold it, i keep holding my mother, my brother, i keep telling them be strong, cherry the person in your heart, he will live for ever with us, to there for them, to put a show, to be strong, even if you were not, but some one as to hold it, this is me...
to have one word, to not to cheat, to respect, to be there, to persistence, never to quit, even when maybe quiting is the best way, the only choice...to still think tomorrow will be better them today, that even if i dont understand my path in life, even if i am walking still some days in hell, that one day the sun will shine, that love will be there for me, not to be afraid of being alone, to be good just with me, just being alone and happy, to think age is just number, that life is a joy, that life is to be enjoyed, that life should be good, sometimes not easy...but good, that we never should stop fighting for what we believe...this is me..
being responsible, i am being taken responsability in my life since early age, for my brother, he is younger, them later for my family, for me, for others, to do the right thing, to live with honor and respect, that its me...
to love one person, to love only one person, to fully dedicate to this person, to believe what this person told me, to believe that people actions and their hearts are the same of the promises they make..maybe this is the biggest disapoimtment of my life, i think others are like me, because i will never say and promise things i will not do, which i will not respect...if i say i do...i will do...i dont care what it "cost", what is the "price" to pay, this is me...
and people my think...woowww...you are so "nice", why you are alone?? you are just blowing your own trumpet hey..its the net, this guy can say whatever he wants...no one is like that...like i said before, sometimes just say the truth, i dont care if people believe of not, there is nothing i say in here that is not real, that is not truth...
i change, i am a different person , i am a better person, i dont judge people, i dont label people, i think for example that what defines a person is the values, the love, the caring, not the job tittle, not its passport, not its sexual orientation, not is bank account, this is me...
maybe i am alone because everything i say here, i am being fully honest, i life with my code, with what i think its right, and yes, its not easy to fit in this world, this is me...i am like this...i have no one in my life, but my heart is still not fully free, and my stupid heart as one one place, for only one person, you can ask, how you can be stil not be free??? she doesnt care about you, i know this, i she kick you out of her life, i know this, and my heart is still not yet fully free...maybe i will never be...for a person which i found very recently did some thing i think is not correct, that there is no respect... but my heart still is not free, i know myself, it will take years and years, and until this is not solved i am not able to move forward with love...i am not interested in one day stands, i am not interested in chasing girls with lies for a good time...so i am stay alone...you can say..to be stupidy....but this is also me....
but i was not always like this, i was far from being tolerant, i was not right, i think kid eduction was like army drill, that a meal would be a test of wills, where you wouldnt fail, that life was made of rules, of routines, where there was a "me" agenda, yes i was like many others, selfish, self centered, i am my own agenda, i didnt learn to adpated, i always think i was right, that i was always right, that you dont need to show your feelings, dontt need to tell the person you love, how much you love her, and that all the nice things, the little things...its for movies...i wouldnt change a day of my sport to be with Anna...i need to lose love,i need to lose the two must important persons in my life to change, i need to be kick in teeth by life, my heart still bleeds when i think i could had everything i want, and i didnt even realise it, that it was there under my eyes...i need to lose to understand what is really important in life...but life changed me...i improved as human, as man, the only thing is life is not like the movies...in the movies in a twist by end the nice guy always get the girl, life is not like that, this is reality and it will never happen!
i loved Anna without hope, with hope, with all my heart, i love with a blind and mad way, and yet i will not get her back, no life is not like the movies, there will no happy end for me...i will not be with Anna, i will not share her life any more...but should i stop being me??? i cannot....i cannot, i am me, when you see some, try to see the entire person, dont judge this person on what you see in that moment or in a fuction, maybe there is a lot more in that person, we are not all one dimension, i have so many dimesions, and its all of them that make me, me....
so you am i? i am person you goes to church, who prays and lights a candle for a person who doesnt care about him, who helps others, so will fight for others, who is honest, passion, but i am also person who teach others how defend thenselfs by hurting another fellow human, i am a person you will find full of life, who will never forgets his friends, i am person who is not afraid of death, but wants to life, i am person who reads Nietzsche, but which sees crap action films, i talk about zen as much as how to break an arm, i travel, i see others i think life is a long and unknown path, i am person who thinks life is important, that love is rare and only one, that you should never stop figthing for what you believe, that there is only one person in my heart, and i rather life alone for the rest of my life them being a asshole who cheats...
so who am I?...me? not easy to say...what is the best way to say something about me...you can say...that is the guy who truly love Anna!!!
Monday 4 March 2013
a true man never ever hit a women!!!!
if you are man, one thing you never do, ever, its to hit a girl, there is no excuse, there is no reason, there is no exception, its very simple, you never ever hit a girl!!!
one of the most basic things you should learn in life is that you shall never hit a girl , hurt a girl is wrong, its super wrong, and there is no exception, and if you see any person doing this, you should go and break this guy into pieces!!!!!
i speak in here about i feel, about i see, and this weekend, in the middle of the street, in a european city, in a proper area, around 23.00, in front of a bar, with lots of people inside, and some outside, there was this guy shouting and slapping a girl...no one one did nothing...i know today people are afraid, of lawsuits, of being involved, of being hurt, of getting involved, but...how can you go home and know you didnt nothing???????
i am not looking for any trouble, i was just walking to my car, i was returning from the cinema, but i saw it, and i went to separated them, yes, in my mind i want to hurt the guy, this is one of things i truly hate, it drives me mad, furious, total crazy, seeing a man hitting a girl, i dont know why this is happening...i dont need to know, i dont care, it simply wrong...i push the guy to the floor....he was drunk, one of the people watching come forward, i was thinking, i am going for a fight, i dont care...i am still in a state that i have no fear, but no, he just say...he is drunk, that his girlfriend, she is leaving him and she was "cheating on him"....so this guy is a friend or at least know this guy...and he didnt nothing??? did he think that the fact he was drunk...or something happen gives him the reason to hit, to hurt, to slap a girl??? what is wrong with people today??? dont you have any respect? values??
if she did something wrong, if she cheat on you, or lie....them walk away, leave her!!! hurting her, beating her, is not right, its bloody wrong...there is not excuse, there is not reason why any man should do it!!! and if you think its right to do so, you must learn a lot about life, about love....and pray that you never come across me in your life....
in end the girl went away....the friends of the guy helping him stand up...he look at me, he start shouting that he was going to kill me...i look at his friends and say.....please, i dont want to fight, i dont want any trouble, just take him away....yes part of me wanted him to try to fight me, part of me want to hurt him, but the drunk guy and his group went inside the bar...but i also told his friends, you are all bloody cowards, you shouldnt never allowed your friend to hit a girl....they didnt say nothing...
how can you hit a girl??? how can you raise your hand for a person who loves you, you cares for???or that love you??? that was a part of your life...maybe you become separated, maybe there was some bad stuff....but hit her????...hurt her???with you for that??? what sort of person are you??? if you do this you are nothing them a bloody coward, a low life, you are scum!!!
what society are we living??? what values are teaching our kids???? what happen to respect?? to love??? to care??? to be a gentleman???? what happen to do something?? to stop a bad thing from happening??? last weekend i was shocked, not only there was this guy hitting a girl, but even more shocked that no one, and there was lots of people watching...no one didnt nothing??? how can this be possible????
i would prefer to be beaten by some guys while trying to stop a girl from being hurt,i prefer to be hurt, to get bruises, to be covered in blood, them going home knowing i saw a guy or guys hitting a women and did nothing...
some people think this is a "lower" class problem, that in today society this doesnt happen...its wrong, it happens, it happens in all walks of life, it happens in all the countries, it happen across all ages groups, and it happens because people let it happen, we all turn the blind eye...its not my problem...she did something...i should be involved in a private matter...hey...excuses...if you know...if you see it, broke the legs of the guy, hurt him, this is low, this is despicable, a man should never hurt a girl...
we all have problems, we all have high and lows in our relationships, but raise a hand, never, you can be furious, you maybe even scream, but never hit, if its bad, just walk away, go, walk your desert, walk through hell, i walk in hell, i am somehow still walking in hell, doesnt matter how bad it is, violence is not the answer...
and if you know a girl, if you are girl, who is being hurt, you may say...it was only once, he was drunk, he have problems, he was not himself...he loves me....sorry, a man you raise a hand to you doesnt love you, dont respect you, he is no good, there is no excuse...you need to move on, you need to respect yourself, there is nothing more wrong them a guy hitting you!!!! i guy that hits you, doesnt love you...is that simple..
love is not about violence, the true signs of you love is when you lose everything, whem you are facing a situation that there is no future, that life for you like wanted is over, is in lower moments of your life that you show your true colours and show to the other person how much them mean to you, even if your heart is full of hate, or pain, or desperation, you are man, you are a person of good, so show your true colours, leave her with respect, with love, even if you think she doesnt deserve it, you will prove to you and her, that you love her.
if you resort to violence, then you are not a man, you just a low life...
this problem has two sides, one is yourself, and as man, as person who love, you should never ever raise the hand to no women, never, for no reason, there is always a choice, there is always the option to walk out...violence is not and answer....and there is the other side, we should never consider this is ok, that you if know, or see it, and no nothing, you are some how being part of this violence...there is we all, we should never let this to happen, to be consider ok...nooooo---there is no grey areas, there is only one thing...act!!!! we all have a role to play, we all have a part to play, to be respectful towards women, to teach our kids to never resort to violence, to be gentleman, to be good, to have honour, to have virtue, that love is never an excuse to hurt others, life is not a walk in the park, its never easy, but a warrior will not hurt women, a warrior will walk away....
i would rather die protecting a women i dont know, that going home knowing i did nothing...
one of the most basic things you should learn in life is that you shall never hit a girl , hurt a girl is wrong, its super wrong, and there is no exception, and if you see any person doing this, you should go and break this guy into pieces!!!!!
i speak in here about i feel, about i see, and this weekend, in the middle of the street, in a european city, in a proper area, around 23.00, in front of a bar, with lots of people inside, and some outside, there was this guy shouting and slapping a girl...no one one did nothing...i know today people are afraid, of lawsuits, of being involved, of being hurt, of getting involved, but...how can you go home and know you didnt nothing???????
i am not looking for any trouble, i was just walking to my car, i was returning from the cinema, but i saw it, and i went to separated them, yes, in my mind i want to hurt the guy, this is one of things i truly hate, it drives me mad, furious, total crazy, seeing a man hitting a girl, i dont know why this is happening...i dont need to know, i dont care, it simply wrong...i push the guy to the floor....he was drunk, one of the people watching come forward, i was thinking, i am going for a fight, i dont care...i am still in a state that i have no fear, but no, he just say...he is drunk, that his girlfriend, she is leaving him and she was "cheating on him"....so this guy is a friend or at least know this guy...and he didnt nothing??? did he think that the fact he was drunk...or something happen gives him the reason to hit, to hurt, to slap a girl??? what is wrong with people today??? dont you have any respect? values??
if she did something wrong, if she cheat on you, or lie....them walk away, leave her!!! hurting her, beating her, is not right, its bloody wrong...there is not excuse, there is not reason why any man should do it!!! and if you think its right to do so, you must learn a lot about life, about love....and pray that you never come across me in your life....
in end the girl went away....the friends of the guy helping him stand up...he look at me, he start shouting that he was going to kill me...i look at his friends and say.....please, i dont want to fight, i dont want any trouble, just take him away....yes part of me wanted him to try to fight me, part of me want to hurt him, but the drunk guy and his group went inside the bar...but i also told his friends, you are all bloody cowards, you shouldnt never allowed your friend to hit a girl....they didnt say nothing...
how can you hit a girl??? how can you raise your hand for a person who loves you, you cares for???or that love you??? that was a part of your life...maybe you become separated, maybe there was some bad stuff....but hit her????...hurt her???with you for that??? what sort of person are you??? if you do this you are nothing them a bloody coward, a low life, you are scum!!!
what society are we living??? what values are teaching our kids???? what happen to respect?? to love??? to care??? to be a gentleman???? what happen to do something?? to stop a bad thing from happening??? last weekend i was shocked, not only there was this guy hitting a girl, but even more shocked that no one, and there was lots of people watching...no one didnt nothing??? how can this be possible????
i would prefer to be beaten by some guys while trying to stop a girl from being hurt,i prefer to be hurt, to get bruises, to be covered in blood, them going home knowing i saw a guy or guys hitting a women and did nothing...
some people think this is a "lower" class problem, that in today society this doesnt happen...its wrong, it happens, it happens in all walks of life, it happens in all the countries, it happen across all ages groups, and it happens because people let it happen, we all turn the blind eye...its not my problem...she did something...i should be involved in a private matter...hey...excuses...if you know...if you see it, broke the legs of the guy, hurt him, this is low, this is despicable, a man should never hurt a girl...
we all have problems, we all have high and lows in our relationships, but raise a hand, never, you can be furious, you maybe even scream, but never hit, if its bad, just walk away, go, walk your desert, walk through hell, i walk in hell, i am somehow still walking in hell, doesnt matter how bad it is, violence is not the answer...
and if you know a girl, if you are girl, who is being hurt, you may say...it was only once, he was drunk, he have problems, he was not himself...he loves me....sorry, a man you raise a hand to you doesnt love you, dont respect you, he is no good, there is no excuse...you need to move on, you need to respect yourself, there is nothing more wrong them a guy hitting you!!!! i guy that hits you, doesnt love you...is that simple..
love is not about violence, the true signs of you love is when you lose everything, whem you are facing a situation that there is no future, that life for you like wanted is over, is in lower moments of your life that you show your true colours and show to the other person how much them mean to you, even if your heart is full of hate, or pain, or desperation, you are man, you are a person of good, so show your true colours, leave her with respect, with love, even if you think she doesnt deserve it, you will prove to you and her, that you love her.
if you resort to violence, then you are not a man, you just a low life...
this problem has two sides, one is yourself, and as man, as person who love, you should never ever raise the hand to no women, never, for no reason, there is always a choice, there is always the option to walk out...violence is not and answer....and there is the other side, we should never consider this is ok, that you if know, or see it, and no nothing, you are some how being part of this violence...there is we all, we should never let this to happen, to be consider ok...nooooo---there is no grey areas, there is only one thing...act!!!! we all have a role to play, we all have a part to play, to be respectful towards women, to teach our kids to never resort to violence, to be gentleman, to be good, to have honour, to have virtue, that love is never an excuse to hurt others, life is not a walk in the park, its never easy, but a warrior will not hurt women, a warrior will walk away....
i would rather die protecting a women i dont know, that going home knowing i did nothing...
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