This last week i was full of questions, i was not at peace, same times we know the reason why we are not at peace...we know we will fall, we know we will go down, but i also know, how, and why, but i will rise again, that i will once more stand up!!!
this is the biggest lesson for me from all this last year, i know i can stand up, i know i will be here, standing, looking life in the eyes, i will not let this get to me...i will not go down, this is a huge victory, its a victory of me over me, its the victory of hope and believe over despair and sorrow, its a victory of light over the darkness...
we fight all this battles every day, over love, over jobs, over family, over things have no importance..and we forget that the biggest battle we fight every day, the most important fight is the fight we us....the fight for what we do with our lifes!!!
Is not life that defects us...its us..you...me, that give up , its us that decide to stop fighting, stop believing in ourselfs...i did stop believe in me...I let my inner darkness get over me...but i am fighting back, and this is a fight with no end, we must fight every day, every day of our lifes, we must fight for what we believe, life is not a walk in the park, life is a mountain mad run, we need to be alert, to be sharp, and enjoy it even when you not sure if you will make it or not!!
this is also a lesson i get this last days, i was lowering my guard, i was not very happy, life is tough, but i am not the only one who was going in a days, i am sure that there are millions of people out there, that are fighting the same fight i do, that some are saying...i had enough, i will stop fighting...i gave up, and we do, we gave up on love, on life, on people, why???? why should we gave up??? because we dont see the end of our quest? because we think we will never win this fight?? because we have pain, because its difficult, because we suffer..this is what makes us, this is what makes us true, is the choice!!!! we can choose to quit, and gave up...or we can go and fight, and fight until the end, be honest with you...fight, i will never quit, i can be put by life down, endless times, but i will raise, i will maybe be bloody, i may be all broken, but i will never give up, special on love, i dont know how this will end, but i will never gave up, even when there would be no hope, i will never stop fighting!!! i made my choice, i choose to fight!!!!
we fight all this battle, we all think the problem is others, money, job, etc, yes, they are true issues, but the key is the inner fight we fight we us!! if life hurts us, if people hurt us, dont let this make you stop fighting, if we do, them the problems will take over us, will control our lifes, if you keep fighting, if you dont gave up, you have a chance, you have a possibility that you can win!! if you are push in the water...we all try to swim, we do it without thinking....we want to survive...so why we dont do the same when we face tough problem? why we stop fighting??? dont, never!!!!
so join me in this fight, fight with me, by my side, we all have our inner demons, lets face them in the battle field, lets give a good fight, dont give to them!!! i prefer to go down fighting, them gave up and be sorry for the rest of my life!!!
i learn this because of my love, love touch my heart, i lost my love...and i stop fighting, i let sorrow get in my heart, i let life attack me and i didnt fight back...I was to concentrated on what i didnt have, i was not fighting no any more, i am fighting, i am fighting my biggest emeny...my biggest challange, me, i am fighting me, i am fighting for happiness, for joy, for laughting, for peace..i will never stop this fight with me, because this is a fight we need to fight every day, but i do it for become a better person, some one i can be proud, some one who life without regrets, you can look and life in the eye and not blink, i will fight, every day, all the days, so i am worth of my love!!!!!!
Saturday 25 February 2012
Monday 20 February 2012
karma
Karma, fate...Anna was telling she as bad karma, that she cannot find anything good in her life, that she made a mistake and she is paying the price...
i told her, she is not a bad person, you didnt deserve anything that happen, that you have not bad karma, you made a mistake, we all do, we need is to learn from them and carry on, we dont let this mistakes define who we are, and we are not responsible for what people do, if other persons close to you are doing same thing wrong, its not your fault, its not karma, its their own minds...its their own actions!!!! you are not guilty!!!!
i am afraid, that she is getting really bad adivce, i cannot reach to her, i am cannot show how much i could change her life, how? how could i?? its so simple, if she let me take her out, i would take to run, to do longs walks in the country, to try my sport, to do new things, outdoors...she use to love that, i would try to show there is a beautifl world out there...i would do this for her, to make her happy, she doesnt have to kiss me, to tell me nice things, to be my love, no, i would be her friend, i would bring the clouds out of her life, to show her, there is sun out there...
You dont have to fight the world alone, when some one walks by your side, he will help you fight, he would help in the bad times come...to laugh with you with when the good times are here....this is walking side by side...i am dont want to carry you, i dont want to fight all the battles for you, i dont want to do everything for you...when a child is learning to walk, you let the child fall...you let them stand up...you let them build the confidance...let them to learn to walk...you are there, to see the child is not hurting it self...not walk for her...this is what means side by side...i dont want to do things for you....this you have to your self...but you should see the difference bettween helping...and control....and try to walk for you....
if you stay home all day, if you dont go out, if you are afraid, you stop taking risk, life is not good, life is not beutiful, i try, i try to show her that the biggest change in her life, the first sign of positive things entering her life was me returning to the same city as her...but no...she is refusing to see that...she told me she dont get any lucky break...life is not good...
i am here...and yet is like i dont exist, its like i am just shadow of the past, she is not even realising she is so focus on bad things that she doesnt even see what i could bring...would we be back to the same old stories??? same fights??? of course not, but she will never find out, she will never see that, she told me, she doesnt believe in second chances...i am saying...i am not a second chance, i am new chance, i am a new person, like she is a new person.
I dont know if i would meet this person know i would like her, i am so sad to say this, it breaks my heart, but its true, i was thinking a lot about this, i am loving a imagine, a person that doesnt exist??? that life took her away from me?
i am not the same person, i am not the same guy that i was in the time we where together...i am new me...but like i say many times, she will never will know that, not because i dont want to prove it to her, because she doesnt want to see it, she is afraid....she thinks if she bans me from her life she will be better...more happy? My dear sweet Anna, you are asking the man in this world that love more them everything, that would be there for you all the time, that respects, that thinks you are amazing, that you beautiful, that you super smart, that you are my only one, you think by asking me to leave your life you will be better, you no "ex"...i was always think i was more them a ex...i was friend...i was you close dear friend....
you think that you will find a person who has no issues with life, no kids, super shape, fit, loves you, your child is happy and enjoys see me, loves you more them anything in this world? maybe i am blowing my own trompet...
you think life doesnt give you break??? i complain the same...read the posts...but i never stop believing, i never stop trying, i never gave up, i went by pain, by miseray, but it didnt stop me, i fought, i have the scars from this fight with life, but i am still here....i can smile and laugh, i can still think tomorrow will be better them today, i still believe the best is yet to come...
i dont stop, i didnt gave up, i open my heart to life, i try to push me out there, and i am, i am good, dear Anna, do the same, dont block people from your life because the past, see them, discover them...what are you so afraid??? that you will realise that we great together? that you will start to develop feelings for me, and i going to bad for you????? i would never be bad for you...i love you!
the worse case you would laugh, would see some great movies, whould go out, have fun...and you would had a great friend...what i feel is my issue, i would never put pressure on you....i can see your face and say...you put a lot of pressure....maybe...if call 3 times per week is to much, but that is because we use to speak every day, even after we break up.....but maybe you are right, maybe i need to give you distance...
you say life doesnt give you any chance....you are throwing away the biggest change life is every going to give you....you are pushing me out of your life....you are pushing pure love out....it seens my love for you is not enough....
i told her, she is not a bad person, you didnt deserve anything that happen, that you have not bad karma, you made a mistake, we all do, we need is to learn from them and carry on, we dont let this mistakes define who we are, and we are not responsible for what people do, if other persons close to you are doing same thing wrong, its not your fault, its not karma, its their own minds...its their own actions!!!! you are not guilty!!!!
i am afraid, that she is getting really bad adivce, i cannot reach to her, i am cannot show how much i could change her life, how? how could i?? its so simple, if she let me take her out, i would take to run, to do longs walks in the country, to try my sport, to do new things, outdoors...she use to love that, i would try to show there is a beautifl world out there...i would do this for her, to make her happy, she doesnt have to kiss me, to tell me nice things, to be my love, no, i would be her friend, i would bring the clouds out of her life, to show her, there is sun out there...
You dont have to fight the world alone, when some one walks by your side, he will help you fight, he would help in the bad times come...to laugh with you with when the good times are here....this is walking side by side...i am dont want to carry you, i dont want to fight all the battles for you, i dont want to do everything for you...when a child is learning to walk, you let the child fall...you let them stand up...you let them build the confidance...let them to learn to walk...you are there, to see the child is not hurting it self...not walk for her...this is what means side by side...i dont want to do things for you....this you have to your self...but you should see the difference bettween helping...and control....and try to walk for you....
if you stay home all day, if you dont go out, if you are afraid, you stop taking risk, life is not good, life is not beutiful, i try, i try to show her that the biggest change in her life, the first sign of positive things entering her life was me returning to the same city as her...but no...she is refusing to see that...she told me she dont get any lucky break...life is not good...
i am here...and yet is like i dont exist, its like i am just shadow of the past, she is not even realising she is so focus on bad things that she doesnt even see what i could bring...would we be back to the same old stories??? same fights??? of course not, but she will never find out, she will never see that, she told me, she doesnt believe in second chances...i am saying...i am not a second chance, i am new chance, i am a new person, like she is a new person.
I dont know if i would meet this person know i would like her, i am so sad to say this, it breaks my heart, but its true, i was thinking a lot about this, i am loving a imagine, a person that doesnt exist??? that life took her away from me?
i am not the same person, i am not the same guy that i was in the time we where together...i am new me...but like i say many times, she will never will know that, not because i dont want to prove it to her, because she doesnt want to see it, she is afraid....she thinks if she bans me from her life she will be better...more happy? My dear sweet Anna, you are asking the man in this world that love more them everything, that would be there for you all the time, that respects, that thinks you are amazing, that you beautiful, that you super smart, that you are my only one, you think by asking me to leave your life you will be better, you no "ex"...i was always think i was more them a ex...i was friend...i was you close dear friend....
you think that you will find a person who has no issues with life, no kids, super shape, fit, loves you, your child is happy and enjoys see me, loves you more them anything in this world? maybe i am blowing my own trompet...
you think life doesnt give you break??? i complain the same...read the posts...but i never stop believing, i never stop trying, i never gave up, i went by pain, by miseray, but it didnt stop me, i fought, i have the scars from this fight with life, but i am still here....i can smile and laugh, i can still think tomorrow will be better them today, i still believe the best is yet to come...
i dont stop, i didnt gave up, i open my heart to life, i try to push me out there, and i am, i am good, dear Anna, do the same, dont block people from your life because the past, see them, discover them...what are you so afraid??? that you will realise that we great together? that you will start to develop feelings for me, and i going to bad for you????? i would never be bad for you...i love you!
the worse case you would laugh, would see some great movies, whould go out, have fun...and you would had a great friend...what i feel is my issue, i would never put pressure on you....i can see your face and say...you put a lot of pressure....maybe...if call 3 times per week is to much, but that is because we use to speak every day, even after we break up.....but maybe you are right, maybe i need to give you distance...
you say life doesnt give you any chance....you are throwing away the biggest change life is every going to give you....you are pushing me out of your life....you are pushing pure love out....it seens my love for you is not enough....
Saturday 18 February 2012
Ex...
Yesterday I had a coffee with Anna, i found out that i am not a friend, i am not some one she wants to go out with, i am not a person she wants to have dinner, i can get a coffee, maximum i can have lunch, i am a ex....she even told me...that she had several valentines messages...why should i care?....i am ex....was to hurt me? to test me? i am basically no body for her, I cannot take to a cinema, I cannot take her to dinner, I cannot see her child…
For me, is different, i dont label persons, i go out with people i enjoy the company, who i can laugh with, with whom i can have a good time, if its a old girlfriend, a colleague from work, some one i meet in a meeting, doesnt make a difference...its how i relate to this person, if i can have a good time or not...and me and Anna, the talk is easy, its fluent, there is no secrets...and yet....coffee..cinema no....i dont understand...either you want to see same one or not...so what is the difference betweene having lunch with me and not having dinner...its the time?? i dont understand...
How this words made me feel??? There is no words… because I always consider that we were friends, that what we life together meant something, that she would be happy to have some one by her side that would always would help her, who didn’t want anything in return besides knowing she is happy…no…I am an ex….i miss a meeting yesterday,…I had meeting..i didn’t even remember that I had a meeting….i was thinking…how can this person, this beautiful soul could be so cold…you are an ex….i am not an ex from yesterday…I am ex for more them a year and we never stop having lunches, dinners, going to places…no…not any more…
she told me she doesnt give a second change...she doesn’t believe in second chances…she doesnt believe people can change....and she complies that she cannot get any good things in live, that life is not good, that she is being punished by making a mistake in past…
she doesn’t even realize, she doesn’t even want to see that I could change all her life, I could bring joy, light, happiness, magic, in her life, no…I am ex…
should I never speak to her again??? Should never see her again??? I don’t want to lose her…but I have the feeling I already did….that she is so lost that she cannot even see the door to her problems, she is so convinced that she need to everything alone, that she needs no one, that she confuses, being what is pure love and friendship with interest and second motives….what do you do when the person who means everything to you say to you....you are nothing...you have no value for me...i look at her....i am fine...i am able to resist....i can survive...i am much better....i dont enjoy listen to this....i dont understand how some one who told in July we will be friends for ever...now says to me...you are nothing...you are an ex....and she puts in the same level of people who were mean to her...i am ex…a discarded card…
i almost lost my control...and say to her..i love you....i will always love you...you are not happy because you let fear control you...you are so afraid to be happy....you are much looking at the dark....that you forgot how the sun looks like...but i didnt nothing...why....because if i done that, i would never would see her...how can i lose her??? how can i never see the must important person in my life??? Or should I have told her that, I know what would have been the result…every day I am more close to that moment, the moment were I am honest, I am true, and I will lose her for ever…
i will have a lot to think....i have to think if i open to her my heart...and move for ever from her life...its the must hard decision i have to take...but how can i hope..if the person i love doesnt want me...doesnt want to see me??? doesnt want to even go out to cinema with me???
i am ok....i am not going to do something stupid, i am not going to go crazy....i will sleep...i will be going to the gym in the morning...i will eat....i will try to enjoy the weekend....but life today lost most if its magic...lost most of its charm....
Anna, you dont believe people can change??? if you had gone out with me...you would have seen how much i change...but you will never know...you dont believe in second changes...i dont want a second change...i just want to start knowing you again...see like we are now together...we are not the same persons as before...we are now perfect for each other...you dont think you can have a good break in life??? i am here...i could open you to a magic life...to a wonderful life....but you prefer to stay in a dark room and dont come out and enjoy the sun, and prefer to say....my days are always dark...i dont get any sun...you dont let me show you the sun...you are afraid...you dont want to give me a chance....
This are very confusing times…if I was giving advice to a friend I would tell him, open your heart and leave…leave her forever…but how can I leave the most important thing in my life….
i dont know...i feel I have to life without any hope…I cannot even write in a proper way…tough times…
For me, is different, i dont label persons, i go out with people i enjoy the company, who i can laugh with, with whom i can have a good time, if its a old girlfriend, a colleague from work, some one i meet in a meeting, doesnt make a difference...its how i relate to this person, if i can have a good time or not...and me and Anna, the talk is easy, its fluent, there is no secrets...and yet....coffee..cinema no....i dont understand...either you want to see same one or not...so what is the difference betweene having lunch with me and not having dinner...its the time?? i dont understand...
How this words made me feel??? There is no words… because I always consider that we were friends, that what we life together meant something, that she would be happy to have some one by her side that would always would help her, who didn’t want anything in return besides knowing she is happy…no…I am an ex….i miss a meeting yesterday,…I had meeting..i didn’t even remember that I had a meeting….i was thinking…how can this person, this beautiful soul could be so cold…you are an ex….i am not an ex from yesterday…I am ex for more them a year and we never stop having lunches, dinners, going to places…no…not any more…
she told me she doesnt give a second change...she doesn’t believe in second chances…she doesnt believe people can change....and she complies that she cannot get any good things in live, that life is not good, that she is being punished by making a mistake in past…
she doesn’t even realize, she doesn’t even want to see that I could change all her life, I could bring joy, light, happiness, magic, in her life, no…I am ex…
should I never speak to her again??? Should never see her again??? I don’t want to lose her…but I have the feeling I already did….that she is so lost that she cannot even see the door to her problems, she is so convinced that she need to everything alone, that she needs no one, that she confuses, being what is pure love and friendship with interest and second motives….what do you do when the person who means everything to you say to you....you are nothing...you have no value for me...i look at her....i am fine...i am able to resist....i can survive...i am much better....i dont enjoy listen to this....i dont understand how some one who told in July we will be friends for ever...now says to me...you are nothing...you are an ex....and she puts in the same level of people who were mean to her...i am ex…a discarded card…
i almost lost my control...and say to her..i love you....i will always love you...you are not happy because you let fear control you...you are so afraid to be happy....you are much looking at the dark....that you forgot how the sun looks like...but i didnt nothing...why....because if i done that, i would never would see her...how can i lose her??? how can i never see the must important person in my life??? Or should I have told her that, I know what would have been the result…every day I am more close to that moment, the moment were I am honest, I am true, and I will lose her for ever…
i will have a lot to think....i have to think if i open to her my heart...and move for ever from her life...its the must hard decision i have to take...but how can i hope..if the person i love doesnt want me...doesnt want to see me??? doesnt want to even go out to cinema with me???
i am ok....i am not going to do something stupid, i am not going to go crazy....i will sleep...i will be going to the gym in the morning...i will eat....i will try to enjoy the weekend....but life today lost most if its magic...lost most of its charm....
Anna, you dont believe people can change??? if you had gone out with me...you would have seen how much i change...but you will never know...you dont believe in second changes...i dont want a second change...i just want to start knowing you again...see like we are now together...we are not the same persons as before...we are now perfect for each other...you dont think you can have a good break in life??? i am here...i could open you to a magic life...to a wonderful life....but you prefer to stay in a dark room and dont come out and enjoy the sun, and prefer to say....my days are always dark...i dont get any sun...you dont let me show you the sun...you are afraid...you dont want to give me a chance....
This are very confusing times…if I was giving advice to a friend I would tell him, open your heart and leave…leave her forever…but how can I leave the most important thing in my life….
i dont know...i feel I have to life without any hope…I cannot even write in a proper way…tough times…
Friday 17 February 2012
Very special day
this week there is a special day for me...its happens this week....is a special day for me, its a day i will keep for ever in my mind, its the day i gave my heart for ever, its day i start the best, most beautifull adventure, the journey that forever will mark my heart, the day i start my passion and love with Anna!!!
In 2003, since i saw her, I loved her, i am bad reading signs, i never understood how some one as beautifull, amazing as Anna could be interestd in me, she ask me many times why i didnt chase her back in 2003...she still thinks in that year of 2003 i was not interested in her....she cannot even dream how much i was interested in her, how much i loved her...but i was a coward, i was weak, i was afraid, i did consider love was not enough, i was going to move, i lived like in that time like it was in a place for x years...and them i would move..no ties...no more suffering...i had made a decsion of moving.....i dont want to attached me to nothing...i life like i was in a "prison" i did x year them i would go...i had a empty house, i didnt had a car, i didnt make any attachments to the place i work, i didnt do my sports, didnt make any effort to make friends, life like i would go and come..and leave nothing behind, and then there was Anna...she was there...i was in love...we once had a drink in a tiny place not far from where we worked...we talk about many things...i still can hear her say a story about her old cat, that she left with "family"...she said it was like putting a kid for adoptions, it was before we left...remember all the talks with had, what she was wearing...i want to kiss her...i want to tell her how much i love her...but i did nothing...why??? i didnt i say nothing??? why was such a coward??? i didnt want to suffer, i didnt want to let hope get in my heart, so i was coward...i say...have a good weekend...and went home....and run for 4 hours...i limp home with severe cramps...maybe she will remember saw me limping in the place we work...i would go running...desperate...i shave my head...i am not a kid, i work in a office...try to kill this void in me...i start chasing other girls...it was not love...it was to not think...i am ashame of me today...i should have go and say everything...i shouldnt have been afraid...and this is advice i give to any one who comes across this blog...dont be afraid, that risks, be truth to yourself...dont make the same mistakes i did!!! open your heart!!
i think she never trully understood how much she meant for me, she was afraid when we where together that i would be chansing this other girls...i only chase girls to try to close this hole in me...when i am with Anna, i dont need no one else, i dont see anyone else...i only have eyes for her....i never cheat...must of my friends...that after i start my love with Anna, they think i was turning gay!!! i refuse many girls...i dont cheat, i dont believe, no one will know....i will know, this is the most important for me, i know that i cheat the women i love, and i will never do that!!!
the lesson is simple, even if you think that you have no chance, dont wait, do hesitate, NEVER BE AFRAID TO LOVE!!!! fight for your love, it may be a desperate fight, maybe you will suffer...you may have to change your life, your routines, what you are use to do...leave your confort zone, leave the fear...take the chance...there is nothing better...more rewarding...more important them have the person you love next to you!!!
Even when i was with Anna i was still to attached to my routines...to my timetable...what a moron i was...what a stupid person...losing Anna show me that i was not the great person i think i was...no...i was a person who look to much for him, to my own interests...that i to self centered...now i move to be a better person...Anna even when she is not with me...even after she left me...she is still making me a better person..she is still bringing the best in me...i dont know when i see her beautiful face...hear her voice...i am waiting that she remembers i am here...that i am her friend...valentines day come and went, but valentines day is just a stupid comercial thing,
this day is very different, this is a special day a very special day, is a day i will never forget...i can see...i can feel like it was today...i can remember everything...there is no words to express what i felt, i cannot put in words the joy, the change in my heart, the next days were the must beautiful days of my life....the weather was awfull, it rain like it was biblical, it was cold and windy...but for me...it was the best days of my life...it perfect blue sky, that there was stars, that there was no wind, that everything is perfect, it all happen a few years....but i feel like it was 5 minutes ago...
If you are reading this...look at your life...you maybe thing you have a tough life...that your work is bad...that your partner is not making an effort...that money is not a lot...that you didnt went to right place in holidays...you dont have that big house you dream...the car...that your kids give you to much trouble...that your girlfriend wants to go out to much...that your boyfriend watch to much tv...etc...that is nothing...you have it all...do you have some one you loves you??? a family to return home??? do realise what you have??? do realise you have a tresaure in your hands??? you have the key to be happy, dont concentrate in the things that are material, those things dont mean nothing, see the love, see your partner, make them happy, dont take them for granted...dont waste your time in discussions...dont lose your time being stupid...love your partner, your kids...if you give love...open and true love, you can move the earth...you can make miracles!!!!
I am asking myself, today...did i dream all of this??? was all real??? i think so...i hope so....keep looking at my life..and i look at all the decisions i made...i dont regret almost nothing..even some pretty stupid decision i took...some of my close friends know what i talking about...i did what i think was right...and i dont regret them....even if now i know they where wrong...but with Anna, i dont regret giving her all my love, NEVER!!! what i regret is being coward, listen to the society ideias, to be proud, to think, i am man, man dont do this..dont do that...this is what regret some much...i regret not take my chance in 2003...i regret not follow her in the time she move...i regret not having a child with her...i regret never told her about my travel in to her country looking for churches...this is something i will write later...one day..its one of the must hard things for me....yes...i did check churches....my plan was to drive her therelike a secret travel and propose....on that day....how much life change..you plan the rest of your life with a person...it was our special day....i never told her...this is way today is so hard for me.......even now...even now that i am fine with me...that i am happy with life...i cannot think about this and not get tears....so so bloody hard day this week!!!!!
we only have one chance in life for many things, dont lose it because you lose track of the most important thing in life, which is, to trully love someone!!!!
In 2003, since i saw her, I loved her, i am bad reading signs, i never understood how some one as beautifull, amazing as Anna could be interestd in me, she ask me many times why i didnt chase her back in 2003...she still thinks in that year of 2003 i was not interested in her....she cannot even dream how much i was interested in her, how much i loved her...but i was a coward, i was weak, i was afraid, i did consider love was not enough, i was going to move, i lived like in that time like it was in a place for x years...and them i would move..no ties...no more suffering...i had made a decsion of moving.....i dont want to attached me to nothing...i life like i was in a "prison" i did x year them i would go...i had a empty house, i didnt had a car, i didnt make any attachments to the place i work, i didnt do my sports, didnt make any effort to make friends, life like i would go and come..and leave nothing behind, and then there was Anna...she was there...i was in love...we once had a drink in a tiny place not far from where we worked...we talk about many things...i still can hear her say a story about her old cat, that she left with "family"...she said it was like putting a kid for adoptions, it was before we left...remember all the talks with had, what she was wearing...i want to kiss her...i want to tell her how much i love her...but i did nothing...why??? i didnt i say nothing??? why was such a coward??? i didnt want to suffer, i didnt want to let hope get in my heart, so i was coward...i say...have a good weekend...and went home....and run for 4 hours...i limp home with severe cramps...maybe she will remember saw me limping in the place we work...i would go running...desperate...i shave my head...i am not a kid, i work in a office...try to kill this void in me...i start chasing other girls...it was not love...it was to not think...i am ashame of me today...i should have go and say everything...i shouldnt have been afraid...and this is advice i give to any one who comes across this blog...dont be afraid, that risks, be truth to yourself...dont make the same mistakes i did!!! open your heart!!
i think she never trully understood how much she meant for me, she was afraid when we where together that i would be chansing this other girls...i only chase girls to try to close this hole in me...when i am with Anna, i dont need no one else, i dont see anyone else...i only have eyes for her....i never cheat...must of my friends...that after i start my love with Anna, they think i was turning gay!!! i refuse many girls...i dont cheat, i dont believe, no one will know....i will know, this is the most important for me, i know that i cheat the women i love, and i will never do that!!!
the lesson is simple, even if you think that you have no chance, dont wait, do hesitate, NEVER BE AFRAID TO LOVE!!!! fight for your love, it may be a desperate fight, maybe you will suffer...you may have to change your life, your routines, what you are use to do...leave your confort zone, leave the fear...take the chance...there is nothing better...more rewarding...more important them have the person you love next to you!!!
Even when i was with Anna i was still to attached to my routines...to my timetable...what a moron i was...what a stupid person...losing Anna show me that i was not the great person i think i was...no...i was a person who look to much for him, to my own interests...that i to self centered...now i move to be a better person...Anna even when she is not with me...even after she left me...she is still making me a better person..she is still bringing the best in me...i dont know when i see her beautiful face...hear her voice...i am waiting that she remembers i am here...that i am her friend...valentines day come and went, but valentines day is just a stupid comercial thing,
this day is very different, this is a special day a very special day, is a day i will never forget...i can see...i can feel like it was today...i can remember everything...there is no words to express what i felt, i cannot put in words the joy, the change in my heart, the next days were the must beautiful days of my life....the weather was awfull, it rain like it was biblical, it was cold and windy...but for me...it was the best days of my life...it perfect blue sky, that there was stars, that there was no wind, that everything is perfect, it all happen a few years....but i feel like it was 5 minutes ago...
If you are reading this...look at your life...you maybe thing you have a tough life...that your work is bad...that your partner is not making an effort...that money is not a lot...that you didnt went to right place in holidays...you dont have that big house you dream...the car...that your kids give you to much trouble...that your girlfriend wants to go out to much...that your boyfriend watch to much tv...etc...that is nothing...you have it all...do you have some one you loves you??? a family to return home??? do realise what you have??? do realise you have a tresaure in your hands??? you have the key to be happy, dont concentrate in the things that are material, those things dont mean nothing, see the love, see your partner, make them happy, dont take them for granted...dont waste your time in discussions...dont lose your time being stupid...love your partner, your kids...if you give love...open and true love, you can move the earth...you can make miracles!!!!
I am asking myself, today...did i dream all of this??? was all real??? i think so...i hope so....keep looking at my life..and i look at all the decisions i made...i dont regret almost nothing..even some pretty stupid decision i took...some of my close friends know what i talking about...i did what i think was right...and i dont regret them....even if now i know they where wrong...but with Anna, i dont regret giving her all my love, NEVER!!! what i regret is being coward, listen to the society ideias, to be proud, to think, i am man, man dont do this..dont do that...this is what regret some much...i regret not take my chance in 2003...i regret not follow her in the time she move...i regret not having a child with her...i regret never told her about my travel in to her country looking for churches...this is something i will write later...one day..its one of the must hard things for me....yes...i did check churches....my plan was to drive her therelike a secret travel and propose....on that day....how much life change..you plan the rest of your life with a person...it was our special day....i never told her...this is way today is so hard for me.......even now...even now that i am fine with me...that i am happy with life...i cannot think about this and not get tears....so so bloody hard day this week!!!!!
we only have one chance in life for many things, dont lose it because you lose track of the most important thing in life, which is, to trully love someone!!!!
Saturday 11 February 2012
valentines day...no for me...
Valentines day, how much i hate this day, its there to show me how much i am alone, how much i miss my friend, my muse, my light, its like a day where you have the feeling, that you failed in life, that you are no good, that you must be defected, hey, you have no girlfriend!!! bloody day!!!
i get sick about this hearts i see every where, i get mad when people ask you, so where are you going to pass valentines day, i answer, at home!!!! drink a bottle of red wine...alone!!!!!
And February is even more tough for me, not a few days after valentines day, its the day i celebrate for many years, the start of my love with Anna, our first kiss, the first time i hold her hand as her boyfriend..this is not easy times for me...there is so many memories...so many dreams..so much hope...and now....what i have??? memories...hope is almost gone..i have almost no hope...how can you life without hope??? that is the worse, in my darkest moment, i always had hope, i hope if chance, if i move to close to Anna, if i show her that we could be friends, i would keep the change of see her, of talking to her, of see her child, i didnt hope more them that, for me that would be great!! i didnt hope for a her to drop in my arms, but i now this hope that we would be good friends...like we were for the last two years is almost gone...i dont understand...
how can you enjoy your days when the person you means everything to you, starts treating you bad? just i play the same game? no, i will never do that, in a case like this, i will simply stop see her...i would do this if i have to, but i will do it with a heavy heart, its like i get blind, my eyes will not be able to see the person they want more them everything in the world...
Valentines day...its like a punch in my face, in my stomach, its like life is looking at me...and say....you fail...you dont deserve Anna love....for the first time i see this day without any hope...without any good feeling...before..even when i was alone, i was fine...i knew...there is same one out there for me, i simply need to go and look..now...i found her...i found my ONE, and she is not with me...
if i could go back to 2003...that year where i fail...where i decide not to face what i feel...i move away...where i pretend nothing was happening,....that i didnt love her...that i was fine...and start chasing girls for all the wrong reasons...sex..to hide my feeling, to try to fill this void in my chest..if i could be back in 2003...i would have go to Anna house...and would screen...ANNA..MARRY ME!!!
but i cannot...that is not possible...in 2012, i would be happy...very happy just to have a coffee with her...life is a strange journey...
i was out...i keep going out....i keep going out with friends...but in look at girls...and i dont feel nothing...nothing...i keep thinking about Anna....
If you in a relationship, you have 4 days to make a declaration of your love...write a card, make a gift, the price is not important, give something from your heart...give a sign of your love...thinking about people like me...who have nothing...you have everything...dont lose it...dont thing life is better on the other side...its not...dont lose that person because you think your work, hobby, friends, sport, what ever....nothing is more important that your love...them the person you love...please...please..dont do like me...love....love for ever!!!!!
i learn my lesson...i will love forever!!!
i get sick about this hearts i see every where, i get mad when people ask you, so where are you going to pass valentines day, i answer, at home!!!! drink a bottle of red wine...alone!!!!!
And February is even more tough for me, not a few days after valentines day, its the day i celebrate for many years, the start of my love with Anna, our first kiss, the first time i hold her hand as her boyfriend..this is not easy times for me...there is so many memories...so many dreams..so much hope...and now....what i have??? memories...hope is almost gone..i have almost no hope...how can you life without hope??? that is the worse, in my darkest moment, i always had hope, i hope if chance, if i move to close to Anna, if i show her that we could be friends, i would keep the change of see her, of talking to her, of see her child, i didnt hope more them that, for me that would be great!! i didnt hope for a her to drop in my arms, but i now this hope that we would be good friends...like we were for the last two years is almost gone...i dont understand...
how can you enjoy your days when the person you means everything to you, starts treating you bad? just i play the same game? no, i will never do that, in a case like this, i will simply stop see her...i would do this if i have to, but i will do it with a heavy heart, its like i get blind, my eyes will not be able to see the person they want more them everything in the world...
Valentines day...its like a punch in my face, in my stomach, its like life is looking at me...and say....you fail...you dont deserve Anna love....for the first time i see this day without any hope...without any good feeling...before..even when i was alone, i was fine...i knew...there is same one out there for me, i simply need to go and look..now...i found her...i found my ONE, and she is not with me...
if i could go back to 2003...that year where i fail...where i decide not to face what i feel...i move away...where i pretend nothing was happening,....that i didnt love her...that i was fine...and start chasing girls for all the wrong reasons...sex..to hide my feeling, to try to fill this void in my chest..if i could be back in 2003...i would have go to Anna house...and would screen...ANNA..MARRY ME!!!
but i cannot...that is not possible...in 2012, i would be happy...very happy just to have a coffee with her...life is a strange journey...
i was out...i keep going out....i keep going out with friends...but in look at girls...and i dont feel nothing...nothing...i keep thinking about Anna....
If you in a relationship, you have 4 days to make a declaration of your love...write a card, make a gift, the price is not important, give something from your heart...give a sign of your love...thinking about people like me...who have nothing...you have everything...dont lose it...dont thing life is better on the other side...its not...dont lose that person because you think your work, hobby, friends, sport, what ever....nothing is more important that your love...them the person you love...please...please..dont do like me...love....love for ever!!!!!
i learn my lesson...i will love forever!!!
Monday 6 February 2012
language
Language??? what is this??? this was a reason for problems for me and Anna, we are from different countries, we both speak a similar language, but her child didnt, she spoke with her mother in their mother tonguer..and since she was small i talk to her in my my mother tongue, looks like a perfect picture, like the films, its not!!
as soon the child start to talk it become a barrier for us, all of us, if i was talking to Anna, she wouldnt understand and start asking what were we talking or doing naughty things to attract attention, when she was talking to Anna, i would miss what she said,.
I didnt learn her mother tongue, i didnt consider as necessary, big big mistake!!!! maybe this blog can safe one relationship out there, maybe this blog can help some guy or girl avoid losing the person they love!!! dont do stupid mistakes like me, if you dont speak the child language, dont wait for her to learn yours, go and learn, because if you dont, its more them just the barrier that it creates in the family dynamics, it robes you of the funny little things the child will say, it make you lose the little mistakes that kids say when they are learning to talk, it steals you have the joy of see a kid growing up, it makes you distant from some who should be a very important person for you!!!
learn the language its more them a show of love and respect, its a sign to the mother and the child, i am here, you can count with me, it helps bring the barriers between you and a child that looks at you and ask? who are you????? dont be stupid, go and learn, it will not be easy, but its very much rewarding!!!!
i am doing it now, i am taking lessons...now??? why??? because i want one day to say to the child of Anna, in her language how much i care for her, and that she have a family, a "blood" family, a mother, a father but she also have some one who will be there for her, for ever, she have another family, my family, that she will always be like "daughter" to me, and if she need anything, day or night, she can count with me!!!!
language is the way you can express what you feel, its a bridge between persons, so never think that language is not important, its a very important thing, i found that the last time we where all together...i was talking with Anna child, and i was discovering this amazing little person, and she was discovering me also, we where playing together, its like open a new world!!!!
So please, dont even think twice, any thing that can be a cause for separation between you and the person you love, should never exist, go and learn, dont wait like me!!
learn and discover how amazing a child can be!!!
as soon the child start to talk it become a barrier for us, all of us, if i was talking to Anna, she wouldnt understand and start asking what were we talking or doing naughty things to attract attention, when she was talking to Anna, i would miss what she said,.
I didnt learn her mother tongue, i didnt consider as necessary, big big mistake!!!! maybe this blog can safe one relationship out there, maybe this blog can help some guy or girl avoid losing the person they love!!! dont do stupid mistakes like me, if you dont speak the child language, dont wait for her to learn yours, go and learn, because if you dont, its more them just the barrier that it creates in the family dynamics, it robes you of the funny little things the child will say, it make you lose the little mistakes that kids say when they are learning to talk, it steals you have the joy of see a kid growing up, it makes you distant from some who should be a very important person for you!!!
learn the language its more them a show of love and respect, its a sign to the mother and the child, i am here, you can count with me, it helps bring the barriers between you and a child that looks at you and ask? who are you????? dont be stupid, go and learn, it will not be easy, but its very much rewarding!!!!
i am doing it now, i am taking lessons...now??? why??? because i want one day to say to the child of Anna, in her language how much i care for her, and that she have a family, a "blood" family, a mother, a father but she also have some one who will be there for her, for ever, she have another family, my family, that she will always be like "daughter" to me, and if she need anything, day or night, she can count with me!!!!
language is the way you can express what you feel, its a bridge between persons, so never think that language is not important, its a very important thing, i found that the last time we where all together...i was talking with Anna child, and i was discovering this amazing little person, and she was discovering me also, we where playing together, its like open a new world!!!!
So please, dont even think twice, any thing that can be a cause for separation between you and the person you love, should never exist, go and learn, dont wait like me!!
learn and discover how amazing a child can be!!!
Saturday 4 February 2012
Big question!
Today i meet Anna, things where good and not good, after i meet her, i have a big question in my mind, in fact its keeping coming to me, more and more, when should you quit? when should you stop?
this is neither an easy question, not at all, i hate this question, i hate this feeling, i have fear of this questions, but i most face it...when its time to say, i am walking out, i give up???
Life as always 3 parts, the professional life, the love life and our individual life...we all have 3 sides....the side that works, the side that loves and the side that tries to enjoy life...
i write this blog like i feel, so when i am happy i have a happy post, when i am sad its a sad post...i have many questions, i dont get any answers, i dont understand, i truly dont understand and this is the worse...
but i am a good job, its not easy, its tough, i still dont understand must of it, i try to do the best i can, but its a big battle, but my professional life is going well, i am well paid, i am good status job, i can say my professional life is doing quiet well, it improve a lot since i move to this new job!!! so in here i am happy!!
my life, my personal life..hey..i have a good apartment, i am eating well, i am in great shape, i look fine, i have friends, i have a great family, i am preparing to do lots of things in my sports, i am getting a lot of can say if i was not in this love dilemma i would be smiling like a kid!!! i do smile...i do laugh..i do feel fine!!!
but i miss love, i miss having some special in my life...i meet Anna, but she resists in meeting me, she avoids see me, in fact she prefer to stay alone in her house to see me!! maybe she has a boyfriend, and doesnt want to tell me...today i know she went out, i almost went to see her..to see who she was with...but i didnt..i am not like that...she told today..that if i was her friend things whould be easy, but i am her ex partner..i dont understand...when we broke up, she was super nice to me, if i come to her place, she would meet, we would have dinner...she would drive me to the airport...we were friends...close friends..person to whom you can say everything....
when i move here, i didnt expect that she would jump in my arms, i expect that we once time per week, go to the cinema...have dinner, share a laugh, enjoy a moment, but no, i dont understand, i was never bad to her, when we are together we are laughing...we are smiling, we share everything, i dont understand...
after she left me that saturday in the coffee place...in not a nice way, i ask myself, should i move of her life at all?? should i disappear?? is this what i want? no, i dont want that, i dont understand why we cannot be friends...we didnt split recently, i am here for her all the time, i help, i try to be a positive source..but is this the best i can do? to give on her, and move?? i can stop see her, i can stop talk to her, i can never say her name, i can remove her phone number, i can errase all her things....but i cannot stop what i feel, i cannot stop the say..Anna i dont care about you!!! i dont give a damn about you, this i cannot because its not real...its not true...i can walk away, but Anna will always will be in my heart, i can marry, i can have kids, i can get other women...i can even be happy with them, but my last breath, the last thing in my mind the day i die, will be for Anna, i maybe walk away, but i will love her always!
today i spoke to her about my blog, she ask me why i do it, i do it to express my inner feelings, and also, one day to show her, Anna will only will read this blog in two circumstances, like a engagement gift, or the day i disapear from her life, one will be a source of joy, the other would be a way for her to see how much i care about her....
I am man, i cannot understand women, if i was on her side, and i was alone, i would give a chance to some one who was special to me, and i be honest to say, if the things that move us apart where there, i would stop, but maybe this person changed...grow up...maybe this is now a different person, a person that life made better...this is me...life made me better, life made me understand things, i dont say to say, its true, i am better...i am not the same person as before!!! i am difference person!!!!! a person that is ready to bring joy!
I can accpet that she doesnt love me, i cannot understand why we cannot be friends...
Maybe i am rushing things...maybe i should let time pass by, maybe i should not try to meet her, maybe i am making a storm in a glass of water, i just say what i feel, i feel strange...
life in the two fronts are fine, i am ok, even in day like today where i raise all this issues..i will sleep, i will smile..i will exercise, i will be looking at the future!!!!
but the question is here...should i walk way??? i dont have an answer...and i dont like this question....
this is neither an easy question, not at all, i hate this question, i hate this feeling, i have fear of this questions, but i most face it...when its time to say, i am walking out, i give up???
Life as always 3 parts, the professional life, the love life and our individual life...we all have 3 sides....the side that works, the side that loves and the side that tries to enjoy life...
i write this blog like i feel, so when i am happy i have a happy post, when i am sad its a sad post...i have many questions, i dont get any answers, i dont understand, i truly dont understand and this is the worse...
but i am a good job, its not easy, its tough, i still dont understand must of it, i try to do the best i can, but its a big battle, but my professional life is going well, i am well paid, i am good status job, i can say my professional life is doing quiet well, it improve a lot since i move to this new job!!! so in here i am happy!!
my life, my personal life..hey..i have a good apartment, i am eating well, i am in great shape, i look fine, i have friends, i have a great family, i am preparing to do lots of things in my sports, i am getting a lot of can say if i was not in this love dilemma i would be smiling like a kid!!! i do smile...i do laugh..i do feel fine!!!
but i miss love, i miss having some special in my life...i meet Anna, but she resists in meeting me, she avoids see me, in fact she prefer to stay alone in her house to see me!! maybe she has a boyfriend, and doesnt want to tell me...today i know she went out, i almost went to see her..to see who she was with...but i didnt..i am not like that...she told today..that if i was her friend things whould be easy, but i am her ex partner..i dont understand...when we broke up, she was super nice to me, if i come to her place, she would meet, we would have dinner...she would drive me to the airport...we were friends...close friends..person to whom you can say everything....
when i move here, i didnt expect that she would jump in my arms, i expect that we once time per week, go to the cinema...have dinner, share a laugh, enjoy a moment, but no, i dont understand, i was never bad to her, when we are together we are laughing...we are smiling, we share everything, i dont understand...
after she left me that saturday in the coffee place...in not a nice way, i ask myself, should i move of her life at all?? should i disappear?? is this what i want? no, i dont want that, i dont understand why we cannot be friends...we didnt split recently, i am here for her all the time, i help, i try to be a positive source..but is this the best i can do? to give on her, and move?? i can stop see her, i can stop talk to her, i can never say her name, i can remove her phone number, i can errase all her things....but i cannot stop what i feel, i cannot stop the say..Anna i dont care about you!!! i dont give a damn about you, this i cannot because its not real...its not true...i can walk away, but Anna will always will be in my heart, i can marry, i can have kids, i can get other women...i can even be happy with them, but my last breath, the last thing in my mind the day i die, will be for Anna, i maybe walk away, but i will love her always!
today i spoke to her about my blog, she ask me why i do it, i do it to express my inner feelings, and also, one day to show her, Anna will only will read this blog in two circumstances, like a engagement gift, or the day i disapear from her life, one will be a source of joy, the other would be a way for her to see how much i care about her....
I am man, i cannot understand women, if i was on her side, and i was alone, i would give a chance to some one who was special to me, and i be honest to say, if the things that move us apart where there, i would stop, but maybe this person changed...grow up...maybe this is now a different person, a person that life made better...this is me...life made me better, life made me understand things, i dont say to say, its true, i am better...i am not the same person as before!!! i am difference person!!!!! a person that is ready to bring joy!
I can accpet that she doesnt love me, i cannot understand why we cannot be friends...
Maybe i am rushing things...maybe i should let time pass by, maybe i should not try to meet her, maybe i am making a storm in a glass of water, i just say what i feel, i feel strange...
life in the two fronts are fine, i am ok, even in day like today where i raise all this issues..i will sleep, i will smile..i will exercise, i will be looking at the future!!!!
but the question is here...should i walk way??? i dont have an answer...and i dont like this question....
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