listen to others?

When we face a situation in your life, sometimes we listen to others, our family, our friends, we talk, we listen, we trust their judgements, we listen to to what they say, and sometimes we do what they say!!

Last week Anna ask me for a favour, i didnt think, i didnt start thinking what was the right thing to do...i simply did what i felt right, i help!!! she need some papers..i get the papers, people may ask, why??? because i dont keep an accounting system, i do what i felt was right!

was i suprised?? yes, very, i never expect her to contact me, special after the last time we saw each other, where she didnt even look at me, considering the things she told me, i didnt expect this, but i am honest, with me, i dont have any anger, i help.

was it easy? no, i for a month keep trying to rebuild myself...not to think of her, hide her from my heart, and there she was, contacting me..

and after the papers what to do?? how to give them to her, i think, mail them, leave them at her mail box...yes, i could have done that, but i send her a sms, what she wanted to do? she aks me to meet her in our gym, i did think...it was wrong...i did what people told me to do, i was lisining to the voices of others, to the opinion of others, i was listen to many voices, which none was mine...i was trying to be the "hurt" part, try the approach...now you play by my rules....but i realise...it was not me...i was doing things how others expected...not how naturaly i would do...

i went, i saw her, i talk to her, i smile, i enjoy see her, she is so beautiful, she lights my life and yet i cannot let any of this come to me...i dont know what this means...maybe means nothing, just a favour...for me the best is the fact we can have a moment...a talk...a smile...that i no longer a stranger...

i know what all the people will say...my family...my friends...that i am stupid, weak...i am being manipulated...that she is bad...i dont care..this is life, i make my own choices, i listen to what others say, but i make my own choice!!!

i listen to my heart, to my soul, i list to what i feel, i did what i think was right, life is a long journey, and i dont want to lose the most precious person in my life because i become "proud" or "strong", life is is about forgiving, its about see the future and not the past, is about hope, its about joy, its about find the light, find your own path,

i dont let hope enter my heart, i dont try to see this as a new chapther, as show that i may still have a chance in the future...no...i keep living like i lived this last month....moving forward...alone...

when you have to make a choice, dont try to think about what other people would tell, what you are "expected" to do, what others think its right...what is the general expectation, just listen to your heart and soul, dont be proud, be human, be fair, be humble, be just, be forgiven and be yourself, listen to you, because its you who have to life with the decision you take, is not the others, its you, you will have to live for ever with your decisions, so listen, but in the end, listen to your heart and soul,

i did, i am happy i did, and would have be more more "easy" to be proud, to be "angry", but no, i was just me, and i am happy i did, i am happy that i had one more change to see Anna, to talk to her, to bring peace in my mind and heart!! i will help her always!!!

now? life goes on, alone, like before, facing the ocean, looking for my habour, looking for my star, moving on in my path, and doing it with an open heart!

how to forget?

this is the hardest decision in my life, this the must the sadest moment in my existance, i cannot express how i feel, i must have to "forget" Anna, i have to block her from my mind, pretend she is not here, that she is not living close to me, that we dont use the same gym, that we dont life in the same city...

i have to close my mind and pretend i dont see her in my heart, that i dont dream with her,that i feel nothing for her....but had else can i do??? what else can i try to do???  i cannot do anything else...i must move her aside...i must close my eyes, i must close my heart, i must be strong, i must be brave...when you face losing the person of your life all the rest becomes small and not important!!!

I told her, i couldnt be her friend, i didnt say what i mean...i could be her friend, she will be always a friend...i wanted to say, i want more them just be friend!!!! what wan to be the man of your life...but now doesnt matter, she banned me from her life...i live to forget, to rebuid myself...

i stop writing this blog, i write now for all the souls, who like me are lost in this fight, i am tired of internet advice, of book advice, of friends advice...its better for you...its her lost, you will be fine...there is lots of girls out there...be happy...have fun....do things you like...think about bad things about her...

i am fade of this advice, its crap!!! its full of made lines, of make believe soluctions, like we are all alike, that we all feel the same way...i need my way, you may need a different way, we all are different, we all are alone in this fights...i stop listen to others...i listen to my heart, to me, i am me...i am not a number...we are all different, we all do things in a different way...this lost will be with me for ever, and i am trying to be the best i can be to others, this is my way to cope with my lost, i try to help other people, in little or big things, i dont do it for a reward....not to impress, not to pretend i am good, i do it, so other have a better chance to be more happy them me...

can you forget??? i cannot, i dont think i could, the best is to try to learn to deal with this lost, to be realistic, to be honest, we try to forget, we lie to ourselfs..i am fine...i forgot her/him, lies...just a pack of lies, we dont, we see the person we loved..and we are touched...in pain...sad...angry...depend on who we are...but we dont forget...i dont try to forget...i try not to think of her...i try to avoid imagine my future...i try not to think about being alone...i try to find reasons to leave the bed every day, some days are an better, others not, there is no logic, just a fight, every day is a battle, but we should never give up....what will bring tomorrow?? next week, next month? next year? we never know!!! so every day is a fight, we should fight to be better..a better me, a me i can be proud off, a me that can inspire others...i am looking for one thing only life, i dont want money, fame...rewards...no, i am only looking for true love!

i was asked...will i forgive Anna??? forgive?? for what??? for showing me love? to be my star in the sky? there is nothing to forgive, there is nothing to be bitter, Anna was the best thing of my life, i dont regret nothing!!!

will i forget her? no, she wil be in my memores, in my mind...i will never will forget her, i will never will be able to love again like i love her, i will never again write a blog for no one....even if i one day i meet some one...it will never be Anna....but i will be able to life without her, this is a big difference...learn to life without the person who care more in our lifes...if you can do this...you can do anything!!!!

i am starting a new path in life...i path where i must learn to look to an empty road and try to see the future...life doesnt stop here...

what now?

I did think a lot before i wrote this post, should i carry on? should i stop? do i wake up every morning? yes do i still breath? yes...life goes on...i must not let this fate defect me, and i life is a fight...so lets keep fighting!

I still feel lost, i live without a course, i am like a boat in the ocean, without a rudder, without a port to go to, without a compass, i live day by day, navigate by what i see, trying to find a new port, a path, a rudder, a star to guide, to find joy and happiness.

i am disapointed, i am sad, the sadest thing for me, is some one to who i was always good, a friend, a lover, a help, now pretends she doesnt know me, this is a person to whom i talk about everything, that i love, who as the best part of me, that have a key from my house, now avoids me....

i always carried hope in my heart, more or less, there was always hope, there was a little hope that one day we would be together again...not any more, i lost all hope, and this hurts, it feels like i am blind, that i lost my eyes, that my best part is gone, that the women i love, is now pushing me away, avoids me, almost like she "hates" me, what to do?just carry on, keep living, find a way to life, find a way to move on...

how many of us had been here before? how many ask the same question? how many lost love ones?  milions...this is the moment where we show our true colours, its no money, job, fame that show our true colours, its in moments like this, where we lose everything, that we show how we are as persons, we see the sun still raising, we see the sky getting blue, we still eat, wake up, we see life doesnt stop, we must dig deep, we suffer, we have pain, but we must move on, its like we are walking in a desert, we have only to choices; keep on walking or stop and wait...if we stop and wait we die, we die every day, we stop living, we are just here, waiting for death, we are no longer a true person, we will become just shadows of yourself, or we can keep on walking, we dont know if we make or not, but we move, we start walking, we have no water, its hot, your feet hurt, you are tired, but you keep walking and you pray, hope on day you will find a place..same in life, by keep on walking we help others, we see new things, we give ourselfs a new chance, a new hope...so i will keep on walking!!

its not easy, its not simple, but its the only choice, keep moving, keep walking!!! i have to try to live without Anna, to put her away from my mind, can i do this??? i dont know, i have no answer, i miss her like mad, but will try, if you read my blog, you may say, i am not true to all the things i say here...i am being true to me, do i have feelings for Anna? yes!! i love her, i shoudlnt, but i still do, i have a having a tough time, i have a big hole in heart, but i am trying to hide from all of this, to forget how i feel, try to move on, i cannot have feelings for same one who pretends that it doesnt even know me..

i spend almost this last month, reading all this books about how to deal with break ups, i read a lot of them, written by guys, girls, they all say the same, be happy, do things you enjoy, forget, have fun...like you have switch in your heart, i dont, it will take time, you can read them, what they say may make sense, if you are not so deep in love with someone, if you dont feel that you are turning your back to the best thing of your life, to the love of your life, what i feel is pain, miseray, fun??? how can i have fun??? i can try to laugh, to see the good side of life, but fun?? i need time, i need my time, i dont have a magic power to be happy, i need to feel happy, i am walking this path, i am suffering, but i am still here!!!

what do i do? i exercise like mad, morning and evening, i push hard, so hard when i reach my bed time i am to tired to think about anything, to remember, i just close my eyes and count, this way i block everything else, i need to sleep, sleep is very important, so i count, 1,2, 3 and so until i fell a sleep, and it works, it blocks any other idea, if any other thing comes to my mind i blocket and kee counting, how much do i need to count, depends, the lowest mumber is around 150, the highest one is more them 7500!! but i sleep!!! and it the passing of the days its getting better...

i put all the things that remaind of Anna in a box, i put in a storege space, i shave my head, i use different clothes, i dress less formal now, i do new route to work, i stop going to places where we had been together, its about creating a "new" routine, a fresh routine, its about giving yourself a chance..

dont think its easy, its not, i dont know i long is going to take for me to be able to see and dont be affected, i dont know if this will happen, but i need to try...i may look ok on the outside, i may even look happpy, but there is a big void in my life, there is a feeling of emptiness...of lost...i hope time will help me...

a few weeks ago i was in the gym, like i do every sunday, my usual time, i do this since i am here, for almost 7 months, i never saw Anna, and that day she bumps into me, and i said hi, i say how is your day? she didnt even look at me, she avoid me, this is the sadest thing ever, why? if it was me doing this i could understand, its about survival? but her??she told she have no feelings at all for me!!! so why treating me like she doesnt know me??? it was very sad, i was not prepared for that, i was thinking we had a good conversation, that we could be in a "friendly" terms, it seens i was wrong...if we one day we would see each other i could treat her as friend....it was not good, i was messed up, i went home and i run and run, i run until i had cramps, until i couldnt move any more...

this was a few weeks ago, now i prepare my self, every day...to see her, to deal with her rejection, to be strong, its not easy, its not even fair, but i need to be able to survive, to carry on, its a new chapther in my life, a sad chapther...i wrote in my office wall, its looking at me every day, that i will not let life bring me now, i wwrote...I promise: that i will fight back, that i will find my star, my path, that i will bleed, be hurt, but i will rise, i will stand up, i will never give up an i will never quit!!

and i sign it!! when i get bad, weak, i look and read it!!!

what now? i may have no rudder, but i am not lost, i am guiding myself, its not easy, but i am moving, i have no port, but i am looking for a new destiny, i lost my star to guide me,but i am looking at the sky to find a new course, to a new path...

i will rebuid myself, i will fiind a star, a path, way to be happy, to find joy, to life every day, to be a person that finds a reason to wake every day!!

if you are my"sister" or "brother" in this ocean, we maybe in a storn, we maybe are afraid, we maybe feel the storm with conquer us, that we will never see a harbour, that we will not see good days again, that we lost our guiding star, look at yourself, look deep, and realise that we are not lost, we will find a harbour, we will find port, a place where there is a new hope, a new chance, we can see almost the shore, the wind is losing its power, the waves are small, so do like me, fight back, look at the storm, and shout, i will never be broken!!! i will survive!!!! i never quit!!! will not be broken!!! i will reach my port!!!