giving up?

I never consider this idea, giving up, giving up is more them give up on a person, its giving up on a dream, on a true love, on happiness, on everything you treasure more, it almost like giving up on life!

and yet i ask, should i give up??? why??? i am here since almost half an year...i try to be the best person for her, to be there, to support, to prove her there are man you are honest, loyal, supportive, that can help everytime she needs, but i dont know were i stand...in April things look they where improving, that we start going out, starting making plans to do thing, but them come May, and we took a step back...Anna went to a foreign country, i told i could pick her from the airport, she refuse....she didnt want to "take" my time....and its it was the "best regards" in a mail she send me....she always would send a more personal message...this is very impersonal....almost i am person she works with....

maybe i am not being fair...maybe i am making a bad case of nothing....but i am not feeling good...i am not having hope....maybe this is all i can get...a call here and there...a coffee...i sometimes feel i am back to the time i told i am ex....what i should do???

i ask my self...should i give up Anna, should i leave the women i love...the person who is everything to me? maybe i dont have another choice...maybe this is the way...one day i will have to make this choice...i cannot carry on with this love and only have pain in my heart....this doesnt mean i will forget her...i will never will do that....i will always love her...but i maybe need to move on....its like decide to go blind...but what can i do when my eyes dont see nothing? when my heart in pain? when my mind is hurting me? when i dream with Anna every night? i try to concentrate in work, i try to have fun, i try to live, but i always feel there is something missing....

most people are afraid to die...for me, today, i feel like death is a liberation, its way to stop feeling this pain, feeling this way....no....nooooooooooo....i am going to fight...i am not going down!!! i will fight back...i will rebuild myself....i will be go down fighting!!!

there is no line in the sand....no date in calendary where i decide its over...but i time is passing...it would be much more easier to know where i stand...friend....lover....maybe one day......nothing....ex....what i am to you Anna????

why get married?

marriage? why do people get married? what wearing a weeding ring means? i ask this question myself today, i had lunch in the gym, they have a nice place outside, i was eating and there was a family eating in the table close to me, the wife and husband and 3 girls, around 2 years old, maybe 6 and an older one 13/14, they didnt talk, they didnt look at each other, it was they were a group of stranger eating at the same table....

why people marry? i think we all marry for love!!! we all love each other in that day, we all believe in the love that units us, but what happen after?

I think a lot about marriage, as expression of love between two persons, not like a contract, not like something you have to do, no, like a show of dedication, a way to express to the other person, i am here for you for ever, you are the most important thing in my life, i love you!

marry someone should be about the force that unites us, that brings us together, its more them just one day, its more them just legal status, its two souls that decide to start a journey together, for ever!!

people live all their lifes side by side and not be married, and be happy, but why people are afraid of getting married? they are afraid things will change??? its not going to church for one day that makes you different, its the fact that you start treating the other person as a "done" fact, that you take the other person for granted, we all hear the stories, he/she was so nice when we were dating and now....why??? its because we stop making an effort...like that family next to me on sunday...i want to shout at them....are you stupid???? dont you see what you have??? dont you value each other????

maybe they will tell their friends how tough life is....but what they do to change it?? nothing, they play with the phones, the computers...the paper...

I know i will never be like this, i know the value of each day, of the little things...of daily effort, but i am not married, i dont know if one day i will be....do i want to be married? yes!! I am afraid? of course not!!!

do the fact of wake up with the same person scares me??? nooooooo.....there is nothing that i want more them wake up every day at Anna side!!!! there is nothing bettter them see her every day, to be with her, to share her good moments, help in the tough ones...this is what i want from life, the best to show my commitment, my love, my dedication, care, joy would be marry her!!!

there is no doubt, no hesitation in here, if i could i would marry her tomorrow, i would be there at her side for ever...

if you read this blog, see marriage not as end, but as start, a door to a even better life, a place where where heaven is made by you and your love, see this as a celebration of love, not a formality, a social thing, no...weeding show the entire world that you love this person, that you want her/him, only her, only for you, for ever!!!!! see being happy as a blessing, the best thing that could happen to you....but dont forget, the life doesnt stop in that day, the effort, the love, the caring that you gave to reach the weeding should be the same that you treat your partner every day after that!!!! love is not something you can store, you have to enjoy it , believe it, caring it, every day!!!!

take my words, and conquer the person you love and show that she is the only one for you, ask her to marry you!!!!!

i dont know where life will take me, i dont know how will be my future....i dont know if i will be blessed with a weeding day, but my wish ins one...I want to change only one thing in Anna, her last name, i want her to be my wife...for ever!!!!!!

what can i expect?

I keep asking myself, what can i expect? can i hope that one day i will have the love of Anna back in my life? there was a few moments last weeks that i think, YES!!! but there a lot now that maybe me question..maybe i cannot have Anna back in my life!!!

I am doing my best, to support, to be a friend, to be there, to try to bring joy, happiness support, love to her, but it looks like its not enough....maybe she can be friend...i love her to be my friend...i enjoy see her, i feel happy that we can be together and have a nice dinner, a laugh, a mad conversation about nothing, love see her sleep in my car on the way back from a concert, i love all of this, but i as see my heart wants more...and more....i want to be in her life all the time, i want to kiss, to be her man, her husband, the father of her kids...

i know that once i promise her that i would be her friend...that i had no secret plan....its true...i try..i really try....but i cannot...i love her to much...i love her so much that she has a power over me that i dont even like to admitted...i know i have to be patient...to take each day with calm...but it not easy.....i am afraid one day i will lose my control and tell her how much i love her...and i am afraid for what will happen after that...but i am starting to think...can i life like this??? pretend i dont love her??? that everything is fine??? i smile...what a mess my life is!!!!!

i have a long time friend who is inviting me for an holidays with her...she want to have a relationship with me...if i was not in love with Anna i would give it a try, even if this meant moving to a different continent...to land down under...if i go in holidays with her...i know nothing will happen...but even like this i feel guilty..its like i am cheating on Anna....by the simple fact i am having holidays with another women...its not good....i know...love is not an easy feeling...

i am also annoyed because i am not recovering from my physical pains...if i was ok...i would be running like mad...i would in the gym pushing like a maniac...i pray a lot...and sometimes i think God is not listen to me...that he forgot me...i dont know....i feel like every day is test...a endurance event i need to suffer, i dont know...there is a lot of unknowns in my life....can i expect a happy end?? can i expect to be able to cook for Anna and her child???? can i expect to get one day on my knee and ask her to be my wife for the rest of my life??? i hope Anna will understand....she have me here for her, for ever, a man that will be her diamond for life...she shouldnt be looking for rocks when she have the perfect person for her in me...but this is not my choice...its her choice...

spring is coming...i hope my love will give me a chance to bring the sun in her life!!! 

Passion

How we life our lifes??? do we live with passion, do we try to make a difference, do we try to make sure that when we die with lived a full life?

Are passion about what we believe? are we ready to fight to the end for what we care? for the things we love?? for the people we love???

I maybe not very good in writting, i was not very good in expressing what i felt when i was living with Anna, i hope she understood my love, but i was maybe not so clever in showing this, i always life with passion, i was always happy, full of life, until i lost my love, them i stop having passion in my heart, i was a shadow, i fake impression of who i am, i stop being me, i stop living with passion.

Is life easy??? no, life is not easy, but this is no reason not to live!!! life is hard, life is bloody hard, we have to look around, we need to fight, same of us have love, others have it not, some have hope, others are in the shadows, but we all have a choice, all of us have a decision to make, how i will life??? will i stand up and fight, will i live with passion? will i keeping on fighting? even when the situation is desperated? when it seens that there is no future?

i made my decision last year, i will fight, i will go down fighting, i stop fighting, i let life roller me over...not any more, i now i dont care what are the odds, what other people tell me, i keep fighting, i keep pushing...why? what makes me do this? the answer is simple, love!!! i love Anna, she makes me better, she makes me excel myself, she brings the good in me, if you ask, hey, she doesnt love you!!! why are doing this??? because its the right thing to do, because i believe that is the right way to life! I life acording to my principles, my values, my word, i life according to what i say in here, is not easy, its not easy at all, but i cannot change who i am!

life like this is a bit like a roller coaster, but i know, we all want to live, not just spend time in here, we all die, so lets life with a reason, with love, with honor, with honesty, in a way that you can tell all the days to person you love and know she/he will be proud of you, every day, not ashamed!!!!!

so life with passion, life with love, I life with passion, this doesnt mean i am always happy or glad, no, i simply do things with committement, with love, it believe!!!! what is the reward i expect? none, i dont nothing to expect a reward, i do things because they are the right thing to do!!

i hope, this is a different thing, that one day i can bring my passion to the life of the women i love!!! i hope i can bring this to Anna!!!

one day...

One day...how many of us said this??? one day, i will..one day i would...one day...i...we all said milions of times, one day....we make promises, to others, to us...we promise one day....like by magic on day one day all our problems, our fears, our issues would be solved...magic....no....we shouldnt said one day...we shouldnt said one day i will....we should say...today i will, now i will...now i do...its how we live life that makes a difference.

I dont promise things i will not do, i will not say..one day i will be good...no...i will be good....i will buy the lamp....the supermarket...this is the difference...

i dont expect my life to chance one day...i work every day to change it, i dont wait for the day...because that day may never come, we should fight for what we want!!! we should fight for what we feel....there is not logic in this fight, there is no plan....i fight with all my heart, its logical decision, its not a decision that i think, no, its same thing i feel, i must fight, i must be honest with me, i was myself during the last days, what is more important for me???? money??? my job????...no, the must important thing for me is Anna love!! that is the most important thing in my life!! its a simple thing, i am being honest, i am being true, i not hiding behind words behind the cliches, this is the pure and more honest true!!

i did a long slow row in the gym, two hour, it gives you lots of time to think, i was thinking, i could have a bilion euros and my life wouldnt be any better, i could have more material things, but i dont want more material things, i have enough, i have plenty, i want love!! its very simple, it changes the way you see life, i dont longer run after the material things, i dont longer care about the "toys", now i care about love, about being a good person, a person what Anna could be proud!! yes, maybe i give her to much "power" over me, but i have love in my heart, is true...she is magic to me...she is my light...my morning star, my sun!!!

what is our future???? i dont know...i have hope...i have fear....there is days i hope, there is days i have no hope and lots of fear...its a rollercoster...but this is how life should be...i live not for one day....i live to today, i live to be good...i work for i want, i fight for what i want, for what i feel in my heart...i life with honesty in my heart, and love it also!!!

I will never will stop fighting, i will never will gave up, i dont say one day....i say...today, tomorrow, for ever, i love Anna, and there is nothing i wouldnt do to make her happy, to make sure she have a magic and joy in her life..not one day...but every day, all her life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!