Fear...

Fear, one of the basic feelings of life, it keeps us in perspective, it avoid us of making some decisions, fear is a bad feeling, i was afraid, afraid to express what i felt, what i wanted, what i wish...

i was afraid of taking risks, of moving here when my love moved here, i was afraid to open my heart in 2003, what all this fear lead to????

how many of us feel fear today, of telling this person you watch, you love, and you are afraid to say, i love you!! how many of us are afraid of changing jobs, of following the one you love???

why??? why are we so afraid??? we are afraid because we are taught not to take risk, to be self centered, to think things will be ok, that life shouldnt be with risk, we are afraid of getting hurt, of feel pain, you not getting what we want...so we lie, that everything is fine...that you dont love this person, that you like your job...

and life hits back like a thousand bricks!!! you see the person you love move with some one else...you see your chance move away...and you ask yourself...why??? you say...life is so unfair!!!! but, what did you do?? did you did everything you could??

i was afraid...i had fear..i paid the price...the price i paid is the most heavy price...i lost the love of my life...yes, i learn from my mistakes...i will never do the same, i will never again fear take control of my life...

this is why i keep writing this blog, its a way i can clean my soul, and help some one out there, i read to much crap on the net, on books, the basic message is the same...you..YOU...YOU...life is all about you...about your need, your wants...NOOOOOOO...life is about sharing, is about making others happy...its about be able to be honest with you..its about not be afraid of taking risk...

so please forget your fears and take the risk..will you end with what you want??? i dont know...you dont know...but if you dont try, you lose twice, you will carry on in life asking what if??? and you will lose what you want for lacking of trying!!!

will you be hurt??? maybe...but life is not a walk in the park...its a run in the mountains...you will fell you will hurt yourself, but you will be alive!!!!

me??? i have no fear...none...i have zero fear, at all levels of life, i lost everything...i dont speak about material things...this dont matter, i lost the things i treasure more, Anna and her child, they were everything for me, now i have nothing, this took the fear away from me....its a strange process...

yesterday i after work, i went to ride my mountain bike...i recently fix my bike, the breaks were not working, the i went to try it...on a very hard downhill, my breaks stop working, doesnt matter if you press the breaks or not, nothing really happen.....i could see the trail getting narrow and i could see the corner going, i know i wouldnt make it, i try to break with my feet on the rear wheel....i didnt make...i felt...my front wheel is garbege, i broke my helmet...my left harm is blue and black bruise....i have still a bit of pain when i breath...i think i have a broken rib...and i didnt felt nothing...there was not this fear feeling, no moment think...this is going to hurt.....i knew i was going to crash, that would be a big crash and...nothing...no feeling...there was no fear, no feeling, yes, there was blood, and pain, but its the pain you have from your body....physical pain, this is a different thing...

why??? i am on a sort of death wish???? no...i simple need time to feel again...you have love, a reason to life...you will have fear...now i have none...there is no fear, nothing....just a empty feeling...

life is a journey, i am will keep walking my path, but if you are in crossed road of your life, if you have love and are afraid of expressing your feelings to that special person...dont wait for tomorrow, for next week...do it...do it now!!!! please!!!!! you dont want to feel what i feel now!!! be brave, love!!!

part of me died saturday!

The best part of me died on saturday, i meet Anna, to give her some legal papers...we talk and she told she meet some one..that she is in love...that he is good for her...what can you do when you hear something like this??

you close your mind, your heart, you try your best yellow smile...you try not let tears role in your face and try to make sure you voice doesnt betrays you and i say...i am happy for you, i hope you will be very happy! i am happy??? this is the biggest lie of my life, i am happy??? hell no..i am not happy, i am beyond sad....this is the thing no one wants to hear...that i hope she is happy is true....i told her...if this guy doesnt treat you right i will break his legs! i am not a bully, i am not this bouncers in night clubs, i am regular guy who works in a office...would i break is legs?? why did i said that???i dont know..maybe because if some one hurts Anna or her child in any way...i would propably do much worse them breaking legs...is this a racional thinking? is this what you are supposed to do???? of course not, but if some guy hurts Anna on purpose....i dont know....

I expect this to happen one day...not so soon...but i cannot do nothing...i hope Anna dont rush things and marry this guy...or have a kid...if this happen i prefer not to know...i prefer not to know this is happening...yesterday i had a feeling i fail...i fail in life...it the first time i felt i am failure...that i fail in the most important thing of my life....i lost Anna...yesterday felt i fail in life...all the things i have...i achieve, meant nothing...i lost the only think i cared, the only thing that is totaly important for me...did i lost her just yesterday??? or a few months ago...or a few years ago??? you lose a person when you lose hope....and you lose hope, you lose this persons...i lost Anna, more them once...but there was always a little hope...life always brought us together...so many times..that i start to believe there would be hope...even now....now i lost it...and its for good...now hope is lost...now i am alone in this world....

the strange part is life, the past is the same, i cannot change it, but today if i look back in my life, we see life with different eyes, depends a lot in the moment you look, today i have a feeling i failed, i failed in the most important thing of my life...that my love was not enough, that you can have all the right feelings and you dont get any chance to show them, to prove to the person you love her so much, how we would be great together, today i feel...i am a totaly failure...

i am not at peace...i am not at peace at all...the best part of me, the light of my life is gone...i am trying really hard not to let darkness enter my heart, i am trying to find a good in this day...i went out after that talk with Anna...i had dinner with a friend...today i went to do my sports with another friends...this is the best thing...i have friends who are helping me in this hour...it a dark hour..its a closing time....i have to close Anna in my heart, i cannot wait any more...i cannot hope any more...i cannot think..one day...no...i have to close Anna...i was even thinking to close this blog, my facebook account...quit my job, and leave, leave for a place no one knows me, where i know no one...but i decide...no...nooo...i have a job...i have friends..i am not a quitting person....i will move on...i will move away from pain....

the best of me is dead...but i am still alive...i am still here...i am still in my feet....my soul is hurt, but its not lost....tomorrow is a new day, everyday will be a new hope, a new start, i have plans....i am plans for me...i am plans for my future...soon i will start a epic journey....i will walk 500 kms in 10 days...i am ready...i am ready mentaly for that...i will carry a book with me...a blank book which i will fill every day with my hopes, pain, and memories, i will take photos...i will see this as a new start of my life...i will start soon...early next month...i need to book a plane, get some materiaal...i cannot go like this....life is a strange process.....can i hope with any future happiness in my life??? love??? right know i am in a dark phase, its painful, you lie to yourself, you say i am fine....but you are not...

i am going to pray, i am going to ask God about a lot of things....maybe He can listen, if you come across this blog, please, pray for me, ask God to touch my shoulder and give me peace and dont let the darkness enter my heart.....right now i have to much darkness in my heart...this is not good...

Why i write this blog?

For a moment i decide to stop this blog, it was after Anna ask me to leave her life, i stop, them i decide to continue to write, why? why i decide to carry on???

why? i keep going, because writing this blog is a way to say everything i cannot say in real life, i dont need to pretend everything is fine, i dont need to put on a show, its a way to be able to express everything that i feel, to help in my recovery process, this is the most honest part of me, in here, everything is true, i dont have to pretend, i can tell everything!!!

will i stop one day?? i dont know, maybe one day i will stop, or not, but i aslo keep writting so others can learn from my mistakes, so i can do a bit for others, to help others, to try to avoid to others the pain i endure, the pain i suffer

there is no hidden interests??? i could say no, that i have no plan, there is not secrets, i wouldnt be totaly honest, i can say, with full honesty, i write to help me, to make me get ride of all the things that are in my heart and soul...maybe, in the back of my mind i keep writing hoping one day Anna will find or read this blog and realise that there is a person in here you will love her for forever...i know this would change nothing, i know i lost....but i this writing helps me, so i keep on writing, for Anna, for me, for all the other people who are in the same situation as me...

i keep on writing, its my way to deal with pain, to deal with lost, its a way to tell any one and no one the things that goes in my head, my friends, dont want to listen to me, they dont understand my journey, my love, maybe if i was in their shoes i wouldnt understand it either, that is way i write, that is a way i express this feelings, its also a therapy, it makes me more calm, it helps me show how much i lived, how much my life changed, its a a road map for the future, so i dont do the same mistakes in the future...

whyi keep writing about me and Anna,you can say, hey...she doesnt care about you!!! i dont mind, i dont control what other people feel, just what i feel and i most be honest with myself...and keep this blog alive i keep expressing everything it comes to my head, to my heart, maybe one day i can show this to Anna child and show her i didnt leave her, that i was pushed out, maybe she can see me with a different eyes, not like some one who abandon her and her mother....maybe one day she can understand...

i also write to people who come and read this, you are not alone, you are not the only person going through hell, there is other people out there, and we keep fighting back we keep falling, but we keep also rising, we are in pain but we wear a smile in our lips, we dont show how much pain we feel, we keep saying...i am fine...its a lie, but we hope, deep in our soul, that one day its not just a line....its reality....this blog is a true picture of me, how i am, what i feel...this is me without the mask....

so i will keep writting...until the day i stop...so why i write??? for a simple reason...love!

back to your home

I start asking myself this question yesterday while i was at work, it was getting late and i was asking myself, why i dont go home, this is a question we all ask yourself, the day is long, why dont we return home??

the question is what returning home means to you? do you want to return home to have a nice comfortable place, a place where you can rest, enjoy your music, read a book, watch tv??? is return home a sort of stress??? broken relationships, tough kids??? for each one of us return home has a meaning, a meaning that only each of us can relate to

what means return home to me???? now is a comfortable apartment, where i can rest, but doesnt feel anything special, its not because is not huge, its not because it doesnt have a sea view, this things may look important, but they arent, for me return home for a moment of my life meant return to the persons i love, it was the best part of the day, it was a joy, it was a moment i wait all day, i would see the two most precious persons for me!! it was not the size, the view, it was the human touch, the feeling of there is a place in this planet where i was trully at peace, trully happy!!!

now this is over, i have a place of my own, its ok, but i am not chasing a big apartment, a sea view, the huge tv, the super cool sofa, no, house is just a place i come to rest, a place to sleep, there is no connections, no magic, this magic is the share of space with the persons you love, how many of us, loss this on the way to get a bigger house, a sea view, a larger car, why???????

are we so lost that forget that the most important things in our lifes are not the size of our houses, the size of our wallets, the size of our cars???

when i was with Anna, i didnt work late, i was always eager to return home, i remember one time i was out, to do an audit, i was driving back is a monster rain, i couldnt almost see, i was driving at 30 kms per hour in the highway, and it was pretty safe because every one had stop, no one was driving, just me, i couldnt stop, i had a reason to come home, i had love!!!

I see to much people avoiding going home, chasing money, chasing material things, and them they complain that they have a stressful family life, how cannot you have one??? you dont take care of the most important thing in your life, the persons you love!!!! stop, stop while it still time, forget the work, the money, and return home, return home totaly!!!!

i have this dream, i dream it still today, i dream that one day i return home and i have Anna and her child waiting...i would only ask...please, stay forever!!!!!! i can only dream!!!

return home, for me is nothing, is tv, music, a book, for many is so much more, can you see the value of what you have??? can you put a price in love??? and yet people do it every day..for a larger house, a sea view...dont be stupid, dont be a fool...fight for what is important, your love!!!!