Christmas is a special time, for me it not about the presents, its about being with the ones you love, the family, the special people in your heart, i see this christmas in two ways, as the close down of a period of dark clouds in my life and a open of a new life!!!!
i hope by next christmas my blog will be different, will be a song of joy, of sharing a life, of a the creation of a family, this is the wish for me, this is what i will ask for my christmas present!!! was i good enough for that??? i hope so!!! i did a massive effort for good, and its something i dont stop now, and i will never stop, i made a promise to myself, i promise to be honest, to be pure, to be happy and to be strong!!! i promise i will never cheat, i will never play games, i will life to that!!! i am living to that!!!
this last two days i show that i can keep with this promise, i was approach my one of colleagues to start an affair, she told she like me, she had feelings for me and since i was leaving we could have a affair...nothing important...just an affair...but she is married...i am not married...i dont have a girlfriend...so i was not cheating no one...but i was part of a game...of something i would start and where it would end no one knows...and i dont love her..i dont feel nothing....sex? no! i want more them sex, i want love!!!!
i am going to move, i am not sure when i can make my next post, but it will be in the same place where Anna and her child life...i can see the stars and know we will be both be looking at the same sky, that will see the same sun...share the smell of rain...and that i can see her...this is great feeling for me!!!
should we be just friends???? we are just friends!!!! i am there as her friend...as her support...i am honest and i be pure...and i hope God can look at me and say, you will have a second chance...they say true love conquers all...my love is true and pure....so maybe i can find love again!!! this is christmas we always hope in time...so lets hope...lets pray...and be honest, pure and true!!!
i am maybe the last of dying breed, the last of the romantics, the last of the ones you trully believe in love, in one person for ever and that is better to fight for what he believes!!! there is this magic phrase....accept what you cannot change...change what you cannot accept... i cannot change the fact that after the day will come the night, that we go old, that during our lifes we will lose ones to death....but i cannot accept that life is about cheating and affair...no...this i cannot accept..and i will work to find...true love!!!!!
i know this is for me, this is my way to express what i trully feel...but if you came across this blog in this time...light a candle for me, pray for me, ask good to give me a change....and have a merry christmas!!!
Saturday 24 December 2011
Tuesday 20 December 2011
on the way
I am starting a new chapther in my life, time is running down, its fast, its amazing how fast can move, i am chancing my life, i am changing my job, we have a say, new new year, new life, and this year its not literal, its reality, new job, apartment, city, country, gym, it may say i will change everything, maybe i change a lot, but there are things you dont change.
In this days i am closing down a life in here and be ready for the move, during the mad rush you think also a lot, can you change??? maybe change is not the right word, i didnt change, i look at the mirror i am the same, i didnt change when i say i will never cheat the women i love, i dont change in the values i consider right, i didnt change in the way i view the world, i didnt change in believing in do the right thing independent what people my think of you or what will be the costs...
and yet i i change, i am so much tolerant, more open, ready to share, learn to see the other side, to be able to realize you need to share, you need to be there, you need to be a friend, to be source of help, of joy, i took a look back as this year is coming to an end, and i realize i move a lot, this year 2011, was not good for me, it was full of pain, suffering, devastation, miseary, but...and its a big but, it open the door to my heart, of my mind, and maybe of my life, its a year i will never forget, this year which i start being fully convinced of everything, of my ideas, of my views of the world, of what was right and wrong...i will finish with a view that in fact i have much less black and white views, i learn a lot about me, i learn a lot about life, about love, about what is really important in life, if you ask me...what you want for christmas, i would say what i want more them everything in life is that the women i love, loves me back, that simple...love!!!
i see during this days the mad shopping, the expensive gifts and i ask how much of this gifts are being bought not with joy, not to give joy, just to prove you spend a lot of money...are you giving the biggest of all to the persons you care??? are you giving them true friendship? love??? this is what i give, i hope them see that, that i would do anything for the people i trully care, one person i know, its not a friend, he couldnt be my friend, his wife as lung cancer and he could give her a lung, and he is not sure, because he races bikes on the weekend and he is not sure how this will affect this performance...i was speaking with him and 3 other guys in the gym...and i was shocked that no one said..you are a fucking bastard!!! i said it!!! they all look at me like was mad...i would have done this before even the doctor said the phrase....how can you carry one living in a situation like this????? what are we living in today???
this is part of that change, maybe i "change", improve, grow up, saw the "light", i am a better person, i am better with me, i hope i will be better with others, i hope that my christmas wish will come true, love!!!!
i dont have it now, but i have hope!!!!!! 2012 will be a love year!!!!
In this days i am closing down a life in here and be ready for the move, during the mad rush you think also a lot, can you change??? maybe change is not the right word, i didnt change, i look at the mirror i am the same, i didnt change when i say i will never cheat the women i love, i dont change in the values i consider right, i didnt change in the way i view the world, i didnt change in believing in do the right thing independent what people my think of you or what will be the costs...
and yet i i change, i am so much tolerant, more open, ready to share, learn to see the other side, to be able to realize you need to share, you need to be there, you need to be a friend, to be source of help, of joy, i took a look back as this year is coming to an end, and i realize i move a lot, this year 2011, was not good for me, it was full of pain, suffering, devastation, miseary, but...and its a big but, it open the door to my heart, of my mind, and maybe of my life, its a year i will never forget, this year which i start being fully convinced of everything, of my ideas, of my views of the world, of what was right and wrong...i will finish with a view that in fact i have much less black and white views, i learn a lot about me, i learn a lot about life, about love, about what is really important in life, if you ask me...what you want for christmas, i would say what i want more them everything in life is that the women i love, loves me back, that simple...love!!!
i see during this days the mad shopping, the expensive gifts and i ask how much of this gifts are being bought not with joy, not to give joy, just to prove you spend a lot of money...are you giving the biggest of all to the persons you care??? are you giving them true friendship? love??? this is what i give, i hope them see that, that i would do anything for the people i trully care, one person i know, its not a friend, he couldnt be my friend, his wife as lung cancer and he could give her a lung, and he is not sure, because he races bikes on the weekend and he is not sure how this will affect this performance...i was speaking with him and 3 other guys in the gym...and i was shocked that no one said..you are a fucking bastard!!! i said it!!! they all look at me like was mad...i would have done this before even the doctor said the phrase....how can you carry one living in a situation like this????? what are we living in today???
this is part of that change, maybe i "change", improve, grow up, saw the "light", i am a better person, i am better with me, i hope i will be better with others, i hope that my christmas wish will come true, love!!!!
i dont have it now, but i have hope!!!!!! 2012 will be a love year!!!!
Friday 9 December 2011
december
This december start a new approach, a new start in my life, i will leave my old job, i will leave my house, my country and move, move to a new job, apartment, city, country, its a fresh start, and the best thing of all of this is i will be near Anna.
I will life in the same city, in place we can see each other, were i hope we can enjoy a good time, i saw her, and i am not lying, i am not trying to play any games, every time i see i think, that i am close to the most beautifull girl in the universe, i smile, i feel like am take the world, that i the most lucky guy in the world to be there talking to her, is this love? i am still in love????
Yes, no, yes, no, i dont know, i have all this feelings, if she ask me back, i would say yes, in a blink, and yet i can survive if she say she doesnt want me, i dont want to build any expectations, i dont want to build any hope, i cannot confuse her being a friend to me, to a sign that she wants me back, its not easy, but its reality....
I will always love her, i will always have her in my heart, but i cannot be the guy who waits for ever to never to be called, to never have a second change, that i put all my life on hold to be confronted one day to Anna having a boyfriend or a husband...or even worse, to see her being alone and dont want you, i have to see how this change in place, in meeting her on a regular base, on us see each other now, to see how we changed, how we were shaped by current events, how we are now, maybe we are not going to together again, or maybe we are now perfect to each other, who knows????
what i know is december is the month of my birth, and last year, it start bad, it was like omen, it was like a sign that this december of 2010 to december 2011 would be what i can consider the worse year of my life, it was the only time in my life i lost hope, total lost of hope, i hit rock botton....this last days, this moments i have hope, i have a reason to believe life will be good....so i have a different sign, a different light, so maybe this will be like they say, after the storm will come sunny days, maybe i am ready to enter the sunny days!!!
life is not a easy road, its worth travel for, we should never stop fighting for what we believe, we should fight until the last breath we have, never stop, never quit, and if its for love, it until the day we die!!!!
i like this december, i have hope, i have joy, i have a reason to live!!!!!!
I will life in the same city, in place we can see each other, were i hope we can enjoy a good time, i saw her, and i am not lying, i am not trying to play any games, every time i see i think, that i am close to the most beautifull girl in the universe, i smile, i feel like am take the world, that i the most lucky guy in the world to be there talking to her, is this love? i am still in love????
Yes, no, yes, no, i dont know, i have all this feelings, if she ask me back, i would say yes, in a blink, and yet i can survive if she say she doesnt want me, i dont want to build any expectations, i dont want to build any hope, i cannot confuse her being a friend to me, to a sign that she wants me back, its not easy, but its reality....
I will always love her, i will always have her in my heart, but i cannot be the guy who waits for ever to never to be called, to never have a second change, that i put all my life on hold to be confronted one day to Anna having a boyfriend or a husband...or even worse, to see her being alone and dont want you, i have to see how this change in place, in meeting her on a regular base, on us see each other now, to see how we changed, how we were shaped by current events, how we are now, maybe we are not going to together again, or maybe we are now perfect to each other, who knows????
what i know is december is the month of my birth, and last year, it start bad, it was like omen, it was like a sign that this december of 2010 to december 2011 would be what i can consider the worse year of my life, it was the only time in my life i lost hope, total lost of hope, i hit rock botton....this last days, this moments i have hope, i have a reason to believe life will be good....so i have a different sign, a different light, so maybe this will be like they say, after the storm will come sunny days, maybe i am ready to enter the sunny days!!!
life is not a easy road, its worth travel for, we should never stop fighting for what we believe, we should fight until the last breath we have, never stop, never quit, and if its for love, it until the day we die!!!!
i like this december, i have hope, i have joy, i have a reason to live!!!!!!
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