Saudade, its a bit a magic word, there is not a lot a good translaction, its a word from this country in the south of europe, there is this french song, saudade, also, its when you miss some one...
when you look back you try to make a picture in your mind about how it was the life with some you loved, the love between you and that person, you try to see the good points, the fights, you try to understand why you are not together any more, was it good? was it bad? was it worth it? every person will have a different view, you will have one...she will have another, your friends a different one...
for me the only thing i care, was, was it worth it???? how i will remember this person???? with a smile??? or deep grim??? we meet people across our lifes, some will take a vital place in your mind, they will be remember when your life past in front of your eyes in the closing moments, others, they are a side note, you will have to make a effort to remember them.
i have persons who cross my life, and i have persons who touch my life, there is many ways to be special, to be remembered, Anna touch my life in a very special way, she will always be special, different, i would never would see her again, she would still be a special friend, i will always treat them in a special way, this doesnt mean, i will chase her again, that i want to be back in her life,no, i share my heart with her i dont have a lot of person who touch my heart, for Anna, i will be always there, i can be married with kids, she can be married with kids, we can be in 2040, we be both old and grey, and she will still be special, its nothing to do with trying to go back in a relationship, or have any second intention, its fact this person touch my life in a very special way, so there is no way i can treat her the same way i deal with a normal friend from high school!!!
this the way i think, maybe others will think in a different way, i dont know, i can always think for me, and this is way i think!!!i hope she see me also in a special way, some who she loved, some she love so much, i have no doubts that she trully loved , we share so many wonderful moments, maybe she doesnt think the same way, maybe she see me in a different light...
i can only speak for me, and i can say, i much rather remember the joy and love them the fights and bitter moments, and i know life is a long process, but when i rather think about the good things, about the joy, zen say, we are what we think, so thing good and life will reward you with good things....
i have to say, for me i will always will be thinking of Anna with joy, i will remember her, i will thinking about her in many moments in my life, we life together, we share a lot, i hope she can see me the same way, i hope in the future we can meet, do things together, share a dinner, remember stories, and find in our minds the joy of being friends!! friendship, honest, no agenda, no hidden motives, just true friendship, because a friend to whon you can say anything is very precious, this is what Anna is for me a close and true friend!!
There is no secret story here, there is not moving backwards to a time to try to get "a fix with Anna", no!!! i am not trying to get her, its about the way you see others, how you remember your life, its about not let the past control your futures..and missing some one, a person you have a special place in your heart, Anna is, i say is, i hope i am right, and dont want to use "was" my best friend, and miss her...as friend!!!
Its about how you see the other persons, its about being happy, i am concentrating in the good things, be a positive force!! and life will be good for me!!! be open to chance, be open to be happy, and you will be suprised with life!!!!life can be great!!!
Thursday 29 September 2011
Saturday 24 September 2011
sunny day
Today was a perfect summer day, sunny, blue skies, hot, this amazing light, and its almost October but it feels like June!!! its a bit like i feel today, its like i am happy again, that my life is getting back in track again, its like the little pieces are slowly coming in to place!!!!
I have a chance of new job, a real job, a new challenge, a hard and demanding job, in a different country, in a different city, where you can start fresh, where you will have a chance to reinvent yourself!!! it strange how a new job makes you feel so good!!! it not the salary that is important, its not the fact that i know this is a 4 year job and them its over, hey, 4 years is a lot of time!!! lots of things can happen in 4 years...2007-2011, my life change so much so many times that its crazy, this new job is like a sign, its like a magic piece so i can rebuild the way i see myself, i have so many plans, things to do, places to see, i am planning to feel my time with walks, mountains, sea, gym, work, i look at the sun and blue sky and say, life is good!!!
could be better???? sure, it love life is always better, share a life and its always better!! but you can be happy with you, you can be happy just with you, your well being should never be dependent on others, you should be able to leave the bed in the morning and say...what a great day...if you are alone or not!!!!
when we have a just eggs and sausages we can make a super tasty lunch, we dont need to have lots of things to cook a super tasty meal, we just cook with what we have and eat it, and say, this was a super lunch, or dinner, the same we should do with life, enjoy what we have, take the massive advantage of it, be happy, see the light, come out, live life!!!
i am in this stage now, i happy, i am ready, to see my life moving forward, and i am ready to have kids, it strange in my recent travel, i was in a foreign country, and while i was waiting in the airport, i come across a job where they sold baby clothes, i would never even look at that in the past, and yet now, i stop, i look, i smile, and was almost tempted to buy it, i was thinking about the joy that must be to buy this things for your kids, i was there 10 seconds, but it was a revelation, it was a very intense 10 seconds, and i smile, i found happiness, not sadness, not despair, i am alone, i have not a person in my life to own i want to have a baby with, and yet i was happy, i was good, this was one of the best moments in the last months!!!
I left the clouds and dark stops, i am in the sun, i am enjoying the light, life is so full of surprises!!!!
I have a chance of new job, a real job, a new challenge, a hard and demanding job, in a different country, in a different city, where you can start fresh, where you will have a chance to reinvent yourself!!! it strange how a new job makes you feel so good!!! it not the salary that is important, its not the fact that i know this is a 4 year job and them its over, hey, 4 years is a lot of time!!! lots of things can happen in 4 years...2007-2011, my life change so much so many times that its crazy, this new job is like a sign, its like a magic piece so i can rebuild the way i see myself, i have so many plans, things to do, places to see, i am planning to feel my time with walks, mountains, sea, gym, work, i look at the sun and blue sky and say, life is good!!!
could be better???? sure, it love life is always better, share a life and its always better!! but you can be happy with you, you can be happy just with you, your well being should never be dependent on others, you should be able to leave the bed in the morning and say...what a great day...if you are alone or not!!!!
when we have a just eggs and sausages we can make a super tasty lunch, we dont need to have lots of things to cook a super tasty meal, we just cook with what we have and eat it, and say, this was a super lunch, or dinner, the same we should do with life, enjoy what we have, take the massive advantage of it, be happy, see the light, come out, live life!!!
i am in this stage now, i happy, i am ready, to see my life moving forward, and i am ready to have kids, it strange in my recent travel, i was in a foreign country, and while i was waiting in the airport, i come across a job where they sold baby clothes, i would never even look at that in the past, and yet now, i stop, i look, i smile, and was almost tempted to buy it, i was thinking about the joy that must be to buy this things for your kids, i was there 10 seconds, but it was a revelation, it was a very intense 10 seconds, and i smile, i found happiness, not sadness, not despair, i am alone, i have not a person in my life to own i want to have a baby with, and yet i was happy, i was good, this was one of the best moments in the last months!!!
I left the clouds and dark stops, i am in the sun, i am enjoying the light, life is so full of surprises!!!!
Monday 19 September 2011
what is love?
What is love??? when you know that you are in love? how much love is the right "dose"? when you know that other person is the right one for you? when you stop see the right paht and become mad with lose??? is to much love bad for you???
I look for love all my life, we all do, real love, true love, pure love, and how many of us can say, i found true pure love??? not a lot!!!! and when we do, maybe we dont realise how precious and rare that we found!!!! when we will love and be loved??? when the find the one that touches your heart? and why that special person??? why not the milions of others we come across every day????
I dont know how to answer, because for each one there is a different answer!!! maybe there are things for each there is no normal logic answer, sometimes that there is no logic, its the magic that persons brings to you...can you love the same person twice??? can you fall back in love with some one from your past??? i dont know...no one knows....i cannt see the future..the only thing i can do is make me a better person so i can right for the love of others!!
You meet so many people in your life, some are pretty, some are sexy, some are amazing, and yet only one its the right one for you, only one touches your heart, why???? why????
because you have the some hobbies??? do you see the some tv shows? do you listen to the mad 80s music? no...because you simply fall in love!!! That magic feeling takes over you, that makes you feel great and bad, its the must powerful force in our lifes, but we need to learn to balance it, I for a while was not able, I was out of control, I let love blind me, made me almost a junkie, but this is a experience that I grow, I learn a lot about me, about life, about balance, about people….and I see what did bad, that sometimes love out of control is not good…when was living with Anna she love in a very intense way..almsot out of control and it, but i could handle it, which makes me ask, how are two person you love so much cannot be together?? wrong time?? how knows, life is not a easy ride...
you cannot decide to love some one...you can refuse some else love, you can try to seduce another person, when you are in love you can try to show to the other person you are the right one for her, that you are the best in her life, but there is always the change that the other person will say no, that she doesnt have feelings for you, or doesnt want to have feelings for you, and you have to life with this, you need to learn love and not be loved!!! it happens every day, why??? why cannot we all find the right person??? why cannot we life with our heats full of love??? i wish i could answer this, i would be a millionaire!!
Some times we get hurt, we lose hope, we see the friends, family, their relationships, the weddings collapse, we see cheating, affairs, we think, this is what will happen to me, so you lose hope....
when you are alone, we want to feel the joy of others and we rush with some one....and after a few months, years, we realize this is not the one, this was a bad replacement, or good replacement but not the one...i decide not to do this, I don’t have a date in the calendar to find a partner, I am working in me, I am working in enjoying every day, and hope that one day some one will come and show me how life at two is so much better them at a single!!! But I am only available for the right one, for true love!!!
We should learn to see difference between “interest”, lust, sex, fun....this is just good for one, the other is the “provider” of good feelings for the “user”, its not love, it will make you happy for a while, but in the end will leave with a burning feeling!!! Love, is when some one person is there to offer not the body but the sould to you...this is the love that you should look for, its the way to true happiness!!
we should be able to see that love is great, there is nothing better to offer then pure love, honest love, true love, this is the biggest that you can give someone, its let a person share your soul.
I have no one to love, and yet i love, i love the sea, the sun, the mountains, the fresh air, i love the memories that i have from my past, i love being alive, there is lots of love in me, i have a big heart full of love to give, will i find the right one??? the women you will make my life magic again??? i dont know...i hope so!!!
that is the mystery of love, we can spend years waiting and looking and in a instant you can find it, she just need to ready to accept, to see!! some times it just there in front of you!!!!
life is great!! fill with love and its magic!!!
I look for love all my life, we all do, real love, true love, pure love, and how many of us can say, i found true pure love??? not a lot!!!! and when we do, maybe we dont realise how precious and rare that we found!!!! when we will love and be loved??? when the find the one that touches your heart? and why that special person??? why not the milions of others we come across every day????
I dont know how to answer, because for each one there is a different answer!!! maybe there are things for each there is no normal logic answer, sometimes that there is no logic, its the magic that persons brings to you...can you love the same person twice??? can you fall back in love with some one from your past??? i dont know...no one knows....i cannt see the future..the only thing i can do is make me a better person so i can right for the love of others!!
You meet so many people in your life, some are pretty, some are sexy, some are amazing, and yet only one its the right one for you, only one touches your heart, why???? why????
because you have the some hobbies??? do you see the some tv shows? do you listen to the mad 80s music? no...because you simply fall in love!!! That magic feeling takes over you, that makes you feel great and bad, its the must powerful force in our lifes, but we need to learn to balance it, I for a while was not able, I was out of control, I let love blind me, made me almost a junkie, but this is a experience that I grow, I learn a lot about me, about life, about balance, about people….and I see what did bad, that sometimes love out of control is not good…when was living with Anna she love in a very intense way..almsot out of control and it, but i could handle it, which makes me ask, how are two person you love so much cannot be together?? wrong time?? how knows, life is not a easy ride...
you cannot decide to love some one...you can refuse some else love, you can try to seduce another person, when you are in love you can try to show to the other person you are the right one for her, that you are the best in her life, but there is always the change that the other person will say no, that she doesnt have feelings for you, or doesnt want to have feelings for you, and you have to life with this, you need to learn love and not be loved!!! it happens every day, why??? why cannot we all find the right person??? why cannot we life with our heats full of love??? i wish i could answer this, i would be a millionaire!!
Some times we get hurt, we lose hope, we see the friends, family, their relationships, the weddings collapse, we see cheating, affairs, we think, this is what will happen to me, so you lose hope....
when you are alone, we want to feel the joy of others and we rush with some one....and after a few months, years, we realize this is not the one, this was a bad replacement, or good replacement but not the one...i decide not to do this, I don’t have a date in the calendar to find a partner, I am working in me, I am working in enjoying every day, and hope that one day some one will come and show me how life at two is so much better them at a single!!! But I am only available for the right one, for true love!!!
We should learn to see difference between “interest”, lust, sex, fun....this is just good for one, the other is the “provider” of good feelings for the “user”, its not love, it will make you happy for a while, but in the end will leave with a burning feeling!!! Love, is when some one person is there to offer not the body but the sould to you...this is the love that you should look for, its the way to true happiness!!
we should be able to see that love is great, there is nothing better to offer then pure love, honest love, true love, this is the biggest that you can give someone, its let a person share your soul.
I have no one to love, and yet i love, i love the sea, the sun, the mountains, the fresh air, i love the memories that i have from my past, i love being alive, there is lots of love in me, i have a big heart full of love to give, will i find the right one??? the women you will make my life magic again??? i dont know...i hope so!!!
that is the mystery of love, we can spend years waiting and looking and in a instant you can find it, she just need to ready to accept, to see!! some times it just there in front of you!!!!
life is great!! fill with love and its magic!!!
Wednesday 14 September 2011
Respect
To be happy, to make others happy, you must respect yourself, you must be able to be a person that you and your first must be able to respect!!
You may not like the decision other people will take, you may think that they are wrong, you may not even understand them, but you need to respest the decsions of others!!!!
Respect is the base for a lot of things in life, its about you giving the other person a choice in their lifes, and you about deciding what you can accept or not in your life!!
If some one will ask to not see you, you are not going to "pass by", you may want to see her, you know where she lives, where she is, you may dont even understand why, but dont even think about going there, no!! respect her decision and respect yourself!!! you are not stray dog who was abandon by the owner!!! no, be man,!! its not easy, but it a decsion some one took, and you have to choices, to take it like a man, and respect this, or be a bad need person and keep passing bye, keep trying to show yourself!!!
I travel to place of the person i care so much, she said she dont want to see me, i know where she live, where she worked, i would have go there, i could have pass by her house, so see, to check...no, i will never do that!!! why??? respect for her and me!!! i hope she know me to know i would enver do that!!!!!! if she want to put me out of her life she just need to say it, i will not understand, i will not be happy, but i will respect her decision!! it her decison!
i do this because its a question of respecting myself, there is nothing worse for your self eesten them beg for some to love your, to pitty you!!! you dont get any love this way, and if you do its the worse sort, its a negative force, its a source that will bring you down with time!!!
you need to respect yourself, you need to true to yourself, look at yourself, see if you are part of the soluction or the problem, and deal with your issues, make yourself a better person, a happier person, a stronger person!!! this is what i do now, i am rebuilding my self, a better happier me, and its going in the right direction, the path to your happiness is the road that sometimes you have walk alone, make yourslef happy and you can make others happy!!!
Respect is also be honest, is a two way street, if you are not treated with respect, you will not be able to respect the other part!!!
right now i look at tme and i can respect myself, i can be a source for good, and now this is enough for me!!!!
You may not like the decision other people will take, you may think that they are wrong, you may not even understand them, but you need to respest the decsions of others!!!!
Respect is the base for a lot of things in life, its about you giving the other person a choice in their lifes, and you about deciding what you can accept or not in your life!!
If some one will ask to not see you, you are not going to "pass by", you may want to see her, you know where she lives, where she is, you may dont even understand why, but dont even think about going there, no!! respect her decision and respect yourself!!! you are not stray dog who was abandon by the owner!!! no, be man,!! its not easy, but it a decsion some one took, and you have to choices, to take it like a man, and respect this, or be a bad need person and keep passing bye, keep trying to show yourself!!!
I travel to place of the person i care so much, she said she dont want to see me, i know where she live, where she worked, i would have go there, i could have pass by her house, so see, to check...no, i will never do that!!! why??? respect for her and me!!! i hope she know me to know i would enver do that!!!!!! if she want to put me out of her life she just need to say it, i will not understand, i will not be happy, but i will respect her decision!! it her decison!
i do this because its a question of respecting myself, there is nothing worse for your self eesten them beg for some to love your, to pitty you!!! you dont get any love this way, and if you do its the worse sort, its a negative force, its a source that will bring you down with time!!!
you need to respect yourself, you need to true to yourself, look at yourself, see if you are part of the soluction or the problem, and deal with your issues, make yourself a better person, a happier person, a stronger person!!! this is what i do now, i am rebuilding my self, a better happier me, and its going in the right direction, the path to your happiness is the road that sometimes you have walk alone, make yourslef happy and you can make others happy!!!
Respect is also be honest, is a two way street, if you are not treated with respect, you will not be able to respect the other part!!!
right now i look at tme and i can respect myself, i can be a source for good, and now this is enough for me!!!!
Tuesday 13 September 2011
values!!!!
We all have values, we all say we are good people, and yet I am getting suprised by the lack of different approach people taking in the public life, were they preach all the values and them the private reality!!!!!
values are a thing that you cannot discard when they are not convenient to you, they are part of you!!! they are the base of who you are. In the last weeks, i am surprised by how persons i consider to know well, have a very different side!!!
some of my friends, married, and i was thinking happy married, that they lead a life that i respect, in fact have a second secret life, a life where they cheat, were they play games,...they all say to me...hey, are you a choir boy???? are in the 18 century??? no, and no.
i see this all the time, i see most of my friends cheating, i see them getting divorces..are all relationships doom to fail??? are we all going to start a relationship to end??? what happen to people who life together for ever, they would stay together until the die..what happen to true love??? why people stop investing in their relationships??? why arent they honest???? I don’t know.....i know one thing, I am not like that..
Are we so concentrate in making our careers, money, success, etc, that we forget the most important thing, the person who shares the life with us??? are we so focus on us, in me, that we forget the we??? i am alone, i am not in a relationship, but i still believe in true love is the most important thing, that our main objective should be creating conditions to have a great life at two, that money, success, social status, job, are not the most important thing, that we shouldnt sacrifice our loves for any of that...
am i the last person who thinks like this??? i am the last person who never cheated??? i never cheat, never, chances a lot, sometimes from girls who were friends, our called friends of my girlfriend...but i never cheated, today i look around and i see people who tell me, hey...its a fast life, its a fast world, lets enjoy the day, lets have fun...so according to them cheat is fine, its ok, its just fun...
i have one rule in my life, be true to myself, its the first rule of my life, i respect the things i believe and i dont decide to change what i believe when its convenient to me, no its much more hard, but its the only way i can life...
yes, i miss a lot of sex, but i am like this, i prefer to be loyal to me!!! i wish that i had love in my life, i have some one who says she love me, but i have no feelings, i dont love her, i can understand her, but i cannot abuse her love for me and use this to get what i want, i told her, i am her friend, we will go in holidays together, i will do a lot together, but i told her, i dont love you, i am being honest, can i love her in the future???? who knows??? i dont, i think its better to see, to enjoy the company of each other, to have fun, like friends, i know her for more then 15 years, i dont want to spoil this long time friendship...
one close friends, who know me well, told me yesterday i was crazy, that any girl, if she is good looking and i should take advantage...but i dont take advantage...i dont "cheat" her, and me, its not correct...
i just have values, and i life by them, its not easy, i can say, if i cheat, if i lie, if i was not honest, if i manipulate, my life would be much more easy, but i am not like that!!
I have a core set of values, honesty, respect, trust, love, commitment!!!! i am honest with myself, how many times you hear, no one will know....hey...you will know!!! if you cheat, maybe your partner will not know, but you will know!! i cannot do that, in my life i lose a lot of sex because of that, but and some days the next morning, when you are driving home alone, you think, danm, i maybe i should...but you know you are doing the right thing, to you!!!! i cannot understand the people who can life between two loves, because this really means is you dont love none, because if you love, who dont want to share, you want this person and only this person!!! i never found some one who love, trully love ansd wanted to share the person he/she loved, to spend time with other,....
if you show that you have values, this leasd to trust, if you are honest and show that, people can trust you, they can know if the situation will arrive, you will be able to say no!!! how can you trust someone who cheats??? how can you look in the eyes of some, and say, no, no, i want you and in the side he/she is having an affair??? doesn’t matter where you stand, if you are in this situation, you will lose!!! i see this now every day!!
I ask one of my friends, why? why does he do it?why you have an affair??? he told me, because its fun! fun? yes, fun! he told me with his office work, his kid, and have no time, he is not giving any time to his relationships, so instead of trying to make an effort, of showing its partner how much he care for her, he is now having an affair with a colleague!!! but he doesn’t want any divorce, its just fun....
to impose yourself values is not an easy decision, its not simple, its very hard, but its the only way for me to life! i am committed, i am honest with myself, i a person you can rely on, that if i am in relationship there is only one side of me, not two sides, one side!!! trust, honesty, respect, love, dedication, and joy!
I am alone now, it would be tempting to forget all the values i base my life, take a few girls for spin, but no, the fact that i am alone, just reinforce my commitment to my values.
i am maybe walking this path alone, but i am at peace with me!! and this is a reward that is foundation for a future life!!! maybe i am too old fashion, maybe i stupid, i don’t know, but i have values i respect, i see around me all this lies and games, but i trust myself, i know if one day i will be with some one, i can prove to at least this person that life can be different from what you see around!!!
I will live always for the values i have, maybe i will die alone, but i will die respecting the values that base my life!!! and i tell you something, i am happy, every time i resist the idea to break one of them, i can tell you chances happen, you feel good, you feel happy, i know who i am, and i am happy with the person i am now!!!
values are a thing that you cannot discard when they are not convenient to you, they are part of you!!! they are the base of who you are. In the last weeks, i am surprised by how persons i consider to know well, have a very different side!!!
some of my friends, married, and i was thinking happy married, that they lead a life that i respect, in fact have a second secret life, a life where they cheat, were they play games,...they all say to me...hey, are you a choir boy???? are in the 18 century??? no, and no.
i see this all the time, i see most of my friends cheating, i see them getting divorces..are all relationships doom to fail??? are we all going to start a relationship to end??? what happen to people who life together for ever, they would stay together until the die..what happen to true love??? why people stop investing in their relationships??? why arent they honest???? I don’t know.....i know one thing, I am not like that..
Are we so concentrate in making our careers, money, success, etc, that we forget the most important thing, the person who shares the life with us??? are we so focus on us, in me, that we forget the we??? i am alone, i am not in a relationship, but i still believe in true love is the most important thing, that our main objective should be creating conditions to have a great life at two, that money, success, social status, job, are not the most important thing, that we shouldnt sacrifice our loves for any of that...
am i the last person who thinks like this??? i am the last person who never cheated??? i never cheat, never, chances a lot, sometimes from girls who were friends, our called friends of my girlfriend...but i never cheated, today i look around and i see people who tell me, hey...its a fast life, its a fast world, lets enjoy the day, lets have fun...so according to them cheat is fine, its ok, its just fun...
i have one rule in my life, be true to myself, its the first rule of my life, i respect the things i believe and i dont decide to change what i believe when its convenient to me, no its much more hard, but its the only way i can life...
yes, i miss a lot of sex, but i am like this, i prefer to be loyal to me!!! i wish that i had love in my life, i have some one who says she love me, but i have no feelings, i dont love her, i can understand her, but i cannot abuse her love for me and use this to get what i want, i told her, i am her friend, we will go in holidays together, i will do a lot together, but i told her, i dont love you, i am being honest, can i love her in the future???? who knows??? i dont, i think its better to see, to enjoy the company of each other, to have fun, like friends, i know her for more then 15 years, i dont want to spoil this long time friendship...
one close friends, who know me well, told me yesterday i was crazy, that any girl, if she is good looking and i should take advantage...but i dont take advantage...i dont "cheat" her, and me, its not correct...
i just have values, and i life by them, its not easy, i can say, if i cheat, if i lie, if i was not honest, if i manipulate, my life would be much more easy, but i am not like that!!
I have a core set of values, honesty, respect, trust, love, commitment!!!! i am honest with myself, how many times you hear, no one will know....hey...you will know!!! if you cheat, maybe your partner will not know, but you will know!! i cannot do that, in my life i lose a lot of sex because of that, but and some days the next morning, when you are driving home alone, you think, danm, i maybe i should...but you know you are doing the right thing, to you!!!! i cannot understand the people who can life between two loves, because this really means is you dont love none, because if you love, who dont want to share, you want this person and only this person!!! i never found some one who love, trully love ansd wanted to share the person he/she loved, to spend time with other,....
if you show that you have values, this leasd to trust, if you are honest and show that, people can trust you, they can know if the situation will arrive, you will be able to say no!!! how can you trust someone who cheats??? how can you look in the eyes of some, and say, no, no, i want you and in the side he/she is having an affair??? doesn’t matter where you stand, if you are in this situation, you will lose!!! i see this now every day!!
I ask one of my friends, why? why does he do it?why you have an affair??? he told me, because its fun! fun? yes, fun! he told me with his office work, his kid, and have no time, he is not giving any time to his relationships, so instead of trying to make an effort, of showing its partner how much he care for her, he is now having an affair with a colleague!!! but he doesn’t want any divorce, its just fun....
to impose yourself values is not an easy decision, its not simple, its very hard, but its the only way for me to life! i am committed, i am honest with myself, i a person you can rely on, that if i am in relationship there is only one side of me, not two sides, one side!!! trust, honesty, respect, love, dedication, and joy!
I am alone now, it would be tempting to forget all the values i base my life, take a few girls for spin, but no, the fact that i am alone, just reinforce my commitment to my values.
i am maybe walking this path alone, but i am at peace with me!! and this is a reward that is foundation for a future life!!! maybe i am too old fashion, maybe i stupid, i don’t know, but i have values i respect, i see around me all this lies and games, but i trust myself, i know if one day i will be with some one, i can prove to at least this person that life can be different from what you see around!!!
I will live always for the values i have, maybe i will die alone, but i will die respecting the values that base my life!!! and i tell you something, i am happy, every time i resist the idea to break one of them, i can tell you chances happen, you feel good, you feel happy, i know who i am, and i am happy with the person i am now!!!
Friday 9 September 2011
future!
how will be my future?? this is a question that we all try to answer, we can make plans, we can work for them, we can imagine, but sometimes the future is totally different from what we expect and want, sometimes much better, sometimes much worse, sometimes just different....
i am not where i would expect to be, this is not what i plan, this is not how i would see my future in 2007, or in 2003, or in 1994, all this times the future look different, i had different life plans, different ambitious, hopes, fears...and yet i am here, in a cross road, try to find the right path to follow!!!
in the last two weeks, its like i wake for a depression, from addiction, i was not good, i let my feelings took control, i let my feeling of lost overwhelm me...all my life i look for the right girl, the ONE!!! i meet many girls, had a special passion for 3, in 1982, in 1987 and in 1994, i had affairs, i had some feelings for more girls, but does 3 where special, i had a strong feeling for them, special in 1994, but none was the one, none off them touch my heart and soul, like Anna did, and i didnt see that, i only realise how much i lose, after she left, after i start to see how i also "helped" process of her leaving, by being to self centred...we were so right for each other, but maybe too soon, maybe to early in life....
But i when realize what i lost, and slowly i start to become more stressed, more desperate, i had become a shadow of me, i was not happy, i was insecure, i was jealous, and we were not in a relationship, if we would be back together, maybe i would be cured, because i was so self centred in Anna that i would ok, or maybe not, because i was not right, i was just creating problems everywhere, i could enjoy nothing, so maybe it would have been bad...very bad!!!
now, she says we will be friends, just friends,that she needs time, that maybe she will call me, i promise, i will respect that, that i will not call, that i will not mail, i will wait for her to feel the need to call me, to speak to me, to see, me, but but in my heart i know this will not happen, she is trying to forget me, to take me totally from her life, i hope that i am wrong, i truly hope so, but that is what i feel now...
i can look in the eyes of the future, i am can see the office, my colleagues, my friends, make plans, enjoy the day, enjoy a nice sunny day, no, no, i am still not well, i still think about her, not all the time, not in a desperate way, but i do, there are things that remind me of her, and before i would feel this pressure in my heart, i would be sad, i would feel bad, now i a smile, i still miss her, but i can control the feelings!!
the future?? i am not chasing any girls, no, i am not going to start chasing girls, some of the guys in one of my sports are going out, chasing girls, and yes, they are all married, and they go out once a month to chase girls, they lie to their wife’s, and go, its 4 guys, one is having an affair for 1 year, the others keep talking how many girls they get, they ask me to go, i said no, i have to honest with me, with what i feel right, with what i believe!!! I don’t want lies, games, deceit, one night stands, no, now I want peace, I want to be able to be enjoy my company, so I can be a good company to others!!!
i am giving a training course in one of my sports to one person who wants to chase me, if Anna knew she would ask??? why??? to hurt me??? to prove anything? Revenge??? no, i would never do that, i hope she knows me better, why i do it???? the real reason is the most strange one, to give my brother a job!!! he need a job, the club can only pay if there is courses, so i start the course, and them i stop, and my brother takes over, i am not a liar, i am not a man you can have two persons in his heart, just one, and there one who is still there, and maybe will never leave, this doesn’t mean i stop living, that i can start with time to chase happiness, but the person will be there for ever...but i cannot stop living, i cannot stop building a happy life, i have no secret plant to implement to try to go back to her...i am now living a day each time!
how will be my life in 2015???? married? single? divorced??? father???? dead??? who knows, no one knows, and i learn that i can make plans, i can try to change live, but life keeps surprising me....i hope is just one thing, that i can be happy with me, that i can be a honest with me, have love in my heart!!!! let see in 2015!!!
i am not where i would expect to be, this is not what i plan, this is not how i would see my future in 2007, or in 2003, or in 1994, all this times the future look different, i had different life plans, different ambitious, hopes, fears...and yet i am here, in a cross road, try to find the right path to follow!!!
in the last two weeks, its like i wake for a depression, from addiction, i was not good, i let my feelings took control, i let my feeling of lost overwhelm me...all my life i look for the right girl, the ONE!!! i meet many girls, had a special passion for 3, in 1982, in 1987 and in 1994, i had affairs, i had some feelings for more girls, but does 3 where special, i had a strong feeling for them, special in 1994, but none was the one, none off them touch my heart and soul, like Anna did, and i didnt see that, i only realise how much i lose, after she left, after i start to see how i also "helped" process of her leaving, by being to self centred...we were so right for each other, but maybe too soon, maybe to early in life....
But i when realize what i lost, and slowly i start to become more stressed, more desperate, i had become a shadow of me, i was not happy, i was insecure, i was jealous, and we were not in a relationship, if we would be back together, maybe i would be cured, because i was so self centred in Anna that i would ok, or maybe not, because i was not right, i was just creating problems everywhere, i could enjoy nothing, so maybe it would have been bad...very bad!!!
now, she says we will be friends, just friends,that she needs time, that maybe she will call me, i promise, i will respect that, that i will not call, that i will not mail, i will wait for her to feel the need to call me, to speak to me, to see, me, but but in my heart i know this will not happen, she is trying to forget me, to take me totally from her life, i hope that i am wrong, i truly hope so, but that is what i feel now...
i can look in the eyes of the future, i am can see the office, my colleagues, my friends, make plans, enjoy the day, enjoy a nice sunny day, no, no, i am still not well, i still think about her, not all the time, not in a desperate way, but i do, there are things that remind me of her, and before i would feel this pressure in my heart, i would be sad, i would feel bad, now i a smile, i still miss her, but i can control the feelings!!
the future?? i am not chasing any girls, no, i am not going to start chasing girls, some of the guys in one of my sports are going out, chasing girls, and yes, they are all married, and they go out once a month to chase girls, they lie to their wife’s, and go, its 4 guys, one is having an affair for 1 year, the others keep talking how many girls they get, they ask me to go, i said no, i have to honest with me, with what i feel right, with what i believe!!! I don’t want lies, games, deceit, one night stands, no, now I want peace, I want to be able to be enjoy my company, so I can be a good company to others!!!
i am giving a training course in one of my sports to one person who wants to chase me, if Anna knew she would ask??? why??? to hurt me??? to prove anything? Revenge??? no, i would never do that, i hope she knows me better, why i do it???? the real reason is the most strange one, to give my brother a job!!! he need a job, the club can only pay if there is courses, so i start the course, and them i stop, and my brother takes over, i am not a liar, i am not a man you can have two persons in his heart, just one, and there one who is still there, and maybe will never leave, this doesn’t mean i stop living, that i can start with time to chase happiness, but the person will be there for ever...but i cannot stop living, i cannot stop building a happy life, i have no secret plant to implement to try to go back to her...i am now living a day each time!
how will be my life in 2015???? married? single? divorced??? father???? dead??? who knows, no one knows, and i learn that i can make plans, i can try to change live, but life keeps surprising me....i hope is just one thing, that i can be happy with me, that i can be a honest with me, have love in my heart!!!! let see in 2015!!!
Wednesday 7 September 2011
Understand
When you understand the reason why something happens, its more easy to deal with it!!! you can see the reasons, you can like it or not, but you can work out why it happen!!!
There is many questions not answered in my life now, there is many things i would like to understand, to have a clear picture, sometimes you dont say everything, you avoid say some things to avoid hurting the other person, but in the end is worse, honesty, when you are honest with you and with others you can have a clear mind!!! peace of mind!!!
It not easy to be fully honest, but its the best way, i have questions, issues, and i would like one day to understand...i dont understand how i was important for some one, we talk a lot, and in a day, this person who i share a life, say she dont think she want ever to see me...why??? i can see two reasons for this, i was bad for her, i was a source of pain, or she have a new love and want me out of her life...and yet i was giving no reason...the reason was i had still feeling for her....
is so bad to know that some still have feelings for you??? its bad that if someone cares for you phones you to know how you are??? specially when you are going through a bad time???i never beg, i never was, can we be back together...please give a chance!!! there was never drama!!! i try to be a supportive person...
there was two situations, that i was not right, and i apologise for it, it was the junkie in me!!! which is gone now...its sad to lose the person you want, the person who you care so much, and because you lose her, because she cuts you,you become a better person for this same person.....its strange..but real!!!
i was told i was pushing to much, its true, this i understand and totaly say, yes, like i said before, i was a junkie!!! that i was trying to control her life, not true, and this is not only me, she has this feeling with the father of her child, i was never sure he was, now i can understand better, he was not, he maybe was just like me to pushy to talk to his child but he was not trying to control her.... i have a bad feeling about the person who is helping Anna, i have the feeling because the person who helped me, that her soul rest in peace, she pass a few days ago, its a great lost to me, the last time i spoke with her, she told me, she was proud of me, that i was able to stand in my own to feet, that i stop being a junkie, that she consider when she first talk to me, she was thinking i was lost, that i was not able to do it, but she alse told me something, that in her job, the line between helping and start to manipulate the life of others is very thin, many times is not even a conciencse process, she said she is not there to choose for me, to give answers, she is there to ask me questions,to show me ways, directions....that is the reason she never told me to give up Anna, that sometimes people say, cut all ties with that person, and they dont know the person, the person history, its a text book advice, she told me, always take your decisions, help, not take decison on behalf of others...this is something i will always remember, it was the last time i spook with her...and i have the feeling that Anna was giving the advice to cut with me, totaly, because i had feelings, that this would create a extra pressure, that i am not good for her...i dont know....and that is why i dont understand, if you know, if you have the full picture, you not like it, but you can understand...
this is also a last goodbye to the women who help me, who listen to me in an hour of pain, in a time where i was not good, i hope she will be looking after me, i hope she can see me from heavan, and she will know that i am alright!!!
is this a step back??? no, i am just trying to understand why someone who told me that she would never want to lose my friendship, is now saying dont want to see me...i dont understand....maybe there is nothing to understand...maybe this is just my side of the story, maybe Anna have real reasons, maybe she dont want to tell me, because she is my friend, who knows....but in end with time we will conquer everything!!! i will be ok...
what i can say is can sleep at night, that i can smile, that i can start to enjoy things, that i can now start to take pleasure in little things, and this is a huge change from the last months, i am on road to a better future...i am on the road to find myself again!!! 2011 as been a roller coaster year, and its not even finished!!! there is a say in zen, when you are right the master will appear...i am now adapting it to my life, when you are ready for true love, to a family, to be a true partner, love will appear!!!! and i am now i am on the way to be ready, truly ready to find me again!
There is many questions not answered in my life now, there is many things i would like to understand, to have a clear picture, sometimes you dont say everything, you avoid say some things to avoid hurting the other person, but in the end is worse, honesty, when you are honest with you and with others you can have a clear mind!!! peace of mind!!!
It not easy to be fully honest, but its the best way, i have questions, issues, and i would like one day to understand...i dont understand how i was important for some one, we talk a lot, and in a day, this person who i share a life, say she dont think she want ever to see me...why??? i can see two reasons for this, i was bad for her, i was a source of pain, or she have a new love and want me out of her life...and yet i was giving no reason...the reason was i had still feeling for her....
is so bad to know that some still have feelings for you??? its bad that if someone cares for you phones you to know how you are??? specially when you are going through a bad time???i never beg, i never was, can we be back together...please give a chance!!! there was never drama!!! i try to be a supportive person...
there was two situations, that i was not right, and i apologise for it, it was the junkie in me!!! which is gone now...its sad to lose the person you want, the person who you care so much, and because you lose her, because she cuts you,you become a better person for this same person.....its strange..but real!!!
i was told i was pushing to much, its true, this i understand and totaly say, yes, like i said before, i was a junkie!!! that i was trying to control her life, not true, and this is not only me, she has this feeling with the father of her child, i was never sure he was, now i can understand better, he was not, he maybe was just like me to pushy to talk to his child but he was not trying to control her.... i have a bad feeling about the person who is helping Anna, i have the feeling because the person who helped me, that her soul rest in peace, she pass a few days ago, its a great lost to me, the last time i spoke with her, she told me, she was proud of me, that i was able to stand in my own to feet, that i stop being a junkie, that she consider when she first talk to me, she was thinking i was lost, that i was not able to do it, but she alse told me something, that in her job, the line between helping and start to manipulate the life of others is very thin, many times is not even a conciencse process, she said she is not there to choose for me, to give answers, she is there to ask me questions,to show me ways, directions....that is the reason she never told me to give up Anna, that sometimes people say, cut all ties with that person, and they dont know the person, the person history, its a text book advice, she told me, always take your decisions, help, not take decison on behalf of others...this is something i will always remember, it was the last time i spook with her...and i have the feeling that Anna was giving the advice to cut with me, totaly, because i had feelings, that this would create a extra pressure, that i am not good for her...i dont know....and that is why i dont understand, if you know, if you have the full picture, you not like it, but you can understand...
this is also a last goodbye to the women who help me, who listen to me in an hour of pain, in a time where i was not good, i hope she will be looking after me, i hope she can see me from heavan, and she will know that i am alright!!!
is this a step back??? no, i am just trying to understand why someone who told me that she would never want to lose my friendship, is now saying dont want to see me...i dont understand....maybe there is nothing to understand...maybe this is just my side of the story, maybe Anna have real reasons, maybe she dont want to tell me, because she is my friend, who knows....but in end with time we will conquer everything!!! i will be ok...
what i can say is can sleep at night, that i can smile, that i can start to enjoy things, that i can now start to take pleasure in little things, and this is a huge change from the last months, i am on road to a better future...i am on the road to find myself again!!! 2011 as been a roller coaster year, and its not even finished!!! there is a say in zen, when you are right the master will appear...i am now adapting it to my life, when you are ready for true love, to a family, to be a true partner, love will appear!!!! and i am now i am on the way to be ready, truly ready to find me again!
Friday 2 September 2011
mistake?
If i look back at all this last years, was the love i had for this person, all the things i did was a mistake? I let start a process that shouldnt have ever started??? was i better never let this person enter my life???? if you see things from the outside, if you are a person on the outside, they maybe even think it was a mistake, that all of this was wrong!!!! that i was taken for spin and them dumped!!!! that i should never love this girl!!! NOOO!!!
this is not true, i regret nothing, if i know what would happen, from the start, to the end, knowing how much i would suffer, know this would end, and if i couldnt change nothing, from start to finish, with the fights with the bad things, would i do it again??? YES!!!!! i wouldnt even bllink, i would do again, i dont regret nothing, i found that life is tough, but i have my heart fill with great memories!!!
I feel that this was not a mistake, this was one of the best experiences, one of the best times in my life, loved again, i learn to share a live, i grow up a lot, i become a better person, i am not the some person i was before Anna, and i feel that she gave on of the best lessons in life, she made me feel loved, she made me feel like a full person, this is never a mistake!!!! this is something i will always consider very special in my heart!!!
I will always have a special place for Anna in my heart, i am sorry that this didnt workout like i hope, yes, some is my responsibility, yes, i know, i should have done more, i was not ready, i would have been ready now, i know the right thing, and strangely after she told she doesnt want to see me, i am even better for her, because i stop being a junkie!!!! now i have the head in the right place, and my heart is right, but its to late...
I would have been perfect for her, i know her, i know how to make her happy, i know what makes her stressed, i could make her life a pure heaven, she would had in me some who would never cheat, you would all to make her happy, to turn her life in magic event, it ddidnt happen....
As we lose this magic feeling in you, you start to see that part of the issues are not only mine, i put a lot of a lot of the blame on me, its true, all i say in this blog is true, i should have done a lot of things differently, but Anna, why didnt you fight more for us???? why didnt you gave me a change to speak, to act, to fight for us???
i know that it was hard times, but you never gave me a true change fight for us, you never said, i cannot carry on any more like this, for us have a future you need to move here!!! if that is what you really think we have no more future...she never ask that, she never said that, she never gave a true chance....what i would have answer??? what would have happen....we will never know..
there are things i dont understand, she told she feel alone, she was in a bad time, i try to be there, to help, to be her friend and in the end she told me i want to control her life, i didnt, true, honest!!! i was concern for her, i was trying to be best support for her, i was trying to be there for her, just that, not trying to control, not trying to clain a stake in her life, maybe i was too pushy, yes, i was a junkie!!! but the feeling was right!!! I think she need to look at herself, what she really wants, and see that what we need was just there, and the past and the future are not the same, and because people in the past was not honest, were not correct, doesn’t mean man are all the same, like I did at me, maybe she need to look at her, and like I was junkie, maybe she need to get out also of her process...this is the only way for her to be happy!!! if she doesnt, she will get attention, interests from guys, she is beautifull, she will get sex, but love???? she was hurt, manipulated, she was not treated good by same assholes, but she cannot think we are all the same, she need to see the some people can really be trusted!!!!
I care for her, I hope that Anna can be happy, i really do, i pray to god, for Him to put his hand in Anna shoulder, and give her peace of mind, to give her all the strength she need to have a very happy life!!
Maybe i am bias, maybe i am being unfair, but i think in a few years, not now, in a few years, when Anna will look back at her life, when her child grows up and move always, she will look back at life, we all do this, and she will see that there was this guy, who love her, always!!! who was always there for her, that always treat her like a princess, who was her friend, maybe she will realize them, she made the biggest mistake in her life, that she trade pure love, for a fake interest, she lost the love, a love of gold for some shiny metal, she let the fear of the past control her future...she made a mistake in let me go!!!! maybe she will realise that, but it will be to late...maybe she will find some one who care for her as much as i did....i dont know, life is a big mystery!!! i hope she will be happy, i trully hope so...
Right now my mind is almost at peace, i am taking control of my life!!! i am getting to a good phase!! all the other pieces are slowly getting together, my getting control of my life, i am ready to start a new life, a new happy life!!!
i have friendship with Anna to take care, and i will!!!!
But Anna was never a mistake!!! she was one best things in my life!!!! maybe the BEST thing!!!
this is not true, i regret nothing, if i know what would happen, from the start, to the end, knowing how much i would suffer, know this would end, and if i couldnt change nothing, from start to finish, with the fights with the bad things, would i do it again??? YES!!!!! i wouldnt even bllink, i would do again, i dont regret nothing, i found that life is tough, but i have my heart fill with great memories!!!
I feel that this was not a mistake, this was one of the best experiences, one of the best times in my life, loved again, i learn to share a live, i grow up a lot, i become a better person, i am not the some person i was before Anna, and i feel that she gave on of the best lessons in life, she made me feel loved, she made me feel like a full person, this is never a mistake!!!! this is something i will always consider very special in my heart!!!
I will always have a special place for Anna in my heart, i am sorry that this didnt workout like i hope, yes, some is my responsibility, yes, i know, i should have done more, i was not ready, i would have been ready now, i know the right thing, and strangely after she told she doesnt want to see me, i am even better for her, because i stop being a junkie!!!! now i have the head in the right place, and my heart is right, but its to late...
I would have been perfect for her, i know her, i know how to make her happy, i know what makes her stressed, i could make her life a pure heaven, she would had in me some who would never cheat, you would all to make her happy, to turn her life in magic event, it ddidnt happen....
As we lose this magic feeling in you, you start to see that part of the issues are not only mine, i put a lot of a lot of the blame on me, its true, all i say in this blog is true, i should have done a lot of things differently, but Anna, why didnt you fight more for us???? why didnt you gave me a change to speak, to act, to fight for us???
i know that it was hard times, but you never gave me a true change fight for us, you never said, i cannot carry on any more like this, for us have a future you need to move here!!! if that is what you really think we have no more future...she never ask that, she never said that, she never gave a true chance....what i would have answer??? what would have happen....we will never know..
there are things i dont understand, she told she feel alone, she was in a bad time, i try to be there, to help, to be her friend and in the end she told me i want to control her life, i didnt, true, honest!!! i was concern for her, i was trying to be best support for her, i was trying to be there for her, just that, not trying to control, not trying to clain a stake in her life, maybe i was too pushy, yes, i was a junkie!!! but the feeling was right!!! I think she need to look at herself, what she really wants, and see that what we need was just there, and the past and the future are not the same, and because people in the past was not honest, were not correct, doesn’t mean man are all the same, like I did at me, maybe she need to look at her, and like I was junkie, maybe she need to get out also of her process...this is the only way for her to be happy!!! if she doesnt, she will get attention, interests from guys, she is beautifull, she will get sex, but love???? she was hurt, manipulated, she was not treated good by same assholes, but she cannot think we are all the same, she need to see the some people can really be trusted!!!!
I care for her, I hope that Anna can be happy, i really do, i pray to god, for Him to put his hand in Anna shoulder, and give her peace of mind, to give her all the strength she need to have a very happy life!!
Maybe i am bias, maybe i am being unfair, but i think in a few years, not now, in a few years, when Anna will look back at her life, when her child grows up and move always, she will look back at life, we all do this, and she will see that there was this guy, who love her, always!!! who was always there for her, that always treat her like a princess, who was her friend, maybe she will realize them, she made the biggest mistake in her life, that she trade pure love, for a fake interest, she lost the love, a love of gold for some shiny metal, she let the fear of the past control her future...she made a mistake in let me go!!!! maybe she will realise that, but it will be to late...maybe she will find some one who care for her as much as i did....i dont know, life is a big mystery!!! i hope she will be happy, i trully hope so...
Right now my mind is almost at peace, i am taking control of my life!!! i am getting to a good phase!! all the other pieces are slowly getting together, my getting control of my life, i am ready to start a new life, a new happy life!!!
i have friendship with Anna to take care, and i will!!!!
But Anna was never a mistake!!! she was one best things in my life!!!! maybe the BEST thing!!!
Thursday 1 September 2011
junkie
The last days were everything but easy, i reach a low point, the women i love told she doesn’t want to see me anymore, i was not good for her, that i was negative, that i was not right for her....it was very hard, but didn’t understand, but them i had a long hard look at me...very long drives give you this chance...
its never easy to look at you, to see that sometimes you are more part of the problem, them the solution, i had become a junkie, a junkie of Anna love, since the start of the year, like any junkie, it start not bad, but them it start to worse, and worse, it was a classic process, like you become a drug addictions, i start to lose interest in everything else around me, all the things i like, all the people around me, they all start not interesting me, i start a strange process, i start a spiral process, i was more and more addicted to this!! you dont enjoy life, you cannot find joy, you cannot have peace, its so bad i lose a lot of weight, and hair, yes, i start to lose a lot of hair, i couldn’t watch tv, listen the radio, i was a mess, i was a source of negativity, i had become a junkie!!!!! i was in a moving in a nervous breakdown, i was moving towards a huge depression!!!
I had a case of a close family member developing a drug addiction, i saw all the process, and the shocking thing, i was show the exact same sign, the only thing important was the next fix, the phone call, the mail, the visit, and you stop at nothing, if you call and she cannot reach you, you try and try, and if you cannot get your fix, you get depressed, anger, you start feeling bad, you try again, its i was drugged addicted!!!
It so shocking to see this now, and its so strange that when the women i care so much told she cannot see me anymore,she saved me, she help me, she cured me, its like the addiction cycle was broken, listen to her say she maybe would never would see me again, was hard, very hard, but i cannot explain, we talk face to face, i listen, i told her i could be her friend, i didnt want to lose her friendship, she told me she would think about it, i told i would wait for her to call, to send a sms, i dont if she will call back, i hope she will...
i was praying a lot this last days, i light a lot of candles’, and for a day i was asking myself, i am good and god abandoned me, he left me to hell, and them like a miracle, because she told all does things, i was cured, dont get me wrong, its not easy, but i was cured of this addiction, i cannot explain, i am not an expert on this i just know what i feel, its like all the sudden, i could see the sun, i could start breathing, maybe she telling me she doesnt want to see me, was the best thing in my life, for me and her, i was not a good person, i had lost all my interest in everything, i was good at my sports, i was doing great at a European championship, top 5, and i was not having any interest, any joy, any fun, i couldnt be there, i could be any where, i was just thinking when i get the next phone call, sms, mail, when, can i call back!!! i never expect to be like this, i am glad she ask me to move away, i would have drown her with me, in this sea of negative feelings!!!
i was the worst kind of junkie, a needy person, a jealous one, a demanding one, i was never at peace with myself, i was always struggling, i was always trying to work for the next fix, i realise now, i was not a source of good, i was a source of negative feelings, even when i try to help, i become a mess!! i was not helping, i am just getting my "fix", i was just trying to get the next dose....
I was always stressed, i stop having any joy, job, sport, friends, i was always in despair, in anxious, no peace, i couldnt be alone, i couldnt rest, i couldnt find a moment where i would look at the sea and enjoy the moment, just for it self, no, all i was thinking was, when can i call, when i will get a mail??? and if this didnt happen, i become super stressed...a bad person...
i feel awful when i look at myself and see this, i am now have to read all the posts i did, yes, all the things i say in here are true, i have changed, i am a better person, i grow up, but i was also a mess, part of me was improving, the other part was going in spiral down, i read some of the post, i am honest in what i say, they are true, i will never cheat, i will make a effort every day, i will honest, i will give respect and love to the person i love, but i am also shocked by the desperation in some of the text, if we had by any chance together in last few months we would move towards a very bad split, we wouldn’t be any happy, why?? not because i had not the right feelings, the feelings were right, but i was not, i shocking but real, and its not easy to accept, but i was junkie, i would be insecure, jealous, paranoid, full of fear, always trying to control, to see, keeping asking for reassurance, i would become needy person, i would be worse sort of person, i would be a source of stress, a source of negative feelings!!! No a source of good things, of simple things!! i dont know if i will see her again, i dont know when i will her voice again, but i am ok, i hope we can be friends, i hope she can see that one day...
I am peace with me, i so strange, i lose the thing i care more, and i become at peace with myself, today i stayed home, and it was fine, i didnt had any lonely feeling, i didnt feel any bad, i smile, i am a nice person to my family, i sleep good, i didnt see bad time as a struggle, before i would everything no to go to bed, because i wouldn’t sleep, now i am fine, i am planning things to do, i use to meditate 5 minutes, its not a yoga or self help process, it was tool from my karate times, i would meditate to become a better warrior, i stop about six months ago, i couldn’t get any peace, i am ready to start again!!! I can be alone and be happy, be happy with just me!!! what a difference!!!
I see the sun, its like i was in the dark all this last months, an now i can see the sun, its like i am better, i look myself in the mirror, and i look younger, i true, its like i get younger by 8 -10 years, ok, maybe not that many, but i look younger, my colleagues, my friends, the people around me will be so surprise when they see me again, i am still not back to the old me, a force of nature, but i am getting close!!! all the sudden life is good again!!
its never easy to look at you, to see that sometimes you are more part of the problem, them the solution, i had become a junkie, a junkie of Anna love, since the start of the year, like any junkie, it start not bad, but them it start to worse, and worse, it was a classic process, like you become a drug addictions, i start to lose interest in everything else around me, all the things i like, all the people around me, they all start not interesting me, i start a strange process, i start a spiral process, i was more and more addicted to this!! you dont enjoy life, you cannot find joy, you cannot have peace, its so bad i lose a lot of weight, and hair, yes, i start to lose a lot of hair, i couldn’t watch tv, listen the radio, i was a mess, i was a source of negativity, i had become a junkie!!!!! i was in a moving in a nervous breakdown, i was moving towards a huge depression!!!
I had a case of a close family member developing a drug addiction, i saw all the process, and the shocking thing, i was show the exact same sign, the only thing important was the next fix, the phone call, the mail, the visit, and you stop at nothing, if you call and she cannot reach you, you try and try, and if you cannot get your fix, you get depressed, anger, you start feeling bad, you try again, its i was drugged addicted!!!
It so shocking to see this now, and its so strange that when the women i care so much told she cannot see me anymore,she saved me, she help me, she cured me, its like the addiction cycle was broken, listen to her say she maybe would never would see me again, was hard, very hard, but i cannot explain, we talk face to face, i listen, i told her i could be her friend, i didnt want to lose her friendship, she told me she would think about it, i told i would wait for her to call, to send a sms, i dont if she will call back, i hope she will...
i was praying a lot this last days, i light a lot of candles’, and for a day i was asking myself, i am good and god abandoned me, he left me to hell, and them like a miracle, because she told all does things, i was cured, dont get me wrong, its not easy, but i was cured of this addiction, i cannot explain, i am not an expert on this i just know what i feel, its like all the sudden, i could see the sun, i could start breathing, maybe she telling me she doesnt want to see me, was the best thing in my life, for me and her, i was not a good person, i had lost all my interest in everything, i was good at my sports, i was doing great at a European championship, top 5, and i was not having any interest, any joy, any fun, i couldnt be there, i could be any where, i was just thinking when i get the next phone call, sms, mail, when, can i call back!!! i never expect to be like this, i am glad she ask me to move away, i would have drown her with me, in this sea of negative feelings!!!
i was the worst kind of junkie, a needy person, a jealous one, a demanding one, i was never at peace with myself, i was always struggling, i was always trying to work for the next fix, i realise now, i was not a source of good, i was a source of negative feelings, even when i try to help, i become a mess!! i was not helping, i am just getting my "fix", i was just trying to get the next dose....
I was always stressed, i stop having any joy, job, sport, friends, i was always in despair, in anxious, no peace, i couldnt be alone, i couldnt rest, i couldnt find a moment where i would look at the sea and enjoy the moment, just for it self, no, all i was thinking was, when can i call, when i will get a mail??? and if this didnt happen, i become super stressed...a bad person...
i feel awful when i look at myself and see this, i am now have to read all the posts i did, yes, all the things i say in here are true, i have changed, i am a better person, i grow up, but i was also a mess, part of me was improving, the other part was going in spiral down, i read some of the post, i am honest in what i say, they are true, i will never cheat, i will make a effort every day, i will honest, i will give respect and love to the person i love, but i am also shocked by the desperation in some of the text, if we had by any chance together in last few months we would move towards a very bad split, we wouldn’t be any happy, why?? not because i had not the right feelings, the feelings were right, but i was not, i shocking but real, and its not easy to accept, but i was junkie, i would be insecure, jealous, paranoid, full of fear, always trying to control, to see, keeping asking for reassurance, i would become needy person, i would be worse sort of person, i would be a source of stress, a source of negative feelings!!! No a source of good things, of simple things!! i dont know if i will see her again, i dont know when i will her voice again, but i am ok, i hope we can be friends, i hope she can see that one day...
I am peace with me, i so strange, i lose the thing i care more, and i become at peace with myself, today i stayed home, and it was fine, i didnt had any lonely feeling, i didnt feel any bad, i smile, i am a nice person to my family, i sleep good, i didnt see bad time as a struggle, before i would everything no to go to bed, because i wouldn’t sleep, now i am fine, i am planning things to do, i use to meditate 5 minutes, its not a yoga or self help process, it was tool from my karate times, i would meditate to become a better warrior, i stop about six months ago, i couldn’t get any peace, i am ready to start again!!! I can be alone and be happy, be happy with just me!!! what a difference!!!
I see the sun, its like i was in the dark all this last months, an now i can see the sun, its like i am better, i look myself in the mirror, and i look younger, i true, its like i get younger by 8 -10 years, ok, maybe not that many, but i look younger, my colleagues, my friends, the people around me will be so surprise when they see me again, i am still not back to the old me, a force of nature, but i am getting close!!! all the sudden life is good again!!
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