if you are out there....

If you are out there, the one who will touch my heart, the one who will bring the magic back life, you bring back love, you will bring me that special of kissing some one good morning, i hope we can meet soon, that my eyes can see you, that love can feel my heart....every day i wonder if i will find love again...its a strange process...i am not looking for it...i am not checking girls...going to bars...i am just living my life....

i keep thinking, is there some out there for me??? that really special person?? i am happy, i dont need this person to make me happy, for this i have me, i dont this this person to take care of me, i can do this pretty well, i want is some to share, to do things together, to be partner, to laugh together, to come home at night and have a tender feeling, to feel special, this is what i want, will i have get this???

i miss having some one to love, i try to think, to relax, that one day i will find the One, i look around, i know i am could make this person happy, magic, i learn the value of respect, of love, of sharing...sharing..it a simple word, and yet, we dont take it seriously...we think, its more important gifts, presents, no, no, no...the secret of having a life, a love is sharing, sharing your life, giving time, doing things, do the work at home, washing the dishes, do the rock she can share her issues, knowing that she will never be alone, that there will be always some one there for her...sharing, share the laugh, the tears, the joy, the pain, if you share, for real, no agenda, no hidden motives, no account, you created a life not of two persons or 3 or 4, depends if you have kids, you make a life one a family, of us, not they, this is sharing, this is make a unity, a life of love!!!

i am the last romantic? i am the last person you truly believe in love???? i keep writing this blog as a way to
show to others that you should follow your feelings, forget the impression that people have on you, be honest to your heart, open your heart,be truly honest, be the best you can be!!

I have no love, i have love in my heart, and i am still here...i am still standing...i am still smiling, i am still trying madly to be happy, so please, if you are out there, if you exist, please God, give a sign, make me believe i still have change to love!!!!!!

Afraid

Maybe afraid is not the right word, maybe its disapoiment, being let down, the last months i start a process of rebirth, of recovering myself, from losing Anna, from being a junkie of Anna, to be a happy person, i always consider that i had a special place in Anna heart, like she have one in mine. Anna will always be special for me, i touch her, i loved her, i dream with her, i cry for her, i cannot say she is the same as other people in my life, she is special, i was thinking i was also special for her.

this is not loving her now, or she still loving me, its a past, a bound, a connection, this is supose to last and resist the test of time, we are not together, but i dont have any reason to be bitter, to be angry, to have any negative feelings for her...now i start to feel from her part a sort of distance, of ditachment that i dont understand, the last time we speak, it was like she was doing me a favour...like, yyyeaa..yeeeaa....what you want??? she keeps telling, i will call you tomorrow, them nothing happens...what is she trying to prove? is she trying to create a situation that i will be annoyed and  cut all the contacts and she will be ok because the bad one was me?????

i am afriad that we are become more and more apart, and there is no reason, maybe its just a moment, maybe its just my impression, maybe its a direct effect of all the stress she is under, i am not pushing. i will always show my best side, she will never get a bad word or gesture from me, she is special for me!!! if situation turns for the worse, i will walk away, but i will never be bad for her!!!!!

life is moving in my way, i am getting fine, i am doing a training event today, talking for 65 people all day is not easy, but i am doing fine!!!! almost to mature force!!! i am returning to my funny mad me!!! i am not bitter, i am not writting this with any bitter feeeling in my heart, i am just telling things as they are....

i aam better, i am good,  i am trying to reach her a hand, why????? because she is special, because i will never want to see her sad, my biggest wish is that Anna is happy, that she find the peace that wants, that she can wake with a smile in her face...i am willing to be there to help reaching this, i am not trying to win her love, i am trying to make her a happy person, this is different, i am helping with no second intention...big liar...that is what you are saying...big fat liar...you want Anna back for you!!!!!

do i???? i dont know, does the Anna i love exist???? does the person i love so much still there??? this is the question that we soometimes get wrong, when you slipt from a person, time, life change us, the person looks the same, but she/he is not the same...and that is a reason why sometimes wanting people back fail so much!!!! i know what i want...i want to be at peace and be happy,  and i am!!!! i want love, this i dont have...Anna love??? another person love??? i open to love, and love is a process that you need to be treated well, to be a friend you still need to be treated well, confused??? you are not the only one : )

life is a very strange and magic journey, i am find this now, i am walking toward finding myself, now i hope i can find some one on the way!!!

in zen there is a say, to eat one meal you need to clean the plates from the last meal, my plates are clean now!!!

failing

I am falling, i am falling on my word, i am falling on what i said, and i am honest, i am being honest with me, were can i balance between what i feel and i promise???

I gave my word, i gave Anna the promise there was no hidden plan, there wasnt, but i keep having feelings for her, i keep think about her, i shouldnt, i sould forget her, i should not worry about her, i shouldnt care if she is happy or not...but i care, i saw myself on the drive home thinking about her, wishing to hear her voice, but i am not going to call, i am not going to do nothing...i will try to forget all i feel...

i am doing the right thing? i dont know, i dont really know, i wish one thing very different from what i am supose to be able to feel, i have lots of feelings in my heart, i dont know if i should walk away from her, she is my best friend, she is the most important person in my life, and i am not calling her because i dont want her to think i am pushing her, its a bloody stupid and hard situation, i cannot show her what i feel!!!! i have to hide all my feeling, keep them in control, maybe i with time i will be able to lose this feeling...

but i also ask myself, why should i kill love from my heart? its painfull? oh yes, its very painfull, it hard, but i love her, i should not even say this here, but i do, i know not one will know, but i am being honest with me, i will not do anything, its not easy, you love some one who doesnt want you, who you shouldnt love, and if she knows this she cut with me, can i live like this??? i dont know...

i am fine, i am not mad, i am eating, sleeping, laughting, i am being me, a good happy person, but i could be the best person in this world if she loved me, where hope, life, time, destinity have for me??? i dont know...this is not a easy post, its a complex time in here, i will move to her city, i will see her in the future, can i see her with another guy? how much will i suffer? some days i think i will be fine, that i am fine with the situation like it is now, some other days i feel i miss her so much....right now there is a lot on my mind, i write this post, and maybe it will be the first since i start that maybe tomorrow, or in a few days i will delete, i dont know...its not that i am in pain, its that i am no sure about life, about the which road to take, maybe god have a plan, a good one, it would be great if i would understand it a bit better...

life..every day

I talk and write about i feel, about my life, about what i see, my daily life is the source for what i write in here, the way i feel, the way i live my life, the things i see, what happen around, its the source and inspiration for what i write, i was soldier in a war, would write about i see there...but i am just an average guy, with a desk job, so write about my life...

I learn a lot about life this last year, i learn a lot about me...about people, because of what i happen to me i now take lot of attention how people, couples, how they interact, how they give attention or love to their partners...its strange...i am now helping a friend solving his issues, and i am trying to safe his marrige...me...who couldnt help myself..i am now helping....but strangely i am doing good

If you pay attention when you are in a plane, bus, restaurant, pay attention...see how people interact, do they care? do they show interest? are they in a good place???

what i see almost every day is people stop caring for their partners, i see a lot of cheating, of not caring, that i why i have lots of post were this is talked about this,I am amazed by how much people seen not to care about their partners...i was traveling recently in plane next to me there was this young couple with a girl about 2 years old, the father spend the 3 hours of the flight playing solitar in ipad, and not even once talk to his wife or pay any attention to his child, yesterday while i was waiting in the supermarket there was a couple, around late 30, not even a look between them...what are they thinking??? how can they love someone if you dont even look your partner, your wife, or kid in the eyes??

what is wrong?????? why people think that love is such a minor thing??? why looks like no one makes an effort???? are people together "just because"???? where is the true love???? do people in our days not realy love??? do they just think a life to be shared, is minor thing, a game a joke????

maybe i am bitter, maybe its because i lost my love, but i dont see around people who are willing to make an effort, who trully love, who really care about the partner...

I am the last person who can see this???? i am just stupid for thinking that you can make a life of two persons a life long journey??? that love is worth an invesntment, in time, in dedication????? i am crazy??????

i believe in what i think its right, i know if i have another chance of love, i will be very different from what i see around me...

i always believe true love conquers all, maybe i am wrong.....

I am still fine, life is good, but love is missing....i hope 2012 will bring that magic back to my life!!! who knows??? a new city, a new job, a new love??