2013.....

2013, a new year is coming, how it will be??? what will be my life???' in this time of the year lots of us ask this question, how it will be 2013??? what this year will bring?

i am not asking for anything material, i dont want a bigger car, a bigger house, a new fancy job, no, i dont want more money, i dont want more things, i dont want any of that, if i was going to ask for anything in 2013, i would like to have more peace of mind, inner peace, happiness, love, this is what i would like...is this going to happen?? who knows....

how was 2012??? i start this year with hope, with fear, with a wish, with plans, for my professional life and my personal life, one year after i see nothing happen like i wanted, or plan....life chance my wishes...this year developed in a very different way that i was hopping, i reach the end of this year, with a very mind, with a very different heart them what i started...there was hope, joy, pain, sadness, darkness, pain, suffering, but there was also a rise, a fight back, fight to stand up, to be still standing...

all this stories about the end of the world, i laugh and smile during this year, when i listen to so many stories and ends, so the world didnt end in 2012, and yet for me a part of my life, of me, my world did in fact end in 2012, for me there was end of the world, i lost the most important thing in my life, and yet i am still here..i am breathing, i am still waking up every morning, getting in shape, getting my life in order, getting my inner peace, walking my path, follow my journey, i learn a lot of things in this year, the biggest lesson from 2012, i can conquer the end of my world, i learn this while walking, while surviving every day of this year, yes, i can survive the disaster, and move on with my life...i am better???? worse??? who knows, i cannot answer that question...i need to have more time before i can truly answer that...there are moments i feel i am totaly at peace with me, that i can move on with my life, others not so good, time is passing, the journey is moving me to better places....

2012 bring me a lot of good things, i have a lot of new friends, i was touch by the joys of friendship, i have new friends, i meet new people, this is one of the biggest gifts in life, to touch and be touch in your life by other people, to help, to be helped, to see new things, to life new experiences, i teach my sport to others, i walk the camino de santiago, i saw the best and worse in people...and all this in 365 days....

how it will be the next 365??? what do i wish? what do i plan??? for the first time in many many years i have no plans, i have no new year resolutions, i have no ideas about 2013, i will go back to my work, i will go back to my friends, my colleagues, i will continue with this this year journey, i will try to improve as a person, to be better for others, to make the life of others better, i will try to find inner peace, joy, laughter, that i can smile, that i can find a moment of joy in every day, that life gives a change to be touch by love.....

is not this what we should aim for???? tomorrow when the new year come in to our lifes, i will be here, i will open it with my open heart, and in 365 days i will see here this road have taken me....life is a journey, a war, just because we lose some battles, doesnt means we are defeated!!!! we are warriors, we will rise, we keep the path!!!! we are walking to find love!!!!!!!

life is a mystery, full of new and unexpected twists, maybe, just maybe, a miracle will happen, who know??? i believe that my path is the right one, and i will keep on walking!!!

Merry christmas?

I am home, with my family for Christmas, every where i go, there is this christmas music, the shops are full, the people are trying to buy the latest gifts for their love ones, its a good season, a nice time of the year....is this true???? is this real???

i must say, no, not for me, i dont feel anything, i am not in a true christmas feeling, not in the way christmas exists today, i think christmas is not buying things, its not going to shops or shopping centers, its about love, its about show to the people who you love how much they mean to you!!!!

i am with my family, and for the first time in the last 10 years, i dont have a christmas wish, i dont have any dream or hope, no, i have no plan....its a very strange feeling....last year i had hope, i had a plan, now i have nothing..

i am fine, i already bought some little gifts for my family, i am here for them, tomorrow i will call all my close friends, i will wish all of them a merry christmas, but there is one number i will no call, a number i would like to call, but i will not call....this is the way life is....i need to learn to live this way!!!

christmas is about love, about family, about be close to the ones you love, in this days, i feel a bit more down, a bit more blue, its like you are missing a part of you, its like the best part of you is gone, in this days i always use to think, about what i will buy Anna, what i would say to her, i really like this time, now i feel that i am a bit lost, that i am a bit at drift....

so tomorrow, i will go to my favorite place in the world, its a beach, i will drive, take the ferry... i always liked to be in there, i always feel good in there, its the place i always go when i am lost, when everything looks bad, its also a place where i was so happy, a place that was magic, a place that i will connect me and Anna every time i go there, even now when i go there i feel close to her.....i will be there tomorrow, to swim, yes, its cold, yes, its rough, but its a not so bad, and i can enjoy it....

i am starting a new phase in my life, i trying to move with my life, to move forward, every day i walk one step more in this path, every day i move another step in the right direction, like me, there is lots of people who see this christmas times as a time where society is almost shouting at you.....are you single??? alone??? what is wrong with you???? the answer is simple...nothing...i am fine, i am good, i am just trying to bring peace in my life, i am just trying to be honest with my life...so friend, colleague of this times, go to your favorite place, go to a happy place, do something mad, do something that keeps you alive, that you enjoy doing, see it as your christmas gift to yourself, but please, dont confuse this with buying things....no, dont buy nothing, this is about a find inner peace, joy, help some one, do a good deed, dont do it for recognition, dont do it for any reward, do it to celebrate christmas, this is what christmas is about, to bring good to others...

how will be our lifes??? who knows???? i know tomorrow i will be in a magic place, and for me this is my christmas gift....will i be sad? happy?? will i wish anything??? i dont know, i will see tomorrow... i will try to find a reason for my christmas, life is a long path, i am walking my path, my road, where this path will lead me??? i see will as i walk...

so, have a merry christmas...and never quit, never give up!!! we will be happy!!!

Darkness

My birthday was a few days ago, its suppose to be a happy time, but this time instead of happiness, i just had this deep darkness in my heart, for some moments the feeling in my heart was pain, resentment, angry, disappointment....i feel really bad, why??

why??? the must basic reason...i was hoping that independent of everything that happen between me and Anna, that we were in good terms, that i could expect a sms, a mail, a happy birthday in my FB, but as the hours of the time pass, i keep checking my phone, my page...nothing....in the end i send a sms, saying what i felt...and i did get a sms...did this make a difference???? of course it did!!!!! i am honest, i dont lie in here...its not hope, its not a sign, its nothing, its just a way to show we respect each other!!!!

yes, we are apart, we are not together, maybe i am just stupid, maybe i am not clever, i expect that some which i  share my life, that we important for each other, there is a level of care that you expect, a card, a sms, a touch, that this person was an important part of our life, i will always send a card to Anna, on her birthday, on christmas, i will never forget, i will never stop...

there is no plan, no second idea, its just a sign of caring, of respect, of being part of my life, and this was what i expect...

another thing that make me feel strange, is how much i still get affected by this, i am not ready, i am not free, my mouth can say, i am better, i am ok, my brain, may try to think i am fine...but my heart says...its not yet ok...its not fully free....

i dont like this, i suffer, i trully suffer, and this is not good, christmas is coming, and i trying to be ready, i am trying to be prepared....

Some people will never leave our hearts, i can spend the rest of my life without see Anna a single time more, and she will be for ever in my heart, i can be married, be a father, but there is things that we cannot errase, we cannot forget, we cannot get free...

is this good??? bad??? i dont know, each of us will have an answer, a reason, a way to deal with this...i just say we have to be honest with what we feel, of who we are, and learn to life with this feeling, with this situation, we can pretend, we can fool the rest of the world, but we cannot fool yourself!!!!

i let darkness enter my heart, maybe is the birthday, the upcoming christmas, there are dates, moments that are harder to live them others...we can only resist, how i deal with this??? i try to say to myself, hey...its going to be ok, remember the trail, remember how much tired and desperate you were and you kept on walking, i remember that i am here, i am alive, that i have friends, i exercise, i am trully in great shape...i thinking i was never in such a great shape...its all part of what we do resist, to survive...

i am looking for 2013....and for the first in a long time, i dont know...i dont have a plan, a wish, a way to guide me, just another year, another 365 days....maybe life will suprise me...i fight every day for that chance...its not easy, its not easy at all, but all of us, who pass the same hell as me, we need to fight, we need not to quit, we need to be still standing, we need to open our hearts, and try to believe in the future!!!!!!

why did i fail?

I had a big moment in my life, its this moment were you look back, where you try to think, what is my life until now? its was said that Julio Cesar cry at the tum of Alexandre the Great, when he was 33, because he didn't achieve nothing, and he thinking of himself as a failure..no, i dont have pretentious of being famous, or great, i am not even chasing fame, or glory, or money...

I just had a big meeting, the one you work for almost a year, where you see the work of one year down the line, after you this happens, you look back...i dont know why, on the professional front i doing ok, i am doing much better them i expected...but on the way back home, i start thinking, like making a assessment of my life...i am here for almost an year...i come with hope, with a purpose...

I fail...there is no ifs or buts, i fail, my biggest wish, my biggest dream didnt happen....i lost the two must important persons of my life, i still pray for them every night...i still tremble every time i see a car similar to the one Anna have...i am slowly bring my life togeter, but i am not good..so after this day, i wake up, i went to the beach, its a place in Anna country, it a place i like very much, its a big drive, i drove 1hour and half, in fog...i was in this beach at 8.30, 4C outside, the water must have been around 8c...there was no one...just a surreal fog....i get my wet suit...and i went for swim...it was not a swim, it was almost surviving the cold...i "swim" for less them 5 minutes..i was so cold...i couldnt feel my hands or feet...on drive back my feet hurt as they come back alive, its a very strange feeling, and i was thinking...why i do this?? i am mad??? no...because while i am doing this...or while i am pushing myself in the gym, or in my bike...my brain is closed...i am not thinking what i wanted...about what i lost...

why we fail???? why did i fail??? for so many reasons...but the main one is very simple, we thing we are more important the others...even when we are in a relationship, must of us, still think..what is best for me...this is wrong....we should think, what is best for my love...i am stupid??? i am crazy??? i am a whimp?? i am person with no spine??? no...i am just a person who loves...if we make the the other person the most important thing in our lifes, we make sure that there is no stress, that there is no bad moments, that we have love...and by doing this we make the other person do the same...she/he will think of you first also...this is the key of happiness....this is true love...

when we start having an agenda..a plans, a my... a me...a I..we are already on the way down...i was not perfect...far from it...but i learn...and i learn the hard way...i keep my word...the only reason i keep writting this blog is to try to save some person, or persons to go by the same hell as me...i help every time i can...i was in church and the priest was saying, what you do every day, the way you help and do go will help shape your future...i try every day to do good, for me, for others, i am not saint..i am not perfect...i fail in life...i fail because i was not enough for the person i love....so dont fail also...

i fail because i didnt follow my love to her new job, i fail because i didnt listen to her, to what she was saying behind the words, i fail because i was thinking i knew it all, that i had to think about me...i had a me agenda, i fail because i was stupid, because maybe i didnt eve understood how much happy i was with Anna, how much i love her, i fail because i didnt learn her language, i fail because i was to selfish....we should think about many things before we fail....but i learn my lesson, i will never fail again to the one i will love, we fail...we all do sometimes fail in life, but we should learn from our failures, we must rise again...

work?? money?? fame??? cars??? houses??? things??? you shouldnt care...this is not important, you can have a much more important thing...love...a partner, a family, a reason to come home, a magic person who makes you feel special, that you can conquer the world...that every day is a joy...this is the best thing in life...i dont have it...i fail...because i was centered on me...i was centered in my work, in my sport, in my visison of the world...i was not able to open my soul to all the love was giving me...i didnt open my mind to this two amazing persons...and now i push myself like a lost soul in the sea..while i could be sharing the bed with the most important person of my life...i could be making a nice breakfast in bed to love of my life and not running in  a deserted beach in the winter to feel my blood rushing again...i could be having a beautiful weekend of love and not about pushing my self to not be able to breath.....so i dont feel nothing, so my mind is empty, so i can have some peace,so please...dont fail...see the real importance of things pleace, please...fight for love, open your soul and heart...and dont be be a failure...be a husband, a wife..a partner...a lover...have pure love!!!!

Pride

Pride, how much pain and misery this concept have brought to so many people!!!! we are told to be proud, to have dignity, to be strong, to have pride, how much we lost??? how much people lost the person he/she loved because they were too proud???

when Anna told me she wants to break up, i had bought ring to propose to her, i had choose the place to do it, and what did i do??? nothing...i was thinking....hey i am man, i am not going to beg, i am not going to tell her, insted i should have said....marry me...i have a ring, lets fight this, lets see what is wrong...no, i said nothing....

i dont know if that would had made a difference, i dont know....i lost her...now a very expensive ring and box in the bottom of the sea...i couldnt look at it, and i couldnt give it to any other person....

why i didnt say nothing???maybe since a very early age, we are told, be strong, you are man, be proud, if she doesnt want you, its her lost...no, its not her lost, its our lost, we both lose, but most of us dont even see this...what i say here is not a situation were some one is abusing you, were some is treating bad, where some is cheating on you all the time, where there is no love, in this cases leave, run, kick this person from your life!!!! i am saying here is that some times because of minor things, we are to proud to look with your heart, and you forget that if you love some one, them you should fight for it!!!

we all make mistakes, we all have our flaws, but we should be more flexible, what is more important for you, one mistake or the person who you love??? i have a friend who is sperating from his wife because she had one night stand with one guy in a international conference, his wife told him, she told him it was a mistake, she was so sorry and she love him and she devasted by this, my friend who works for a consulting company, who works 12 hours a day every day, usual 6 times per week and flies usualy more 50 days per year to other countries, he is arldy home, how this mad working life help to this event??? did the decision he tookto the search, for material things to this?? in the end he decide to divorce her, i ask him, do you love her??? he told me, yes, but i have my pride, she cheated on me...that is just stupid...two person who love each going to be separeted, because of pride...learn to forgive...

i am not saying cheating is not bad, its super bad!!! but this two persons are going to end a relantionship of 20 years, two kids for a mistake, is this right??? should we forgive?? should we try to fight to improve why this thing happen???

i never cheated Anna, i could have, a few times, but i never did it, but i  fight enough for her??? i should have ask her not to go, to see if we could work out the stituation, that i want to marry her, that i want to have a kid with her...but i didnt, i was too proud...

and what this lead to??? i am alone, i lost the women of my life!!!!

i learn one lesson, we should learn to forgive, to listen to what you feel, to listen to your heart, what people say, what the "conventitions" said...its not important, we should listen to love, to the love that goes in your heart, be honest, be correct, be happy, be faithfull, be there for the ones you love, and strong, proud, all this things...is this better them love???

every one will have to make their on call, but i regret not open my heart and tell all the things that were in my heart, insted of trying to be tough and proud!!!!

to Anna child...

Yesterday, as i was leaving my gym, i saw this child, for a second i was thinking it Anna child, i stop, i look again, it was a different child, i was amazed how much this affected, made me think, will Anna child still remembers me? what this child thinks of me???

For me, this child is like my child, i will be alwyas available to help, to assist to talk, to be a friend, for anything, at any place, any time for the rest of my life, for me its like that child is like my own child!!!

I try with my stupid ideas to raise this child like it was my own, i didnt try to "buy" this child with gifts, by doing nothing, by being always the "nice", with left Anna do all the parenting, no, i try to be involved, i try to support, i try to all the things a real father would do, with what i was thinking to be right at the time, i dont say i was right, some of my decsions where wrong, i was not right, but i did because i care, because this child was like mine, that we were a family, not 2 + 1, no we were a team, Anna maybe thinks i was like this because i didnt like her child, its the totaly opposite, if i didnt care, i would let this child do anything, never say no, buy gifts, be a sort of safe escape from Anna rules, but this is not right, i love Anna, i love this child, they were my family, my life, my love, so i try to be a "father", maybe i was wrong, maybe i had a lot of stupid rules, maybe i didnt had the right ideas, i know a lot more now, i know the mistakes i did, but this should never be confused with no caring, not loving, i would die for Anna child, i found a little pack that Anna left in house with baby clothes, a spare that we had in my place, before we move together, i was recently at my home, i dont live there any more, i was trying to put my things in order, and i found this bag, i didnt remember, i open it...and when i saw the baby clothes, i cry, i cry like a baby, it was such an intense emotion, i was not prepared...life is no fair to you some times...

when you are part of some one life, when you see this child grow, i dont know what people think, but i share a few years with this child, i change dippers, i watch this child fall a sleep in my arms, i  check if Anna child was cold before i go to bed, always put a blanket on this child before i go to bed, , i with this played with child for hours, i saw this child cry, laugh, start making nice comments, talk, learn my language, share a start of a life...and them for this child i simply disapear...i abandon them....i move out of their lifes...

this is the child view, you have someone in your life and all the sudden this person is gone, if you are a grown up, you can explain, you can understand, for child, this guy, left me and my mummy!!! i didnt leave...i ask since i am here, when Anna was still talking to me, to see this child, every time Anna was saying...i cannot find a babysitter, i volunteer....i ask to see this child..no..this child start playing a sport, i was told not to go, i respect Anna wishes,but for this child is like i simply dont care, i dont like them any more...disapear from their life...and this hurts..i lose not one, but two of the people i car more in this world....

i am sure i am not the first man to have feelings for single mothers, but no one seens to care about what you feel when you are asked to leave....how do you related to the child....how this makes you feel and the child also....if i was the father, even a bad, lauzy father, i would have rights, but like this, i am no one...i am nobody, i cannot see this child, a child you feel like your own....do Anna, and all this other mothers think we dont care??? that we dont get attached?? it breaks my heart every time i see a child that is for a similar age, and its a remainder how much i lost in life, its like hits you every time, every day...

I know this child know i live close, in the same city, and i may never come to see this child again, i dont know what Anna told her child, for me this is one of the other super bad things of losing Anna, i am not just losing Anna, i am losing Anna and her child...i lose both....

but for a child life is simple, this man, simply is no here, he doesnt come to play with me, he most not like us any more....and this for me is the worse thing, i dont know what Anna told her child, i hope she explain that we are not together and i still care a lot for them, but i dont know...maybe one day i can say to this child, you are like my child, you may have a mother, a father, but you have in me a "father" a friend, some one who will be there for you any time and any where...

i have to tell one day this child that if i was push and strict was because i care, because i was thinking i was doing the right thing, i know now i was wrong, i didnt had all the answers, i was not right, but love this this chid like it was my own child, maybe i didnt show it, maybe i didnt let other people see what i felt, life teaches you a lot of lessons, and some you learn in the most hard way, its like life breaks your legs so you can learn to walk again!!!!! i learn so much and changed the way i am, i am better person now, i will be a better father, i just wish i didnt had to lose so much to learn this....

i still care so much for this child, i know that this child wanted a dog, and because of many reason cannot have one, i gave her a "virtual" dog, i sponsor a dog in a aminal shelther in the name of my love child, this dog is feed and care under this donations, i am sponsor this dog for the last year and half, i dont even know if this child knows...but i will not stop, as long i am alive the aminal shelter will have a dog sponsor under the name of my love child...

if i had a another chance i would have done so many different things, i would not get less attached, i wouldnt be cold, no, i would treasure each moment, i would savour every smile, every run in the park, every little discover, every time we would go shopping, i would treasure this so much....

i wouldnt be so strict, i learn a lot about educations, about being good, about raise a child is not a army drill, its about love, its about respecting the mother wishes, every day is not a fight, its not a "boarding" school drill, every day is about building a family, a place of love, a place where every one wants to return, its about creating the most beautiful place on earth, your home!!!!

i am getting better every day, every day i feel bettter with myself, i am on the journey to find inner peace, but miss "my child"....i will miss see this child growing up, share all the joys, the laughs, the smiles, i will not be there to support on the tough days, to be a confident of things this child could not tell her mother and father..no be able to teach my sports, tell this child stories about my traveling, about my adventures...maybe one day later...when this child is grown up...i hope this person will not forgot me, and one day i can tell how much i miss being there....

walking...

this is what i did for the last 10 days, i walk, i walk and walk, 50 kms more or less a day, i did think it was not that hard, but i was wrong, its very hard, you think, hey, i can walk at 5 km per hour,  and i can walk 10 hour...this is very nice in the first day, and in the first hours, them the backpack that you carry, start to feel more and more heavy, your feet start to feel heavy, you get slow, and the hours start to stretch, your feet start to hurt, and you start asking yourself, why??? why i am doing this walk???

this is a big questions, why did i walk the 500 km? i made this promise, i ask for some thing that didnt happen, but it doesnt matter what happen, doesnt matter that what i ask never happen, i decide i will walk!! yes there was many moments i consider giving up, there were moments i felt totaly lost, that i was crazy, that i should simply quit and go home..

but i didnt quit, i keep walking, even when my feet were hurting so much i was thinking that they were on fire, i would stop, take my boots out, my shocks, let my feet get cold, pretend everything is fine, its just a few km more, hide pain, try to forget the pain and move on....

i did the camino de santiago, many people speak about find god, about find enlightenment, about reaching peace with themselves, i hear of of this before i left, did i found any of those things??? no, if those things exist out there i didnt found them, i found goodness, i help others, others help me, i found different things, i found out how much pain i could suffer and still move on, i found out that even when you think i am lost, there is no way i will find a place to sleep tonight, you keep on moving until you find that place, i found out that if you have the right mind, the right attitude you can survive all the bad things life trows at you, is this God? my will power? i dont know but the big lesson,is doesnt matter how bad things look, i will find in me a way to move forward, i am still today not sure about everything i learn from this days, maybe it will take years, maybe i will never learn the lessons..i had reason i had to do this, i did, and i am happy that i did!!! i am some how better today them when i start walking....maybe not better, different....

you see, like in everything in life i saw the best and worse of people, i walk alone, for 10 days i keep walking alone, some days you meet other people, some days you dont see any one...i get rain, sun, dust, mud, and i keep on going....

did this help me?? strangely yes, for this days, my mind was empty and clear, i didnt think about my work, about my life, about Anna, no, i just focus on conquering the pain and move and them stop and rest and sleep!!! its a very basic life, walk, eat, rest and sleep, you clean your mind, its like you are purging your soul with pain and exercise!!  yes i could have walk less, or take more days, its like life, but this was what i had, this is what i how i had to do...and i did it!

and now??? is my life better? changed?? no, its still the same, i have still the same job, i still lost the person i care more in this world, but i learn that doesnt matter the pain, doesnt matter the desperation in my mind, if i found a strength and will to move, you will reach your destiny!!!

i ask myself many times will i return??? i dont have an answer, part of me wants to go back, another part says no, i dont know, i know that this help to keep my mind clear of everything else for 10 days, and this is precious, i hope i can have now a more clear mind for my future...

i also dont need to lie here, i carry two little shells, that i hold in my chest, i wear them every day, i still use them now, everytime i was ready to quit, i looked at them, and i remember why i was doing this, and carry on, this shells are my more precious good, i will treasure them, they have a two owners, which maybe one day i can give the shells, and i also carry a t-shirt with a code, i finish my walking with this t-shirt A-99! its a message of hope? a farewell? a last goodbye?? i dont know, i know that this journey show me that life is not easy, that you will suffer, that there will be pain, but you have the choice to carry on, of not quiting, of trying to find in you that last spark of energy to move, that mind set that keeps telling you...keep walking...dont stop...move...there is a nice place waiting for you...

so if you are in moment of your life where everything looks desperate, remember, there is always two choices, to give up or fight back, give up may look more easy, more tempting, you will suffer no more, but you will never reach what you want, what you deserve, what is right, so keep on walking, keep moving forward in your path, your feet my have blisters, you many have your own blood in your socks, and you keep moving, even if every step is pain, that you leave your bed in pain and know that you have to walk 50 kms that day, yes quitting is easy, but you dont reach the end of your journey by quitting, so do like me, my friend, we can conquer life, we can reach our destination, doesnt matter what this destination is, we just need to keep on walking!!!! 

simplify your life?

We all say we want happiness, love, joy… and yet we spent most of the time complain that life is not fair, complicate, not easy, that we cannot find true love, care, a person who truly love and understand us…

Life is not supposed to be simple, its suppose to challenge you, to be discovered, to be shared, to be lived, our journey can be happy or sad, we can smile, laugh or cry, the difference is how we deal with pain, with adversity, with not finding what we want, with lost, with others, we all suffer, we all get push down, we all bad moments, I only found how strong I really went i hit rock bottom, when being strong was the only choice left, when being strong was the only thing to do, them you see what you are made up!

when tough things happen to some people, they never look up to the sun again, fail to see love, stop believing in love, fail to let love enter their hearts, they think too much, create many rules, other conquer their wounds, the pain, and rise again, and starting walking towards happiness, towards a new start, it’s a choice we make, it's our decision, don’t be afraid of risks, of pain, of trying, of discovering, of see a new chapter, of giving changes, be instead afraid of not trying, of closing down, of stop living and just wait, so please live, love, give life a chance, give happiness a chance, life will smile back to you!!!

The path to all you want, a family, love, happiness,  is not reached by making more money, by trying to get a higher status, it's not material, it's just a person, someone who will be there for you, with only love, pure love to give you, and sometimes this person is there, just in front of you, and yet you fail to see it, and one day when you realise this, and you may will spend the rest of your life asking, why I let the best thing of my life go????

we live in a time where we are "told" that we are only happy if you have this or that, that there so much people out there for you, that relationships are easy, that love is "easy", that you can find a person really fast, those are the biggest lie ever!!! love is not easy, or plenty, its rare, its precious, its hard to find, its should be treated with your life, its the most important thing in your life, no the car, not the bank account, dont be confused, see the true important things!!

life may take you down, life is not simple, life is unfair, but please don’t be afraid, don’t be blind, open your eyes, your heart and be brave, take a chance before life takes away this chance, maybe for some people this change is already too late…

today i am in a foregin city, i took a plane, a bus, another bus, and i am in a place that is very special for me, its a city in spain, its a place full of memories, a place where i find myself connected, sometimes in life we try do to many things, its never the right moment, not the right time, this time i made a choise...

Drake said, "The biggest mistake one can make is walk away from the person who actually stood there for you and waited for you", how many persons can you say that always really stood for you?

and yet every day we do this, we sometimes dont even realise what we lost, only much later in life we see the mistake....so dont do this mistake, if you have doubts, fight for your love, fight for the person who is sharing your life...dont do it like me, dont lose the most important thing in your life...

now i have to walk away from the person i love, the person which after all this, after all the pain, all the suffering, i still love, and yet i am walking from this person, i am walking away from what i want, from what i wish, maybe after this walk i can see more clear, have more peace in my heart, i am recovering, i hope that i in a path to new life....

In fact in the end we all have to choose, our life is a total of all the decsions we take...I took my decision, I made my choice!!! Now I have a direction, a clear path, my mind is clear…

Tomorrow I start walking!!! i have more them 500km in front of me, Santiago de Compostela waits for me...

Fear...

Fear, one of the basic feelings of life, it keeps us in perspective, it avoid us of making some decisions, fear is a bad feeling, i was afraid, afraid to express what i felt, what i wanted, what i wish...

i was afraid of taking risks, of moving here when my love moved here, i was afraid to open my heart in 2003, what all this fear lead to????

how many of us feel fear today, of telling this person you watch, you love, and you are afraid to say, i love you!! how many of us are afraid of changing jobs, of following the one you love???

why??? why are we so afraid??? we are afraid because we are taught not to take risk, to be self centered, to think things will be ok, that life shouldnt be with risk, we are afraid of getting hurt, of feel pain, you not getting what we want...so we lie, that everything is fine...that you dont love this person, that you like your job...

and life hits back like a thousand bricks!!! you see the person you love move with some one else...you see your chance move away...and you ask yourself...why??? you say...life is so unfair!!!! but, what did you do?? did you did everything you could??

i was afraid...i had fear..i paid the price...the price i paid is the most heavy price...i lost the love of my life...yes, i learn from my mistakes...i will never do the same, i will never again fear take control of my life...

this is why i keep writing this blog, its a way i can clean my soul, and help some one out there, i read to much crap on the net, on books, the basic message is the same...you..YOU...YOU...life is all about you...about your need, your wants...NOOOOOOO...life is about sharing, is about making others happy...its about be able to be honest with you..its about not be afraid of taking risk...

so please forget your fears and take the risk..will you end with what you want??? i dont know...you dont know...but if you dont try, you lose twice, you will carry on in life asking what if??? and you will lose what you want for lacking of trying!!!

will you be hurt??? maybe...but life is not a walk in the park...its a run in the mountains...you will fell you will hurt yourself, but you will be alive!!!!

me??? i have no fear...none...i have zero fear, at all levels of life, i lost everything...i dont speak about material things...this dont matter, i lost the things i treasure more, Anna and her child, they were everything for me, now i have nothing, this took the fear away from me....its a strange process...

yesterday i after work, i went to ride my mountain bike...i recently fix my bike, the breaks were not working, the i went to try it...on a very hard downhill, my breaks stop working, doesnt matter if you press the breaks or not, nothing really happen.....i could see the trail getting narrow and i could see the corner going, i know i wouldnt make it, i try to break with my feet on the rear wheel....i didnt make...i felt...my front wheel is garbege, i broke my helmet...my left harm is blue and black bruise....i have still a bit of pain when i breath...i think i have a broken rib...and i didnt felt nothing...there was not this fear feeling, no moment think...this is going to hurt.....i knew i was going to crash, that would be a big crash and...nothing...no feeling...there was no fear, no feeling, yes, there was blood, and pain, but its the pain you have from your body....physical pain, this is a different thing...

why??? i am on a sort of death wish???? no...i simple need time to feel again...you have love, a reason to life...you will have fear...now i have none...there is no fear, nothing....just a empty feeling...

life is a journey, i am will keep walking my path, but if you are in crossed road of your life, if you have love and are afraid of expressing your feelings to that special person...dont wait for tomorrow, for next week...do it...do it now!!!! please!!!!! you dont want to feel what i feel now!!! be brave, love!!!

part of me died saturday!

The best part of me died on saturday, i meet Anna, to give her some legal papers...we talk and she told she meet some one..that she is in love...that he is good for her...what can you do when you hear something like this??

you close your mind, your heart, you try your best yellow smile...you try not let tears role in your face and try to make sure you voice doesnt betrays you and i say...i am happy for you, i hope you will be very happy! i am happy??? this is the biggest lie of my life, i am happy??? hell no..i am not happy, i am beyond sad....this is the thing no one wants to hear...that i hope she is happy is true....i told her...if this guy doesnt treat you right i will break his legs! i am not a bully, i am not this bouncers in night clubs, i am regular guy who works in a office...would i break is legs?? why did i said that???i dont know..maybe because if some one hurts Anna or her child in any way...i would propably do much worse them breaking legs...is this a racional thinking? is this what you are supposed to do???? of course not, but if some guy hurts Anna on purpose....i dont know....

I expect this to happen one day...not so soon...but i cannot do nothing...i hope Anna dont rush things and marry this guy...or have a kid...if this happen i prefer not to know...i prefer not to know this is happening...yesterday i had a feeling i fail...i fail in life...it the first time i felt i am failure...that i fail in the most important thing of my life....i lost Anna...yesterday felt i fail in life...all the things i have...i achieve, meant nothing...i lost the only think i cared, the only thing that is totaly important for me...did i lost her just yesterday??? or a few months ago...or a few years ago??? you lose a person when you lose hope....and you lose hope, you lose this persons...i lost Anna, more them once...but there was always a little hope...life always brought us together...so many times..that i start to believe there would be hope...even now....now i lost it...and its for good...now hope is lost...now i am alone in this world....

the strange part is life, the past is the same, i cannot change it, but today if i look back in my life, we see life with different eyes, depends a lot in the moment you look, today i have a feeling i failed, i failed in the most important thing of my life...that my love was not enough, that you can have all the right feelings and you dont get any chance to show them, to prove to the person you love her so much, how we would be great together, today i feel...i am a totaly failure...

i am not at peace...i am not at peace at all...the best part of me, the light of my life is gone...i am trying really hard not to let darkness enter my heart, i am trying to find a good in this day...i went out after that talk with Anna...i had dinner with a friend...today i went to do my sports with another friends...this is the best thing...i have friends who are helping me in this hour...it a dark hour..its a closing time....i have to close Anna in my heart, i cannot wait any more...i cannot hope any more...i cannot think..one day...no...i have to close Anna...i was even thinking to close this blog, my facebook account...quit my job, and leave, leave for a place no one knows me, where i know no one...but i decide...no...nooo...i have a job...i have friends..i am not a quitting person....i will move on...i will move away from pain....

the best of me is dead...but i am still alive...i am still here...i am still in my feet....my soul is hurt, but its not lost....tomorrow is a new day, everyday will be a new hope, a new start, i have plans....i am plans for me...i am plans for my future...soon i will start a epic journey....i will walk 500 kms in 10 days...i am ready...i am ready mentaly for that...i will carry a book with me...a blank book which i will fill every day with my hopes, pain, and memories, i will take photos...i will see this as a new start of my life...i will start soon...early next month...i need to book a plane, get some materiaal...i cannot go like this....life is a strange process.....can i hope with any future happiness in my life??? love??? right know i am in a dark phase, its painful, you lie to yourself, you say i am fine....but you are not...

i am going to pray, i am going to ask God about a lot of things....maybe He can listen, if you come across this blog, please, pray for me, ask God to touch my shoulder and give me peace and dont let the darkness enter my heart.....right now i have to much darkness in my heart...this is not good...

Why i write this blog?

For a moment i decide to stop this blog, it was after Anna ask me to leave her life, i stop, them i decide to continue to write, why? why i decide to carry on???

why? i keep going, because writing this blog is a way to say everything i cannot say in real life, i dont need to pretend everything is fine, i dont need to put on a show, its a way to be able to express everything that i feel, to help in my recovery process, this is the most honest part of me, in here, everything is true, i dont have to pretend, i can tell everything!!!

will i stop one day?? i dont know, maybe one day i will stop, or not, but i aslo keep writting so others can learn from my mistakes, so i can do a bit for others, to help others, to try to avoid to others the pain i endure, the pain i suffer

there is no hidden interests??? i could say no, that i have no plan, there is not secrets, i wouldnt be totaly honest, i can say, with full honesty, i write to help me, to make me get ride of all the things that are in my heart and soul...maybe, in the back of my mind i keep writing hoping one day Anna will find or read this blog and realise that there is a person in here you will love her for forever...i know this would change nothing, i know i lost....but i this writing helps me, so i keep on writing, for Anna, for me, for all the other people who are in the same situation as me...

i keep on writing, its my way to deal with pain, to deal with lost, its a way to tell any one and no one the things that goes in my head, my friends, dont want to listen to me, they dont understand my journey, my love, maybe if i was in their shoes i wouldnt understand it either, that is way i write, that is a way i express this feelings, its also a therapy, it makes me more calm, it helps me show how much i lived, how much my life changed, its a a road map for the future, so i dont do the same mistakes in the future...

whyi keep writing about me and Anna,you can say, hey...she doesnt care about you!!! i dont mind, i dont control what other people feel, just what i feel and i most be honest with myself...and keep this blog alive i keep expressing everything it comes to my head, to my heart, maybe one day i can show this to Anna child and show her i didnt leave her, that i was pushed out, maybe she can see me with a different eyes, not like some one who abandon her and her mother....maybe one day she can understand...

i also write to people who come and read this, you are not alone, you are not the only person going through hell, there is other people out there, and we keep fighting back we keep falling, but we keep also rising, we are in pain but we wear a smile in our lips, we dont show how much pain we feel, we keep saying...i am fine...its a lie, but we hope, deep in our soul, that one day its not just a line....its reality....this blog is a true picture of me, how i am, what i feel...this is me without the mask....

so i will keep writting...until the day i stop...so why i write??? for a simple reason...love!

back to your home

I start asking myself this question yesterday while i was at work, it was getting late and i was asking myself, why i dont go home, this is a question we all ask yourself, the day is long, why dont we return home??

the question is what returning home means to you? do you want to return home to have a nice comfortable place, a place where you can rest, enjoy your music, read a book, watch tv??? is return home a sort of stress??? broken relationships, tough kids??? for each one of us return home has a meaning, a meaning that only each of us can relate to

what means return home to me???? now is a comfortable apartment, where i can rest, but doesnt feel anything special, its not because is not huge, its not because it doesnt have a sea view, this things may look important, but they arent, for me return home for a moment of my life meant return to the persons i love, it was the best part of the day, it was a joy, it was a moment i wait all day, i would see the two most precious persons for me!! it was not the size, the view, it was the human touch, the feeling of there is a place in this planet where i was trully at peace, trully happy!!!

now this is over, i have a place of my own, its ok, but i am not chasing a big apartment, a sea view, the huge tv, the super cool sofa, no, house is just a place i come to rest, a place to sleep, there is no connections, no magic, this magic is the share of space with the persons you love, how many of us, loss this on the way to get a bigger house, a sea view, a larger car, why???????

are we so lost that forget that the most important things in our lifes are not the size of our houses, the size of our wallets, the size of our cars???

when i was with Anna, i didnt work late, i was always eager to return home, i remember one time i was out, to do an audit, i was driving back is a monster rain, i couldnt almost see, i was driving at 30 kms per hour in the highway, and it was pretty safe because every one had stop, no one was driving, just me, i couldnt stop, i had a reason to come home, i had love!!!

I see to much people avoiding going home, chasing money, chasing material things, and them they complain that they have a stressful family life, how cannot you have one??? you dont take care of the most important thing in your life, the persons you love!!!! stop, stop while it still time, forget the work, the money, and return home, return home totaly!!!!

i have this dream, i dream it still today, i dream that one day i return home and i have Anna and her child waiting...i would only ask...please, stay forever!!!!!! i can only dream!!!

return home, for me is nothing, is tv, music, a book, for many is so much more, can you see the value of what you have??? can you put a price in love??? and yet people do it every day..for a larger house, a sea view...dont be stupid, dont be a fool...fight for what is important, your love!!!!

At drift

Time is passing, time heals all wounds, time cures everything, but, why there is always a but, i am still miss Anna, i could lie and say, Anna?? who??? i wouldnt be honest, i saw her today, i gave some legal later that arrive for her..life brings me pieces to remember her, its letter send to my old address to her, i collect and give them to her

everytime i see her, i realise what i real feel, not what i want to feel, what i should feel,when i see her, its pure honesty, i cannot lie to myself, the first think in my mind is to give her a huge kiss, i saw her today, i miss her so much, i have this speech ready, to pretend i am so cool, that i am so fine....lies..but when i see her everything is forgotten, i dont remember nothing, i feel like a kid who is 15 and is in front of his first love, you cannot find the right words, the "cool" thing to say, i just said what i feel....and sometimes i shouldnt...

i just saw ther today and i still feel like the first time i saw her, i love her!!!!! i totaly love her!!!!! it was a short talk a few fast minutes, but everytime i speak with her, there is no pressure, its like there is a magic between us, like for that moment everything is perfect, i miss this, i miss her, i miss her smile, to see her big beautifull eyes, listen to her voice....

and i know, i know i am not part of her life, that i discarded cart, it hurts to say this, it hurts to still have this feelings for her, i shoudnt even let this word come to my mind, but i do, i realise one thing, i can no see her for months, i could never her see her again, but my heart is stupid, he doesnt learn about time, he just tells me, i love Anna!!!!

i have to learn to life, to life in a different way, we try forget the persons we loved, i cannot do that, i cannot forget Anna, what i need to to is not forget her, not to try to stop loving her, i need to learn to live with all the love for i have for her and not be with her, i need to learn how i can carry on living without see her, i need to learn how i can enjoy every day without having her next to me, i need to see other people, to find a different way to love others, is not easy, but i have no choice, i need to carry on...i need to live...

we are so sure in some moments, stronger, who have a plan, and all the sudden, you see the person of your life and you are like a lost kid, like a lost soul....i love ANNA!!!!!!!!!!!!! and yet i will never will have her...i need to learn to live with this facts and learn to move!!!

this is a very tough part of the year, tomorrow it makes on year of my darkest day in life, so lots of feelings, lots of memories, lots of things passing your mind, its a tough time, a confusing time, my path is not an easy one, but i am right way! i hope!!!

maybe one day, maybe if some one else cross my path, i find happiness, love, a reason to be trully happy, i believe that will happen and i am working for that, i am not having sorry of myself, i am out there, i am facing life, i am out there taking my chances, to be happy with what i have, moving forward with my life!!!

last year i ask go for a "favour" and i made a "promise" to God to "pay" this promise, that promise didnt come true, i didnt get what i wanted, but i will still honor my part, why?? its a question of faith! maybe the promise will happen, i dont know when, so i do what i promise to do!!
I carry on living....looking for the future, and starting walking to new day!

Stronger

I am reading a lot, i currently reading a very interesting book, it speaks about the difference about being tough and being strong, the main difference is tough makes you not feel, it makes you indiferent, it makes you distant, in a short line, it makes you less human, less able to feel, to love!

stronger makes you deal with the situations, makes you feel the pain, but you can resist, you can move on, you can learn from the pain, it keeps you open to feel, to love...

I realise one thing, i for a long time i was focusing on being more tough, and i was not getting better, i am moving towards being indifferent, to lose touch with life, i am now focus on being strong!!!

there is no magic soluction, there is no magic pill, we all deal with pain in different ways, i for a long time ask myself, why??? why?? I could have give Anna everything she wanted, a husband, a partner, a suport, a friend, a rock, a funny guy, love, true love...i stop ask myself why??? i dont know the answer, i maybe will never know, i am sure many of us in the similar situation ask ourselfs lots of questions, we keep trying to understand...

maybe the best is not to understand, is not knowing, its simpler learn to deal with the fact, i have no love, i lost her, and just look at pain in the eyes, while we keep asking questions, while we keep looking for a reason we avoid the basic thing, we are lost, we are afraid, we dont want more pain....no, look at the pain in the eyes, look in your heart, look at the hole in there, look at your fears, this is the only way we can move on with our lifes, doesnt matter what will happen in the future...we need to face our biggest question...she/he is gone...

i need to learn face this question....i can wish to go back in time, i can wish for a miracle, i can wish for a new chance....but i need to face the cruel reality, its not going to happen...

so i need to be stronger, and i am getting stronger every day, its a battle, day by day, like exercise, if you want to be in shape, if you go to the gym one day, you dont get in shape...its a long process, you need to exercise for a long period, the same thing with getting stronger, every day you get a bit stronger, you must carry on day by day, you are not getting stronger to revenge, to show to the other part what she/he is losing, you get stronger to live with joy, to enjoy your own life, to be happy!!!

i am getting stronger for me, and me only, so i can start a new phase in my life, so one day you can wake up and feel the joy of life in full force in your heart!! people say...i am not that strong...i was reading recently, "you only find how strong you are, when being strong is the only choice left"...its true, i live this, this being strong as nothing to do with being fit, in shape, have muscles or not, its about the capacity of dealing with problems that affect our lifes!!!!

Being strong is not about using other people, its not getting lots of girls, its not about stop believing in people, is not about lose hope, its not about lying, its not about being an asshole...a make believe "casanova"!!! its the opposite, its about being fair, just, its about learning and believing you will find some one who you can love, that life is beautiful, that people deserve a chance, that you are honest, that you can one day find love, that one day you can look in the eyes of your fear, and insted of being cold with fear, just smile....

how we get stronger??? there is no magic way, which one of us will have different way, we are all different, we all do things in a different way, for me, i read, punch my exercise bag, i run, i face the ocean, i see my friends, and i am honest, there are moments even i do all of this, i not happy, that you still think about that magic person...that there is still moments that you feel that you will break up...but day after day, you will learn to get better control, you will find joy in little things, you will be better, it not a instant process...you need to tell yourself...i am fighting a long war...not a battle...this is a war...a war with yourself, a war that you will only lose if you stop believing in yourself....every day is a battle....and every day is victory...so fight...fight like me...dont hold back...fight like today is your last day, fight like your life depends on this...this is a fight you cannot lose!!

i will not lose, i am a fighter and i am getting stronger!!!

future????

I am at a cross road of my life, when you are in the early 20s or even in your 30s you think that you have all time in the world, but do we have all this time??? i am facing a big question, a question that i ask my self every day, what do i want??? what is important for me???

and i realise one thing, i am trying to avoid answer this questions, i try to pretend i dont have to make any choice, that i am just giving myself time, and insted i am not taking the must basic question of my life..what i will do next? what i do i want for the future???

i dont speak about work, i dont speak about money, about carrear, no, i speak about love, i speak how i see my future as a person...as some one who can be a partner for some one...a husband, a father...

i has taking with some friends yesterday, we spoke about life, about relantionships, about love,about precious moments, about what is important for us, and as i was driving back home, i realise one thing, something i dont want to admit, all my taking was about how great Anna was, how much she shape me in a better person...how the best moments of my life were at her side...its not easy...

i waited, i hoped, and i lost, i lost her, and i dont want to feed me with expectations..i dont want to be back to place where i wait for nothing...to hope and nothing will happen..i dont want to see my life pass by me....

and yet, i feel less and less the need to go out, i am fine, i am reaching a peacefull state, and i start to feel that i dont need to go out, that i dont need to go to parties, that i can focus in relaxing, enjoy time with my friends, and keep with my sports...that i dont need no one...

am i lying to myself??? should i start see some one i dont trully love? some i care, but there is not that special feeling??? i am not afraid of being alone, i am not afraid of coming home and there is no one there....

dont get me wrong, life is better shared, life is supposed to be a journey were people are side by side, not alone, but if if you have to walk life alone, do it with a pure heart, with honor, with courage, this is what i try to do now, i am trying to find lots of answers for questions that i cannot maybe handle now...

i am thinking about going to spain and do this walk to santiago, the santiago trail, i would walk 500 kms, its to give myself time to think, to isolate myself from the day to day, to look at my inner soul, to question my feelings, to look at me, and try to find what i want, my true honest wish, and them life with this, in a honest way, we cannot escape the our own voice, you may lie to others, but you cannot lie to yourself, and this is the biggest mistake we do, we lie to ourselfs, we lie to ourselfs every day, in our work, in our relantionships, in our goals, we start living others peoples lives, we stop living our own life and become a image of what others, or society, or the image we would like to show...we are no longer honest, why???? because its easier, because it helps us conform, with help us better join the group...

this is what scares me, i am not being honest...with me, do i want to forget Anna??? do i want Anna to disapear from my mind??? do i have feelings for her?? will i wait??? will i hope for miracle??? there is a line where you know what is possible, and should you carry on living with a "hope" of something that you know that will never happen??? i dont have any answer...but i need to look at me and see my answer...not other people answer...mine...and learn to live with it!!!

can you live like this??? i am wasting my life???? i dont know, there is many questions in my mind, and yet i see the storm clearing, i see my boat broken, but i still floating, i can start reparing my sails, i can start to see the sun behind the clouds, i can start to feel back in control, i start to feel i can start thinking to reach a port, i hope as the night falls, that i can see the stars and not only clouds and rain, i can only ask from myself to be honest, true, just, peaceful and strong!!!!

life is path, a journey, dont let fear be your guide, let love guide you, and with love, pain, miseray suffering, will never in vain!!!! be honest with yoursef!!!

listen to others?

When we face a situation in your life, sometimes we listen to others, our family, our friends, we talk, we listen, we trust their judgements, we listen to to what they say, and sometimes we do what they say!!

Last week Anna ask me for a favour, i didnt think, i didnt start thinking what was the right thing to do...i simply did what i felt right, i help!!! she need some papers..i get the papers, people may ask, why??? because i dont keep an accounting system, i do what i felt was right!

was i suprised?? yes, very, i never expect her to contact me, special after the last time we saw each other, where she didnt even look at me, considering the things she told me, i didnt expect this, but i am honest, with me, i dont have any anger, i help.

was it easy? no, i for a month keep trying to rebuild myself...not to think of her, hide her from my heart, and there she was, contacting me..

and after the papers what to do?? how to give them to her, i think, mail them, leave them at her mail box...yes, i could have done that, but i send her a sms, what she wanted to do? she aks me to meet her in our gym, i did think...it was wrong...i did what people told me to do, i was lisining to the voices of others, to the opinion of others, i was listen to many voices, which none was mine...i was trying to be the "hurt" part, try the approach...now you play by my rules....but i realise...it was not me...i was doing things how others expected...not how naturaly i would do...

i went, i saw her, i talk to her, i smile, i enjoy see her, she is so beautiful, she lights my life and yet i cannot let any of this come to me...i dont know what this means...maybe means nothing, just a favour...for me the best is the fact we can have a moment...a talk...a smile...that i no longer a stranger...

i know what all the people will say...my family...my friends...that i am stupid, weak...i am being manipulated...that she is bad...i dont care..this is life, i make my own choices, i listen to what others say, but i make my own choice!!!

i listen to my heart, to my soul, i list to what i feel, i did what i think was right, life is a long journey, and i dont want to lose the most precious person in my life because i become "proud" or "strong", life is is about forgiving, its about see the future and not the past, is about hope, its about joy, its about find the light, find your own path,

i dont let hope enter my heart, i dont try to see this as a new chapther, as show that i may still have a chance in the future...no...i keep living like i lived this last month....moving forward...alone...

when you have to make a choice, dont try to think about what other people would tell, what you are "expected" to do, what others think its right...what is the general expectation, just listen to your heart and soul, dont be proud, be human, be fair, be humble, be just, be forgiven and be yourself, listen to you, because its you who have to life with the decision you take, is not the others, its you, you will have to live for ever with your decisions, so listen, but in the end, listen to your heart and soul,

i did, i am happy i did, and would have be more more "easy" to be proud, to be "angry", but no, i was just me, and i am happy i did, i am happy that i had one more change to see Anna, to talk to her, to bring peace in my mind and heart!! i will help her always!!!

now? life goes on, alone, like before, facing the ocean, looking for my habour, looking for my star, moving on in my path, and doing it with an open heart!

how to forget?

this is the hardest decision in my life, this the must the sadest moment in my existance, i cannot express how i feel, i must have to "forget" Anna, i have to block her from my mind, pretend she is not here, that she is not living close to me, that we dont use the same gym, that we dont life in the same city...

i have to close my mind and pretend i dont see her in my heart, that i dont dream with her,that i feel nothing for her....but had else can i do??? what else can i try to do???  i cannot do anything else...i must move her aside...i must close my eyes, i must close my heart, i must be strong, i must be brave...when you face losing the person of your life all the rest becomes small and not important!!!

I told her, i couldnt be her friend, i didnt say what i mean...i could be her friend, she will be always a friend...i wanted to say, i want more them just be friend!!!! what wan to be the man of your life...but now doesnt matter, she banned me from her life...i live to forget, to rebuid myself...

i stop writing this blog, i write now for all the souls, who like me are lost in this fight, i am tired of internet advice, of book advice, of friends advice...its better for you...its her lost, you will be fine...there is lots of girls out there...be happy...have fun....do things you like...think about bad things about her...

i am fade of this advice, its crap!!! its full of made lines, of make believe soluctions, like we are all alike, that we all feel the same way...i need my way, you may need a different way, we all are different, we all are alone in this fights...i stop listen to others...i listen to my heart, to me, i am me...i am not a number...we are all different, we all do things in a different way...this lost will be with me for ever, and i am trying to be the best i can be to others, this is my way to cope with my lost, i try to help other people, in little or big things, i dont do it for a reward....not to impress, not to pretend i am good, i do it, so other have a better chance to be more happy them me...

can you forget??? i cannot, i dont think i could, the best is to try to learn to deal with this lost, to be realistic, to be honest, we try to forget, we lie to ourselfs..i am fine...i forgot her/him, lies...just a pack of lies, we dont, we see the person we loved..and we are touched...in pain...sad...angry...depend on who we are...but we dont forget...i dont try to forget...i try not to think of her...i try to avoid imagine my future...i try not to think about being alone...i try to find reasons to leave the bed every day, some days are an better, others not, there is no logic, just a fight, every day is a battle, but we should never give up....what will bring tomorrow?? next week, next month? next year? we never know!!! so every day is a fight, we should fight to be better..a better me, a me i can be proud off, a me that can inspire others...i am looking for one thing only life, i dont want money, fame...rewards...no, i am only looking for true love!

i was asked...will i forgive Anna??? forgive?? for what??? for showing me love? to be my star in the sky? there is nothing to forgive, there is nothing to be bitter, Anna was the best thing of my life, i dont regret nothing!!!

will i forget her? no, she wil be in my memores, in my mind...i will never will forget her, i will never will be able to love again like i love her, i will never again write a blog for no one....even if i one day i meet some one...it will never be Anna....but i will be able to life without her, this is a big difference...learn to life without the person who care more in our lifes...if you can do this...you can do anything!!!!

i am starting a new path in life...i path where i must learn to look to an empty road and try to see the future...life doesnt stop here...

what now?

I did think a lot before i wrote this post, should i carry on? should i stop? do i wake up every morning? yes do i still breath? yes...life goes on...i must not let this fate defect me, and i life is a fight...so lets keep fighting!

I still feel lost, i live without a course, i am like a boat in the ocean, without a rudder, without a port to go to, without a compass, i live day by day, navigate by what i see, trying to find a new port, a path, a rudder, a star to guide, to find joy and happiness.

i am disapointed, i am sad, the sadest thing for me, is some one to who i was always good, a friend, a lover, a help, now pretends she doesnt know me, this is a person to whom i talk about everything, that i love, who as the best part of me, that have a key from my house, now avoids me....

i always carried hope in my heart, more or less, there was always hope, there was a little hope that one day we would be together again...not any more, i lost all hope, and this hurts, it feels like i am blind, that i lost my eyes, that my best part is gone, that the women i love, is now pushing me away, avoids me, almost like she "hates" me, what to do?just carry on, keep living, find a way to life, find a way to move on...

how many of us had been here before? how many ask the same question? how many lost love ones?  milions...this is the moment where we show our true colours, its no money, job, fame that show our true colours, its in moments like this, where we lose everything, that we show how we are as persons, we see the sun still raising, we see the sky getting blue, we still eat, wake up, we see life doesnt stop, we must dig deep, we suffer, we have pain, but we must move on, its like we are walking in a desert, we have only to choices; keep on walking or stop and wait...if we stop and wait we die, we die every day, we stop living, we are just here, waiting for death, we are no longer a true person, we will become just shadows of yourself, or we can keep on walking, we dont know if we make or not, but we move, we start walking, we have no water, its hot, your feet hurt, you are tired, but you keep walking and you pray, hope on day you will find a place..same in life, by keep on walking we help others, we see new things, we give ourselfs a new chance, a new hope...so i will keep on walking!!

its not easy, its not simple, but its the only choice, keep moving, keep walking!!! i have to try to live without Anna, to put her away from my mind, can i do this??? i dont know, i have no answer, i miss her like mad, but will try, if you read my blog, you may say, i am not true to all the things i say here...i am being true to me, do i have feelings for Anna? yes!! i love her, i shoudlnt, but i still do, i have a having a tough time, i have a big hole in heart, but i am trying to hide from all of this, to forget how i feel, try to move on, i cannot have feelings for same one who pretends that it doesnt even know me..

i spend almost this last month, reading all this books about how to deal with break ups, i read a lot of them, written by guys, girls, they all say the same, be happy, do things you enjoy, forget, have fun...like you have switch in your heart, i dont, it will take time, you can read them, what they say may make sense, if you are not so deep in love with someone, if you dont feel that you are turning your back to the best thing of your life, to the love of your life, what i feel is pain, miseray, fun??? how can i have fun??? i can try to laugh, to see the good side of life, but fun?? i need time, i need my time, i dont have a magic power to be happy, i need to feel happy, i am walking this path, i am suffering, but i am still here!!!

what do i do? i exercise like mad, morning and evening, i push hard, so hard when i reach my bed time i am to tired to think about anything, to remember, i just close my eyes and count, this way i block everything else, i need to sleep, sleep is very important, so i count, 1,2, 3 and so until i fell a sleep, and it works, it blocks any other idea, if any other thing comes to my mind i blocket and kee counting, how much do i need to count, depends, the lowest mumber is around 150, the highest one is more them 7500!! but i sleep!!! and it the passing of the days its getting better...

i put all the things that remaind of Anna in a box, i put in a storege space, i shave my head, i use different clothes, i dress less formal now, i do new route to work, i stop going to places where we had been together, its about creating a "new" routine, a fresh routine, its about giving yourself a chance..

dont think its easy, its not, i dont know i long is going to take for me to be able to see and dont be affected, i dont know if this will happen, but i need to try...i may look ok on the outside, i may even look happpy, but there is a big void in my life, there is a feeling of emptiness...of lost...i hope time will help me...

a few weeks ago i was in the gym, like i do every sunday, my usual time, i do this since i am here, for almost 7 months, i never saw Anna, and that day she bumps into me, and i said hi, i say how is your day? she didnt even look at me, she avoid me, this is the sadest thing ever, why? if it was me doing this i could understand, its about survival? but her??she told she have no feelings at all for me!!! so why treating me like she doesnt know me??? it was very sad, i was not prepared for that, i was thinking we had a good conversation, that we could be in a "friendly" terms, it seens i was wrong...if we one day we would see each other i could treat her as friend....it was not good, i was messed up, i went home and i run and run, i run until i had cramps, until i couldnt move any more...

this was a few weeks ago, now i prepare my self, every day...to see her, to deal with her rejection, to be strong, its not easy, its not even fair, but i need to be able to survive, to carry on, its a new chapther in my life, a sad chapther...i wrote in my office wall, its looking at me every day, that i will not let life bring me now, i wwrote...I promise: that i will fight back, that i will find my star, my path, that i will bleed, be hurt, but i will rise, i will stand up, i will never give up an i will never quit!!

and i sign it!! when i get bad, weak, i look and read it!!!

what now? i may have no rudder, but i am not lost, i am guiding myself, its not easy, but i am moving, i have no port, but i am looking for a new destiny, i lost my star to guide me,but i am looking at the sky to find a new course, to a new path...

i will rebuid myself, i will fiind a star, a path, way to be happy, to find joy, to life every day, to be a person that finds a reason to wake every day!!

if you are my"sister" or "brother" in this ocean, we maybe in a storn, we maybe are afraid, we maybe feel the storm with conquer us, that we will never see a harbour, that we will not see good days again, that we lost our guiding star, look at yourself, look deep, and realise that we are not lost, we will find a harbour, we will find port, a place where there is a new hope, a new chance, we can see almost the shore, the wind is losing its power, the waves are small, so do like me, fight back, look at the storm, and shout, i will never be broken!!! i will survive!!!! i never quit!!! will not be broken!!! i will reach my port!!!

no more hope...its over

 

this is maybe  last post...i dont know if i will carry on...i was told by Anna, over, she said, its over, total over, that must go out of her life, that she doesnt want me..i must disapear from her life...she dont want me to be close to her...never to see her again... that she will not answer my phone calls, that she will delete my number.....i dont have any hope...so i move...i will disappear...i close my eyes, my heart and move away

this is not a post, no...its is a declaration of love for the person i always will love, this is a cry...a shout....i told her about this blog, she told she doesnt want to know...she doesnt want to read it...but will write this last post for her....this is all the things that are running in my mind:

My Dearest Anna

My love, my light..my life....life is a long strange process...I am walking out from your life, I do it because I don't want to be a source of stress, of distress for you I don't do it in anger, or hate, I have no bad feelings in my heart, I love you, you know this, I have no regrets, I love you, I am your friend, and you will always have a place in my heart and in my life, and if we cross each other, I hope you come to me and say hi, I will be always your friend!!!!!...I am not stopping being your friend...I am not stopping loving you....I will never stop being your friend, this is for ever!!! I will not delete your phone number, I will see that pictures of you that I have at home, I will not stop wearing the things you gave me, I hope you keep me in your heart has a  good thing in your life!!!...your eyes will be free from me, but I hope that you still have a place in your mind, and a little corner in your heart for me, I am just moving to the side to give you all the space you need, I don't want to be a source of any pressure, stress, discomfort, sadness to you, I love you too much for that, I am going in the shadow of life so you can enjoy the full sun of life....

I want you to be happy, I don't want to see your face in stress because we are together in a place...maybe one day you can realise how great I would have been to you, how amazing we could have been together....I am here...I have no kids, I have no story...I am just here for you...I love you more them any person in this planet, you will find more handsome guys them me, taller, younger, richer, but you will never will find someone who will love as much as me, you are my reason to life, you are not my second, 3 priority, you and your child are my only priority...but this is not enough...my love was no sufficient...

I am not from your country…no...I am another country...I never consider where you born, the country on your passport was important, I always think that the love you have is important, I am not my brother, my father, your father, our language teacher husband...I am just me, someone who loves you, truly, and with me you would have someone who would be your partner for ever, you would never leave, that would be there for you ever and ever. that would always have love you for ever...I don't cheat, I don't play games, I am honest...I have pure love...I dream to walk you to alter,  to wait for you to arrive in a white dress, in a church, to marry you...that I would ever see your love bring us a child, to be able to caress our child and tell him or her stories about my sailing times, or how beautiful you are, about we grow old together, do runs together, and walk in the park, see you getting white hair, and tell who beautiful you are, to prove to all around us that love can conquer all, that not every one ends in a divorce, end with a broken heart, I would prove that life can be a beautiful journey of two people side by side, i would do an effort every day to make you laugh, smile  every day, to make you feel special…to give you feet massages when you are 75 and your feet will hurt, with me life is simple, its just me loving you, nothing more, love...and total dedication...I would want all of that, I would want to marry you, to have a kid with you, but life had other plans....i had bough an engage ring, i had had everything ready, but life change the plans, the ring and box lie in the botton of the sea, in your country, in a place you took me there,  a place i go to feel close to you..

I know the person who is helping you gave lots of advice, get a man from your country....I am surprised...she should have said, get someone you love you, you respect, who will be there for you, someone you can trust, if you ask something, you know it will be done...who is honest, who doesn't play games, who doesn't cheat, you makes you laugh...no..your country....what about, dedication? tenderness? put the interest of the love one in front of his??? are this not important? and if she was giving advice on me, she should at decency of talk to me once....she doesn't know who I an now, what I feel, what I believe in...and another thing, i was told ...dont let other pople make decisions for you, not making judgement, and she told me also...this help should last in maximum 6 months, after that its no good....she told me after six months you need to move in your own...if you stay for long, she told, people starting playing the "God" role, where they start molding the person in their way....so free yourself Anna...live for you without fear, life with passion...

Maybe one day...when your child move out, when you are looking at am empty house, and you are no sure about your relationship...you would take look back in your life....you see the guys, the persons who touch your life, see how they love you, see who was there for you everytime, even when they knew that they were not your priority...how important you were for them, how much they love you...and you going to realise...I am, would be the perfect man for you, with me you know you are always top priority, I am always, and will be, there for you, i would be there not to make decision for you, not to patronise you, but to be your rock, to support your decisions...I am always try to make you laugh, I am always trying to make your life easier, more happy, maybe I try to much, I know I am too pushy sometimes...I do this not because you cannot stand on your on, you can, you stand on our own, I do this to prove my love to you, sometimes in a too much way...I will never patronise you, I am not trying to save you...I am just trying to share and help, to share, to make your life more easy....I do all this because I love you so much!!!

My grandmother still prays for you and your child every day, she will not stop...even today I tol her to pray even more for you and your child, she have a photo of you and your child, she still says,...my little girls!! she will pray for you for ever...and I will keep praying for you also, until the day I die.......you will always be in my heart!! and in the heart of my family...

did I forget the fights we had? I have them in my mind...I see them every day, I know how much I would be different now...did I forget the fact I didn't move here when you did?? no....but you cannot even understand, you not even grasp how much I am sorry, you cannot even imagine the pain I have in my heart, when I think about this things, this changed me...pain can make you a bitter, sad person, or make you a better person...it made me a better person, to me pain made me grow up, it made me see my mistakes, I had a long hard look at me, about what I think was right and wrong, how the true importance of things, it made look at me and ask myself, how I truly was as person, was I good or not? and start in me a process of change...a revolution in how I feel...you where afraid that I will be bad for you??? that if we would go back we would face the some old problems??? no, we wouldn't, because I am not the same person, you cannot even guess how different how life would be...how you me and your child would be, I learn a lot about me, I learn a lot how to raise a child, to be a part of family, how language was a barrier and separation?? you told me not to learn your language for you....I didn't start learning your language for you, no, I started learning your language so i could speak with your child, so language would never be a barrier between us again...so we can all be together and share a laugh a joke...but...

I hope just one thing, I wish just one thing...that is way I am moving to the side....I want you to be happy...your happiness is everything to me, I want you to be happy, that you can enjoy life, that every thing you wish will come true, I will continue my life, I am here for me, so I will not return to my country...not for now, I will move with my life....

my love for you will not stop the day I die...they say, true love never dies, if you die with true love in your heart you will see your love one in Heaven, to see how much I love you, if I God told me, if He say...you will have to die right now so Anna can be happy for ever, I would die for you, no need to think, not need consider anything, I would do it pleasure, I would only ask one thing, please...make the life of Anna as much happy as I wish and wanted it for her...I can do this because I don't have a heart with several people on it, my heart has only place for you, so there wouldn't nothing to think about...I love you, just you...I just love you, more them anything so I would die in peace and in joy, this is because I love you! so much!!

I don't regret nothing, if you one day you think about all the persons in your life, you will see that only one truly love you, only one was there for you, who can always count, do to a little thing, to do a big thing, who was patient, who listen to you, you respect and admire you, who loved you even after you didnt't want him, my love for you is unconditional, it was no account, no plan, no second ideas, it is pure, its true, I have pure and true love for you...

how will be the future? I don't know...I know one thing is we cross, in here, in your country, in my country in any place, I will walk to you, I will kiss and I will say hi!!!  I have no regrets,you always will be special for me, this means today, in 5 years, in 10...for ever!!! I will be your friend for life, you will always be the love of my life...if we meet, the first thing i will want to know is...are you happy? if you are happy, even if not with me, you dont need to say anything more...just that you are happy...

if I knew today...how we would be my path with you, how much I would suffer...and was asked, you can live everything again, but cannot change nothing, you will know how it will end, you cannot correct the situation.....you will be in pain....that i would see the tears coming down from my own face…that I know I would not sleep. That I lose more them 10 kg....the desperation, the feeling of lost, the walk in hell...i would remember instead the love, the little notes you put in my bed, I would remember my little mermaid, my sexy agent99, I will remember troia, I will remember our car travels, I would remember giving you all the massages, me asking you do all this mental calculations while you drive to keep you distracted, i would remember you asking if i want tea after diner, i would remember your smile, i would remember you running much better and faster them me, I would remember kissing you, I would remember put a blanket in your child before we would go to bed, would remember holding your hand, I would remember the touch of head in my chest in the mornings, there is so much joy in my heart with you that if I would go back to that magic day in the castle and I even would kiss with more passion that I kiss you on that day!!!!! You are the best thing in my life!!!! nothing will change that!

you know me, my place, my phone, my house, I will always will be there for you...if you day who think...I should give ..... a call, but its been 5 years....10 years...doesnt matter....just call. Don't even hesitate one second, I will be always so happy to talk to you, to see you, to be with you, to have a coffee with you...

I will spend the rest of my life asking God one thing...that Anna will love me one day again....

MY love for you is eternal, you are my love, my passion, my soul is yours, its yours since the first day i saw you, you will be always in my heart, so goodbye, my love, light of my eyes and heart.....

Parties

Parties....i have attend a few in my last 3 months, i meet people...i am was invitade for a few parties, i go out, i almost force myself to go out, i keep going out, but i think its just to escape the feeling of being alone at home.

Anna ask if i see some one...i say yes and no....its true...i see other people, but not in that sense, i dont feel nothing, every time i go out i feel bad, i think about Anna all the time, i ask myself what the hell i am doing there...i went for a while to this thrusdays parties...i remember..i was in one..and all i feel, what i could think was about Anna...i left, i never return, some of my friends, my colleagues keep going, i hear all the time....hey..come on, there is nice women in there...but i dont go!!!

last week i went to wine tasting, two very nice looking italian girls come talk to me...and we talk a bit..and when i decide to leave...it was not that late, around 23.00, one girl ask me..hey, dont you want our phone number...i couldnt remember anything to say....i just said...i am sorry, but i am not free....

i am not free...i am out of the market, and this is not good, because i have not a person waiting for me, i dont have no one to love me, and yet i am not free...i have only one place in my heart...

i keep asking myself, i sould go out, go out, enjoy the life...but what is the point if i dont have any good feelings from going out??? i am starting to go back to what i felt in 2003,2004...i get more and more focus in closing down my pain, i am starting to push hard again in the gym, i push hard, them i have huge pain after, but i dont care...i almost shave my head yesterday, it would have been a monster shock in my office...i am close to that...my colleagues who dont know me very well, they see me, they think i am ok, they have a vision of me, maybe that i "promote" that is not who i am truly, there is a lot more about me them they see, yes, i laugh....i smile...but i cannot say i am happy..i am not sad either...i am in a sort of limbo....for every day that i lost hope before i always regain a bit of hope after...i am losing all hope now...day after day....

so going to parties is not going to make me any happier...i need to deal with this in my own terms, i need to get a clean mind...i had a long look at me...why i write??? why i write this blog??? maybe my biggest reason...even if never want to considered it...was i hopping one day Anna would found this blog...and realise how much i have to offer....how much i love her...

is this very childish??? maybe she would read and say...nice words...but i dont feel nothing...i dont know...i know i will stop going out for a while...i need to be thinking about what is good for me...what is important for my life....how i will live my life in the future....

wish i could write in the future a post saying...i am so happy...i have hope...but i dont think so....

if you are in the same situation, dont go out just to go out, dont drink just to drink...dont go and pretend you are having fun, be honest with yourself...listen to your heart...if your heart say..stay home...stay home..this is not having pitty of yourself...not be sorry for yourself...no...its staying home and have a good time...have a nice meal, read a good book...sleep a good night...it means go out...but to the beach, to country, to cinema...its about feel your life with things that you feel confortable..and them you can smile...you can say....i am honest with me...i could go out, get some girls...take them home...i wouldnt be any happier..i would had sex..yes...but not make me a happy person...we shouldnt follow just the instant gratification...we should be more deep as persons...we should have values, honor, respect, virtude...

life is not a simple process...but i need to be honest...with me...so i will stop going to parties....i will be honest with my own feelings...i maybe never be with Anna again....but in my heart she will always be there for me!!!