Moving the world

How can you tell if you trully love some one??? when can you say, i love this person, i love you!!! talk is so easy, we do it every day, we promise, we make bold statements, we make compromises, we say so many things....

and yet when the time comes...i was busy, it was not possible, i had a job...i had couldnt left my family, i forget, i was afraid...it was not the right time...and the list goes on and on....i am sure we all have been there...we all know what i am saying...there is a big different between just talk..and do...from a early age we learn to get priorities, to see there is different connections between you and others, that some people mean more to you them others...in our "sad" world, in the world we live today, we are told to think on us, to think about yourself before any other, and slowly we start to believe we are the centre of the universe, that others exist in our lifes to be there for us...

we are told, not to take risk, to be safe, to be follow the crowed...day by day we start to build wall, to be afraid, and we start to forget what is really important...

we all said, i love you, but how much of us really meaning that??? do we really understand what i love you means???

what this means...I love you???? i like being with you? you are attractive and i want to have sex with you? you are nice to me? i want to spend the rest of my life with you??? you are my soul? you are my  light? you are my morning star? you are made me feel like the happiest person in the world even in my worse day??? i would die for you??? i would kill for you??? i will move the world for you???

what means??? for some people means just words, it just something you say...something that were said so many times that they meaning nothing, its just an expression, like good morning..or its sun today....they use for a purpose, to get what they want from others...it doesnt have any really meaning...it lost its  value....love is no longer a feeling...a magic place...its a supermarket...a place you go to get what you need, and if you find a new supermarket with new things you move to the other person....

during my recent stay in my country i meet almost my friends, they all come to the funeral of my grandfather...and i ask them...do you love your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend??? they all say...of course...sure...yes...and them i ask...what this really means to you??? what means i love you....and the most strange thing was they looking at me....roll their eyes...and a 10 to 20 seconds wait....to say anything....some answers...it means he is my husband...or she is nice...or....i am use to her...if you doubt me, try the experience yourself...ask one of your friends...when they are no waiting...and see what they tell you...how long they need to think before given you an answer...i dont say there is no love...of course there is...they are people in this world you trully love...this dont need time...they will start telling you why...in less them a second...and you will have to tell them after a few minutes...hey....i understand!!

if you ask me..what means...i love you...for me means..you are my reason to live, you are my life, my morning star, the light that guides me, you are my air, my light, my joy, the soul mate, you are my priority in life, you are gentle breeze in a hot day, make me feel special, alive... i could go on and on....

when you love some one there is no barriers, there is no.. its impossible, there is no reality, there is no stoping, you would move the world, you would walk into fire, you would do things that in a right mind, you would never even consider doing...when you are in love, this feelings make you do anything...there is nothing you wouldnt do for the person you love...

you may say...talk is easy...its easy to be here in this blog saying this...telling us, you would move the
world....i know talk is easy...but i am not just talking...i am would do exactly what i said...i done it, i done things that i never consider doing it, it did things i will never tell no one else, all by love...i learn my lesson...i also did like all others...i was thinking of me....me first...and i lose...lose the love...lose the person i care for...i saw the worse in people, i walk in places that taxi drivers would avoid...i walk in places that no person in the right mind would go...all for love, i know that i would have done anything for Anna, and she knows that...anything, anytime, any where...its not talking....

its doesnt matter if you are a kid, man, a women, single, married, if you are touch by love, if you are honest, if you are correct, you would move the world, if  i was married when i felt in love with Anna, i would think well what this mean, what this would made me feel, i would not play it around, i would play any game, i would go fixed my situation, i will make a clean break, and them and only them i would risk everything for love, this is love, this is not being affraid, we all can fall for love when we dont expected, but how we deal with this feeling defines the person we are, so are cowards, keep living a double life, you cannot love two persons...i cannot, some try to forget, some fight to end, and even if the end is just pain, even if in the end there is nothing...you move the world, you love the other person with honesty, with full passion, you suffer, you lose...but you loved!!! so when i hear this excuses, i couldnt...it was not possible...it was not the right time....you didnt love....today i know...if i love again...i rather die following my love them stay home and live a "normal" for many years...

today i am track to lose the best feeling in the world...love...every day i keep walking away from Anna, every day my heart is more cold toward her...i am walking this path..its not a happy walk..its not the walk i wanted..but its the walking i am doing....this the path i am taking, and i stop looking back....is this better?? i am more happy??? no....but i can live better every day...but i dont have this magic power that made me do wonderful things, now i am centered on me, i still help others, i live with honor, with what is rigth, but i am not the most stronger person in the planet, i am not the most brave sould in here...why???? because i lose the feeling of love...if you trully love, you are the stronger, the most brave person...you will do anything for the person you love...you would jump in the sea even knowing that you will not make it...this is what love makes you....brave...imortal.....trully alive...

now my friends keep saying..at last!!!...its good for you!!!! finaly!!!! but is this so great??? is this so amazing??? to lose the feeling of love???? i dont think so....

so what is love??? what means i love you...if  this person doesnt make you feel like the most happy person in the universe, that angels smile at you, that joy is always with you....if you are not ready to die, kill, do anything for this person...anything...really move the world you dont love her/him....and if this is the case...maybe who should be honest with yourself...and move on....

My grandfather!!

My grandfather pass away on last Wednesday, he was 98 years old, , he may have lived many years, but  he he was not old, he was still driving, going to the shops, walking, making jokes, living, enjoy his life, he work in the garden, clime in walls, he paint the wall, he was in good shape, he die in peace, in seconds, while he was talking to my mother, he didnt felt a thing, he just close his eyes and went in a new journey...

we try to prepare for this, but we are never prepared, we still get a punch in the stomach when this happen, we still feel lost, there is no words, no way to express the feeling of lost...

my grandfather was a person very close to me, i grew up with him, the professional life of both my parents meant that they would need to travel, to spend long periods outside, i share this big house with my grandparents, he was always there for me, he was my friend, telling me all this stories about the "good old days" about his life adventures, he had a great life, full of events, full of stories, we share the first name, we share many other things, he was a athlete, he was president of a little club, he lived abroad, he was always trying to be good, to be honest, to be patient...he was a many of honor, i would be proud if i was close to what he stand for!!!

i learn a lot of life with him, i see how can a person share a life with other for years and year, how he could dedicate hinself to my grandmother, who is still alive at 96, and is now totally lost...

my grandfather didnt want money, he refuse many better jobs, more money to keep close to his family, he never care about fame, he never care about material things, and because of this he was a happy man, he was a very happy persons, his life was build by his hands, he build a life in difficult times, and he never hear from him a bitter word, a word of anger, of complain....

he was a wonderful person, we use to go with me when i still didnt had my driving license to my sport, he was always going with me to help and stay and wait for me to return to drive me back home, he was a inspiration for me, i saw him as way to get old, how to approach life, to deal with people, respect, honesty, love, care...

now he is gone, he left us, but he will stay with me, he will life in my heart, he will be present for ever in me, but i still feel this lost, this void, its never easy lose some one you trully care....

i life in a different country now, when i knew i rush to the airport, i went to companies, i found a flight back, i get the call at 17.10, i was home before 22.30!!!! i had to come, it just that simple....i call Anna, she knew him very well, he like her very much, but Anna rection was cold....she was the only person, with all the ones, even people i dont call as friends, who didnt say, if you need anything, call, no....like she didnt care...its not the best, you feel that life is bad...unfair....

this last days have been hell, yesterday Anna call me....i was thinking, good, she is calling to see how the things this wouldnt measn thing, just being a friend, just respect, being there for a friend in need.....Anna knew my family very well, we help her, she was part of us, we all loved her, but no, she told me, sorry....it was a mistake....few seconds....i was in a church to mourn my grandfather, and i realise other thing, every one had some one to go back, to give him or her some confort, no me, i have my family, but no person to ask if i am doing ok, i spend the last days being an anchor, a rock for others, i am being strong for other, and no one ask me, how i am doing???? no, people think, he is strong, he is fine....

today i say goodbye to grandfather, today was the funeral, it rain, it was a sad moment, and i just come here, i open my facebook, and there was...Anna is in relantionship, wwwoooo, this is really the message i need, i cannot express, its not that had any hope, no, Anna as and still is regard in my family as some one close, a person we all care, but now, i have to ask is there any respect??? and friendship??? do i know this person??? is she trying to hurt me??? or simply i dont count as shit??? for the first time in my life i was not happy with Anna, i was thinking, next time she need my help, i will treat her, like i treat any other person...i dont know...what is coming in my mind, i lose my grandfather, and now this, on the some day of the funeral...i get today knifed by life twice day, both hurt so much, i dont feel good, i dont feel strong, and yet, after closing this text, i will put my best yellow smile and try to keep my family together, keep the family strong, me...i am dead, today i am dead inside...and i will be there for them, i will not let no one go down, i will help them staying standing, moving toward a better day....

i am trying to gain inspiration from my grandfather to move on...to be strong, to try to walk into the light, to avoid darkness entering my heart, its not easy, its not easy at all....i pray, i pray a lot, put today, i am asking myself, why???? why??? why me??? why i need to suffer all of this???? where is god?? where is my life going??? today my heart and soul are full of questions....

i have no words, i am not in the best of times, today death is not my enemy, today death is friend....no, i am not crazy, i will never do anything crazy, this is not me, but today i lose a bit of my human side...

if i had no seen, lived and saw the lessons of my grandfather, today i would have been a very different person, today i will be 100 times even more worse, today i have question myself....what now??? what is my future??...and i have no answer....today i am in state i never remember ever been, today i am lost....i have no direction, i have no bearing...

now is closing this computer and be a rock for my family, even if inside, i am in the worse shape of all of them....and no one will see or know that!!! sometimes we need to be brave for others, i have a responsibility, i have to carry now the family torch....

keep fighting?

I am in a strange phase, time is supposed to conquer all, to help you, yet time keeps on moving, days keep on moving and i still asking myself what should i do????

you can smile, you can laugh, you can fool every one that you are great, that you are super well, but are you really that well?????

one of my close friends ask me why i dont start dating? why i dont start going out it any girl that is interested in me? why???

i dont see Anna since september! i should have close my heart, close my eyes, my heart, i should have her presence leave my soul, i should stop dreaming with her, either with my eyes close or open, i should have be able to pass a day without think about her, about her child....

why i cannot???? there is no hope, there is no plan, there is nothing...i am not going by all the photos, i am not checking her page in FB, i am not trying to see her...no, i am "clean" in this aspect, i am doing everything right, i carrying on with my life, i am doing all the "right" things, eat well, having a good time with my friends, exercise, trying to give myself goals for this year, if you see from the outside...if you talk with me, i am "cured", i am fine....but i am not...

is this just me??? i am so different that every one else???? maybe i see the others like they see me, from the outside we tell a different story, we become very good in living with our inner feelings, with the idea we are fine...

maybe must people give up to early, they lost focus, they stop believing....maybe they are right, maybe they are the ones who are right....

i am thinking a lot in this last month, christmas, new year, they have this effect on you...i am did, i am still doing a deep look inside of me...what i really want??? what i stand up for??? if i die tomorrow what would the picture of my life...i dont meant what i have, what is my bank account, what i achieve on my professinal side....no...what values i fight for, what i did with my life????

i am honest, here is the place i am totaly honest, i dont lie....i am not here to create a perfect picture of myself...i am me, a not perfect, driffter, i am a man who loves, who loves a person that cannot be his, who cares for some who absent from his life...why???? why???? i dont know....i dont have any agenda, i dont expect nothing, i am not waiting for a miracle...no, i am just being still honest to what i feel in my heart, i dont know what the future will bring...

last year i had some hope me and Anna could be together, now i dont have this hope, and i keep loving her, i will always will love her...is this blocking me for move on???


if i was on the outside, i would say...this guy is really stupid, its clear...move on...give up...find another person....i tell does exact same things to myself...over and over again....result???? not so great!!!

i am in fight.....i am fighting with me, i am fighting with what i feel, with the fact i still cannot let her go....maybe its the winter, maybe this is the last moment before i let Anna go....i feel i am getting a bit back....i dont know...life is not simple...

in the end, what is love? what is being true to your love??? there is no answer, there is no magic soluction, there is just how you feel, what others make you feel, what are you willing to do for them, maybe in today society we dont care for love, we care only for what we want, what is an instant gradification....in the "old" days people whould love just one one person, they whould wait, they whould move the world for this person...today we are discard like used boxes...no one fights, no one waits, no one stand ups....i am not like that....my nephew, who is 11 years old, ask me, uncle why are you are not married????  i told him, i am not married, because the person i care is not in my life,but i love her still ! i told him, people maybe not without but she is with me every day in my heart! no, i dont expect him to understood, sometimes even i dont understand, but i prefer to love, even if the person who you love is not with you, this is them most married people, how are together but have no love!! i also told him, i will explain when you are older....i also told him, and this he understood, when you like some one very much, you maybe cannot see this person but you still like her!!!!

does all of this makes any sense??? i dont know...but does life make any sense??

i dont know....i will not stop fighting...