face your word

I meet Anna, i cannot say how happy i was, to see her means so much to me, losing her, like i think i did, that i would never would see her was the worst thing in my life, its more them losing a person that means and meant so much to me, it was losing my best friend!!!!

We talk, we saw each other, and she even help me looking for an apartment, after 3 years of trying i finally found a job in the same city she lives, too late to save our love, i could curse my luck, see the things from a negative side, but i have a new job, a new challenge, i will living in the same place of Anna, i can see her, her child, its a lot to be happy for, its a great gift from life to me!!!

i promise her, i would be her friend, that there wouldn’t be any hidden agenda, that was my word, i saw her for two days, and i was looking for apartments in the two places of the city i knew, the place i lived before and near her place, in fact one of the places i saw was very close to her house, there was no hidden intention in here, but i forgot to see how this look like, how strange that may sound, i know that if would get that house near Anna, she would not even notice i was living there, i would never "casualy" meet her, will only will meet her if she wants, where she wants and when she wants, this is my word, this is who i am, and i will prove her, the junkie is long gone!!!! but i realise, i need to face my word, i need to prove her i am what i say i am, and i need to be extra careful in the first months, not because there is a secret agenda, no, i need to prove and sometimes more them prove that my intentions are the right ones!!! not only you need to be a friend, you need to show that you are a friend, and i told her, please if you have any issues say it on the spot, dont let perceptions cause a problem that there isn’t there.

i am honest, i saw her, and i still feel a little magic inside of me, yes, still smile like mad, i still cherry every moment we have together, but i know, i will not put put any “moves” on her, she see me as a friend, i am her friend, and she is now my FRIEND!!!!! i have one word, i will honor it!!!

i am starting my own life, i will live my own life in there, i will life by my own agenda, i hope to see Anna, like i would hope to see any of my close friends, i hope we can do things together, but i have my life, she have hers, and the future is there to discovered, will our futures crossed again??? i dont know, maybe not, maybe we will be good friends and that is all that it will ever be, but have such a close and great friend is already so great!!!

I have a chance to prove lots of the things i say here, and i will not let Anna down, i will life to prove my words, all i said in here i will honour, and prove her, we can be friends, honest, pure and true friendship!!!

Life

Life is a strange process, in august i was a mess, i was source of pain, to me, to the people around me, to all the ones i care, i was not good, how can we let ourselfs reach a stage that you become such a mess???

its very complex, simple, and easy, you stop thinking, you stop see things as they are, you stop believing in yourself, and you start to think all the answers in our problems are one person!!!

its not like this, you cannot find happiness that you seek in others if you dont find it in yourself first, you cannot be a partner, a friend, a lover, a husband, wife, if inside of you there is no peace, no joy, no love for yourself, this is where we usually fail, we think the answer for all our issues lay with others, it doesnt, we need to be alone in a place and be happy, we must think..wooww, what a great day i had, life is great!!!

Life is process that you must find your inner peace, is it easy? no!!! its bloody hard!! we are bombarded by society that we shouldnt be alone, alone is bad, alone is because you are not happy, that you have no one...its not true, you need to look at yourself, and try to answer a very important question, can you be alone and still find joy in life? still smile??? if you can, then you are ready to be with someone, if you cannot be alone and happy, then you are not ready to be with others, maybe its a bit of a zen thing, but we need to be alone and happy to be together and happy!!

I am happy, i am getting a good chance, a bloody good chance of a great job, and i will move to the city of Anna, no, i am not going to chase her, i promise her, honesty, friendship, there is not agenda, no hidden motives, i hope she can understand, i need "pal", someone to talk, to laugh, to speak about things, a friend!!!

i am starting a new job, someday i am super relaxed, some other days, like today, after i read lots of papers, i am a bit scared!!!! but its a challenge, its a new thing, it will be good, it will be tough, but its a new start!! and this is the most important thing, a new fresh started!!!

life is not just add all the days we live, its what we do with this days, what did we do with our life’s, was i a good person? did i stand for the right causes? did i touch others? was a positive influence in others? did i love??? did i felt the love in my heart??? 

i dont know the answers for all of that, but i am sure, i love, i was loved, this is the biggest thing any one can say!!!! how many go through life without feeling, without find true love....maybe a lot more them we think, i found love, i trully did, its one of the reason this blog exist, it start as a labour of love, love touch me, and can say, its magic!! i regret nothing!!!!

life is about not regretting, its about believing in the future, its about be at peace with yourself, its not be afraid of taking risks, its about be good for others, its about God, its about family, friends, we should never forget, being alive is a super great thing!!!! make others smile, today i stop my car in a busy street to let a old lady pass by, she was surprised and happy, she smile to me, it the best moment of this week, a smile and great feeling, just being good for no interest, that is what we should all be living for!!! make others happy, with no interest!!! be yourself a source a happiness...be happy...be alive!!!

Time

Time is a friend, an enemy, o cure, a pain, in fact time is all of that and more, with time we start to lose the pain we feel, all pains, physical pain, love, lose, they all slow and fade with time...

but time brings also the memories, bring to the mind the good and bad, but we start to think only about the good things....

i had a lucky break recently in my job area, but its taking a bit more time to happen them i expect, i am starting to be anxious, i am losing my patient, but its under control...i have full control over me now! i am not losing my mind, i am not going to be mad!!!

I changed, i never really plan my future, i always let things happen, never consider what will happen in 4, 5 years, this is over, i now i am planning my future, maybe i am getting old, maybe learn more about life, i have now a plan for my next 4 years, i am hoping that after this lucky break, i will take all chances not to return, i see my future not in here, but in a different job, in a different place!! and instead of waiting to things to happen, to let time just flow, i am now taking from day one the chances to make my life change!!!!

i hope this luck break on the professional side will also lead to a new dawn for my personal side!!! i am not the stressed person i was, i am not the madly focus on one person i was, i am now a normal person, with its issues and strengths, but i am much, much better them i was in august!!! this month and half made a huge difference in me!!! i look back and i am shocked, i was not good, not good at all, for no one, and not even for me!!!!

if you are reading this, and thing there is no hope, that life will never smile at you back, i tell you, and i tell you from the heart, time will make a huge difference, hope is always there, we fail to understand one thing, hope, strengths, happiness are not in others, its in ourselves, we need to look inside of us for hope, for joy, for peace, its here, its in you, in me, in every one of us, we just need to learn how to get it back!!! another person is luxury, and gift, a magic moment, the best reward we can have, but we cannot expect that its the other person that will bring all the things to us, no, its us that need to bring all the best in us!!

If we are a mess, the other part can be there, can be a rock, can provide all the love and support, but cannot make us feel good about ourselves, we need to do this for us, this is another thing time teach me, its us you bring peace and power to ourselves...

time is a ultimate teacher, and i have hope for the future, i am know time is on my side!!!!