2013, a new year is coming, how it will be??? what will be my life???' in this time of the year lots of us ask this question, how it will be 2013??? what this year will bring?
i am not asking for anything material, i dont want a bigger car, a bigger house, a new fancy job, no, i dont want more money, i dont want more things, i dont want any of that, if i was going to ask for anything in 2013, i would like to have more peace of mind, inner peace, happiness, love, this is what i would like...is this going to happen?? who knows....
how was 2012??? i start this year with hope, with fear, with a wish, with plans, for my professional life and my personal life, one year after i see nothing happen like i wanted, or plan....life chance my wishes...this year developed in a very different way that i was hopping, i reach the end of this year, with a very mind, with a very different heart them what i started...there was hope, joy, pain, sadness, darkness, pain, suffering, but there was also a rise, a fight back, fight to stand up, to be still standing...
all this stories about the end of the world, i laugh and smile during this year, when i listen to so many stories and ends, so the world didnt end in 2012, and yet for me a part of my life, of me, my world did in fact end in 2012, for me there was end of the world, i lost the most important thing in my life, and yet i am still here..i am breathing, i am still waking up every morning, getting in shape, getting my life in order, getting my inner peace, walking my path, follow my journey, i learn a lot of things in this year, the biggest lesson from 2012, i can conquer the end of my world, i learn this while walking, while surviving every day of this year, yes, i can survive the disaster, and move on with my life...i am better???? worse??? who knows, i cannot answer that question...i need to have more time before i can truly answer that...there are moments i feel i am totaly at peace with me, that i can move on with my life, others not so good, time is passing, the journey is moving me to better places....
2012 bring me a lot of good things, i have a lot of new friends, i was touch by the joys of friendship, i have new friends, i meet new people, this is one of the biggest gifts in life, to touch and be touch in your life by other people, to help, to be helped, to see new things, to life new experiences, i teach my sport to others, i walk the camino de santiago, i saw the best and worse in people...and all this in 365 days....
how it will be the next 365??? what do i wish? what do i plan??? for the first time in many many years i have no plans, i have no new year resolutions, i have no ideas about 2013, i will go back to my work, i will go back to my friends, my colleagues, i will continue with this this year journey, i will try to improve as a person, to be better for others, to make the life of others better, i will try to find inner peace, joy, laughter, that i can smile, that i can find a moment of joy in every day, that life gives a change to be touch by love.....
is not this what we should aim for???? tomorrow when the new year come in to our lifes, i will be here, i will open it with my open heart, and in 365 days i will see here this road have taken me....life is a journey, a war, just because we lose some battles, doesnt means we are defeated!!!! we are warriors, we will rise, we keep the path!!!! we are walking to find love!!!!!!!
life is a mystery, full of new and unexpected twists, maybe, just maybe, a miracle will happen, who know??? i believe that my path is the right one, and i will keep on walking!!!
Sunday 30 December 2012
Sunday 23 December 2012
Merry christmas?
I am home, with my family for Christmas, every where i go, there is this christmas music, the shops are full, the people are trying to buy the latest gifts for their love ones, its a good season, a nice time of the year....is this true???? is this real???
i must say, no, not for me, i dont feel anything, i am not in a true christmas feeling, not in the way christmas exists today, i think christmas is not buying things, its not going to shops or shopping centers, its about love, its about show to the people who you love how much they mean to you!!!!
i am with my family, and for the first time in the last 10 years, i dont have a christmas wish, i dont have any dream or hope, no, i have no plan....its a very strange feeling....last year i had hope, i had a plan, now i have nothing..
i am fine, i already bought some little gifts for my family, i am here for them, tomorrow i will call all my close friends, i will wish all of them a merry christmas, but there is one number i will no call, a number i would like to call, but i will not call....this is the way life is....i need to learn to live this way!!!
christmas is about love, about family, about be close to the ones you love, in this days, i feel a bit more down, a bit more blue, its like you are missing a part of you, its like the best part of you is gone, in this days i always use to think, about what i will buy Anna, what i would say to her, i really like this time, now i feel that i am a bit lost, that i am a bit at drift....
so tomorrow, i will go to my favorite place in the world, its a beach, i will drive, take the ferry... i always liked to be in there, i always feel good in there, its the place i always go when i am lost, when everything looks bad, its also a place where i was so happy, a place that was magic, a place that i will connect me and Anna every time i go there, even now when i go there i feel close to her.....i will be there tomorrow, to swim, yes, its cold, yes, its rough, but its a not so bad, and i can enjoy it....
i am starting a new phase in my life, i trying to move with my life, to move forward, every day i walk one step more in this path, every day i move another step in the right direction, like me, there is lots of people who see this christmas times as a time where society is almost shouting at you.....are you single??? alone??? what is wrong with you???? the answer is simple...nothing...i am fine, i am good, i am just trying to bring peace in my life, i am just trying to be honest with my life...so friend, colleague of this times, go to your favorite place, go to a happy place, do something mad, do something that keeps you alive, that you enjoy doing, see it as your christmas gift to yourself, but please, dont confuse this with buying things....no, dont buy nothing, this is about a find inner peace, joy, help some one, do a good deed, dont do it for recognition, dont do it for any reward, do it to celebrate christmas, this is what christmas is about, to bring good to others...
how will be our lifes??? who knows???? i know tomorrow i will be in a magic place, and for me this is my christmas gift....will i be sad? happy?? will i wish anything??? i dont know, i will see tomorrow... i will try to find a reason for my christmas, life is a long path, i am walking my path, my road, where this path will lead me??? i see will as i walk...
so, have a merry christmas...and never quit, never give up!!! we will be happy!!!
i must say, no, not for me, i dont feel anything, i am not in a true christmas feeling, not in the way christmas exists today, i think christmas is not buying things, its not going to shops or shopping centers, its about love, its about show to the people who you love how much they mean to you!!!!
i am with my family, and for the first time in the last 10 years, i dont have a christmas wish, i dont have any dream or hope, no, i have no plan....its a very strange feeling....last year i had hope, i had a plan, now i have nothing..
i am fine, i already bought some little gifts for my family, i am here for them, tomorrow i will call all my close friends, i will wish all of them a merry christmas, but there is one number i will no call, a number i would like to call, but i will not call....this is the way life is....i need to learn to live this way!!!
christmas is about love, about family, about be close to the ones you love, in this days, i feel a bit more down, a bit more blue, its like you are missing a part of you, its like the best part of you is gone, in this days i always use to think, about what i will buy Anna, what i would say to her, i really like this time, now i feel that i am a bit lost, that i am a bit at drift....
so tomorrow, i will go to my favorite place in the world, its a beach, i will drive, take the ferry... i always liked to be in there, i always feel good in there, its the place i always go when i am lost, when everything looks bad, its also a place where i was so happy, a place that was magic, a place that i will connect me and Anna every time i go there, even now when i go there i feel close to her.....i will be there tomorrow, to swim, yes, its cold, yes, its rough, but its a not so bad, and i can enjoy it....
i am starting a new phase in my life, i trying to move with my life, to move forward, every day i walk one step more in this path, every day i move another step in the right direction, like me, there is lots of people who see this christmas times as a time where society is almost shouting at you.....are you single??? alone??? what is wrong with you???? the answer is simple...nothing...i am fine, i am good, i am just trying to bring peace in my life, i am just trying to be honest with my life...so friend, colleague of this times, go to your favorite place, go to a happy place, do something mad, do something that keeps you alive, that you enjoy doing, see it as your christmas gift to yourself, but please, dont confuse this with buying things....no, dont buy nothing, this is about a find inner peace, joy, help some one, do a good deed, dont do it for recognition, dont do it for any reward, do it to celebrate christmas, this is what christmas is about, to bring good to others...
how will be our lifes??? who knows???? i know tomorrow i will be in a magic place, and for me this is my christmas gift....will i be sad? happy?? will i wish anything??? i dont know, i will see tomorrow... i will try to find a reason for my christmas, life is a long path, i am walking my path, my road, where this path will lead me??? i see will as i walk...
so, have a merry christmas...and never quit, never give up!!! we will be happy!!!
Monday 10 December 2012
Darkness
My birthday was a few days ago, its suppose to be a happy time, but this time instead of happiness, i just had this deep darkness in my heart, for some moments the feeling in my heart was pain, resentment, angry, disappointment....i feel really bad, why??
why??? the must basic reason...i was hoping that independent of everything that happen between me and Anna, that we were in good terms, that i could expect a sms, a mail, a happy birthday in my FB, but as the hours of the time pass, i keep checking my phone, my page...nothing....in the end i send a sms, saying what i felt...and i did get a sms...did this make a difference???? of course it did!!!!! i am honest, i dont lie in here...its not hope, its not a sign, its nothing, its just a way to show we respect each other!!!!
yes, we are apart, we are not together, maybe i am just stupid, maybe i am not clever, i expect that some which i share my life, that we important for each other, there is a level of care that you expect, a card, a sms, a touch, that this person was an important part of our life, i will always send a card to Anna, on her birthday, on christmas, i will never forget, i will never stop...
there is no plan, no second idea, its just a sign of caring, of respect, of being part of my life, and this was what i expect...
another thing that make me feel strange, is how much i still get affected by this, i am not ready, i am not free, my mouth can say, i am better, i am ok, my brain, may try to think i am fine...but my heart says...its not yet ok...its not fully free....
i dont like this, i suffer, i trully suffer, and this is not good, christmas is coming, and i trying to be ready, i am trying to be prepared....
Some people will never leave our hearts, i can spend the rest of my life without see Anna a single time more, and she will be for ever in my heart, i can be married, be a father, but there is things that we cannot errase, we cannot forget, we cannot get free...
is this good??? bad??? i dont know, each of us will have an answer, a reason, a way to deal with this...i just say we have to be honest with what we feel, of who we are, and learn to life with this feeling, with this situation, we can pretend, we can fool the rest of the world, but we cannot fool yourself!!!!
i let darkness enter my heart, maybe is the birthday, the upcoming christmas, there are dates, moments that are harder to live them others...we can only resist, how i deal with this??? i try to say to myself, hey...its going to be ok, remember the trail, remember how much tired and desperate you were and you kept on walking, i remember that i am here, i am alive, that i have friends, i exercise, i am trully in great shape...i thinking i was never in such a great shape...its all part of what we do resist, to survive...
i am looking for 2013....and for the first in a long time, i dont know...i dont have a plan, a wish, a way to guide me, just another year, another 365 days....maybe life will suprise me...i fight every day for that chance...its not easy, its not easy at all, but all of us, who pass the same hell as me, we need to fight, we need not to quit, we need to be still standing, we need to open our hearts, and try to believe in the future!!!!!!
why??? the must basic reason...i was hoping that independent of everything that happen between me and Anna, that we were in good terms, that i could expect a sms, a mail, a happy birthday in my FB, but as the hours of the time pass, i keep checking my phone, my page...nothing....in the end i send a sms, saying what i felt...and i did get a sms...did this make a difference???? of course it did!!!!! i am honest, i dont lie in here...its not hope, its not a sign, its nothing, its just a way to show we respect each other!!!!
yes, we are apart, we are not together, maybe i am just stupid, maybe i am not clever, i expect that some which i share my life, that we important for each other, there is a level of care that you expect, a card, a sms, a touch, that this person was an important part of our life, i will always send a card to Anna, on her birthday, on christmas, i will never forget, i will never stop...
there is no plan, no second idea, its just a sign of caring, of respect, of being part of my life, and this was what i expect...
another thing that make me feel strange, is how much i still get affected by this, i am not ready, i am not free, my mouth can say, i am better, i am ok, my brain, may try to think i am fine...but my heart says...its not yet ok...its not fully free....
i dont like this, i suffer, i trully suffer, and this is not good, christmas is coming, and i trying to be ready, i am trying to be prepared....
Some people will never leave our hearts, i can spend the rest of my life without see Anna a single time more, and she will be for ever in my heart, i can be married, be a father, but there is things that we cannot errase, we cannot forget, we cannot get free...
is this good??? bad??? i dont know, each of us will have an answer, a reason, a way to deal with this...i just say we have to be honest with what we feel, of who we are, and learn to life with this feeling, with this situation, we can pretend, we can fool the rest of the world, but we cannot fool yourself!!!!
i let darkness enter my heart, maybe is the birthday, the upcoming christmas, there are dates, moments that are harder to live them others...we can only resist, how i deal with this??? i try to say to myself, hey...its going to be ok, remember the trail, remember how much tired and desperate you were and you kept on walking, i remember that i am here, i am alive, that i have friends, i exercise, i am trully in great shape...i thinking i was never in such a great shape...its all part of what we do resist, to survive...
i am looking for 2013....and for the first in a long time, i dont know...i dont have a plan, a wish, a way to guide me, just another year, another 365 days....maybe life will suprise me...i fight every day for that chance...its not easy, its not easy at all, but all of us, who pass the same hell as me, we need to fight, we need not to quit, we need to be still standing, we need to open our hearts, and try to believe in the future!!!!!!
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