Christmas

Christmas is a special time, for me it not about the presents, its about being with the ones you love, the family, the special people in your heart, i see this christmas in two ways, as the close down of a period of dark clouds in my life and a open of a new life!!!!

i hope by next christmas my blog will be different, will be a song of joy, of sharing a life, of a the creation of a family, this is the wish for me, this is what i will ask for my christmas present!!! was i good enough for that??? i hope so!!! i did a massive effort for good, and its something i dont stop now, and i will never stop, i made a promise to myself, i promise to be honest, to be pure, to be happy and to be strong!!! i promise i will never cheat, i will never play games, i will life to that!!! i am living to that!!!

this last two days i show that i can keep with this promise, i was approach my one of colleagues to start an affair, she told she like me, she had feelings for me and since i was leaving we could have a affair...nothing important...just an affair...but she is married...i am not married...i dont have a girlfriend...so i was not cheating no one...but i was part of a game...of something i would start and where it would end no one knows...and i dont love her..i dont feel nothing....sex? no! i want more them sex, i want love!!!!

i am going to move, i am not sure when i can make my next post, but it will be in the same place where Anna and her child life...i can see the stars and know we will be both be looking at the same sky, that will see the same sun...share the smell of rain...and that i can see her...this is great feeling for me!!!

should we be just friends???? we are just friends!!!! i am there as her friend...as her support...i am honest and i be pure...and i hope God can look at me and say, you will have a second chance...they say true love conquers all...my love is true and pure....so maybe i can find love again!!! this is christmas we always hope in time...so lets hope...lets pray...and be honest, pure and true!!!

i am maybe the last of dying breed, the last of the romantics, the last of the ones you trully believe in love, in one person for ever and that is better to fight for what he believes!!! there is this magic phrase....accept what you cannot change...change what you cannot accept... i cannot change the fact that after the day will come the night, that we go old, that during our lifes we will lose ones to death....but i cannot accept that life is about cheating and affair...no...this i cannot accept..and i will work to find...true love!!!!!

i know this is for me, this is my way to express what i trully feel...but if you came across this blog in this time...light a candle for me, pray for me, ask good to give me a change....and have a merry christmas!!!

on the way

I am starting a new chapther in my life, time is running down, its fast, its amazing how fast can move, i am chancing my life, i am changing my job, we have a say, new new year, new life, and this year its not literal, its reality, new job, apartment, city, country, gym, it may say i will change everything, maybe i change a lot, but there are things you dont change.

In this days i am closing down a life in here and be ready for the move, during the mad rush you think also a lot, can you change??? maybe change is not the right word, i didnt change, i look at the mirror i am the same, i didnt change when i say i will never cheat the women i love, i dont change in the values i consider right, i didnt change in the way i view the world, i didnt change in believing in do the right thing independent what people my think of you or what will be the costs...

and yet i i change, i am so much tolerant, more open, ready to share, learn to see the other side, to be able to realize you need to share, you need to be there, you need to be a friend, to be source of help, of joy, i took a look back as this year is coming to an end, and i realize i move a lot, this year 2011, was not good for me, it was full of pain, suffering, devastation, miseary, but...and its a big but, it open the door to my heart, of my mind, and maybe of my life, its a year i will never forget, this year which i start being fully convinced of everything, of my ideas, of my views of the world, of what was right and wrong...i will finish with a view that in fact i have much less black and white views, i learn a lot about me, i learn a lot about life, about love, about what is really important in life, if you ask me...what you want for christmas, i would say what i want more them everything in life is that the women i love, loves me back, that simple...love!!!

i see during this days the mad shopping, the expensive gifts and i ask how much of this gifts are being bought not with joy, not to give joy, just to prove you spend a lot of money...are you giving the biggest of all to the persons you care??? are you giving them true friendship? love??? this is what i give, i hope them see that, that i would do anything for the people i trully care, one person i know, its not a friend, he couldnt be my friend, his wife as lung cancer and he could give her a lung, and he is not sure, because he races bikes on the weekend and he is not sure how this will affect this performance...i was speaking with him and 3 other guys in the gym...and i was shocked that no one said..you are a fucking bastard!!! i said it!!! they all look at me like was mad...i would have done this before even the doctor said the phrase....how can you carry one living in a situation like this????? what are we living in today???

this is part of that change, maybe i "change", improve, grow up, saw the "light", i am a better person, i am better with me, i hope i will be better with others, i hope that my christmas wish will come true, love!!!!

i dont have it now, but i have hope!!!!!! 2012 will be a love year!!!!

december

This december start a new approach, a new start in my life, i will leave my old job, i will leave my house, my country and move, move to a new job, apartment, city, country, its a fresh start, and the best thing of all of this is i will be near Anna.

I will life in the same city, in place we can see each other, were i hope we can enjoy a good time, i saw her, and i am not lying, i am not trying to play any games, every time i see i think, that i am close to the most beautifull girl in the universe, i smile, i feel like am take the world, that i the most lucky guy in the world to be there talking to her, is this love? i am still in love????

Yes, no, yes, no, i dont know, i have all this feelings, if she ask me back, i would say yes, in a blink, and yet i can survive if she say she doesnt want me, i dont want to build any expectations, i dont want to build any hope, i cannot confuse her being a friend to me, to a sign that she wants me back, its not easy, but its reality....

I will always love her, i will always have her in my heart, but i cannot be the guy who waits for ever to never to be called, to never have a second change, that i put all my life on hold to be confronted one day to Anna having a boyfriend or a husband...or even worse, to see her being alone and dont want you, i have to see how this change in place, in meeting her on a regular base, on us see each other now, to see how we changed, how we were shaped by current events, how we are now, maybe we are not going to together again, or maybe we are now perfect to each other, who knows????

what i know is december is the month of my birth, and last year, it start bad, it was like omen, it was like a sign that this december of 2010 to december 2011 would be what i can consider the worse year of my life, it was the only time in my life i lost hope, total lost of hope, i hit rock botton....this last days, this moments i have hope, i have a reason to believe life will be good....so i have a different sign, a different light, so maybe this will be like they say, after the storm will come sunny days, maybe i am ready to enter the sunny days!!!

life is not a easy road, its worth travel for, we should never stop fighting for what we believe, we should fight until the last breath we have, never stop, never quit, and if its for love, it until the day we die!!!!

i like this december, i have hope, i have joy, i have a reason to live!!!!!!

if you are out there....

If you are out there, the one who will touch my heart, the one who will bring the magic back life, you bring back love, you will bring me that special of kissing some one good morning, i hope we can meet soon, that my eyes can see you, that love can feel my heart....every day i wonder if i will find love again...its a strange process...i am not looking for it...i am not checking girls...going to bars...i am just living my life....

i keep thinking, is there some out there for me??? that really special person?? i am happy, i dont need this person to make me happy, for this i have me, i dont this this person to take care of me, i can do this pretty well, i want is some to share, to do things together, to be partner, to laugh together, to come home at night and have a tender feeling, to feel special, this is what i want, will i have get this???

i miss having some one to love, i try to think, to relax, that one day i will find the One, i look around, i know i am could make this person happy, magic, i learn the value of respect, of love, of sharing...sharing..it a simple word, and yet, we dont take it seriously...we think, its more important gifts, presents, no, no, no...the secret of having a life, a love is sharing, sharing your life, giving time, doing things, do the work at home, washing the dishes, do the rock she can share her issues, knowing that she will never be alone, that there will be always some one there for her...sharing, share the laugh, the tears, the joy, the pain, if you share, for real, no agenda, no hidden motives, no account, you created a life not of two persons or 3 or 4, depends if you have kids, you make a life one a family, of us, not they, this is sharing, this is make a unity, a life of love!!!

i am the last romantic? i am the last person you truly believe in love???? i keep writing this blog as a way to
show to others that you should follow your feelings, forget the impression that people have on you, be honest to your heart, open your heart,be truly honest, be the best you can be!!

I have no love, i have love in my heart, and i am still here...i am still standing...i am still smiling, i am still trying madly to be happy, so please, if you are out there, if you exist, please God, give a sign, make me believe i still have change to love!!!!!!

Afraid

Maybe afraid is not the right word, maybe its disapoiment, being let down, the last months i start a process of rebirth, of recovering myself, from losing Anna, from being a junkie of Anna, to be a happy person, i always consider that i had a special place in Anna heart, like she have one in mine. Anna will always be special for me, i touch her, i loved her, i dream with her, i cry for her, i cannot say she is the same as other people in my life, she is special, i was thinking i was also special for her.

this is not loving her now, or she still loving me, its a past, a bound, a connection, this is supose to last and resist the test of time, we are not together, but i dont have any reason to be bitter, to be angry, to have any negative feelings for her...now i start to feel from her part a sort of distance, of ditachment that i dont understand, the last time we speak, it was like she was doing me a favour...like, yyyeaa..yeeeaa....what you want??? she keeps telling, i will call you tomorrow, them nothing happens...what is she trying to prove? is she trying to create a situation that i will be annoyed and  cut all the contacts and she will be ok because the bad one was me?????

i am afriad that we are become more and more apart, and there is no reason, maybe its just a moment, maybe its just my impression, maybe its a direct effect of all the stress she is under, i am not pushing. i will always show my best side, she will never get a bad word or gesture from me, she is special for me!!! if situation turns for the worse, i will walk away, but i will never be bad for her!!!!!

life is moving in my way, i am getting fine, i am doing a training event today, talking for 65 people all day is not easy, but i am doing fine!!!! almost to mature force!!! i am returning to my funny mad me!!! i am not bitter, i am not writting this with any bitter feeeling in my heart, i am just telling things as they are....

i aam better, i am good,  i am trying to reach her a hand, why????? because she is special, because i will never want to see her sad, my biggest wish is that Anna is happy, that she find the peace that wants, that she can wake with a smile in her face...i am willing to be there to help reaching this, i am not trying to win her love, i am trying to make her a happy person, this is different, i am helping with no second intention...big liar...that is what you are saying...big fat liar...you want Anna back for you!!!!!

do i???? i dont know, does the Anna i love exist???? does the person i love so much still there??? this is the question that we soometimes get wrong, when you slipt from a person, time, life change us, the person looks the same, but she/he is not the same...and that is a reason why sometimes wanting people back fail so much!!!! i know what i want...i want to be at peace and be happy,  and i am!!!! i want love, this i dont have...Anna love??? another person love??? i open to love, and love is a process that you need to be treated well, to be a friend you still need to be treated well, confused??? you are not the only one : )

life is a very strange and magic journey, i am find this now, i am walking toward finding myself, now i hope i can find some one on the way!!!

in zen there is a say, to eat one meal you need to clean the plates from the last meal, my plates are clean now!!!

failing

I am falling, i am falling on my word, i am falling on what i said, and i am honest, i am being honest with me, were can i balance between what i feel and i promise???

I gave my word, i gave Anna the promise there was no hidden plan, there wasnt, but i keep having feelings for her, i keep think about her, i shouldnt, i sould forget her, i should not worry about her, i shouldnt care if she is happy or not...but i care, i saw myself on the drive home thinking about her, wishing to hear her voice, but i am not going to call, i am not going to do nothing...i will try to forget all i feel...

i am doing the right thing? i dont know, i dont really know, i wish one thing very different from what i am supose to be able to feel, i have lots of feelings in my heart, i dont know if i should walk away from her, she is my best friend, she is the most important person in my life, and i am not calling her because i dont want her to think i am pushing her, its a bloody stupid and hard situation, i cannot show her what i feel!!!! i have to hide all my feeling, keep them in control, maybe i with time i will be able to lose this feeling...

but i also ask myself, why should i kill love from my heart? its painfull? oh yes, its very painfull, it hard, but i love her, i should not even say this here, but i do, i know not one will know, but i am being honest with me, i will not do anything, its not easy, you love some one who doesnt want you, who you shouldnt love, and if she knows this she cut with me, can i live like this??? i dont know...

i am fine, i am not mad, i am eating, sleeping, laughting, i am being me, a good happy person, but i could be the best person in this world if she loved me, where hope, life, time, destinity have for me??? i dont know...this is not a easy post, its a complex time in here, i will move to her city, i will see her in the future, can i see her with another guy? how much will i suffer? some days i think i will be fine, that i am fine with the situation like it is now, some other days i feel i miss her so much....right now there is a lot on my mind, i write this post, and maybe it will be the first since i start that maybe tomorrow, or in a few days i will delete, i dont know...its not that i am in pain, its that i am no sure about life, about the which road to take, maybe god have a plan, a good one, it would be great if i would understand it a bit better...

life..every day

I talk and write about i feel, about my life, about what i see, my daily life is the source for what i write in here, the way i feel, the way i live my life, the things i see, what happen around, its the source and inspiration for what i write, i was soldier in a war, would write about i see there...but i am just an average guy, with a desk job, so write about my life...

I learn a lot about life this last year, i learn a lot about me...about people, because of what i happen to me i now take lot of attention how people, couples, how they interact, how they give attention or love to their partners...its strange...i am now helping a friend solving his issues, and i am trying to safe his marrige...me...who couldnt help myself..i am now helping....but strangely i am doing good

If you pay attention when you are in a plane, bus, restaurant, pay attention...see how people interact, do they care? do they show interest? are they in a good place???

what i see almost every day is people stop caring for their partners, i see a lot of cheating, of not caring, that i why i have lots of post were this is talked about this,I am amazed by how much people seen not to care about their partners...i was traveling recently in plane next to me there was this young couple with a girl about 2 years old, the father spend the 3 hours of the flight playing solitar in ipad, and not even once talk to his wife or pay any attention to his child, yesterday while i was waiting in the supermarket there was a couple, around late 30, not even a look between them...what are they thinking??? how can they love someone if you dont even look your partner, your wife, or kid in the eyes??

what is wrong?????? why people think that love is such a minor thing??? why looks like no one makes an effort???? are people together "just because"???? where is the true love???? do people in our days not realy love??? do they just think a life to be shared, is minor thing, a game a joke????

maybe i am bitter, maybe its because i lost my love, but i dont see around people who are willing to make an effort, who trully love, who really care about the partner...

I am the last person who can see this???? i am just stupid for thinking that you can make a life of two persons a life long journey??? that love is worth an invesntment, in time, in dedication????? i am crazy??????

i believe in what i think its right, i know if i have another chance of love, i will be very different from what i see around me...

i always believe true love conquers all, maybe i am wrong.....

I am still fine, life is good, but love is missing....i hope 2012 will bring that magic back to my life!!! who knows??? a new city, a new job, a new love??

face your word

I meet Anna, i cannot say how happy i was, to see her means so much to me, losing her, like i think i did, that i would never would see her was the worst thing in my life, its more them losing a person that means and meant so much to me, it was losing my best friend!!!!

We talk, we saw each other, and she even help me looking for an apartment, after 3 years of trying i finally found a job in the same city she lives, too late to save our love, i could curse my luck, see the things from a negative side, but i have a new job, a new challenge, i will living in the same place of Anna, i can see her, her child, its a lot to be happy for, its a great gift from life to me!!!

i promise her, i would be her friend, that there wouldn’t be any hidden agenda, that was my word, i saw her for two days, and i was looking for apartments in the two places of the city i knew, the place i lived before and near her place, in fact one of the places i saw was very close to her house, there was no hidden intention in here, but i forgot to see how this look like, how strange that may sound, i know that if would get that house near Anna, she would not even notice i was living there, i would never "casualy" meet her, will only will meet her if she wants, where she wants and when she wants, this is my word, this is who i am, and i will prove her, the junkie is long gone!!!! but i realise, i need to face my word, i need to prove her i am what i say i am, and i need to be extra careful in the first months, not because there is a secret agenda, no, i need to prove and sometimes more them prove that my intentions are the right ones!!! not only you need to be a friend, you need to show that you are a friend, and i told her, please if you have any issues say it on the spot, dont let perceptions cause a problem that there isn’t there.

i am honest, i saw her, and i still feel a little magic inside of me, yes, still smile like mad, i still cherry every moment we have together, but i know, i will not put put any “moves” on her, she see me as a friend, i am her friend, and she is now my FRIEND!!!!! i have one word, i will honor it!!!

i am starting my own life, i will live my own life in there, i will life by my own agenda, i hope to see Anna, like i would hope to see any of my close friends, i hope we can do things together, but i have my life, she have hers, and the future is there to discovered, will our futures crossed again??? i dont know, maybe not, maybe we will be good friends and that is all that it will ever be, but have such a close and great friend is already so great!!!

I have a chance to prove lots of the things i say here, and i will not let Anna down, i will life to prove my words, all i said in here i will honour, and prove her, we can be friends, honest, pure and true friendship!!!

Life

Life is a strange process, in august i was a mess, i was source of pain, to me, to the people around me, to all the ones i care, i was not good, how can we let ourselfs reach a stage that you become such a mess???

its very complex, simple, and easy, you stop thinking, you stop see things as they are, you stop believing in yourself, and you start to think all the answers in our problems are one person!!!

its not like this, you cannot find happiness that you seek in others if you dont find it in yourself first, you cannot be a partner, a friend, a lover, a husband, wife, if inside of you there is no peace, no joy, no love for yourself, this is where we usually fail, we think the answer for all our issues lay with others, it doesnt, we need to be alone in a place and be happy, we must think..wooww, what a great day i had, life is great!!!

Life is process that you must find your inner peace, is it easy? no!!! its bloody hard!! we are bombarded by society that we shouldnt be alone, alone is bad, alone is because you are not happy, that you have no one...its not true, you need to look at yourself, and try to answer a very important question, can you be alone and still find joy in life? still smile??? if you can, then you are ready to be with someone, if you cannot be alone and happy, then you are not ready to be with others, maybe its a bit of a zen thing, but we need to be alone and happy to be together and happy!!

I am happy, i am getting a good chance, a bloody good chance of a great job, and i will move to the city of Anna, no, i am not going to chase her, i promise her, honesty, friendship, there is not agenda, no hidden motives, i hope she can understand, i need "pal", someone to talk, to laugh, to speak about things, a friend!!!

i am starting a new job, someday i am super relaxed, some other days, like today, after i read lots of papers, i am a bit scared!!!! but its a challenge, its a new thing, it will be good, it will be tough, but its a new start!! and this is the most important thing, a new fresh started!!!

life is not just add all the days we live, its what we do with this days, what did we do with our life’s, was i a good person? did i stand for the right causes? did i touch others? was a positive influence in others? did i love??? did i felt the love in my heart??? 

i dont know the answers for all of that, but i am sure, i love, i was loved, this is the biggest thing any one can say!!!! how many go through life without feeling, without find true love....maybe a lot more them we think, i found love, i trully did, its one of the reason this blog exist, it start as a labour of love, love touch me, and can say, its magic!! i regret nothing!!!!

life is about not regretting, its about believing in the future, its about be at peace with yourself, its not be afraid of taking risks, its about be good for others, its about God, its about family, friends, we should never forget, being alive is a super great thing!!!! make others smile, today i stop my car in a busy street to let a old lady pass by, she was surprised and happy, she smile to me, it the best moment of this week, a smile and great feeling, just being good for no interest, that is what we should all be living for!!! make others happy, with no interest!!! be yourself a source a happiness...be happy...be alive!!!

Time

Time is a friend, an enemy, o cure, a pain, in fact time is all of that and more, with time we start to lose the pain we feel, all pains, physical pain, love, lose, they all slow and fade with time...

but time brings also the memories, bring to the mind the good and bad, but we start to think only about the good things....

i had a lucky break recently in my job area, but its taking a bit more time to happen them i expect, i am starting to be anxious, i am losing my patient, but its under control...i have full control over me now! i am not losing my mind, i am not going to be mad!!!

I changed, i never really plan my future, i always let things happen, never consider what will happen in 4, 5 years, this is over, i now i am planning my future, maybe i am getting old, maybe learn more about life, i have now a plan for my next 4 years, i am hoping that after this lucky break, i will take all chances not to return, i see my future not in here, but in a different job, in a different place!! and instead of waiting to things to happen, to let time just flow, i am now taking from day one the chances to make my life change!!!!

i hope this luck break on the professional side will also lead to a new dawn for my personal side!!! i am not the stressed person i was, i am not the madly focus on one person i was, i am now a normal person, with its issues and strengths, but i am much, much better them i was in august!!! this month and half made a huge difference in me!!! i look back and i am shocked, i was not good, not good at all, for no one, and not even for me!!!!

if you are reading this, and thing there is no hope, that life will never smile at you back, i tell you, and i tell you from the heart, time will make a huge difference, hope is always there, we fail to understand one thing, hope, strengths, happiness are not in others, its in ourselves, we need to look inside of us for hope, for joy, for peace, its here, its in you, in me, in every one of us, we just need to learn how to get it back!!! another person is luxury, and gift, a magic moment, the best reward we can have, but we cannot expect that its the other person that will bring all the things to us, no, its us that need to bring all the best in us!!

If we are a mess, the other part can be there, can be a rock, can provide all the love and support, but cannot make us feel good about ourselves, we need to do this for us, this is another thing time teach me, its us you bring peace and power to ourselves...

time is a ultimate teacher, and i have hope for the future, i am know time is on my side!!!!

Saudade

Saudade, its a bit a magic word, there is not a lot a good translaction, its a word from this country in the south of europe, there is this french song, saudade, also, its when you miss some one...

when you look back you try to make a picture in your mind about how it was the life with some you loved, the love between you and that person, you try to see the good points, the fights, you try to understand why you are not together any more, was it good? was it bad? was it worth it? every person will have a different view, you will have one...she will have another, your friends a different one...

for me the only thing i care, was, was it worth it???? how i will remember this person???? with a smile??? or deep grim??? we meet people across our lifes, some will take a vital place in your mind, they will be remember when your life past in front of your eyes in the closing moments, others, they are a side note, you will have to make a effort to remember them.

i have persons who cross my life, and i have persons who touch my life, there is many ways to be special, to be remembered, Anna touch my life in a very special way, she will always be special, different, i would never would see her again, she would still be a special friend, i will always treat them in a special way, this doesnt mean, i will chase her again, that i want to be back in her life,no, i share my heart with her i dont have a lot of person who touch my heart, for Anna, i will be always there, i can be married with kids, she can be married with kids, we can be in 2040, we be both old and grey, and she will still be special, its nothing to do with trying to go back in a relationship, or have any second intention, its fact this person touch my life in a very special way, so there is no way i can treat her the same way i deal with a normal friend from high school!!!

this the way i think, maybe others will think in a different way, i dont know, i can always think for me, and this is way i think!!!i hope she see me also in a special way, some who she loved, some she love so much, i have no doubts that she trully loved , we share so many wonderful moments, maybe she doesnt think the same way, maybe she see me in a different light...

i can only speak for me, and i can say, i much rather remember the joy and love them the fights and bitter moments, and i know life is a long process, but when i rather think about the good things, about the joy, zen say, we are what we think, so thing good and life will reward you with good things....

i have to say, for me i will always will be thinking of  Anna with joy, i will remember her, i will thinking about her in many moments in my life, we life together, we share a lot, i hope she can see me the same way, i hope in the future we can meet, do things together, share a dinner, remember stories, and find in our minds the joy of being friends!! friendship, honest, no agenda, no hidden motives, just true friendship, because a friend to whon you can say anything is very precious, this is what Anna is for me a close and true friend!!

There is no secret story here, there is not moving backwards to a time to try to get "a fix with Anna", no!!! i am not trying to get her, its about the way you see others, how you remember your life, its about not let the past control your futures..and missing some one, a person you have a special place in your heart, Anna is, i say is, i hope i am right, and dont want to use "was" my best friend, and miss her...as friend!!!

Its about how you see the other persons, its about being happy, i am concentrating in the good things, be a positive force!! and life will be good for me!!!  be open to chance, be open to be happy, and you will be suprised with life!!!!life can be great!!!

sunny day

Today was a perfect summer day, sunny, blue skies, hot, this amazing light, and its almost October but it feels like June!!! its a bit like i feel today, its like i am happy again, that my life is getting back in track again, its like the little pieces are slowly coming in to place!!!!

I have a chance of new job, a real job, a new challenge, a hard and demanding job, in a different country, in a different city, where you can start fresh, where you will have a chance to reinvent yourself!!! it strange how a new job makes you feel so good!!! it not the salary that is important, its not the fact that i know this is a 4 year job and them its over, hey, 4 years is a lot of time!!! lots of things can happen in 4 years...2007-2011, my life change so much so many times that its crazy, this new job is like a sign, its like a magic piece so i can rebuild the way i see myself, i have so many plans, things to do, places to see, i am planning to feel my time with walks, mountains, sea, gym, work, i look at the sun and blue sky and say, life is good!!!

could be better???? sure, it love life is always better, share a life and its always better!! but you can be happy with you, you can be happy just with you, your well being should never be dependent on others, you should be able to leave the bed in the morning and say...what a great day...if you are alone or not!!!!

when we have a just eggs and sausages we can make a super tasty lunch, we dont need to have lots of things to cook a super tasty meal, we just cook with what we have and eat it, and say, this was a super lunch, or dinner, the same we should do with life, enjoy what we have, take the massive advantage of it, be happy, see the light, come out, live life!!!

i am in this stage now, i happy, i am ready, to see my life moving forward, and i am ready to have kids, it strange in my recent travel, i was in a foreign country, and while i was waiting in the airport, i come across a job where they sold baby clothes, i would never even look at that in the past, and yet now, i stop, i look, i smile, and was almost tempted to buy it, i was thinking about the joy that must be to buy this things for your kids, i was there 10 seconds, but it was a revelation, it was a very intense 10 seconds, and i smile, i found happiness, not sadness, not despair, i am alone, i have not a person in my life to own i want to have a baby with, and yet i was happy, i was good, this was one of the best moments in the last months!!!

I left the clouds and dark stops, i am in the sun, i am enjoying the light, life is so full of surprises!!!!

what is love?

What is love??? when you know that you are in love? how much love is the right "dose"? when you know that other person is the right one for you? when you stop see the right paht and become mad with lose??? is to much love bad for you???

I look for love all my life, we all do, real love, true love, pure love, and how many of us can say, i found true pure love??? not a lot!!!! and when we do, maybe we dont realise how precious and rare that we found!!!! when we will love and be loved??? when the find the one that touches your heart? and why that special person??? why not the milions of others we come across every day????

I dont know how to answer, because for each one there is a different answer!!! maybe there are things for each there is no normal logic answer, sometimes that there is no logic, its the magic that persons brings to you...can you love the same person twice??? can you fall back in love with some one from your past??? i dont know...no one knows....i cannt see the future..the only thing i can do is make me a better person so i can right for the love of others!!

You meet so many people in your life, some are pretty, some are sexy, some are amazing, and yet only one its the right one for you, only one touches your heart, why???? why????

because you have the some hobbies??? do you see the some tv shows? do you listen to the mad 80s music? no...because you simply fall in love!!! That magic feeling takes over you, that makes you feel great and bad, its the must powerful force in our lifes, but we need to learn to balance it, I for a while was not able, I was out of control, I let love blind me, made me almost a junkie, but this is a experience that I grow, I learn a lot about me, about life, about balance, about people….and I see what did bad, that sometimes love out of control is not good…when was living with Anna she love in a very intense way..almsot out of control and it, but i could handle it, which makes me ask, how are two person you love so much cannot be together?? wrong time?? how knows, life is not a easy ride...


you cannot decide to love some one...you can refuse some else love, you can try to seduce another person, when you are in love you can try to show to the other person you are the right one for her, that you are the best in her life, but there is always the change that the other person will say no, that she doesnt have feelings for you, or doesnt want to have feelings for you, and you have to life with this, you need to learn love and not be loved!!! it happens every day, why??? why cannot we all find the right person??? why cannot we life with our heats full of love??? i wish i could answer this, i would be a millionaire!!

Some times we get hurt, we lose hope, we see the friends, family, their relationships, the weddings collapse, we see cheating, affairs, we think, this is what will happen to me, so you lose hope....

when you are alone, we want to feel the joy of others and we rush with some one....and after a few months, years, we realize this is not the one, this was a bad replacement, or good replacement but not the one...i decide not to do this, I don’t have a date in the calendar to find a partner, I am working in me, I am working in enjoying every day, and hope that one day some one will come and show me how life at two is so much better them at a single!!! But I am only available for the right one, for true love!!!

We should learn to see difference between “interest”, lust, sex, fun....this is just good for one, the other is the “provider” of good feelings for the “user”, its not love, it will make you happy for a while, but in the end will leave with a burning feeling!!! Love, is when some one person is there to offer not the body but the sould to you...this is the love that you should look for, its the way to true happiness!!

we should be able to see that love is great, there is nothing better to offer then pure love, honest love, true love, this is the biggest that you can give someone, its let a person share your soul.

I have no one to love, and yet i love, i love the sea, the sun, the mountains, the fresh air, i love the memories that i have from my past, i love being alive, there is lots of love in me, i have a big heart full of love to give, will i find the right one??? the women you will make my life magic again??? i dont know...i hope so!!!

that is the mystery of love, we can spend years waiting and looking and in a instant you can find it, she just need to ready to accept, to see!! some times it just there in front of you!!!!

life is great!! fill with love and its magic!!!

Respect

To be happy, to make others happy, you must respect yourself, you must be able to be a person that you and your first must be able to respect!!

You may not like the decision other people will take, you may think that they are wrong, you may not even understand them, but  you need to respest the decsions of others!!!!

Respect is the base for a lot of things in life, its about you giving the other person a choice in their lifes, and you about deciding what you can accept or not in your life!!

If some one will ask to not see you, you are not going to "pass by", you may want to see her, you know where she lives, where she is, you may dont even understand why, but dont even think about going there, no!! respect her decision and respect yourself!!! you are not stray dog who was abandon by the owner!!! no, be man,!! its not easy, but it a decsion some one took, and you have to choices, to take it like a man, and respect this, or be a bad need person and keep passing bye, keep trying to show yourself!!!

I travel to place of the person i care so much, she said she dont want to see me, i know where she live, where she worked, i would have go there, i could have pass by her house, so see, to check...no, i will never do that!!! why??? respect for her and me!!! i hope she know me to know i would enver do that!!!!!! if she want to put me out of her life she just need to say it, i will not understand, i will not be happy, but i will respect her decision!! it her decison!

i do this because its a question of respecting myself, there is nothing worse for your self eesten them beg for some to love your, to pitty you!!! you dont get any love this way, and if you do its the worse sort, its a negative force, its a source that will bring you down with time!!!

you need to respect yourself, you need to true to yourself, look at yourself, see if you are part of the soluction or the problem, and deal with your issues, make yourself a better person, a happier person, a stronger person!!! this is what i do now,  i am rebuilding my self, a better happier me, and its going in the right direction, the path to your happiness is the road that sometimes you have walk alone, make yourslef happy and you can make others happy!!!

Respect is also be honest, is a two way street, if you are not treated with respect, you will not be able to respect the other part!!!

right now i look at tme and i can respect myself, i can be a source for good, and now this is enough for me!!!!

values!!!!

We all have values, we all say we are good people, and yet I am getting suprised by the lack of different approach people taking in the public life, were they preach all the values and them the private reality!!!!!

values are a thing that you cannot discard when they are not convenient to you, they are part of you!!! they are the base of who you are. In the last weeks, i am surprised by how persons i consider to know well, have a very different side!!!

some of my friends, married, and i was thinking happy married, that they lead a life that i respect, in fact have a second secret life, a life where they cheat, were they play games,...they all say to me...hey, are you a choir boy???? are in the 18 century??? no, and no.

i see this all the time, i see most of my friends cheating, i see them getting divorces..are all relationships doom to fail??? are we all going to start a relationship to end??? what happen to people who life together for ever, they would stay together until the die..what happen to true love??? why people stop investing in their relationships??? why arent they honest???? I don’t know.....i know one thing, I am not like that..

Are we so concentrate in making our careers, money, success, etc, that we forget the most important thing, the person who shares the life with us??? are we so focus on us, in me, that we forget the we??? i am alone, i am not in a relationship, but i still believe in true love is the most important thing, that our main objective should be creating conditions to have a great life at two, that money, success, social status, job, are not the most important thing, that we shouldnt sacrifice our loves for any of that...

am i the last person who thinks like this??? i am the last person who never cheated??? i never cheat, never, chances a lot, sometimes from girls who were friends, our called friends of my girlfriend...but i never cheated, today i look around and i see people who tell me, hey...its a fast life, its a fast world, lets enjoy the day, lets have fun...so according to them cheat is fine, its ok, its just fun...

i have one rule in my life, be true to myself, its the first rule of my life, i respect the things i believe and i dont decide to change what i believe when its convenient to me, no its much more hard, but its the only way i can life...

yes, i miss a lot of sex, but i am like this, i prefer to be loyal to me!!! i wish that i had love in my life, i have some one who says she love me, but i have no feelings, i dont love her, i can understand her, but i cannot abuse her love for me and use this to get what i want, i told her, i am her friend, we will go in holidays together, i will do a lot together, but i told her, i dont love you, i am being honest, can i love her in the future???? who knows??? i dont, i think its better to see, to enjoy the company of each other, to have fun, like friends, i know her for more then 15 years, i dont want to spoil this long time friendship...

one close friends, who know me well, told me yesterday i was crazy, that any girl, if she is good looking and i should take advantage...but i dont take advantage...i dont "cheat" her, and me, its not correct...

i just have values, and i life by them, its not easy, i can say, if i cheat, if i lie, if i was not honest, if i manipulate, my life would be much more easy, but i am not like that!!

I have a core set of values, honesty, respect, trust, love, commitment!!!! i am honest with myself, how many times you hear, no one will know....hey...you will know!!! if you cheat, maybe your partner will not know, but you will know!! i cannot do that, in my life i lose a lot of sex because of that, but and some days the next morning, when you are driving home alone, you think, danm, i maybe i should...but you know you are doing the right thing, to you!!!! i  cannot understand the people who can life between two loves, because this really means is you dont love none, because if you love, who dont want to share, you want this person and only this person!!! i never found some one who love, trully love ansd wanted to share the person he/she loved, to spend time with other,....

if you show that you have values, this leasd to trust, if you are honest and show that, people can trust you, they can know if the situation will arrive, you will be able to say no!!! how can you trust someone who cheats??? how can you look in the eyes of some, and say, no, no, i want you and in the side he/she is having an affair??? doesn’t matter where you stand, if you are in this situation, you will lose!!! i see this now every day!!

I ask one of my friends, why? why does he do it?why you have an affair??? he told me, because its fun! fun? yes, fun! he told me with his office work, his kid, and have no time, he is not giving any time to his relationships, so instead of trying to make an effort, of showing its partner how much he care for her, he is now having an affair with a colleague!!! but he doesn’t want any divorce, its just fun....

to impose yourself values is not an easy decision, its not simple, its very hard, but its the only way for me to life! i am committed, i am honest with myself, i a person you can rely on, that if i am in relationship there is only one side of me, not two sides, one side!!! trust, honesty, respect, love, dedication, and joy!

I am alone now, it would be tempting to forget all the values i base my life, take a few girls for spin, but no, the fact that i am alone, just reinforce my commitment to my values.

i am maybe walking this path alone, but i am at peace with me!! and this is a reward that is foundation for a future life!!! maybe i am too old fashion, maybe i stupid, i don’t know, but i  have values i respect, i see around me all this lies and games, but i trust myself, i know if one day i will be with some one, i can prove to at least this person that life can be different from what you see around!!!

I will live always for the values i have, maybe i will die alone, but i will die respecting the values that base my life!!! and i tell you something, i am happy, every time i resist the idea to break one of them, i can tell you chances happen, you feel good, you feel happy, i know who i am, and i am happy with the person i am now!!!

future!

how will be my future?? this is a question that we all try to answer, we can make plans, we can work for them, we can imagine, but sometimes the future is totally different from what we expect and want, sometimes much better, sometimes much worse, sometimes just different....

i am not where i would expect to be, this is not what i plan, this is not how i would see my future in 2007, or in 2003, or in 1994, all this times the future look different, i had different life plans, different ambitious, hopes, fears...and yet i am here, in a cross road, try to find the right path to follow!!!

in the last two weeks, its like i wake for a depression, from addiction, i was not good, i let my feelings took control, i let my feeling of lost overwhelm me...all my life i look for the right girl, the ONE!!! i meet many girls, had a special passion for 3, in 1982, in 1987 and in 1994, i had affairs, i had some feelings for more girls, but does 3 where special, i had a strong feeling for them, special in 1994, but none was the one, none off them touch my heart and soul, like Anna did, and i didnt see that, i only realise how much i lose, after she left, after i start to see how i also "helped" process of her leaving, by being to self centred...we were so right for each other, but maybe too soon, maybe to early in life....

But i when realize what i lost, and slowly i start to become more stressed, more desperate, i had become a shadow of me, i was not happy, i was insecure, i was jealous, and we were not in a relationship, if we would be back together, maybe i would be cured, because i was so self centred in Anna that i would ok, or maybe not, because i was not right, i was just creating problems everywhere, i could enjoy nothing, so maybe it would have been bad...very bad!!!

now, she says we will be friends, just friends,that she needs time, that maybe she will call me, i promise, i will respect that, that i will not call, that i will not mail, i will wait for her to feel the need to call me, to speak to me, to see, me, but but in my heart i know this will not happen, she is trying to forget me, to take me totally from her life, i hope that i am wrong, i truly hope so, but that is what i feel now...

i can look in the eyes of the future, i am can see the office, my colleagues, my friends, make plans, enjoy the day, enjoy a nice sunny day,  no, no, i am still not well, i still think about her, not all the time, not in a desperate way, but i do, there are things that remind me of her, and before i would feel this pressure in my heart, i would be sad, i would feel bad, now i a smile, i still miss her, but i can control the feelings!!

the future?? i am not chasing any girls, no, i am not going to start chasing girls, some of the guys in one of my sports are going out, chasing girls, and yes, they are all married, and they go out once a month to chase girls, they lie to their wife’s, and go, its 4 guys, one is having an affair for 1 year, the others keep talking how many girls they get, they ask me to go, i said no, i have to honest with me, with what i feel right, with what i believe!!! I don’t want lies, games, deceit, one night stands, no, now I want peace, I want to be able to be enjoy my company, so I can be a good company to others!!!

i am giving a training course in one of my sports to one person who wants to chase me, if Anna knew she would ask??? why??? to hurt me??? to prove anything? Revenge??? no, i would never do that, i hope she knows me better, why i do it???? the real reason is the most strange one, to give my brother a job!!! he need a job, the club can only pay if there is courses, so i start the course, and them i stop, and my brother takes over, i am not a liar, i am not a man you can have two persons in his heart, just one, and there one who is still there, and maybe will never leave, this doesn’t mean i stop living, that i can start with time to chase happiness, but the person will be there for ever...but i cannot stop living, i cannot stop building a happy life, i have no secret plant to implement to try to go back to her...i am now living a day each time!

how will be my life in 2015???? married? single? divorced??? father???? dead??? who knows, no one knows, and i learn that i can make plans, i can try to change live, but life keeps surprising me....i hope is just one thing, that i can be happy with me, that i can be a honest with me, have love in my heart!!!! let see in 2015!!!

Understand

When you understand the reason why something happens, its more easy to deal with it!!! you can see the reasons, you can like it or not, but you can work out why it happen!!!

There is many questions not answered in my life now, there is many things i would like to understand, to have a clear picture, sometimes you dont say everything, you avoid say some things to avoid hurting the other person, but in the end is worse, honesty, when you are honest with you and with others you can have a clear mind!!! peace of mind!!!

It not easy to be fully honest, but its the best way, i have questions, issues, and i would like one day to understand...i dont understand how i was important for some one, we talk a lot, and in a day, this person who i share a life, say she dont think she want ever to see me...why??? i can see two reasons for this, i was bad for her, i was a source of pain, or she have a new love and want me out of her life...and yet i was giving no reason...the reason was i had still feeling for her....

is so bad to know that some still have feelings for you??? its bad that if someone cares for you phones you to know how you are??? specially when you are going through a bad time???i never beg, i never was, can we be back together...please give a chance!!! there was never drama!!! i try to be a supportive person...


there was two situations, that i was not right, and i apologise for it, it was the junkie in me!!! which is gone now...its sad to lose the person you want, the person who you care so much, and because you lose her, because she cuts you,you become a better person for this same person.....its strange..but real!!!

i was told i was pushing to much, its true, this i understand and totaly say, yes, like i said before, i was a junkie!!! that i was trying to control her life, not true, and this is not only me, she has this feeling with the father of her child, i was never sure he was, now i can understand better, he was not, he maybe was just like me to pushy to talk to his child but he was not trying to control her.... i have a bad feeling about the person who is helping Anna, i have the feeling because the person who helped me, that her soul rest in peace, she pass a few days ago, its a great lost to me, the last time i spoke with her, she told me, she was proud of me, that i was able to stand in my own to feet, that i stop being a junkie, that she consider when she first talk to me, she was thinking i was lost, that i was not able to do it, but she alse told me something, that in her job, the line between helping and start to manipulate the life of others is very thin, many times is not even a conciencse process, she said she is not there to choose for me, to give answers, she is there to ask me questions,to show me ways, directions....that is the reason she never told me to give up Anna, that sometimes people say, cut all ties with that person, and they dont know the person, the person history, its a text book advice, she told me, always take your decisions, help, not take decison on behalf  of others...this is something i will always remember, it was the last time i spook with her...and i have the feeling that Anna was giving the advice to cut with me, totaly, because i had feelings, that this would create a extra pressure, that i am not good for her...i dont know....and that is why i dont understand, if you know, if you have the full picture, you not like it, but you can understand...

this is also a last goodbye to the women who help me, who listen to me in an hour of pain, in a time where i was not good, i hope she will be looking after me, i hope she can see me from heavan, and she will know that i am alright!!!

is this a step back??? no, i am just trying to understand why someone who told me that she would never want to lose my friendship, is now saying dont want to see me...i dont understand....maybe there is nothing to understand...maybe this is just my side of the story, maybe Anna have real reasons, maybe she dont want to tell me, because she is my friend, who knows....but in end with time we will conquer everything!!! i will be ok...

what i can say is can sleep at night, that i can smile, that i can start to enjoy things, that i can now start to take pleasure in little things, and this is a huge change from the last months, i am on road to a better future...i am on the road to find myself again!!! 2011 as been a roller coaster year, and its not even finished!!! there is a say in zen, when you are right the master will appear...i am now adapting it to my life, when you are ready for true love, to a family, to be a true partner, love will appear!!!! and i am now i am on the way to be ready, truly ready to find me again!

mistake?

If i look back at all this last years, was the love i had for this person, all the things i did was a mistake? I let  start a process that shouldnt have ever started??? was i better never let this person enter my life???? if you see things from the outside, if you are a person on the outside, they maybe even think it was a mistake, that all of this was wrong!!!! that i was taken for spin and them dumped!!!! that i should never love this girl!!! NOOO!!!

this is not true, i regret nothing, if i know what would happen, from the start, to the end, knowing how much i would suffer, know this would end, and if i couldnt change nothing, from start to finish, with the fights with the bad things, would i do it again??? YES!!!!! i wouldnt even bllink, i would do again, i dont regret nothing, i found that life is tough, but i have my heart fill with great memories!!!

I feel that this was not a mistake, this was one of the best experiences, one of the best times in my life, loved again, i learn to share a live, i grow up a lot, i become a better person, i am not the some person i was before Anna, and i feel that she gave on of the best lessons in life, she made me feel loved, she made me feel like a full person, this is never a mistake!!!! this is something i will always consider very special in my heart!!!

I will always have a special place for Anna in my heart, i am sorry that this didnt workout like i hope, yes, some is my responsibility, yes, i know, i should have done more, i was not ready, i would have been ready now, i know the right thing, and strangely after she told she doesnt want to see me, i am even better for her, because i stop being a junkie!!!! now i have the head in the right place, and my heart is right, but its to late...

I would have been perfect for her, i know her, i know how to make her happy, i know what makes her stressed, i could make her life a pure heaven, she would had in me some who would never cheat, you would all to make her happy, to turn her life in magic event, it ddidnt happen....

As we lose this magic feeling in you, you start to see that part of the issues are not only mine, i put a lot of a lot of the blame on me, its true, all i say in this blog is true, i should have done a lot of things differently, but Anna, why didnt you fight more for us???? why didnt you gave me a change to speak, to act, to fight for us???

i know that it was hard times, but you never gave me a true change fight for us, you never said, i cannot carry on any more like this, for us have a future you need to move here!!! if that is what you really think we have no more future...she never ask that, she never said that,  she never gave a true chance....what i would have answer??? what would have happen....we will never know..

there are things i dont understand, she told she feel alone, she was in a bad time, i try to be there, to help, to be her friend and in the end she told me i want to control her life, i didnt, true, honest!!! i was concern for her, i was trying to be best support for her, i was trying to be there for her, just that, not trying to control, not trying to clain a stake in her life, maybe i was too pushy, yes, i was a junkie!!! but the feeling was right!!! I think she need to look at herself, what she really wants, and see that what we need was just there, and the past and the future are not the same, and because people in the past was not honest, were not correct, doesn’t mean man are all the same, like I did at me, maybe she need to look at her, and like I was junkie, maybe she need to get out also of her process...this is the only way for her to be happy!!! if she doesnt, she will get attention, interests from guys, she is beautifull, she will get sex, but love???? she was hurt, manipulated, she was not treated good by same assholes, but she cannot think we are all the same, she need to see the some people can really be trusted!!!!


I care for her, I hope that Anna can be happy, i really do, i pray to god, for Him to put his hand in Anna shoulder, and give her peace of mind, to give her all the strength she need to have a very happy life!!

Maybe i am bias, maybe i am being unfair, but i think in a few years, not now, in a few years, when Anna will look back at her life, when her child grows up and move always, she will look back at life, we all do this, and she will see that there was this guy, who love her, always!!! who was always there for her, that always treat her like a princess, who was her friend, maybe she will realize them, she made the biggest mistake in her life, that she trade pure love, for a fake interest, she lost the love, a love of gold for some shiny metal, she let the fear of the past control her future...she made a mistake in let me go!!!! maybe she will realise that, but it will be to late...maybe she will find some one who care for her as much as i did....i dont know, life is a big mystery!!! i hope she will be happy, i trully hope so...

Right now my mind is almost at peace, i am taking control of my life!!! i am getting to a good phase!! all the other pieces are slowly getting together, my getting control of my life, i am ready to start a new life, a new happy life!!!

i have friendship with Anna to take care, and i will!!!! 

But Anna was never a mistake!!! she was one best things in my life!!!! maybe the BEST thing!!!

junkie

The last days were everything but easy, i reach a low point, the women i love told she doesn’t want to see me anymore, i was not good for her, that i was negative, that i was not right for her....it was very hard, but didn’t understand, but them i had a long hard look at me...very long drives give you this chance...

its never easy to look at you, to see that sometimes you are more part of the problem, them the solution, i had become a junkie, a junkie of Anna love, since the start of the year, like any junkie, it start not bad, but them it start to worse, and worse, it was a classic process, like you become a drug addictions, i start to lose interest in everything else around me, all the things i like, all the people around me, they all start not interesting me, i start a strange process, i start a spiral process, i was more and more addicted to this!! you dont enjoy life, you cannot find joy, you cannot have peace, its so bad i lose a lot of weight, and hair, yes, i start to lose a lot of hair, i couldn’t watch tv, listen the radio, i was a mess, i was a source of negativity, i had become a junkie!!!!! i was in a moving in a nervous breakdown, i was moving towards a huge depression!!!

I had a case of a close family member developing a drug addiction, i saw all the process, and the shocking thing, i was show the exact same sign, the only thing important was the next fix, the phone call, the mail, the visit, and you stop at nothing, if you call and she cannot reach you, you try and try, and if you cannot get your fix, you get depressed, anger, you start feeling bad, you try again, its i was drugged addicted!!!

It so shocking to see this now, and its so strange that when the women i care so much told she cannot see me anymore,she saved me, she help me, she cured me, its like the addiction cycle was broken, listen to her say she maybe would never would see me again, was hard, very hard, but i cannot explain, we talk face to face, i listen, i told her i could be her friend, i didnt want to lose her friendship, she told me she would think about it, i told i would wait for her to call, to send a sms, i dont if she will call back, i hope she will...

i was praying a lot this last days, i light a lot of candles’, and for a day i was asking myself, i am good and god abandoned me, he left me to hell, and them like a miracle, because she told all does things, i was cured, dont get me wrong, its not easy, but i was cured of this addiction, i cannot explain, i am not an expert on this i just know what i feel, its like all the sudden, i could see the sun, i could start breathing, maybe she telling me she doesnt want to see me, was the best thing in my life, for me and her, i was not a good person, i had lost all my interest in everything, i was good at my sports, i was doing great at a European championship, top 5, and i was not having any interest, any joy, any fun, i couldnt be there, i could be any where, i was just thinking when i get the next phone call, sms, mail, when, can i call back!!! i never expect to be like this, i am glad she ask me to move away, i would have drown her with me, in this sea of negative feelings!!!

i was the worst kind of junkie, a needy person, a jealous one, a demanding one, i was never at peace with myself, i was always struggling, i was always trying to work for the next fix, i realise now, i was not a source of good, i was a source of negative feelings, even when i try to help, i become a mess!! i was not helping, i am just getting my "fix", i was just trying to get the next dose....

I was always stressed, i stop having any joy, job, sport, friends, i was always in despair, in anxious, no peace, i couldnt be alone, i couldnt rest, i couldnt find a moment where i would look at the sea and enjoy the moment, just for it self, no, all i was thinking was, when can i call, when i will get a mail??? and if this didnt happen, i become super stressed...a bad person...

i feel awful when i look at myself and see this, i am now have to read all the posts i did, yes, all the things i say in here are true, i have changed, i am a better person, i grow up, but i was also a mess, part of me was improving, the other part was going in spiral down, i read some of the post, i am honest in what i say, they are true, i will never cheat, i will make a effort every day, i will honest, i will give respect and love to the person i love, but i am also shocked by the desperation in some of the text, if we had by any chance together in last few months we would move towards a very bad split, we wouldn’t be any happy, why?? not because i had not the right feelings, the feelings were right, but i was not, i shocking but real, and its not easy to accept, but i was junkie, i would be insecure, jealous, paranoid, full of fear, always trying to control, to see, keeping asking for reassurance, i would become needy person, i would be worse sort of person, i would be a source of stress, a source of negative feelings!!! No a source of good things, of simple things!! i dont know if i will see her again, i dont know when i will her voice again, but i am ok, i hope we can be friends, i hope she can see that one day...

I am peace with me, i so strange, i lose the thing i care more, and i become at peace with myself, today i stayed home, and it was fine, i didnt had any lonely feeling, i didnt feel any bad, i smile, i am a nice person to my family, i sleep good, i didnt see bad time as a struggle, before i would everything no to go to bed, because i wouldn’t sleep, now i am fine, i am planning things to do, i use to meditate 5 minutes, its not a yoga or self help process, it was tool from my karate times, i would meditate to become a better warrior, i stop about six months ago, i couldn’t get any peace, i am ready to start again!!! I can be alone and be happy, be happy with just me!!! what a difference!!!

I see the sun, its like i was in the dark all this last months, an now i can see the sun, its like i am better, i look myself in the mirror, and i look younger, i true, its like i get younger by 8 -10 years, ok, maybe not that many, but i look younger, my colleagues, my friends, the people around me will be so surprise when they see me again, i am still not back to the old me, a force of nature, but i am getting close!!! all the sudden life is good again!!

pure friend

Can i be a true honest friend, no interest besides pure friendship of a person you i have feelings, who means a lot to me??? this is a big questions, i said yes, and i try to prove it yes, because the alternative is losing a person, who besides all the feelings i may have have become my best friend, as become the person who knows more about me them any one else in this planet!!!

Can i lose both the person i have the feelings for and my best friend??? i cannot, i must be true to myself, if i cannot control what i feel, i will tell her and i will walk away, because it will become a self preservation exercise!!!

Can you be friends of person you had feelings before?? yes, you can, in fact i am the living proof of that, i am friends of a girl i had feelings, strong feelings, and now we are just friends, nothing more, we talk, we see each other, but there is nothing more there them pure friendship.

i will try my best to just be justt a friend, to be there as pure friend, i would have to said i couldnt have done that the last month, but my mind change a lot, i am not longer a junkie, i am no longer living a addictions of a person, now i can think, i can free, i can enjoy things, i can start having fun, in the little things, like going to windsurf, i went today, not a lot of wind, but i had a great time, the last times i tried i had zero fun, my head was playing tricks with me all the time, not any more, today i was just me, and me alone, and i am good!!

can we be friends??? pure friends??? if you read all the post, all my declarations of love and dedication, you may say, no, i am lying to myself, i am not being honest, but i am, i will try to be honest to her and to me, if i cannot be a pure friend, i will walk away, i am honest, i will always be honest, and i dont want to start living and giving myself expectations that will never happen...so i am ready, pure friend, more them everything in life, i dont want to lose my best friend, this as nothing to do with feelings or what happen in the past, we are friends, and i hope that life can prove that i can be her pure friend!!! and there is nothing hidden i here!!! if i cannot life to that, i will move away, its a promise!! honesty above all!!!

end?

Yes, it over, she told me she doesnt want to see me any more, it was a shock, i have to confess, that day was very bad, the worse day of my life, you hear the last thing you want, it was so bad, that i was driving, i stop on the highway, i get out of the car and stay still, for more them one hour...all the things rushing in your mind...this was the worse i could imagine...but even in all the pain it had a positive side, it break the junkie in me, i was not good, i was a bad, i was the worse person to me, and all around me!!! i am become a shadow of myself, i stop being me, its so strange, the heart is the right place, but the head, i was losing it!!! so this chapter of my life is closing down...that moment i understood so clear the people who kill themselfs over love, i understood their reasons, i saw trucks passing by me i was in the highway..would be so easy to step forward...the pain and desperation...i cannot put in words that hour of my life, if there is an hell....i have benn there...i know how it feels....i understand the people who take that step in front of upcoming truck....but i would never do that... until that moment i never understood why people jump in front of buses, trucks...trains...after being left...now i do understand...very well....

i had time to think, i had a long drive back home...i was thinking, in the last months, specially the last 3, the only thing i talk with my friends and family was problems, about stress, about negative things!!!! today my life is not perfect, not good....so so so far from this..but i can see i will survive...i can handle life...i am not a junkie...its so strange...i am better now...i am a better person....i am cure from this addicition...


let not getting things wrong, i am not good, there is not switch to turn off all you fell, you dont love one day and the next you dont love...but i am right track to recover, i am dont know if i will ever see or speak with the person who still now means a lot to me, i made her promise, if she wants to talk to me she knows here to find me, i dont know if this will happen, but i have to life with that, i have to move on, sometimes is better to close down, that be in a limbo where you dont know what will happen!!

I still miss her, i still think about her, my heart is not at peace, you cannot stop loving in a second, you are going to need time, i will need time, i will need to be strong, i dont know if i will love again, not like i love now, Anna has left a huge mark in me, it still tough, very tough, but i know now i can survive, that in a strange way its better to know, to leave this coma...

i read the old posts, they are writting with love but also so much desperation, some are almost a cry for help, some are true love, i dont regret what i write, i could delete them, edit them, to look i am fine, to pretend that i what i wrote before was not so like that...no...i will leave them as they were, as a way to show myself, i loved, i love maybe too much, i love in a not good way, the words are there, some actions also, others no...i say i would be patient, i was and i was not...i was patient, for some one who is a junkie....now i am on the road to be ok, if you read all the posts, i can say if i start a life with another person, with a kid or not, all the things i say here i will do them, i learn the value of everything i say in here, by losing her, now i know, now i can look in the eyes of the person who one day will fill my life with love and i can say, that i understand so well what she went when she was living in here, the doubts, the calls at night, asking if i really love her...i know now what she suffer, but that the past is past, i cannot change the past, would change it in heart bit if i could....but i can promise only my future, that will be the road to happniess, and i say this with a clear mind !!!

Now I am on the road to recover, and the biggest part is done, I was afraid that is this happen I would go down, I would have a mental breakdown, but instead no, instead I am still here, in fact I can start be able enjoy the little things, and I promise myself I am not now going to “Casanova” or an asshole who would chase girls just to use them, I am not like that!! some people will not believe that, if they see me talk to a girl they may think, ahhh....there he goes, no, in fact its the oposite, i will help the others, i am helping a person i woulnt help before, just that to learn my sport, there is no other think in there, i made this clear to the other person, i can help you with the sport, if you are looking for a affair, for a boyfriend, look in another place, i am honest!!!

How will be the future??? i dont know, i never even dream about the roller coster of the last 5 years!!!! it was beyond my imaginations, so what will happen now?? i dont know!!! but i know i am a better person in all the ways, i have become a mature, strong, open man and i own all of that to a very special person!!! even now, even this day, i dont regret nothing, i would do all over again!!!!! Anna was the best thing in my life!!!