to Anna child...

Yesterday, as i was leaving my gym, i saw this child, for a second i was thinking it Anna child, i stop, i look again, it was a different child, i was amazed how much this affected, made me think, will Anna child still remembers me? what this child thinks of me???

For me, this child is like my child, i will be alwyas available to help, to assist to talk, to be a friend, for anything, at any place, any time for the rest of my life, for me its like that child is like my own child!!!

I try with my stupid ideas to raise this child like it was my own, i didnt try to "buy" this child with gifts, by doing nothing, by being always the "nice", with left Anna do all the parenting, no, i try to be involved, i try to support, i try to all the things a real father would do, with what i was thinking to be right at the time, i dont say i was right, some of my decsions where wrong, i was not right, but i did because i care, because this child was like mine, that we were a family, not 2 + 1, no we were a team, Anna maybe thinks i was like this because i didnt like her child, its the totaly opposite, if i didnt care, i would let this child do anything, never say no, buy gifts, be a sort of safe escape from Anna rules, but this is not right, i love Anna, i love this child, they were my family, my life, my love, so i try to be a "father", maybe i was wrong, maybe i had a lot of stupid rules, maybe i didnt had the right ideas, i know a lot more now, i know the mistakes i did, but this should never be confused with no caring, not loving, i would die for Anna child, i found a little pack that Anna left in house with baby clothes, a spare that we had in my place, before we move together, i was recently at my home, i dont live there any more, i was trying to put my things in order, and i found this bag, i didnt remember, i open it...and when i saw the baby clothes, i cry, i cry like a baby, it was such an intense emotion, i was not prepared...life is no fair to you some times...

when you are part of some one life, when you see this child grow, i dont know what people think, but i share a few years with this child, i change dippers, i watch this child fall a sleep in my arms, i  check if Anna child was cold before i go to bed, always put a blanket on this child before i go to bed, , i with this played with child for hours, i saw this child cry, laugh, start making nice comments, talk, learn my language, share a start of a life...and them for this child i simply disapear...i abandon them....i move out of their lifes...

this is the child view, you have someone in your life and all the sudden this person is gone, if you are a grown up, you can explain, you can understand, for child, this guy, left me and my mummy!!! i didnt leave...i ask since i am here, when Anna was still talking to me, to see this child, every time Anna was saying...i cannot find a babysitter, i volunteer....i ask to see this child..no..this child start playing a sport, i was told not to go, i respect Anna wishes,but for this child is like i simply dont care, i dont like them any more...disapear from their life...and this hurts..i lose not one, but two of the people i car more in this world....

i am sure i am not the first man to have feelings for single mothers, but no one seens to care about what you feel when you are asked to leave....how do you related to the child....how this makes you feel and the child also....if i was the father, even a bad, lauzy father, i would have rights, but like this, i am no one...i am nobody, i cannot see this child, a child you feel like your own....do Anna, and all this other mothers think we dont care??? that we dont get attached?? it breaks my heart every time i see a child that is for a similar age, and its a remainder how much i lost in life, its like hits you every time, every day...

I know this child know i live close, in the same city, and i may never come to see this child again, i dont know what Anna told her child, for me this is one of the other super bad things of losing Anna, i am not just losing Anna, i am losing Anna and her child...i lose both....

but for a child life is simple, this man, simply is no here, he doesnt come to play with me, he most not like us any more....and this for me is the worse thing, i dont know what Anna told her child, i hope she explain that we are not together and i still care a lot for them, but i dont know...maybe one day i can say to this child, you are like my child, you may have a mother, a father, but you have in me a "father" a friend, some one who will be there for you any time and any where...

i have to tell one day this child that if i was push and strict was because i care, because i was thinking i was doing the right thing, i know now i was wrong, i didnt had all the answers, i was not right, but love this this chid like it was my own child, maybe i didnt show it, maybe i didnt let other people see what i felt, life teaches you a lot of lessons, and some you learn in the most hard way, its like life breaks your legs so you can learn to walk again!!!!! i learn so much and changed the way i am, i am better person now, i will be a better father, i just wish i didnt had to lose so much to learn this....

i still care so much for this child, i know that this child wanted a dog, and because of many reason cannot have one, i gave her a "virtual" dog, i sponsor a dog in a aminal shelther in the name of my love child, this dog is feed and care under this donations, i am sponsor this dog for the last year and half, i dont even know if this child knows...but i will not stop, as long i am alive the aminal shelter will have a dog sponsor under the name of my love child...

if i had a another chance i would have done so many different things, i would not get less attached, i wouldnt be cold, no, i would treasure each moment, i would savour every smile, every run in the park, every little discover, every time we would go shopping, i would treasure this so much....

i wouldnt be so strict, i learn a lot about educations, about being good, about raise a child is not a army drill, its about love, its about respecting the mother wishes, every day is not a fight, its not a "boarding" school drill, every day is about building a family, a place of love, a place where every one wants to return, its about creating the most beautiful place on earth, your home!!!!

i am getting better every day, every day i feel bettter with myself, i am on the journey to find inner peace, but miss "my child"....i will miss see this child growing up, share all the joys, the laughs, the smiles, i will not be there to support on the tough days, to be a confident of things this child could not tell her mother and father..no be able to teach my sports, tell this child stories about my traveling, about my adventures...maybe one day later...when this child is grown up...i hope this person will not forgot me, and one day i can tell how much i miss being there....

walking...

this is what i did for the last 10 days, i walk, i walk and walk, 50 kms more or less a day, i did think it was not that hard, but i was wrong, its very hard, you think, hey, i can walk at 5 km per hour,  and i can walk 10 hour...this is very nice in the first day, and in the first hours, them the backpack that you carry, start to feel more and more heavy, your feet start to feel heavy, you get slow, and the hours start to stretch, your feet start to hurt, and you start asking yourself, why??? why i am doing this walk???

this is a big questions, why did i walk the 500 km? i made this promise, i ask for some thing that didnt happen, but it doesnt matter what happen, doesnt matter that what i ask never happen, i decide i will walk!! yes there was many moments i consider giving up, there were moments i felt totaly lost, that i was crazy, that i should simply quit and go home..

but i didnt quit, i keep walking, even when my feet were hurting so much i was thinking that they were on fire, i would stop, take my boots out, my shocks, let my feet get cold, pretend everything is fine, its just a few km more, hide pain, try to forget the pain and move on....

i did the camino de santiago, many people speak about find god, about find enlightenment, about reaching peace with themselves, i hear of of this before i left, did i found any of those things??? no, if those things exist out there i didnt found them, i found goodness, i help others, others help me, i found different things, i found out how much pain i could suffer and still move on, i found out that even when you think i am lost, there is no way i will find a place to sleep tonight, you keep on moving until you find that place, i found out that if you have the right mind, the right attitude you can survive all the bad things life trows at you, is this God? my will power? i dont know but the big lesson,is doesnt matter how bad things look, i will find in me a way to move forward, i am still today not sure about everything i learn from this days, maybe it will take years, maybe i will never learn the lessons..i had reason i had to do this, i did, and i am happy that i did!!! i am some how better today them when i start walking....maybe not better, different....

you see, like in everything in life i saw the best and worse of people, i walk alone, for 10 days i keep walking alone, some days you meet other people, some days you dont see any one...i get rain, sun, dust, mud, and i keep on going....

did this help me?? strangely yes, for this days, my mind was empty and clear, i didnt think about my work, about my life, about Anna, no, i just focus on conquering the pain and move and them stop and rest and sleep!!! its a very basic life, walk, eat, rest and sleep, you clean your mind, its like you are purging your soul with pain and exercise!!  yes i could have walk less, or take more days, its like life, but this was what i had, this is what i how i had to do...and i did it!

and now??? is my life better? changed?? no, its still the same, i have still the same job, i still lost the person i care more in this world, but i learn that doesnt matter the pain, doesnt matter the desperation in my mind, if i found a strength and will to move, you will reach your destiny!!!

i ask myself many times will i return??? i dont have an answer, part of me wants to go back, another part says no, i dont know, i know that this help to keep my mind clear of everything else for 10 days, and this is precious, i hope i can have now a more clear mind for my future...

i also dont need to lie here, i carry two little shells, that i hold in my chest, i wear them every day, i still use them now, everytime i was ready to quit, i looked at them, and i remember why i was doing this, and carry on, this shells are my more precious good, i will treasure them, they have a two owners, which maybe one day i can give the shells, and i also carry a t-shirt with a code, i finish my walking with this t-shirt A-99! its a message of hope? a farewell? a last goodbye?? i dont know, i know that this journey show me that life is not easy, that you will suffer, that there will be pain, but you have the choice to carry on, of not quiting, of trying to find in you that last spark of energy to move, that mind set that keeps telling you...keep walking...dont stop...move...there is a nice place waiting for you...

so if you are in moment of your life where everything looks desperate, remember, there is always two choices, to give up or fight back, give up may look more easy, more tempting, you will suffer no more, but you will never reach what you want, what you deserve, what is right, so keep on walking, keep moving forward in your path, your feet my have blisters, you many have your own blood in your socks, and you keep moving, even if every step is pain, that you leave your bed in pain and know that you have to walk 50 kms that day, yes quitting is easy, but you dont reach the end of your journey by quitting, so do like me, my friend, we can conquer life, we can reach our destination, doesnt matter what this destination is, we just need to keep on walking!!!! 

simplify your life?

We all say we want happiness, love, joy… and yet we spent most of the time complain that life is not fair, complicate, not easy, that we cannot find true love, care, a person who truly love and understand us…

Life is not supposed to be simple, its suppose to challenge you, to be discovered, to be shared, to be lived, our journey can be happy or sad, we can smile, laugh or cry, the difference is how we deal with pain, with adversity, with not finding what we want, with lost, with others, we all suffer, we all get push down, we all bad moments, I only found how strong I really went i hit rock bottom, when being strong was the only choice left, when being strong was the only thing to do, them you see what you are made up!

when tough things happen to some people, they never look up to the sun again, fail to see love, stop believing in love, fail to let love enter their hearts, they think too much, create many rules, other conquer their wounds, the pain, and rise again, and starting walking towards happiness, towards a new start, it’s a choice we make, it's our decision, don’t be afraid of risks, of pain, of trying, of discovering, of see a new chapter, of giving changes, be instead afraid of not trying, of closing down, of stop living and just wait, so please live, love, give life a chance, give happiness a chance, life will smile back to you!!!

The path to all you want, a family, love, happiness,  is not reached by making more money, by trying to get a higher status, it's not material, it's just a person, someone who will be there for you, with only love, pure love to give you, and sometimes this person is there, just in front of you, and yet you fail to see it, and one day when you realise this, and you may will spend the rest of your life asking, why I let the best thing of my life go????

we live in a time where we are "told" that we are only happy if you have this or that, that there so much people out there for you, that relationships are easy, that love is "easy", that you can find a person really fast, those are the biggest lie ever!!! love is not easy, or plenty, its rare, its precious, its hard to find, its should be treated with your life, its the most important thing in your life, no the car, not the bank account, dont be confused, see the true important things!!

life may take you down, life is not simple, life is unfair, but please don’t be afraid, don’t be blind, open your eyes, your heart and be brave, take a chance before life takes away this chance, maybe for some people this change is already too late…

today i am in a foregin city, i took a plane, a bus, another bus, and i am in a place that is very special for me, its a city in spain, its a place full of memories, a place where i find myself connected, sometimes in life we try do to many things, its never the right moment, not the right time, this time i made a choise...

Drake said, "The biggest mistake one can make is walk away from the person who actually stood there for you and waited for you", how many persons can you say that always really stood for you?

and yet every day we do this, we sometimes dont even realise what we lost, only much later in life we see the mistake....so dont do this mistake, if you have doubts, fight for your love, fight for the person who is sharing your life...dont do it like me, dont lose the most important thing in your life...

now i have to walk away from the person i love, the person which after all this, after all the pain, all the suffering, i still love, and yet i am walking from this person, i am walking away from what i want, from what i wish, maybe after this walk i can see more clear, have more peace in my heart, i am recovering, i hope that i in a path to new life....

In fact in the end we all have to choose, our life is a total of all the decsions we take...I took my decision, I made my choice!!! Now I have a direction, a clear path, my mind is clear…

Tomorrow I start walking!!! i have more them 500km in front of me, Santiago de Compostela waits for me...