I did think a lot before i wrote this post, should i carry on? should i stop? do i wake up every morning? yes do i still breath? yes...life goes on...i must not let this fate defect me, and i life is a fight...so lets keep fighting!
I still feel lost, i live without a course, i am like a boat in the ocean, without a rudder, without a port to go to, without a compass, i live day by day, navigate by what i see, trying to find a new port, a path, a rudder, a star to guide, to find joy and happiness.
i am disapointed, i am sad, the sadest thing for me, is some one to who i was always good, a friend, a lover, a help, now pretends she doesnt know me, this is a person to whom i talk about everything, that i love, who as the best part of me, that have a key from my house, now avoids me....
i always carried hope in my heart, more or less, there was always hope, there was a little hope that one day we would be together again...not any more, i lost all hope, and this hurts, it feels like i am blind, that i lost my eyes, that my best part is gone, that the women i love, is now pushing me away, avoids me, almost like she "hates" me, what to do?just carry on, keep living, find a way to life, find a way to move on...
how many of us had been here before? how many ask the same question? how many lost love ones? milions...this is the moment where we show our true colours, its no money, job, fame that show our true colours, its in moments like this, where we lose everything, that we show how we are as persons, we see the sun still raising, we see the sky getting blue, we still eat, wake up, we see life doesnt stop, we must dig deep, we suffer, we have pain, but we must move on, its like we are walking in a desert, we have only to choices; keep on walking or stop and wait...if we stop and wait we die, we die every day, we stop living, we are just here, waiting for death, we are no longer a true person, we will become just shadows of yourself, or we can keep on walking, we dont know if we make or not, but we move, we start walking, we have no water, its hot, your feet hurt, you are tired, but you keep walking and you pray, hope on day you will find a place..same in life, by keep on walking we help others, we see new things, we give ourselfs a new chance, a new hope...so i will keep on walking!!
its not easy, its not simple, but its the only choice, keep moving, keep walking!!! i have to try to live without Anna, to put her away from my mind, can i do this??? i dont know, i have no answer, i miss her like mad, but will try, if you read my blog, you may say, i am not true to all the things i say here...i am being true to me, do i have feelings for Anna? yes!! i love her, i shoudlnt, but i still do, i have a having a tough time, i have a big hole in heart, but i am trying to hide from all of this, to forget how i feel, try to move on, i cannot have feelings for same one who pretends that it doesnt even know me..
i spend almost this last month, reading all this books about how to deal with break ups, i read a lot of them, written by guys, girls, they all say the same, be happy, do things you enjoy, forget, have fun...like you have switch in your heart, i dont, it will take time, you can read them, what they say may make sense, if you are not so deep in love with someone, if you dont feel that you are turning your back to the best thing of your life, to the love of your life, what i feel is pain, miseray, fun??? how can i have fun??? i can try to laugh, to see the good side of life, but fun?? i need time, i need my time, i dont have a magic power to be happy, i need to feel happy, i am walking this path, i am suffering, but i am still here!!!
what do i do? i exercise like mad, morning and evening, i push hard, so hard when i reach my bed time i am to tired to think about anything, to remember, i just close my eyes and count, this way i block everything else, i need to sleep, sleep is very important, so i count, 1,2, 3 and so until i fell a sleep, and it works, it blocks any other idea, if any other thing comes to my mind i blocket and kee counting, how much do i need to count, depends, the lowest mumber is around 150, the highest one is more them 7500!! but i sleep!!! and it the passing of the days its getting better...
i put all the things that remaind of Anna in a box, i put in a storege space, i shave my head, i use different clothes, i dress less formal now, i do new route to work, i stop going to places where we had been together, its about creating a "new" routine, a fresh routine, its about giving yourself a chance..
dont think its easy, its not, i dont know i long is going to take for me to be able to see and dont be affected, i dont know if this will happen, but i need to try...i may look ok on the outside, i may even look happpy, but there is a big void in my life, there is a feeling of emptiness...of lost...i hope time will help me...
a few weeks ago i was in the gym, like i do every sunday, my usual time, i do this since i am here, for almost 7 months, i never saw Anna, and that day she bumps into me, and i said hi, i say how is your day? she didnt even look at me, she avoid me, this is the sadest thing ever, why? if it was me doing this i could understand, its about survival? but her??she told she have no feelings at all for me!!! so why treating me like she doesnt know me??? it was very sad, i was not prepared for that, i was thinking we had a good conversation, that we could be in a "friendly" terms, it seens i was wrong...if we one day we would see each other i could treat her as friend....it was not good, i was messed up, i went home and i run and run, i run until i had cramps, until i couldnt move any more...
this was a few weeks ago, now i prepare my self, every day...to see her, to deal with her rejection, to be strong, its not easy, its not even fair, but i need to be able to survive, to carry on, its a new chapther in my life, a sad chapther...i wrote in my office wall, its looking at me every day, that i will not let life bring me now, i wwrote...I promise: that i will fight back, that i will find my star, my path, that i will bleed, be hurt, but i will rise, i will stand up, i will never give up an i will never quit!!
and i sign it!! when i get bad, weak, i look and read it!!!
what now? i may have no rudder, but i am not lost, i am guiding myself, its not easy, but i am moving, i have no port, but i am looking for a new destiny, i lost my star to guide me,but i am looking at the sky to find a new course, to a new path...
i will rebuid myself, i will fiind a star, a path, way to be happy, to find joy, to life every day, to be a person that finds a reason to wake every day!!
if you are my"sister" or "brother" in this ocean, we maybe in a storn, we maybe are afraid, we maybe feel the storm with conquer us, that we will never see a harbour, that we will not see good days again, that we lost our guiding star, look at yourself, look deep, and realise that we are not lost, we will find a harbour, we will find port, a place where there is a new hope, a new chance, we can see almost the shore, the wind is losing its power, the waves are small, so do like me, fight back, look at the storm, and shout, i will never be broken!!! i will survive!!!! i never quit!!! will not be broken!!! i will reach my port!!!
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