Yesterday, as i was leaving my gym, i saw this child, for a second i was thinking it Anna child, i stop, i look again, it was a different child, i was amazed how much this affected, made me think, will Anna child still remembers me? what this child thinks of me???
For me, this child is like my child, i will be alwyas available to help, to assist to talk, to be a friend, for anything, at any place, any time for the rest of my life, for me its like that child is like my own child!!!
I try with my stupid ideas to raise this child like it was my own, i didnt try to "buy" this child with gifts, by doing nothing, by being always the "nice", with left Anna do all the parenting, no, i try to be involved, i try to support, i try to all the things a real father would do, with what i was thinking to be right at the time, i dont say i was right, some of my decsions where wrong, i was not right, but i did because i care, because this child was like mine, that we were a family, not 2 + 1, no we were a team, Anna maybe thinks i was like this because i didnt like her child, its the totaly opposite, if i didnt care, i would let this child do anything, never say no, buy gifts, be a sort of safe escape from Anna rules, but this is not right, i love Anna, i love this child, they were my family, my life, my love, so i try to be a "father", maybe i was wrong, maybe i had a lot of stupid rules, maybe i didnt had the right ideas, i know a lot more now, i know the mistakes i did, but this should never be confused with no caring, not loving, i would die for Anna child, i found a little pack that Anna left in house with baby clothes, a spare that we had in my place, before we move together, i was recently at my home, i dont live there any more, i was trying to put my things in order, and i found this bag, i didnt remember, i open it...and when i saw the baby clothes, i cry, i cry like a baby, it was such an intense emotion, i was not prepared...life is no fair to you some times...
when you are part of some one life, when you see this child grow, i dont know what people think, but i share a few years with this child, i change dippers, i watch this child fall a sleep in my arms, i check if Anna child was cold before i go to bed, always put a blanket on this child before i go to bed, , i with this played with child for hours, i saw this child cry, laugh, start making nice comments, talk, learn my language, share a start of a life...and them for this child i simply disapear...i abandon them....i move out of their lifes...
this is the child view, you have someone in your life and all the sudden this person is gone, if you are a grown up, you can explain, you can understand, for child, this guy, left me and my mummy!!! i didnt leave...i ask since i am here, when Anna was still talking to me, to see this child, every time Anna was saying...i cannot find a babysitter, i volunteer....i ask to see this child..no..this child start playing a sport, i was told not to go, i respect Anna wishes,but for this child is like i simply dont care, i dont like them any more...disapear from their life...and this hurts..i lose not one, but two of the people i car more in this world....
i am sure i am not the first man to have feelings for single mothers, but no one seens to care about what you feel when you are asked to leave....how do you related to the child....how this makes you feel and the child also....if i was the father, even a bad, lauzy father, i would have rights, but like this, i am no one...i am nobody, i cannot see this child, a child you feel like your own....do Anna, and all this other mothers think we dont care??? that we dont get attached?? it breaks my heart every time i see a child that is for a similar age, and its a remainder how much i lost in life, its like hits you every time, every day...
I know this child know i live close, in the same city, and i may never come to see this child again, i dont know what Anna told her child, for me this is one of the other super bad things of losing Anna, i am not just losing Anna, i am losing Anna and her child...i lose both....
but for a child life is simple, this man, simply is no here, he doesnt come to play with me, he most not like us any more....and this for me is the worse thing, i dont know what Anna told her child, i hope she explain that we are not together and i still care a lot for them, but i dont know...maybe one day i can say to this child, you are like my child, you may have a mother, a father, but you have in me a "father" a friend, some one who will be there for you any time and any where...
i have to tell one day this child that if i was push and strict was because i care, because i was thinking i was doing the right thing, i know now i was wrong, i didnt had all the answers, i was not right, but love this this chid like it was my own child, maybe i didnt show it, maybe i didnt let other people see what i felt, life teaches you a lot of lessons, and some you learn in the most hard way, its like life breaks your legs so you can learn to walk again!!!!! i learn so much and changed the way i am, i am better person now, i will be a better father, i just wish i didnt had to lose so much to learn this....
i still care so much for this child, i know that this child wanted a dog, and because of many reason cannot have one, i gave her a "virtual" dog, i sponsor a dog in a aminal shelther in the name of my love child, this dog is feed and care under this donations, i am sponsor this dog for the last year and half, i dont even know if this child knows...but i will not stop, as long i am alive the aminal shelter will have a dog sponsor under the name of my love child...
if i had a another chance i would have done so many different things, i would not get less attached, i wouldnt be cold, no, i would treasure each moment, i would savour every smile, every run in the park, every little discover, every time we would go shopping, i would treasure this so much....
i wouldnt be so strict, i learn a lot about educations, about being good, about raise a child is not a army drill, its about love, its about respecting the mother wishes, every day is not a fight, its not a "boarding" school drill, every day is about building a family, a place of love, a place where every one wants to return, its about creating the most beautiful place on earth, your home!!!!
i am getting better every day, every day i feel bettter with myself, i am on the journey to find inner peace, but miss "my child"....i will miss see this child growing up, share all the joys, the laughs, the smiles, i will not be there to support on the tough days, to be a confident of things this child could not tell her mother and father..no be able to teach my sports, tell this child stories about my traveling, about my adventures...maybe one day later...when this child is grown up...i hope this person will not forgot me, and one day i can tell how much i miss being there....
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