Cinema Paradiso

Cinema Paradiso is one of my favorite films,it was one of the first things i put a "like" when i create my fb page, i am there, the real me, with all the other people who like this film, one of the things i remember is a moment were Alfredo is telling Toto about this story about this warrior  who promise to stay under the princess window for 100 nights, how he resist, the cold, the heat,the rain,the snow...and after 99 nights he left....i never understood, i keep asking myself....come on....just one more night...you would fulfill your promise....

today i understand....he understood, he saw time pass by, he saw the time move and he realize that he could stay there for ever and nothing would happen....and this set him free, he was free from his promise....he was not more happy, he was not glad, he realise that in the end, didnt matter how much we waitied, the result would always be same...he would be alone, he would never have her love...so he left...i can understand now...

i can understand because every day until now, i somehow was that warrior, i keep until under the "window", even if the window was close, even if that house was no longer Anna house, even when there was no longer a window, even if this was not even a conscience thing, with time you lose hope, this is not a conscience process, its just time working....and as you wait you think, you think a lot...and realise,that my 99 day is here, it doesnt change anything wait for one more day...or more 100 days...or  more 1000 days more....or forever...you realise...its over..you realise...life is unfair...that you lost....but you are free.....

is this better???? i dont know how to answer...you move to a different universe...you move to another planet...your heart is not happy, its not a happy place, its a place where love is gone...here you have now a empty spot...

i am free???? will how be so free that i can see Anna with her new child and person and dont feel nothing????? no...i am not even close....

but like i say in my last post...i keep walking....i keep moving away....and its not because you choose to do so....its because there is no other option....its because its the only thing that you have left to do....

if you had this love, you lost it....if you fight, if you keep your walking....you will walk to find peace of mind...you will be able to have a normal day....a normal life....i am that prove....i can tell you today, that is possible....i cannot tell you that this is a happy process, that its fast, or easy,or that the end result doesnt leave with you with deep scars...but you will reach a stage where you can have peace...

i am at peace....for the first time...since 2003...i am able to find some true peace in my mind....i am in state that i can have a relax mind...this is in a situation like now....i dont see Anna....she doesnt make a part of my life....like this i am at peace....yes...i still think about her...yes....i would haved prefer a different result...but a relantionship has two parts...i was just one....

so i am moving...i am moving to find happiness in the company of other people...i can go out and have a dinner with a girl and dont have this stupid feeling that i am cheating on Anna, i am not comparing this person with Anna all the time...no....now its just me and the other person...there is no one else at the table....have i cross the ocean??? have i reach the breaking point???

i have no answer for that...now i understand the warrior who left at 99 night...life moves....to a new future...to a new process...my 99 night moment will be here very soon...or is already here....