its been a while since i wrote a post, until now i would write when i feel the need, this is a bit like a bit "therapy" for me, but after the last things that happen, the events of the last post, its been a empty inside...i had not the drive to write, i need to face some of my demons....i will maybe keep on writing, all of this posts are a part of my life, a part that maybe one day i can read, that maybe one day some one can read them and better understand me, why i am the person that i am today, what made me change, what are the reasons for the change, one person who knows me, and didnt saw me in a few years, we knew each other for more them 20 years, we did a few championships when we were younger, he ask me, hey, what happen to you?? this was not a critic, it was just a surprise, was the fact i am a different person....this is story of all this post, my journey...my path....
i am on my path, i am keep my walking toward oblivion's, keep waking to a mental state where there is nothing, people will say its a good thing, i cannot say how many times i hear....i was happy when i didnt think about her...i am tired to listen to....i am free from that love...why people say that? i am not happier to stop loving some one i trully care, some one that was the best thing in my lie...not happy at all...
yes..this makes your life more "easy", you can life with a more free "feeling"...you can do anything you want without have to think about another person, yes you can do anything you want....but is this better? i dont think its better...in fact i think its rather worse, its a life without a bigger purpose, without a goal, without some one to share things, moments, joy....
i cannot say i know what is better for others...i think this is one of the biggest mistakes most people do...on all areas of life is thinking they can know what is better for others....how many times you were told...its better for you...you are much better this way...how do you know???? how other can guess what is better for you?
i start my path away from Anna almost a year ago...for a long time i keep looking back, i would stop my walk, i keep hopping for a miracle...now i know, there will be no miracle...there will be no happy end, there is no going back, now i just have this empty road in front of me, so now i keep with my walking, i dont look back any more, and every day i am bit more free, every day i am more distant from Anna...not better, not happier...more "easier"....maybe more empty...
love fill your soul, it makes you feel like you have a capacity to do anything, that you are the most happy person in the world when you see the person you love smile at you...just that a smile, a look, a touch, it feels your heart with joy...when you lose your love, you are back in a day to day grey life...were things are just normal...nothing is special...nothing is amazing...just normal...some people find this reasuring, better, more "safe".....i am not that person....i would rather prefer to love....
its strange that you are walking away of some one who made me a much better person, who teach some much about life, about relationships, who change me in ways i cannot even understand, in fact Anna will never see the change in me...she will never see how much i change, maybe one day i can tell her all of this...maybe one day she can understand how much i love her....but i am not waiting for that day, i am not looking for that path, i try, more them two years, and it lead to no where...i did my best...and failed...so now i keep walking away...
sometimes, people who live situations like mine, get cynical, bitter, they stop loving, they start using people, they play with emotions...the reason is, hey i was hurt, so its fair game, i dont care, its like they have the right to hurt others, as long you get what you want, everything is fine... others get depressed, or starting hating the person they use to love...they stop living, they start hating every one....no...that is not the way, learn to live with your lost, learn to be brave...
i keep taking a day by day, i keep let time work, i keep saying all the best about Anna, this weekend, while i was out with some friends, we were talking about people in our past, and say Anna was the best thing in my life, how she use to smile, how she use to call me sweetheart...and they all were staring at me...i stop...they ask me...why you keep saying good things about her??? she left you!!! yes, she decide to break with me, but that doesnt change the time or things that happen between us, i only have good things to say about her...i will never allow no one to say anything bad about Anna, i had a few fights in my own family when people try to say anything not good about her....we broke up not because she was not a good person, we broke up because we both made mistakes...she is today an amazing person and yet i am still walking away, one thing doesnt change the other...
Every day i keep walking away, i have still have a huge road to go, i still not over Anna, yes everyday i have less love in my heart, there will be a day, a time, which i may lose my love for Anna, maybe a different love, maybe even not think about her...but that day is not today...or tomorrow, or next year...i still have a long long road in front of me...and i am not looking for that day, that day that i am "free", that day is not my goal...my goal is to keep walking, to move my mind, to keep my smile, my laughter, my happiness with me, that is my goal...my goal is to live every day, is try to bring joy in every moment of my existence....
i am at a point i can feel joy in my heart, i can smile while i am at home watching a film, yes, there area and will be days when i wake up, i still look to the side, i still remember happier days...there are moments feel lost, that i wish i had a different path in life....but my path in life is was not that one....
i keep my promises, i light a candle every day for Anna, i pray for her, my deal with God over her unborn child still stands, God must be tired of listen to me, always asking the same, i dont ask anything for me, i just ask for my two special persons...why? why i do this if i keep walking?? i dont know, there are many things i cannot say why, i just do what i feel its right for me, what is honest for me....
while i walk my path, i am not bitter, i am not angry, i am not lost, i am like a person who is on a journey, there is good days, there is beauty, there is sadness, there is pain, there is moments where you think, why????there is hope, there is joy, its a journey...
maybe i am reaching a state where i am more peace with the fact i am not the person in Anna life i consider, expect and wanted, she have some one else, she living a different life, maybe i was not as important in Anna life has i think, maybe in the bigger picture of her life, i am just a small footnote, not the important chapter that i was thinking i was, maybe i am learning to deal better with this...
if some one read my blog from the first page will see a journey of two years, in fact they will maybe see a journey of more them that, of almost 10 years, of pain, of hope, and even now, even with all of this, there is not bitterness in my heart.....
i walk, and like walking is a slow process, it takes time, when you walk a lot, you do it slow, and this is like my life is...a slow walk, its not a nice walk in the end of a summer day, no, its a walk in the rain, its a walk in the cold, in the dark, were your legs hurt, you dont see the end, its process that you must believe in the future, even when you have no reason to believe in the future, its like a walk that requires you to have faith and determination, to face all your demons and fears, and never stop, never walk back, never look back, this is not a easy walk, its a long walk, but is a walk i do, that i will not stop, that i am strong to do...and i need to keep telling myself, this is a process that will be long...will take lots of time....where i am walking to???? what is my destination??? is forgetting? peace of mind? a new love? i dont know, i trully dont know, i am afraid to ask even today some questions to myself even today....what do i feel??? trully feel???....
its like am back in the santiago trail...you start a day and walk, you dont know where to stop, while i walk this path, i didnt had a agenda, or place to stop, i stop when i couldnt walk more.....or when i found a place i felt that i like, that it felt i need to stop there...but i know, i will reach my destination, so this is my path now...to keep on walking...to move away....i dont know what will be my future, but will always embrace my past!!!!
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