when you love some one, even when its a desperate love, when its a lost cause, you have a meaning, a reason a purpose, you have an objective, you want to show you best side, you are ready to do all for this person, there is nothing which will stop you, nothing....from the moment you open your eyes in the morning, to the time you fall a sleep, you have a focus, a drive, your love, this is what love does to you, you are special, you can do anything...
now, i lost this, i dont love, i dont have any person special, this has been a tough year, i saw my grandfather pass away, some one to whom i was very very close, i saw Anna having a child of some one else, them, like magic, i meet some one, it was like light enter a dark closed room, for a moment i it look like life was smiling at me, in fact it must have been smiling to some one behind me, and for a moment, i had hope, i had the joy the one you feel when you starting falling for some....but it was not real, it was just a illusion...the reality, the truth is that i lost love, there is no new love, there is just a empty feeling...my heart is empty...
and in this cases you focus on work, on something....i cannot focus on work, i dont believe in what i do, i keep pushing this papers, i continue to drive legislation, but i dont believe in what i am doing, its getting to me...i am in this corridor...every one is in holidays....i am alone in there...its how i feel a bit right now...alone...i was always told , if you are correct, if you are nice, if you treat other well, if you show that you are good person, if you love, you love from your heart, if you have true love, you will be happy, life will smile back to you....but did live smile back to me???? i dont think so....
i meet a person...for a instant i was thinking for a moment, for an instant, i was thinking, i am special...but i am special for this other person? or i am just another guy in a huge list? i dont know, but i know one thing, we were both honest, there was no games, no "cheating", i treasure that, honesty, none of this games people play...i am not in here for one night stands, i am not looking to have a friend with "benefits", i want to share a life with some one, for real, totally!
i try to prove to this new person, to this girl, we are not all the same, how many times you listen to girls saying...all guys are assholes...man say all women are crazy.....i dont believe in this, each person is case, we are all different, i am different, i am not the asshole that must guys are today, i am, like other people out there trully nice, yes, there is still good men and women out there...we still exist...but i think people dont even believe we can be nice, that we can be honest, and must people today they give up at the first difficulty they find...she is going to bed with me? next....she doesnt want me?must people simply decide to give up, that is wrong...do you care? do you have feelings? then fight...be there..take as much time as you need...dont give...and on the other side...girls must stop believing that every one was a agenda, stop thinking if this guy is helping me, woowww...he must have an agenda, its just another guy who wants a quick jump on the bed....dont jugde a person for what he/she say, or promise, judge a person for their actions!!! judge for what a person does for you....talk is easy....
and to make things even more hard....i had to face same demons now...i saw Anna and her child, they didnt saw me, her child is so big, so grown up....and i didnt know what to do..should i stop my car and talk to them??? i didnt do nothing, i keep on driving....
for this and another reason..last friday i had one of the must empty days in my life...i am not hurt, i am not lost, i am not in pain, i am still not in peace, this is not the right word, the right word is maybe empty, according to some zen people this is a good thing, i dont think so...i feel that i am just empty, i have no focus, i have not a real purpose, i am walking in life without a purpose, yes, i am much better them last year, i lead a normal life, i sleep, i eat, i am in really good shape, but this process of rebuild left me with a scars, this scar is now almost healed, but this scar have also remove the pain from me, but also sometimes think that remove my capacity for feel....
there is any message in here???? the only message in here, is even if your life doesnt make any sense, even if there is not purpose, no drive, nothing....you have to keep moving, you cannot stop...you cannot start feeling pitty for your self, this is to easy, this is for quitters, this for people who didnt trully love, did you trully love??? if you did, you must keep walking, you must keep moving, you may dont see anything, maybe you just see a road....empty...your road is a empty desert, the only thing you can see is desert and more desert, you can decide, this desert will never end , and quit...stop "die" inside and by doing this you quit on life, or you walk...you keep walking, you dont know why you are walking, you dont know why life is hitting you, but you must keep walking, you must be like a fighter, that is punched, that is bruised, you cannot longer see the opponent, that is covered in blood, and still raise, that refuse to stay down, the decide, if i am going to be beaten..it will be on my own two feet, i will be standing...cover in blood, hurting, but you refuse to go down, you rise, you keep rising...you dont know what is to quit, you never quits...this is me today....this is what we all should do...i am walking, why??? for what purpose??? for whom??? i have no idea, i only know i must keep walking, you have to find joy in life in every day, even if you have no reason, even if there is none -..you must keep moving...the desert will end one day....all deserts end.....the trick is never stop walking...never quit..i have one big hope, that i will find true love again, and for this i walk every day, for this i will never quit, i may find or not, but one thing i know is i will always look forwad to my path, smile, even when i have no reason to smile and move forward...so the message is....live is a war, a fight, a challenge, so we have to be strong, to survive, to fight another day, but we will never de defected!!
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