biggest disappoiment is being treated like a stranger by the person who once said i will love you forever

there are things you never expect to write, and yet, here i am writing, and i am writing them...there is a bitter taste in my mouth, there is no happiness, there is no joy, there is no peace, not today, today there is disappointment, there is monster sadness, there is, like i say in another post, emptiness..i would trade years on my life to write a different thing, but....

but i have to be honest, this is the last thing left, honesty, respect, be true to myself....if you read my blog, you see my journey, you see how much it went in my life, and i learn one thing in this times, i have to be honest, i have to be clear, i have to be able to wake up in the morning and be able to look myself in the mirror, to respect myself, not to be a shadow of me, not to be a puppet of some one else...but until very recently i was still manipulate, i was still treat for granted by some one i would have die for.....

its a very hard thing to learn, when you are able to break the magic and look at you, look at the events, and you have a bitter feeling...i was used...manipulate...in a intentional way?? unconsciously??? i dont know...i only know that i was....the feeling is not a nice one...maybe this was not even intentional, but the actions talk for themselves....

what do you do???

to make things even "better" this other girl i meet, this person who i was thinking was a friend, a person i could be a lot more them, a person that bright my lasts months, simply move out of my life, i dont fit her agenda, i dont fit her lifestyle...maybe i am too old fashion, maybe i expect to much from people....maybe i am the problem, in a society where the only value is show off, money, me, my own agenda, i dont fit, people think we are where to serve them? to be disposable? that values are things we use when them are convenient??? that honor, respect are just strange concepts....i dont fit...maybe this is the key thing...i dont fit...i am the problem...but i cannot change this part...this is who i am...i rather die alone them become one of this persons...

and Anna, yes, I am not a part of Anna Life, i didnt see her for more them a year, i saw her totally by chance with her child last monday....i was in my bicycle, and i slow down, i pass by her i was going to stop, she was talking to some other women...she didnt even gave a proper look, she gave me the same look, the one she gave in the gym more them a year ago...the look you give some who is annoying, some one you dont trully like...like i was someone who was trying to sell her something, some one who was bad for her, i was so suprised....and say hi to her child, who look at me, look at her mother...and i could see in her face...she didnt know what to do...i trully dont like this....i dont like that her child thinks it will be in trouble, if talks to me...i was with a friend, he ask me almost joking...hey...you talk to people you dont know??? he didnt knew, i didnt say nothing...it left me asking myself all day....why??? what i did????

there was a moment i expect Anna to say hi!! what happen to you??? how is life??? no...nothing, i know i am the past, but it was like that day i was told i am an EX....its like you are a discarded thing....maybe i am not even being fair, maybe this is not the way she feels...but i dont know how she feels, i dont know what is in her mind...i just see the actions, i just deal with the maked and cruel reality..... 

i keep posting Anna letters, i keep being her legal representative...i even send a letter when her new child was born, and i never expect that the reaction was....zero...nothing....i keep saying to myself...hey...Anna is not like that, she will say thank you....she will send a mail..or a sms...i keep saying..she is busy...i am sure tomorrow she will reply....and yet the days pass, by, the weeks...the months, a new letter would arrive and i go and put the letter in her mail box, i always put a little note, a card...and nothing....

if it was just doing...but...i need to ask my family to send me the letter...its a different country, i need to get it, hear my family complaining about they had to go to the post office, to send the letter, that this cost money, and i keep being harsh to them, i keep defend Anna, and i keep them driving to her place, put the letter on her mailbox and move away....i dont expect fireworks....no, i expect just like a friend you do.....thank you, is that to much to ask???

respect??? being just polite?? is this to much to ask?? i share her life for hers....

I never had anything againts Anna, i never angry, bitter, I never hate, i didnt burn her things, i always embrace my past with Anna, I always there for her, I always try help in what I could, even now, even after stop sharing a path in live, we don’t see each other, Anna have a new family, she  have a new journey in life and I have mine, however we share a past,i did consider that we were some how friends....at least cordial to each other, i always think after she was in her new path she at least you smile and talk to me...

I doing  things for Anna because I was thinking that we are something more them strangers, but I believe that actions talk a lot louder them words, when i love her i would do anything for her, i dont ask way, you simply do it...when lose is start to see someone who doesn’t respect you, who treats you like its embarrassed or annoyed when they see you, you start asking yourself, why? what have i done? why?? i gave the best of me, i gave the best of me every day, i would trade my life for her unborn child and i am treated like an embaressement?????

I dont understand what Anna is afraid?? To say hi….to say thank you…words…is she thinking this is giving me hope??? come on!!! we are adults...

i never expect to reach this stage in my life, life is a long journey and sometimes the you are dead wrong…i keep defending Anna, every time some one said some bad thing, i would fight, i fought two guys in the gym because of her, she doesnt know, must people dont know, i would defend her...how many times i hear....she is bad for you, she is using you...and i keep saying nooooooo, she is good, she is a super person...now i am not so sure...now i think maybe i was wrong...

if i break with her what I will lose?? Nothing, I will not lose a friend, I will not lose some who cares, I lose nothing…Anna on the other will lose a lot, maybe now she doesn’t even realise what she is losing, but she is losing a friend,she is losing some one who was there for her...

i know that people can change, I did, I change a lot, for better, because of Anna, this blog show how much i have changed how much she help me in changing into a better person, i am really sad, i try to be a friend, i try soooo much....but this time i didnt fail...she did....this a sad day for me.....

this is a new entry in this post PS - i wrote the post above around 15.00....after i publish it, i went to gym, i run for two hours and i went to to do a sauna to relax...Anna was in the sauna...she said Hi, i was not expecting that, i was not expecting her to talk to me, she said Hi, i wave and smile...we didnt talk...i close my eyes, i try not to look, why??? because i dont know what do to....this is the must real true...i dont know, i dont know what to do...i think i do what she wanted me to do....give her space...give her no contact...its not easy, i wanted to ask so many things, like a friend would ask a person he cares and doesnt see for ages...i didnt...i was trying to see how she would react when she leaves the sauna, but when she left, she didnt even look back, not even a wave...i would like to understand one day...what have i done??? i left in the sauna asking....what i did??? there is not nice feeling in this, i dont feel good....life is so strange, i spend a year without see her...and now totally by chance i see her twice in 5 days....and in both times, the reaction is....i am a problem, a bad thing...and i if this makes Anna happy this is what i would do...i will give her the freedon of me..totaly...but this also breaks you spirit...the love is gone...and this is not a good news, its not a bad news....i am continuing my walk, i continue my path....now there is nothing to look back...

ps- this is a second ps....its now 14 of December, and like i say i am honest, i need to keep things right, i meet Anna, once more, by chance, we talk, we clear lots of things, i am happy, i am happy that i can talk to some one who was so importante in my life, for some i would have die for, i would kill for....we talk, she told me i am still her friend..i dont need to listen to more, i dont have any plan, i dont have wish, or hope, no!!! that is dead, that feeling is past...but i am happy we can see each other as persons, who share a very important moment in our lifes...