no more hope...its over

 

this is maybe  last post...i dont know if i will carry on...i was told by Anna, over, she said, its over, total over, that must go out of her life, that she doesnt want me..i must disapear from her life...she dont want me to be close to her...never to see her again... that she will not answer my phone calls, that she will delete my number.....i dont have any hope...so i move...i will disappear...i close my eyes, my heart and move away

this is not a post, no...its is a declaration of love for the person i always will love, this is a cry...a shout....i told her about this blog, she told she doesnt want to know...she doesnt want to read it...but will write this last post for her....this is all the things that are running in my mind:

My Dearest Anna

My love, my light..my life....life is a long strange process...I am walking out from your life, I do it because I don't want to be a source of stress, of distress for you I don't do it in anger, or hate, I have no bad feelings in my heart, I love you, you know this, I have no regrets, I love you, I am your friend, and you will always have a place in my heart and in my life, and if we cross each other, I hope you come to me and say hi, I will be always your friend!!!!!...I am not stopping being your friend...I am not stopping loving you....I will never stop being your friend, this is for ever!!! I will not delete your phone number, I will see that pictures of you that I have at home, I will not stop wearing the things you gave me, I hope you keep me in your heart has a  good thing in your life!!!...your eyes will be free from me, but I hope that you still have a place in your mind, and a little corner in your heart for me, I am just moving to the side to give you all the space you need, I don't want to be a source of any pressure, stress, discomfort, sadness to you, I love you too much for that, I am going in the shadow of life so you can enjoy the full sun of life....

I want you to be happy, I don't want to see your face in stress because we are together in a place...maybe one day you can realise how great I would have been to you, how amazing we could have been together....I am here...I have no kids, I have no story...I am just here for you...I love you more them any person in this planet, you will find more handsome guys them me, taller, younger, richer, but you will never will find someone who will love as much as me, you are my reason to life, you are not my second, 3 priority, you and your child are my only priority...but this is not enough...my love was no sufficient...

I am not from your country…no...I am another country...I never consider where you born, the country on your passport was important, I always think that the love you have is important, I am not my brother, my father, your father, our language teacher husband...I am just me, someone who loves you, truly, and with me you would have someone who would be your partner for ever, you would never leave, that would be there for you ever and ever. that would always have love you for ever...I don't cheat, I don't play games, I am honest...I have pure love...I dream to walk you to alter,  to wait for you to arrive in a white dress, in a church, to marry you...that I would ever see your love bring us a child, to be able to caress our child and tell him or her stories about my sailing times, or how beautiful you are, about we grow old together, do runs together, and walk in the park, see you getting white hair, and tell who beautiful you are, to prove to all around us that love can conquer all, that not every one ends in a divorce, end with a broken heart, I would prove that life can be a beautiful journey of two people side by side, i would do an effort every day to make you laugh, smile  every day, to make you feel special…to give you feet massages when you are 75 and your feet will hurt, with me life is simple, its just me loving you, nothing more, love...and total dedication...I would want all of that, I would want to marry you, to have a kid with you, but life had other plans....i had bough an engage ring, i had had everything ready, but life change the plans, the ring and box lie in the botton of the sea, in your country, in a place you took me there,  a place i go to feel close to you..

I know the person who is helping you gave lots of advice, get a man from your country....I am surprised...she should have said, get someone you love you, you respect, who will be there for you, someone you can trust, if you ask something, you know it will be done...who is honest, who doesn't play games, who doesn't cheat, you makes you laugh...no..your country....what about, dedication? tenderness? put the interest of the love one in front of his??? are this not important? and if she was giving advice on me, she should at decency of talk to me once....she doesn't know who I an now, what I feel, what I believe in...and another thing, i was told ...dont let other pople make decisions for you, not making judgement, and she told me also...this help should last in maximum 6 months, after that its no good....she told me after six months you need to move in your own...if you stay for long, she told, people starting playing the "God" role, where they start molding the person in their way....so free yourself Anna...live for you without fear, life with passion...

Maybe one day...when your child move out, when you are looking at am empty house, and you are no sure about your relationship...you would take look back in your life....you see the guys, the persons who touch your life, see how they love you, see who was there for you everytime, even when they knew that they were not your priority...how important you were for them, how much they love you...and you going to realise...I am, would be the perfect man for you, with me you know you are always top priority, I am always, and will be, there for you, i would be there not to make decision for you, not to patronise you, but to be your rock, to support your decisions...I am always try to make you laugh, I am always trying to make your life easier, more happy, maybe I try to much, I know I am too pushy sometimes...I do this not because you cannot stand on your on, you can, you stand on our own, I do this to prove my love to you, sometimes in a too much way...I will never patronise you, I am not trying to save you...I am just trying to share and help, to share, to make your life more easy....I do all this because I love you so much!!!

My grandmother still prays for you and your child every day, she will not stop...even today I tol her to pray even more for you and your child, she have a photo of you and your child, she still says,...my little girls!! she will pray for you for ever...and I will keep praying for you also, until the day I die.......you will always be in my heart!! and in the heart of my family...

did I forget the fights we had? I have them in my mind...I see them every day, I know how much I would be different now...did I forget the fact I didn't move here when you did?? no....but you cannot even understand, you not even grasp how much I am sorry, you cannot even imagine the pain I have in my heart, when I think about this things, this changed me...pain can make you a bitter, sad person, or make you a better person...it made me a better person, to me pain made me grow up, it made me see my mistakes, I had a long hard look at me, about what I think was right and wrong, how the true importance of things, it made look at me and ask myself, how I truly was as person, was I good or not? and start in me a process of change...a revolution in how I feel...you where afraid that I will be bad for you??? that if we would go back we would face the some old problems??? no, we wouldn't, because I am not the same person, you cannot even guess how different how life would be...how you me and your child would be, I learn a lot about me, I learn a lot how to raise a child, to be a part of family, how language was a barrier and separation?? you told me not to learn your language for you....I didn't start learning your language for you, no, I started learning your language so i could speak with your child, so language would never be a barrier between us again...so we can all be together and share a laugh a joke...but...

I hope just one thing, I wish just one thing...that is way I am moving to the side....I want you to be happy...your happiness is everything to me, I want you to be happy, that you can enjoy life, that every thing you wish will come true, I will continue my life, I am here for me, so I will not return to my country...not for now, I will move with my life....

my love for you will not stop the day I die...they say, true love never dies, if you die with true love in your heart you will see your love one in Heaven, to see how much I love you, if I God told me, if He say...you will have to die right now so Anna can be happy for ever, I would die for you, no need to think, not need consider anything, I would do it pleasure, I would only ask one thing, please...make the life of Anna as much happy as I wish and wanted it for her...I can do this because I don't have a heart with several people on it, my heart has only place for you, so there wouldn't nothing to think about...I love you, just you...I just love you, more them anything so I would die in peace and in joy, this is because I love you! so much!!

I don't regret nothing, if you one day you think about all the persons in your life, you will see that only one truly love you, only one was there for you, who can always count, do to a little thing, to do a big thing, who was patient, who listen to you, you respect and admire you, who loved you even after you didnt't want him, my love for you is unconditional, it was no account, no plan, no second ideas, it is pure, its true, I have pure and true love for you...

how will be the future? I don't know...I know one thing is we cross, in here, in your country, in my country in any place, I will walk to you, I will kiss and I will say hi!!!  I have no regrets,you always will be special for me, this means today, in 5 years, in 10...for ever!!! I will be your friend for life, you will always be the love of my life...if we meet, the first thing i will want to know is...are you happy? if you are happy, even if not with me, you dont need to say anything more...just that you are happy...

if I knew today...how we would be my path with you, how much I would suffer...and was asked, you can live everything again, but cannot change nothing, you will know how it will end, you cannot correct the situation.....you will be in pain....that i would see the tears coming down from my own face…that I know I would not sleep. That I lose more them 10 kg....the desperation, the feeling of lost, the walk in hell...i would remember instead the love, the little notes you put in my bed, I would remember my little mermaid, my sexy agent99, I will remember troia, I will remember our car travels, I would remember giving you all the massages, me asking you do all this mental calculations while you drive to keep you distracted, i would remember you asking if i want tea after diner, i would remember your smile, i would remember you running much better and faster them me, I would remember kissing you, I would remember put a blanket in your child before we would go to bed, would remember holding your hand, I would remember the touch of head in my chest in the mornings, there is so much joy in my heart with you that if I would go back to that magic day in the castle and I even would kiss with more passion that I kiss you on that day!!!!! You are the best thing in my life!!!! nothing will change that!

you know me, my place, my phone, my house, I will always will be there for you...if you day who think...I should give ..... a call, but its been 5 years....10 years...doesnt matter....just call. Don't even hesitate one second, I will be always so happy to talk to you, to see you, to be with you, to have a coffee with you...

I will spend the rest of my life asking God one thing...that Anna will love me one day again....

MY love for you is eternal, you are my love, my passion, my soul is yours, its yours since the first day i saw you, you will be always in my heart, so goodbye, my love, light of my eyes and heart.....