future????

I am at a cross road of my life, when you are in the early 20s or even in your 30s you think that you have all time in the world, but do we have all this time??? i am facing a big question, a question that i ask my self every day, what do i want??? what is important for me???

and i realise one thing, i am trying to avoid answer this questions, i try to pretend i dont have to make any choice, that i am just giving myself time, and insted i am not taking the must basic question of my life..what i will do next? what i do i want for the future???

i dont speak about work, i dont speak about money, about carrear, no, i speak about love, i speak how i see my future as a person...as some one who can be a partner for some one...a husband, a father...

i has taking with some friends yesterday, we spoke about life, about relantionships, about love,about precious moments, about what is important for us, and as i was driving back home, i realise one thing, something i dont want to admit, all my taking was about how great Anna was, how much she shape me in a better person...how the best moments of my life were at her side...its not easy...

i waited, i hoped, and i lost, i lost her, and i dont want to feed me with expectations..i dont want to be back to place where i wait for nothing...to hope and nothing will happen..i dont want to see my life pass by me....

and yet, i feel less and less the need to go out, i am fine, i am reaching a peacefull state, and i start to feel that i dont need to go out, that i dont need to go to parties, that i can focus in relaxing, enjoy time with my friends, and keep with my sports...that i dont need no one...

am i lying to myself??? should i start see some one i dont trully love? some i care, but there is not that special feeling??? i am not afraid of being alone, i am not afraid of coming home and there is no one there....

dont get me wrong, life is better shared, life is supposed to be a journey were people are side by side, not alone, but if if you have to walk life alone, do it with a pure heart, with honor, with courage, this is what i try to do now, i am trying to find lots of answers for questions that i cannot maybe handle now...

i am thinking about going to spain and do this walk to santiago, the santiago trail, i would walk 500 kms, its to give myself time to think, to isolate myself from the day to day, to look at my inner soul, to question my feelings, to look at me, and try to find what i want, my true honest wish, and them life with this, in a honest way, we cannot escape the our own voice, you may lie to others, but you cannot lie to yourself, and this is the biggest mistake we do, we lie to ourselfs, we lie to ourselfs every day, in our work, in our relantionships, in our goals, we start living others peoples lives, we stop living our own life and become a image of what others, or society, or the image we would like to show...we are no longer honest, why???? because its easier, because it helps us conform, with help us better join the group...

this is what scares me, i am not being honest...with me, do i want to forget Anna??? do i want Anna to disapear from my mind??? do i have feelings for her?? will i wait??? will i hope for miracle??? there is a line where you know what is possible, and should you carry on living with a "hope" of something that you know that will never happen??? i dont have any answer...but i need to look at me and see my answer...not other people answer...mine...and learn to live with it!!!

can you live like this??? i am wasting my life???? i dont know, there is many questions in my mind, and yet i see the storm clearing, i see my boat broken, but i still floating, i can start reparing my sails, i can start to see the sun behind the clouds, i can start to feel back in control, i start to feel i can start thinking to reach a port, i hope as the night falls, that i can see the stars and not only clouds and rain, i can only ask from myself to be honest, true, just, peaceful and strong!!!!

life is path, a journey, dont let fear be your guide, let love guide you, and with love, pain, miseray suffering, will never in vain!!!! be honest with yoursef!!!