why did i fail?

I had a big moment in my life, its this moment were you look back, where you try to think, what is my life until now? its was said that Julio Cesar cry at the tum of Alexandre the Great, when he was 33, because he didn't achieve nothing, and he thinking of himself as a failure..no, i dont have pretentious of being famous, or great, i am not even chasing fame, or glory, or money...

I just had a big meeting, the one you work for almost a year, where you see the work of one year down the line, after you this happens, you look back...i dont know why, on the professional front i doing ok, i am doing much better them i expected...but on the way back home, i start thinking, like making a assessment of my life...i am here for almost an year...i come with hope, with a purpose...

I fail...there is no ifs or buts, i fail, my biggest wish, my biggest dream didnt happen....i lost the two must important persons of my life, i still pray for them every night...i still tremble every time i see a car similar to the one Anna have...i am slowly bring my life togeter, but i am not good..so after this day, i wake up, i went to the beach, its a place in Anna country, it a place i like very much, its a big drive, i drove 1hour and half, in fog...i was in this beach at 8.30, 4C outside, the water must have been around 8c...there was no one...just a surreal fog....i get my wet suit...and i went for swim...it was not a swim, it was almost surviving the cold...i "swim" for less them 5 minutes..i was so cold...i couldnt feel my hands or feet...on drive back my feet hurt as they come back alive, its a very strange feeling, and i was thinking...why i do this?? i am mad??? no...because while i am doing this...or while i am pushing myself in the gym, or in my bike...my brain is closed...i am not thinking what i wanted...about what i lost...

why we fail???? why did i fail??? for so many reasons...but the main one is very simple, we thing we are more important the others...even when we are in a relationship, must of us, still think..what is best for me...this is wrong....we should think, what is best for my love...i am stupid??? i am crazy??? i am a whimp?? i am person with no spine??? no...i am just a person who loves...if we make the the other person the most important thing in our lifes, we make sure that there is no stress, that there is no bad moments, that we have love...and by doing this we make the other person do the same...she/he will think of you first also...this is the key of happiness....this is true love...

when we start having an agenda..a plans, a my... a me...a I..we are already on the way down...i was not perfect...far from it...but i learn...and i learn the hard way...i keep my word...the only reason i keep writting this blog is to try to save some person, or persons to go by the same hell as me...i help every time i can...i was in church and the priest was saying, what you do every day, the way you help and do go will help shape your future...i try every day to do good, for me, for others, i am not saint..i am not perfect...i fail in life...i fail because i was not enough for the person i love....so dont fail also...

i fail because i didnt follow my love to her new job, i fail because i didnt listen to her, to what she was saying behind the words, i fail because i was thinking i knew it all, that i had to think about me...i had a me agenda, i fail because i was stupid, because maybe i didnt eve understood how much happy i was with Anna, how much i love her, i fail because i didnt learn her language, i fail because i was to selfish....we should think about many things before we fail....but i learn my lesson, i will never fail again to the one i will love, we fail...we all do sometimes fail in life, but we should learn from our failures, we must rise again...

work?? money?? fame??? cars??? houses??? things??? you shouldnt care...this is not important, you can have a much more important thing...love...a partner, a family, a reason to come home, a magic person who makes you feel special, that you can conquer the world...that every day is a joy...this is the best thing in life...i dont have it...i fail...because i was centered on me...i was centered in my work, in my sport, in my visison of the world...i was not able to open my soul to all the love was giving me...i didnt open my mind to this two amazing persons...and now i push myself like a lost soul in the sea..while i could be sharing the bed with the most important person of my life...i could be making a nice breakfast in bed to love of my life and not running in  a deserted beach in the winter to feel my blood rushing again...i could be having a beautiful weekend of love and not about pushing my self to not be able to breath.....so i dont feel nothing, so my mind is empty, so i can have some peace,so please...dont fail...see the real importance of things pleace, please...fight for love, open your soul and heart...and dont be be a failure...be a husband, a wife..a partner...a lover...have pure love!!!!