Darkness

My birthday was a few days ago, its suppose to be a happy time, but this time instead of happiness, i just had this deep darkness in my heart, for some moments the feeling in my heart was pain, resentment, angry, disappointment....i feel really bad, why??

why??? the must basic reason...i was hoping that independent of everything that happen between me and Anna, that we were in good terms, that i could expect a sms, a mail, a happy birthday in my FB, but as the hours of the time pass, i keep checking my phone, my page...nothing....in the end i send a sms, saying what i felt...and i did get a sms...did this make a difference???? of course it did!!!!! i am honest, i dont lie in here...its not hope, its not a sign, its nothing, its just a way to show we respect each other!!!!

yes, we are apart, we are not together, maybe i am just stupid, maybe i am not clever, i expect that some which i  share my life, that we important for each other, there is a level of care that you expect, a card, a sms, a touch, that this person was an important part of our life, i will always send a card to Anna, on her birthday, on christmas, i will never forget, i will never stop...

there is no plan, no second idea, its just a sign of caring, of respect, of being part of my life, and this was what i expect...

another thing that make me feel strange, is how much i still get affected by this, i am not ready, i am not free, my mouth can say, i am better, i am ok, my brain, may try to think i am fine...but my heart says...its not yet ok...its not fully free....

i dont like this, i suffer, i trully suffer, and this is not good, christmas is coming, and i trying to be ready, i am trying to be prepared....

Some people will never leave our hearts, i can spend the rest of my life without see Anna a single time more, and she will be for ever in my heart, i can be married, be a father, but there is things that we cannot errase, we cannot forget, we cannot get free...

is this good??? bad??? i dont know, each of us will have an answer, a reason, a way to deal with this...i just say we have to be honest with what we feel, of who we are, and learn to life with this feeling, with this situation, we can pretend, we can fool the rest of the world, but we cannot fool yourself!!!!

i let darkness enter my heart, maybe is the birthday, the upcoming christmas, there are dates, moments that are harder to live them others...we can only resist, how i deal with this??? i try to say to myself, hey...its going to be ok, remember the trail, remember how much tired and desperate you were and you kept on walking, i remember that i am here, i am alive, that i have friends, i exercise, i am trully in great shape...i thinking i was never in such a great shape...its all part of what we do resist, to survive...

i am looking for 2013....and for the first in a long time, i dont know...i dont have a plan, a wish, a way to guide me, just another year, another 365 days....maybe life will suprise me...i fight every day for that chance...its not easy, its not easy at all, but all of us, who pass the same hell as me, we need to fight, we need not to quit, we need to be still standing, we need to open our hearts, and try to believe in the future!!!!!!