Merry christmas?

I am home, with my family for Christmas, every where i go, there is this christmas music, the shops are full, the people are trying to buy the latest gifts for their love ones, its a good season, a nice time of the year....is this true???? is this real???

i must say, no, not for me, i dont feel anything, i am not in a true christmas feeling, not in the way christmas exists today, i think christmas is not buying things, its not going to shops or shopping centers, its about love, its about show to the people who you love how much they mean to you!!!!

i am with my family, and for the first time in the last 10 years, i dont have a christmas wish, i dont have any dream or hope, no, i have no plan....its a very strange feeling....last year i had hope, i had a plan, now i have nothing..

i am fine, i already bought some little gifts for my family, i am here for them, tomorrow i will call all my close friends, i will wish all of them a merry christmas, but there is one number i will no call, a number i would like to call, but i will not call....this is the way life is....i need to learn to live this way!!!

christmas is about love, about family, about be close to the ones you love, in this days, i feel a bit more down, a bit more blue, its like you are missing a part of you, its like the best part of you is gone, in this days i always use to think, about what i will buy Anna, what i would say to her, i really like this time, now i feel that i am a bit lost, that i am a bit at drift....

so tomorrow, i will go to my favorite place in the world, its a beach, i will drive, take the ferry... i always liked to be in there, i always feel good in there, its the place i always go when i am lost, when everything looks bad, its also a place where i was so happy, a place that was magic, a place that i will connect me and Anna every time i go there, even now when i go there i feel close to her.....i will be there tomorrow, to swim, yes, its cold, yes, its rough, but its a not so bad, and i can enjoy it....

i am starting a new phase in my life, i trying to move with my life, to move forward, every day i walk one step more in this path, every day i move another step in the right direction, like me, there is lots of people who see this christmas times as a time where society is almost shouting at you.....are you single??? alone??? what is wrong with you???? the answer is simple...nothing...i am fine, i am good, i am just trying to bring peace in my life, i am just trying to be honest with my life...so friend, colleague of this times, go to your favorite place, go to a happy place, do something mad, do something that keeps you alive, that you enjoy doing, see it as your christmas gift to yourself, but please, dont confuse this with buying things....no, dont buy nothing, this is about a find inner peace, joy, help some one, do a good deed, dont do it for recognition, dont do it for any reward, do it to celebrate christmas, this is what christmas is about, to bring good to others...

how will be our lifes??? who knows???? i know tomorrow i will be in a magic place, and for me this is my christmas gift....will i be sad? happy?? will i wish anything??? i dont know, i will see tomorrow... i will try to find a reason for my christmas, life is a long path, i am walking my path, my road, where this path will lead me??? i see will as i walk...

so, have a merry christmas...and never quit, never give up!!! we will be happy!!!