My grandfather!!

My grandfather pass away on last Wednesday, he was 98 years old, , he may have lived many years, but  he he was not old, he was still driving, going to the shops, walking, making jokes, living, enjoy his life, he work in the garden, clime in walls, he paint the wall, he was in good shape, he die in peace, in seconds, while he was talking to my mother, he didnt felt a thing, he just close his eyes and went in a new journey...

we try to prepare for this, but we are never prepared, we still get a punch in the stomach when this happen, we still feel lost, there is no words, no way to express the feeling of lost...

my grandfather was a person very close to me, i grew up with him, the professional life of both my parents meant that they would need to travel, to spend long periods outside, i share this big house with my grandparents, he was always there for me, he was my friend, telling me all this stories about the "good old days" about his life adventures, he had a great life, full of events, full of stories, we share the first name, we share many other things, he was a athlete, he was president of a little club, he lived abroad, he was always trying to be good, to be honest, to be patient...he was a many of honor, i would be proud if i was close to what he stand for!!!

i learn a lot of life with him, i see how can a person share a life with other for years and year, how he could dedicate hinself to my grandmother, who is still alive at 96, and is now totally lost...

my grandfather didnt want money, he refuse many better jobs, more money to keep close to his family, he never care about fame, he never care about material things, and because of this he was a happy man, he was a very happy persons, his life was build by his hands, he build a life in difficult times, and he never hear from him a bitter word, a word of anger, of complain....

he was a wonderful person, we use to go with me when i still didnt had my driving license to my sport, he was always going with me to help and stay and wait for me to return to drive me back home, he was a inspiration for me, i saw him as way to get old, how to approach life, to deal with people, respect, honesty, love, care...

now he is gone, he left us, but he will stay with me, he will life in my heart, he will be present for ever in me, but i still feel this lost, this void, its never easy lose some one you trully care....

i life in a different country now, when i knew i rush to the airport, i went to companies, i found a flight back, i get the call at 17.10, i was home before 22.30!!!! i had to come, it just that simple....i call Anna, she knew him very well, he like her very much, but Anna rection was cold....she was the only person, with all the ones, even people i dont call as friends, who didnt say, if you need anything, call, no....like she didnt care...its not the best, you feel that life is bad...unfair....

this last days have been hell, yesterday Anna call me....i was thinking, good, she is calling to see how the things this wouldnt measn thing, just being a friend, just respect, being there for a friend in need.....Anna knew my family very well, we help her, she was part of us, we all loved her, but no, she told me, sorry....it was a mistake....few seconds....i was in a church to mourn my grandfather, and i realise other thing, every one had some one to go back, to give him or her some confort, no me, i have my family, but no person to ask if i am doing ok, i spend the last days being an anchor, a rock for others, i am being strong for other, and no one ask me, how i am doing???? no, people think, he is strong, he is fine....

today i say goodbye to grandfather, today was the funeral, it rain, it was a sad moment, and i just come here, i open my facebook, and there was...Anna is in relantionship, wwwoooo, this is really the message i need, i cannot express, its not that had any hope, no, Anna as and still is regard in my family as some one close, a person we all care, but now, i have to ask is there any respect??? and friendship??? do i know this person??? is she trying to hurt me??? or simply i dont count as shit??? for the first time in my life i was not happy with Anna, i was thinking, next time she need my help, i will treat her, like i treat any other person...i dont know...what is coming in my mind, i lose my grandfather, and now this, on the some day of the funeral...i get today knifed by life twice day, both hurt so much, i dont feel good, i dont feel strong, and yet, after closing this text, i will put my best yellow smile and try to keep my family together, keep the family strong, me...i am dead, today i am dead inside...and i will be there for them, i will not let no one go down, i will help them staying standing, moving toward a better day....

i am trying to gain inspiration from my grandfather to move on...to be strong, to try to walk into the light, to avoid darkness entering my heart, its not easy, its not easy at all....i pray, i pray a lot, put today, i am asking myself, why???? why??? why me??? why i need to suffer all of this???? where is god?? where is my life going??? today my heart and soul are full of questions....

i have no words, i am not in the best of times, today death is not my enemy, today death is friend....no, i am not crazy, i will never do anything crazy, this is not me, but today i lose a bit of my human side...

if i had no seen, lived and saw the lessons of my grandfather, today i would have been a very different person, today i will be 100 times even more worse, today i have question myself....what now??? what is my future??...and i have no answer....today i am in state i never remember ever been, today i am lost....i have no direction, i have no bearing...

now is closing this computer and be a rock for my family, even if inside, i am in the worse shape of all of them....and no one will see or know that!!! sometimes we need to be brave for others, i have a responsibility, i have to carry now the family torch....