keep fighting?

I am in a strange phase, time is supposed to conquer all, to help you, yet time keeps on moving, days keep on moving and i still asking myself what should i do????

you can smile, you can laugh, you can fool every one that you are great, that you are super well, but are you really that well?????

one of my close friends ask me why i dont start dating? why i dont start going out it any girl that is interested in me? why???

i dont see Anna since september! i should have close my heart, close my eyes, my heart, i should have her presence leave my soul, i should stop dreaming with her, either with my eyes close or open, i should have be able to pass a day without think about her, about her child....

why i cannot???? there is no hope, there is no plan, there is nothing...i am not going by all the photos, i am not checking her page in FB, i am not trying to see her...no, i am "clean" in this aspect, i am doing everything right, i carrying on with my life, i am doing all the "right" things, eat well, having a good time with my friends, exercise, trying to give myself goals for this year, if you see from the outside...if you talk with me, i am "cured", i am fine....but i am not...

is this just me??? i am so different that every one else???? maybe i see the others like they see me, from the outside we tell a different story, we become very good in living with our inner feelings, with the idea we are fine...

maybe must people give up to early, they lost focus, they stop believing....maybe they are right, maybe they are the ones who are right....

i am thinking a lot in this last month, christmas, new year, they have this effect on you...i am did, i am still doing a deep look inside of me...what i really want??? what i stand up for??? if i die tomorrow what would the picture of my life...i dont meant what i have, what is my bank account, what i achieve on my professinal side....no...what values i fight for, what i did with my life????

i am honest, here is the place i am totaly honest, i dont lie....i am not here to create a perfect picture of myself...i am me, a not perfect, driffter, i am a man who loves, who loves a person that cannot be his, who cares for some who absent from his life...why???? why???? i dont know....i dont have any agenda, i dont expect nothing, i am not waiting for a miracle...no, i am just being still honest to what i feel in my heart, i dont know what the future will bring...

last year i had some hope me and Anna could be together, now i dont have this hope, and i keep loving her, i will always will love her...is this blocking me for move on???


if i was on the outside, i would say...this guy is really stupid, its clear...move on...give up...find another person....i tell does exact same things to myself...over and over again....result???? not so great!!!

i am in fight.....i am fighting with me, i am fighting with what i feel, with the fact i still cannot let her go....maybe its the winter, maybe this is the last moment before i let Anna go....i feel i am getting a bit back....i dont know...life is not simple...

in the end, what is love? what is being true to your love??? there is no answer, there is no magic soluction, there is just how you feel, what others make you feel, what are you willing to do for them, maybe in today society we dont care for love, we care only for what we want, what is an instant gradification....in the "old" days people whould love just one one person, they whould wait, they whould move the world for this person...today we are discard like used boxes...no one fights, no one waits, no one stand ups....i am not like that....my nephew, who is 11 years old, ask me, uncle why are you are not married????  i told him, i am not married, because the person i care is not in my life,but i love her still ! i told him, people maybe not without but she is with me every day in my heart! no, i dont expect him to understood, sometimes even i dont understand, but i prefer to love, even if the person who you love is not with you, this is them most married people, how are together but have no love!! i also told him, i will explain when you are older....i also told him, and this he understood, when you like some one very much, you maybe cannot see this person but you still like her!!!!

does all of this makes any sense??? i dont know...but does life make any sense??

i dont know....i will not stop fighting...