its like you can see the future, you can see the way things will happen, you wish, you pray, you ask god for a different thing, but yet life shows that you are right....i never want so much to be wrong in my life....never in my life i want to so wrong like now....but now...i was right....
i starting typing post while i was still my office....this post is now on more them 7 tries, i delete and write it several times, i start in the office...the office keyboard was covered in blood, i had blood on my desk, my hands are full of cuts, the garage wall is full of blood of the punches i gave in the wall....for a few minutes i was totaly lost... i couldnt write..went to garage...its a big empty space....and i punch the wall...why??? to try to be alive...to avoid screaming...to avoid crying....this 5 minutes of my life will stay for me for ever...i hit yesterday rock button....you think you are on the way up, that life is better...and its true, you are better, you are on the way up... until you get a punch in stomach...until you see the full pain of life in your eyes...today i saw the end of life....i will write this post...and i dont know if will carry on...i dont know if i will write any more.....26 of march is a day i will not forget....i dont write good, i cannot even express what i feel...and i am suprised...i am chocked...why still now..why after so much time i still am so emotional about this??? why this still gets to me...why??? i dont understand, its not racional, i should be able not to be mad, not to feel it, and yet, i still do, it still gets to me, why can i not move away from this love??? sometimes i think i am fine..i am so fine, life goes on, i laugh, i am happy, i dont think so much about Anna, i feel i walking the right path...that i am ok...and them...bammmmmmgggggggggggggg!!!!!
today the cuts in my hands are better, but there is still cuts...still some big cuts...what happen....its not even easy to write...my mind, my heart...they are still bleeding...i went for lunch with some colleagues...it was a nice day..it was sunny...i was in a good mood...i return and i have a mail from Anna...my heart start beating fast...and i start reading....Anna tells me she is is expecting a child, and that this child is supposed to be born by june...this means this child is now around six months!!! six month????i cannot even express the pain...it like life decide to take me aside and break my spine....its the suprise...the shock...i was not ready....not even close...i had a blank...my brain is dead...i start thinking..why??? why???????? i cannot express all the things that pass my head...way she is telling me this??? she gives her new address, she lives now less them 200 meters from me...but this i knew already....i already had found out...but expecting a child....she is with this guy from september...and she is expecting already a child??? hope she didnt rush things, that she give herself time...no...in 2003 i was a coward, and i saw Anna getting a child....can you imagine see the women you love getting pregnant?? can you imagine see her every day??? every time you see her, you hurt, you lose all hope?? in 2003 i keep saying...dont thinking about it...but every time you see her...you cannot stop thinking, this you keep thinking...this should have been my child....i would be the one kissing you before going to sleep...can you imagine try to smile?? pretend that you are ok??? pretend to this person, the person you love that you are fine...she didnt understood i was chasing other girls, what else could i do? i pretend, but its was a scam, it was false, every day at home i couldnt sleep...can you life with the idea that the person you love is having a child from another guy??? its pure hell....i kill my calves from running in 2003...but that was my fault...i didnt say nothing...i was a coward...i didnt fight for my love...now its different, i move her for her, she knew about my love for her, she knew i would do anything for her...but she decide to ask me to leave her life...so this time is even harder...this should have been my child...and another big thing...why i keep feeling like this??? not even i can understand...
having a child with Anna was my dream, it was something i dream about, i bought a little book with names for childs in her country, so we could spend a nice evening deciding the name of our child, this was a think i wish so much, it will never will happen, and its one of the sadest things in my life, this is a thing will hunted me for the rest of my life....
I will not be the one kissing her belly, making her smile every day, putting her mind at ease, cooking her favourite food, giving her feet massages, read book for the child in her belly, passing my hand in her hair while she read, i will not be the one saying you are so beautiful, i will not be the one spending time thinking of names, getting the expectation and excitement of find if its a boy or girl...i will not be the one in the moment were this child will be born, i will not be there with her, to give her strength, i will not be a father... i will not be the one waking up at night and say, sleep my love, i will take care of this, i will not be there for them when they are sick...i will not be the one see this child give her first steps...no...it will not be me....it will be some one else....and this makes me mad, makes feel life is totaly unfair...and time can come and go..but my feelings seens never to go away....why i cannot free myself from this love???
maybe she is living a happy life, were i have no place, maybe she is so happy, there is nothing more that i want that her happiness, i have no anger, or resentment, or any bad feelings, for me this is still hard to hear, its still a punch in the stomach, i am still in my heart Anna friend, i would still die for her, she is still the women of my life, no, she may not be in my life, no, she will not think of me, but i keep thinking of her, life is a very strange journey, a path that you must follow is the one were you are honest with yourself, i am dont let others guide me, i dont let others decide my action, i follow what i believe, what i think its my path, is it easy? simple? no, its hard, its painful, but this is my path, and this is my decision..i am honest with myself, it my heart will feel, maybe one day i feel different, maybe one day i will not be like this...but i cannot see the future...i can on see what i feel....
i know Anna is worried...i know that she is not having a easy pregnancy, Anna is suffering a lots of health problens, she having a child is not easy, i know for moments she she was scared...and i was thinking...if in the universe sort of need of "balance"...if there is to have a balance, if this child was not suppose to be born, them i can offer a different soluction, i went to church, it almost easter, and i made a deal with God, if there is life that needs to be taken, them He can take mine... the church was totaly empty, it just me, and i hope God, i seat, i was there for an hour, totaly alone, me and God, and i told God, if there is a need to take a life, take mine...i made this promise....yes..its done, one lfe for one life...even today...for a child from another guy...from a person who doesnt care about me...i would trade my life for this unborn child...why??? i dont expect people to understand, i dont expect my friends to understand, that my family would understand, but i understand, i live with i think its what i should do, not what other people think, i have to be honest with myself...with what i thing its right...with what i believe....i would trade my life for this child, this is how i much i care for Anna....there is no grey areas where...how much i care for her?....too much...i dont have any issues with self esteem, no, i do have self respect...i just think today people invented this to issues be able to be selfish, to think only about them...and not feel bad about themselfs...i hear so many times...i have my pride...i have respect for me?!!! do you????? or this is just an excuse to take the easy way out, to not fight, or you are just a bloody coward that is afraid to love, to forgive, to learn, to give a second chance, to see what is trully important, to to know the what is real love...i think this is something that people lost in our modern society, what is true love...and how much true love is important..
how i stand now??? Anna is now starting a new family, a new life, did i need to know? i was better not knowing? i dont know...i only know that now i am back to a bad feel...i am back walking in hell...i just know what i felt when i was reading the mail.....i know the feeling...of being ripped apart... but there is nothing i can do...i hit lowest point, so now i can only improve, this is the only thing i can say...there is nothing more to hit me...i already lost everything, so now there is nothing more to lose...so now its time to move up....i hope that she will be happy, that life will smile to her every day, there is nothing more pure in this planet, that my hope that everything good will come to Anna...
i could have not replied to the mail, i could say go to hell, i could have done a lot of things, but once more, it would not be honest with me...i will reply to mail, i will be honest, i was always honest with Anna and i am not going to stop now...i will reply...but now everything is still to fresh to close...i need time to think....yesterday i run in the cold night for 3 hours...today i run another 4 hours..i limped home...i am so tired that my legs are shacking...my body is shaking...i feel sick...i vomit already 3 times..have nothing left in the tank...i gave everything..but i am more at peace now...i am more relaxed, i dont know if pain and exhaustion of the exercise...but i am more at peace...maybe one day i can look back at this stage of my life and dont feel the pain...now its not possible....
what i do now? move house, change jobs??? no...i will not do that, i will stay here, i will continue to work here until the end of the year...them i see...i can sign another 2 year contract...or leave...i dont know...there is a strange tranquility settling in, its the fact i lost everything, now i am at some how peace...
One of my friends told recently that life always rewards the good people, the good actions...i live believing in that...its easter now...i have the feeling that i am also nailed to cross..i have the feeling doesnt matter how good i am, what i do for others, life will not help me...but i will not stop helping i will not stop being good...this is all i have got now...no...there is no happy end for me....if this was a film...there would be miracle...i would be with Anna for the rest of my life..even with that child...wouldnt make any difference for me...but that is the films...in reality, Anna will have a new child...she will see this child grow with another man...will grow older without me...i will not see her when i return home...now i have to continue my walk, without looking back....i will keep my journey away from the thing i want more, i will keep walking towards the indiference...toward obliviance....
Now its like i reach the top of my pain, its like i reach the summit, now i have look pain in the eyes, and its like pain has no more cards, pain played all its cards, but i am still here, i am still standing, i am not defected, i am not broken, now its my turn, now its my turn to start playing my cards, now i am start my path away from pain, i will keep walking away...i will every day walk on my path, i will walk every day another step away from Anna...this is the only thing to do, maybe my heart will turn cold....i maybe will be what i was before...a sort of cyborg...a person with no feeling...i hope i dont turn into a bad person, in a person who doesnt believe in love any more, in a cold cynical person, i will keep walking, i will keep being honest, no...there is no happy end for me....but there is not stop to this fighting....pain, misery, you lost!!! you played all your cards...you kicked, you punch, you covered me with tears, with blood, and i am still standing!!!i am still alive, i am still good, i am still here...no..no...i will never quit, i will never will be defect....push down i was, but i rise, and i am not broken!!!!! life goes on!!!! the fight is not over, the fight goes on!!! i will see the sun!!!!
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