Me...

Me, who am i???? what defines me as person? its my job? its the money i have? its the values i have? what I stands for? what i am willing to die for? to kill for??

who am I??? is my name vicent de havilland? no, this name is my blog name, its not my real name, its just a name i use, its a combination of uncle of mine which was a very interesting person and who fascinate my youth with his stories and a company who use to build planes....

I like planes, i build so many little kit planes when i was a kid, about i was fascinate by planes, i study them , made them i draw them, and this name was something i like..de haviland...so the name stick with me...why i dont use my real name??? to protect Anna, so she keeps living her life...so people one day will not go and ask questions, to protect her child....that why i never make specific and real indications...

yes, the little snow man on the photo.. i made it, in one of my travels, i am not the best snow man builder!!! my country doesnt have a lot of snow, almost none....so i dont have a lot of experience...

who is the real me? some of the people who work with me,they think they know me, some of my friends think they know me, they both are right and wrong..they know parts of me, the person who knew better was Anna, but today even her doesnt know me totaly...

people who work with me think i am mad person, loud, funny, mad person, they think i am a womanizer, who is telling stories, maybe i am guilty of giving the wrong impression, sometimes is so much more easy to pretend, because the true you may scare people, may lead to people to think that you are snob,a shadow from the past, crazy, stupid  no one believes in true gentlemen, how its possilbe? every one have an agenda...maybe not...when i tell my stories sometimes they will think i am inventing then, but like a friend once told me, just tell the truth and if no one believe you, they will be surprised one day to find out, after all it was real...it was true...like he say blind them with truth, its so strange way people dont believe what you tell them simply because they live different lives, i did things, i saw things that most people whould not do, will not see, i tell them,  if they dont believe it i dont mind...sometimes its hard to believe for a lot of people that you may have a live a life that is not common...that some things happen...in the end yes i did and lived and see things that most people never even imagine...and i dont regret nothing i did...

i am person who trains martial arts, who trains self defense, for years, i lived in asia for 9 years, i learn martial arts in there, not a sport, no, martial arts, its very different, i train self defense,  i did fight a few times in my life, as a last resort, not to attack, never, just to defend, just when its the last option, i am not a bully, i am not arrogant, i am not looking for fight..i always tell...fight is always the last option...walk away...but i will fight for what i believe, that is better to die for what you believe them them go home and life with the fact that you let something that shouldnt happen, happen....maybe my colleagues know about this...they create one dimension side of me, maybe i also help to create  this picture...others who know only from offical work, from seminars and meetings....see the guy who does great presentations, who can talk in public, professional, soft spoken, this people, who know me from meetings and dont know me, think they know me...that i am quiet and soft spoken person....my friends, know my dedication to my sport, the sport i do since i am 13, that took me to nice places across the planet, that made me reach and meet so many people...that is challenging, that is some times dangerous, that involves the sea, they know that i dont go out a lot, that i not a big spender of cash, that i was a good student, that i stick with my family, that i am not buying all the latest tech things, they also know that they can count with me, that i mental about fitness, that i never quit, even when its better to quit, even when you know the end result, even when you know that I will lose...i dont quit...that i am stuburn...some think i am arrogant, that i have to much self confidance...one dimension....must people just see one dimension of me...

people who know me from the gym see my almost mental dedication to fitness, i am in the gym every day before 07.00, i push hard, people in there think i am mad sport person, i was asked several times what i do for living,am i a professional sportsman?? i am in the army??? police??? no, i am guy who works in an office for a international organization, i develop documents and evaluate techinal documents...they are always surprised, and i can talk more them basic stuff, more them exercises, more them training routines, i am not thinking only about fitness,i am not a gym rat, i read books, i watch films that people in the gym dont even expect, that they not even know that exist...its not about being just one dimension....

people who see my driving my station wagon...think family guy, with kids and maybe a dog...no...not even close....we  all thinking we see the others and know who they are, what they do, what person are they....some think i am happy, a always happy person....this is not true, i am optimist person, i am someone who is always thinking that something good will happen to me, happy???? no....family man...i wish...

we all make the mistake of thinking we know the others well, that we know who they are....but almost no one see the full picture, must people who know me, they dont  see my inner me, the values i defend, the person i have become after losing Anna, the level of love i have...i dont know if "have" is the right word...i cannot say  for sure "had"....i am not sure about have were i stand towards love...i truly not...

most people i know did not understood why i was in government job, not well paid, when i could have a much better paid job, with experience i have, why i didnt want to be "more", why? why not get more money?? but work, money...its not this that define, my job is not the most important thing for me, why? because i care more about having time, have a life outside my office, have time to share with some one i love, this is more important them money, i was in very well paid jobs, in very bad paid jobs...and my life doesnt change, my days, my weeks are not very different, i focus on the life after work, i think its more important to have time for the ones you love, to have time to do things, to be there for the important people in your life, life is not about your professional title, is not about your money, its not about your getting power, life is about being generous, its about being respectful, its about living for others, not only for you...this is me...

taking risks, not be afraid of put your word to the test, to say love is the most important thing we have in life, to risk everything for love, to being able to leave everything behind for love, to risk my life, to go a foreign country, to go to places that taxi drives wouldnt go, to be told i was going to be killed 3 times, to go on the darkest corners of a city in asia, to see the most dark sides of human nature, to look for some i care, to put this person in front of everything, to see the worse of human kind, all for love, for a person who would tell me after a flight of 20 hours,in a airport in 1996, i have a new boyfriend...to be able to rebuild my life, to love like i never expect to love again, have the possibility to meet and love Anna, to have meet and lose the most amazing person in this world, to be touch by joy and pain, to be willing to die even today for Anna, even after she doesnt give a damn about me, even after she cut me from her life, who doesnt care about me, to live life love with passion, with almost madness, that is me...

to go home, to cook for myself, to be able to enjoy being alone at my home, drink my tea, watching a stupid film in the tv, to go and have my ice cream in the park, to read a book outside,all by my self to ride my bike to work in the snow, to be able to resist losing a very close member of my family, my grandfather and being there for my family, even when there was moments i just want to cry, i hold it, i keep holding my mother, my brother, i keep telling them be  strong, cherry the person in your heart, he will live for ever with us, to there for them, to put a show, to be strong, even if you were not, but some one as to hold it, this is me...

to have one word, to not to cheat, to respect, to be there, to persistence, never to quit, even when maybe quiting is the best way, the only choice...to still think tomorrow will be better them today, that even if i dont understand my path in life, even if i am walking still some days in hell, that one day the sun will shine, that love will be there for me, not to be afraid of being alone, to be good just with me, just being alone and happy, to think age is just number, that life is a joy, that life is to be enjoyed, that life should be good, sometimes not easy...but good, that we never should stop fighting for what we believe...this is me.. 

being responsible, i am being taken responsability in my life since early age, for my brother, he is younger, them later for my family, for me, for others, to do the right thing, to live with honor and respect, that its me...

to love one person, to love only one person, to fully dedicate to this person, to believe what this person told me, to believe that people actions and their hearts are the same of the promises they make..maybe this is the biggest disapoimtment of my life, i think others are like me, because i will never say and promise things i will not do, which i will not respect...if i say i do...i will do...i dont care what it "cost", what is the "price" to pay, this is me...

and people my think...woowww...you are so "nice", why you are alone?? you are just blowing your own trumpet hey..its the net, this guy can say whatever he wants...no one is like that...like i said before, sometimes just say the truth, i dont care if people believe of not, there is nothing i say in here that is not real, that is not truth...

i change, i am a different person , i am a better person, i dont judge people, i dont label people, i think for example that what defines a person is the values, the love, the caring, not the job tittle, not its passport, not its sexual orientation, not is bank account, this is me...

maybe i am alone because everything i say here, i am being fully honest, i life with my code, with what i think its right, and yes, its not easy to fit in this world,  this is me...i am like this...i have no one in my life, but my heart is still not fully free, and my stupid heart as one one place, for only one person, you can ask, how you can be stil not be free??? she doesnt care about you, i know this, i she kick you out of her life, i know this, and my heart is still not yet fully free...maybe i will never be...for a person which i found very recently did some thing i think is not correct, that there is no respect... but my heart still is not free, i know myself, it will take years and years, and until this is not solved i am not able to move forward with love...i am not interested in one day stands, i am not interested in chasing girls with lies for a good time...so i am stay alone...you can say..to be stupidy....but this is also me....

but i was not always like this, i was far from being tolerant, i was not right, i think kid eduction was like army drill, that a meal would be a test of wills, where you wouldnt fail, that life was made of rules, of routines, where there was a "me" agenda, yes i was like many others, selfish, self centered, i am my own agenda, i didnt learn to adpated, i always think i was right, that i was always right, that you dont need to show your feelings, dontt need to tell the person you love, how much you love her, and that all the nice things, the little things...its for movies...i wouldnt change a day of my sport to be with Anna...i need to lose love,i need to lose the two must important persons in my life to change, i need to be kick in teeth by life, my heart still bleeds when i think i could had everything i want, and i didnt even realise it, that it was there under my eyes...i need to lose to understand what is really important in life...but life changed me...i improved as human, as man, the only thing is life is not like the movies...in the movies in a twist by end the nice guy always get the girl, life is not like that, this is reality and it will never happen!

i loved Anna without hope, with hope, with all my heart, i love with a blind and mad way, and yet i will not get her back, no life is not like the movies, there will no happy end for me...i will not be with Anna, i will not share her life any more...but should i stop being me??? i cannot....i cannot, i am me, when you see some, try to see the entire person, dont judge this person on what you see in that moment or in a fuction, maybe there is a lot more in that person, we are not all one dimension, i have so many dimesions, and its all of them that make me, me....

so you am i? i am person you goes to church, who prays and lights a candle for a person who doesnt care about him, who helps others, so will fight for others, who is honest, passion, but i am also person who teach others how defend thenselfs by hurting another fellow human, i am a person you will find full of life, who will never forgets his friends, i am person who is not afraid of death, but wants to life, i am person who reads Nietzsche, but which sees crap action films, i talk about zen as much as how to break an arm, i travel, i see others i think life is a long and unknown path, i am person who thinks life is important, that love is rare and only one, that you should never stop figthing for what you believe, that there is only one person in my heart, and i rather life alone for the rest of my life them being a asshole who cheats...

so who am I?...me? not easy to say...what is the best way to say something about me...you can say...that is the guy who truly love Anna!!!