i am not writing as much as i did before, there was a time i would write every day, where my life was in turn oil, that i was like on a frying pan, i was "junkie" of Anna, i was totaly lost in love, i had so much love in my heart, i love with a desperation, with no hope, with a total sense of lost, but i loved, i had a plan, i had hope, i had a purpose...
now, all of that is over, love is gone, hope is totally lost, my story with Anna, is over, i dont need to tell every again, there is plenty of post in here to say that, to express my journey....
i am in my country, i am here for holidays, i was here to clear my professional situation, to see how my connection to this person i meet in one of obstacle run, i was think we would meet, we would go out, go to the beach, have a dinner, share a laugh...go to run...i came full of plans...but nothing happened....
in the end i stay here for two weeks, and life open my eyes again, it open my eyes wide open, and not in the way i expected, for my work..i dont know if can continue to work in the place i do now, i like my work, i have nice life, i learn to separate my professional life and the things i feel in my heart, i have friends, but now i dont know....my contract runs out in dezember..and i still dont know if i should start packing my house, and return.....and the scary thing is time....two years...i feels like yesterday, i have such a clear memory of the first days, going to ikea, arriving with so much hope...and if i leave now....my professional life is going to be a bit affected, but this is not the most important part of my life....no this i can resist well....
is the fact that once more my path lead me to a hope that never come,
i arrive in here for this two weeks to try to see what i meant for some
one else, and i realize...not a lot, it seen that there is sort of
"lives" a real one and virtual one...and i only fit the second
one....sms, skype, FB, every day, its ok....i arrive in here....and
nothing, one lunch and one coffee...we are friends...i but i start to feel more, i love to see her smile, i love to see her laugh, i feel so happy when she is happy....i keep trying to block this from my mind...i try to think....she is your friend...but its not easy...this is hard...
i had a lot of time to think, this is the benefit of being in holidays, you go to the beach, you run, you walk, you think, a lot, and i realize, i shouldnt have hope, it strange i did a stand up paddle board race and on the way back i was on the bus, the guy seated next to me, which was also returning, starting talking, he told me he had divorce from his wife...and he told me....you need to go and live, and be happy, and life will fix the rest....its like i was being told...not to worry...but i see the time passing and the only thing i get is stronger...and stronger....not better...not love...
its hard to believe in that, but he is right...i need to and live my live, and learn to be happy...i am thinking a lot about closing this blog.....it doesnt make sense...Anna is not a single mother, she is living with some, she as now a new child...and i dont love her any more....not in the way i use to...this new person looks like she just see me as friend....there is a lot of questions in my mind....
i have not found answers, i found that there is good days, and there is really shitty days, but this is something every one in this planet can say....i found that i am getting better in my mind, i am can life alone, i can be alone and everything is fine, in fact some of the best moments in my last weeks is me being alone, in some nice place...i can see the beauty in things....
i am not alone in what happen in my life, no, so many of us, endure the same, some find another person, some get destroyed by this events, me and other we persevere, we carry on, and move on with our lifes, even now, i am a so much better person that when i start this journey...i am human, i learn so much, and this is maybe the biggest lesson, even in the bad experiences, there is always a positive thing....
and even today, even after all, i am not afraid to love, i am not afraid of taking risks, i have scars, i have taste the bad taste of life but i am not afraid to try again, this is the strange message i get from that talk on the bus...doesnt matter what happen in the past, we have to be honest, if you have love in your heart, them dont be afraid to said it, to look for it, you may fail again, you may be hurt again, you may suffer a lot more again...but i tell you....feel nothing...like i feel now....this is not the answer...this is not good....we need to keep our path, and take the future like a empty book...the future is not the past...the past is there for us to learn....no to show us what will happen next!!!! be brave, lets go and keep walking!
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