until one day...

this is my last post, yes, you can never say never, but i dont know after this one if there will be another one, all i wrote will be here, i could close this blog and hide it all, block this blog, but no, this is a phase of my life, a walk in life, a path into hell and back, so i leave it here, so if one day some person will come across it, and its facing a path like mine, he or she can know, that you are not alone, there is other persons who suffer like you, there is more people like you, and yes, you will be able to live again, yes, this maybe look impossible now...you may think...my life is over...my life doesnt make sense....it will be better, i can tell you...trust me...if you dont believe...read all this blog, post by post, from the start...but also see the time...two years...and this is just a tip of the iceberg...

i am dont say its easy, its not easy, what i went by in this years is far far from easy...i walk in hell....i can understand that in many moments you cannot see how you will survive...that there will be a better day, i know that darkness in your mind and heart will blind you, i know, i have been there...but there will be new days, i dont say better days....just new days...day where you will find things to do, smile, be happy...love? this is a question that which one of us will have a different answer....you need to find yours...

i start this blog because after i become adrift, i need it to help myself, to say things and express my inner feelings.....I lived with a single mother,I loved a single mother, when i was lost i try to look for advice, and i can only find crap...the advice given thinks we are all the same...but we are not the same, we dont love all the same way, with the same intensity, so i decide to write what i was feeling, sometimes every day...to show others, to try to avoid others to pass the journey in hell i did...

yes, i start write about Anna, like i say in last post, she is no longer a single mother, she move on, she kick me out of her life, totally, i dont feel that love for her...yes, there is so many questions for each i dont have an answer, even today, i dont understand the way she deals with me, i dont understand so much how we broke up...maybe i will never understand, but with time you start to be able to move on, even without an answer....

time, its so easy to say time heals, it does, but there is no fast forward in life, every day is hell, and you need to let time work, its a very slow process, it a painfull way, for me, its been years, and i am still on my path, but time do make things better, but time is slow, its like when you a nasty cut, you know that it will heal, but now the pain is there, the blood is out, you need to get it stopped....the problem in real life there is no band aid....there is only hanging and resisting, in living every day...its not an easy process...

now? now life goes on....and i wouldnt be right for me to talk about me, just for me, this is not i created this blog, or talk about new girls....no...this blog was about me and Anna, and if there is nothing more to say...them its better to say....until one day...

what happen in this last 10 years, a long journey, of growing up, of changing, of pain, crying, loving, laughing, smiling, fighting, losing, pain, lots of pain, suffering.....you may ask would i be better without having Anna entering my life??? no, i wouldnt be better, even now i dont regret nothing, i change, a lot, i move my life, i see life with a very different eyes now, i am changed for ever by this experience, some people blame the past, they feel the hearts with hate, with revenge...no....its not the right way....keep on living...keep fighting....

i told so many times i would love Anna forever...and now i dont feel that love...you can love with desperation, i did it, but after you start to see the reality, you loved, you love her more them you love yourself, i would have trade my life for her, for her child, i promise God to die for her unborn child, this is how much i loved, i keep looking back, i keep looking for a door that was closed...in fact the door didnt existed any more....and with time you realise...there is no way back, you could wish, you can pray, you liked a different outcome....but your realise....nothing is going to happen, for her the love is over...them you start walking, you start your true journey....i walk away, i stop looking back, i stop wishing, i start to see reality with different eyes...life is different...there is no love...

what will be my life??? i dont know...still today i am taking risks, i still hope for love, i still believe in love, i dont care if i am getting more pain, but i learn...i learn so much....if i could turn back time, to 2003 i would do it...but its not possible, so i have a life in front of me...

i learn so much, if you come across this blog, if your life puts you on the path of some who as kids, dont be afraid...kids are just like any person, they need attention, love, dedication, not a drill sergeant, thheir lives shouldnt be a army recruit....you need to listen, you need to understand what is your role, what you should do, discuss the matter with a open heart with your partner....dont be afraid, there is nothing better them a little kid come to you and hug you, and ask you to play with them, to see them grow....dont be afraid....embrace that love, and all the "advice" you get....about loving some one with kids....just say...go to hell...and follow your love!!!

dont be afraid to talk, to open your heart, i fail to do this, i didnt saw, i didint listen, i learn my lesson, if i have another chance in life, i will be there for us, that there is not a me and you agenda...there is a us agenda....there is a union, a family, i would work for love....

i learn to be better, to not be selfish, not to think my time is more important them of other people, i learn to share, that we should do things together...that live is not a easy journey....

no...love is rare...love is precious...this is not sex...sex you can get a lot, but its a very different thing...you want just sex??? one day you will be old...and you will ask..wwwooww....i let the best things of my life go...you lost the most important persons...i did....i lost them....now there are truly lost...but i still embrace my past...there is no hate....there is no recriminations....

i will live like i say here, i will be there, i will be there for others, if one day love touch me again, i will make an effort every day to make my love one feel she is special, that i care...never take things for granted...never think she will love me forever...I have to make it happen, make every day a special day, make every day a day that she will remember....i will leave little notes, i will send sms, i will call, i will make a surprise dinner, unexpected weekend trip, i will make little gifts, i will pay attention, i will listen, i will make my priority that my love is happy!!!! and she will know how much i love her!!

i am closing down this blog...after this post...i dont think there will be more...i will check it...i will be here...if but if you have doubts...if you want inspiration...come here and reread the post, love is a eternal thing, what i say in here doesnt fade away with time...

i will carry one my path...i carry on my walking.....i will be in that place on every 17 of february from 15.30 to 16.30, rain or shine...maybe one day i will tell where that place is...if i am alive i will be there...not waiting for nothing, but to remind me every time that love is a cause worth fighting for, dying for even killing for....love is the most import thing in life...

when you have someone in your life, when  have any chance of love, do the right thing, dont give excuses...dont say, i am to busy, i am tired, dont follow the wrong things, cars? houses? money??? that is nothing...dont trade your love for that, dont give up never, if you love some one, never stop fighting, never quit, even after everything looks lost, fight to the end, dont listen to others, listen to your heart, love is the only thing worth fighting for, dont trade love for things....if you do, you are a foal, if you do it, maybe you never loved, you dont even understand love...if you love, you know what i mean...money? status? jobs? cars? dont worth a kiss, a hug, a smile, i would trade all i have to the smile of the women who love me....

i have a paper in the office, its just in front of me, it says:

when love ends, its not about getting over having loved her
its not about forgetting her.
its about getting use to love her
without having her in your life

it took me a while to learn this, to be able to do that, its a different sort of "love", its about keeping some one who was for a moment of your life everything to you, in a special part of your mind, a good part...

so, if you have a problem with the person you love, dont start making films in your head, dont have doubts, go and tell the one you love, fight for your love, fight to solve the problems, never quit, there is nothing more important them love, it makes you a better a person, makes you smile, makes you perfect, makes every day a joy, a moment in heaven....

if you read this blog and ask, who is this guy...maybe one day you can come across me, in the bus, on a metro, on the way home, as you enter a cinema, running in a park, in a plane, in a airport, in a conference, in the street, maybe its me...maybe its some one else...that is not important, what is important is you think...that guy, he stop at nothing for his love...do the same yourself...fight for your love...live without any "if" or "but"...fight to end....and in the end if you lose....if your love is lost....dont regret it, embrace it...them stand up...rise....and start all over again!!! never stopping loving....