The best part of me died on saturday, i meet Anna, to give her some legal papers...we talk and she told she meet some one..that she is in love...that he is good for her...what can you do when you hear something like this??
you close your mind, your heart, you try your best yellow smile...you try not let tears role in your face and try to make sure you voice doesnt betrays you and i say...i am happy for you, i hope you will be very happy! i am happy??? this is the biggest lie of my life, i am happy??? hell no..i am not happy, i am beyond sad....this is the thing no one wants to hear...that i hope she is happy is true....i told her...if this guy doesnt treat you right i will break his legs! i am not a bully, i am not this bouncers in night clubs, i am regular guy who works in a office...would i break is legs?? why did i said that???i dont know..maybe because if some one hurts Anna or her child in any way...i would propably do much worse them breaking legs...is this a racional thinking? is this what you are supposed to do???? of course not, but if some guy hurts Anna on purpose....i dont know....
I expect this to happen one day...not so soon...but i cannot do nothing...i hope Anna dont rush things and marry this guy...or have a kid...if this happen i prefer not to know...i prefer not to know this is happening...yesterday i had a feeling i fail...i fail in life...it the first time i felt i am failure...that i fail in the most important thing of my life....i lost Anna...yesterday felt i fail in life...all the things i have...i achieve, meant nothing...i lost the only think i cared, the only thing that is totaly important for me...did i lost her just yesterday??? or a few months ago...or a few years ago??? you lose a person when you lose hope....and you lose hope, you lose this persons...i lost Anna, more them once...but there was always a little hope...life always brought us together...so many times..that i start to believe there would be hope...even now....now i lost it...and its for good...now hope is lost...now i am alone in this world....
the strange part is life, the past is the same, i cannot change it, but today if i look back in my life, we see life with different eyes, depends a lot in the moment you look, today i have a feeling i failed, i failed in the most important thing of my life...that my love was not enough, that you can have all the right feelings and you dont get any chance to show them, to prove to the person you love her so much, how we would be great together, today i feel...i am a totaly failure...
i am not at peace...i am not at peace at all...the best part of me, the light of my life is gone...i am trying really hard not to let darkness enter my heart, i am trying to find a good in this day...i went out after that talk with Anna...i had dinner with a friend...today i went to do my sports with another friends...this is the best thing...i have friends who are helping me in this hour...it a dark hour..its a closing time....i have to close Anna in my heart, i cannot wait any more...i cannot hope any more...i cannot think..one day...no...i have to close Anna...i was even thinking to close this blog, my facebook account...quit my job, and leave, leave for a place no one knows me, where i know no one...but i decide...no...nooo...i have a job...i have friends..i am not a quitting person....i will move on...i will move away from pain....
the best of me is dead...but i am still alive...i am still here...i am still in my feet....my soul is hurt, but its not lost....tomorrow is a new day, everyday will be a new hope, a new start, i have plans....i am plans for me...i am plans for my future...soon i will start a epic journey....i will walk 500 kms in 10 days...i am ready...i am ready mentaly for that...i will carry a book with me...a blank book which i will fill every day with my hopes, pain, and memories, i will take photos...i will see this as a new start of my life...i will start soon...early next month...i need to book a plane, get some materiaal...i cannot go like this....life is a strange process.....can i hope with any future happiness in my life??? love??? right know i am in a dark phase, its painful, you lie to yourself, you say i am fine....but you are not...
i am going to pray, i am going to ask God about a lot of things....maybe He can listen, if you come across this blog, please, pray for me, ask God to touch my shoulder and give me peace and dont let the darkness enter my heart.....right now i have to much darkness in my heart...this is not good...
No comments:
Post a Comment