A few days ago i attend a high level meeting and during the lunch break, while i was eating with a few poeple...every one was telling about their biggest achievements in life, 3 men and 5 women, they keep saying, big job, sucess, money, their mark in laws, in documents, building big professional reputations, big house, fame,....not one...not a single one, said, my kids, my wife, my husband, my love, bring happiness to others, being a force for good....finding love and keep it....not one....all material things...my answer, was simple...and true...my biggest achievement in life was being there and breathing and be able to smile at crap...be happy….be able to laugh....they didnt understood, they all think i was rude...that i was stupid...no...When you get lose the most important thing in life...be able to smile...to breath...to carry on...to find joy in a bike to work, to laugh alone...to have sleep well...to look in the mirror in the morning and smile...what could be bigger? yes...my biggest achievement in life is being here...alive...trying to be happy...i try every day to be happy...to help others...to try to help other achieve what i could not...love...a life with some they love...my biggest achievement is continue to life...is continue to move forward even when know that i am on the road to lose the only thing i dream off....Anna....every day i have less hope that Anna will return to my life...
i am not going to kill myself...i am not going to start a spiral of danger addiction, i am not going to speed in my car..i am not going to jump in the sea in the monster conditions, just to try....maybe i will take bigger risks...my sport involves the ocean....maybe i would go out in days i shouldnt,..maybe i will take an extra risk here and there..maybe i will consider stupid...mad..but i am not afraid...i lost the fear...i have no fear in my heart...i am free from fear, any fear....all fears...i fear nothing, work...people...fighting...dying...i am free....its a strange feeling, i am free from fear,i am not trying find death in a indirect way, no, i will carry on living...i enjoy life...if you see me from the outside...i will look the same...i can laugh...i can smile...be happy...but i but inside, i am not the same...my love is over...i maybe will find someone i can respect, enjoy her company...be a true partner...make her happy....but i cannot give her what i would have gave Anna, i cannot give her my soul...i cannot give my pure love...i cannot say...you are my ONE....becasue thoses things are no longer mine to give...
what now???? how i deal with every day??? like every one...like so many other people, i will carry on...living...smiling...trying to enjoy what live gives me...doing exercise...trying to be happy, laughing, enjoy the sun, the rain, the little things life gives you, being there for my family, being a good friend...keep helping any one i can, i am no bitter...i not defected...i am still here...i am still fighting...i mabe maybe be bleeding...i maybe broken...i am heart broken...but i am not defected!!! i am still standing!! i am still here!!!
i will keep pushing, i will be here...i will never stop, i will not start drinking..i am not taking drugs' am not going to stop to exercise...in fact is the opposite....i will exercise more...be better...this is my biggest achievement, is to be here, is to continue to live, is continue to believe in a better tomorrow...that i will happy, that i will be one day fully happy...that love will one touch me...
cars? money? fame? reputations? awards? that is nothing, that is not important for me, i dont care about this things, i care about being good to others, helping, try to touch others people lives, try to help reaching their happiness...i am trying to mend my connection with my brother...we were never very close...very different life styles...i am now trying to help him, try to build a bound, trying to bring us together again, be a true family...i am reaching for people i dont know, i help in animal shelter...i try to be better for my family, i try to be more considering to others...life is made of small things...when you give your seat to some one older...when you open a door...when help...you are not saying to the other..you cannot do it....you are not bring them down...you are showing that you care..that you value them...there is nothing more...its just a sign you care..i carry a bag for an old lady from the supermarket..in the end she wants to give same money...i laugh and said, you already paid me!!!! she smile....i think she understood...the best payment is the reward of helping...
i fought yesterday to protect a gay couple...i went to cinema...i left my car far because i couldnt get a place near the cinema...on the way to the car i saw this 3 guys shouting and pushing a gay couple...there was people passing by..no one look...no one did nothing...i saw several people pass by and pretend there was nothing happening, its not their problem, i couldnt pass and pretend its ok...there are things i cannot see and pretend they are not happening...every one is the same...you should respect every one the same way...you are what values you stand for...not what is your sexual orientation....i fought...for people i dont know...for a cause i didnt understood...i fight for what is right...i have a huge bruise in leg from a kick...my knee is bad...i all screeched from falling...i have two cuts on my eye brow...i stilll have big cut on lip, i another bruise in chest... why do i go and do this??? because it was the right thing to do...i am ready to pay the price..i am ready to pay the ultimate price..i am not ready be like others...like all the people who just watch...and didnt do nothing...i couldnt see 3 guys attacking this gay sinky couple...for no reason...maybe just because they were gay....i told a lot gay jokes...Anna knows this from my past...i would make fun of gays...i am not the same...today was the ultimate prove...i fight a fight which not mine...i did get hurt, i bleed, i was put down...but i stand up...i still have pain today...but i didnt gave up...in the end i was there....my face cover in blood...two guys in the floor...the 3 one run away, i hurt them bad...i am not proud of that...its not like the films...i was in pain....it hurts...but there was no feeling...no fear...no joy...nothing...in the end was just me looking at them...laying there in the street...the gay couple told me...god bless you....which something i didnt expect to hear....told them...i am not bless by god....i think god forgot me a long time ago.. they were suprised by this answer, but this is real, dont feel blessed, but this doesnt stop from doing the right thing...this is how i life my life from now....i am no saint...i am not free from sin...i am not in a mission...i am not great person in here...i am just a guy, who see his love move away every day, that see his biggest dream closing down every day...its very hard to life with no hope...but i will try every day...i will try to bring to others what i dont have..hope...joy...happiness, to be the best person for others...that is my biggest achievement....and be alive...to be able to smile....to try to be happy!!!
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