feeling

Our lifes are long strange long puzzle, some days we are full of happiness, others we are just feeling blue, yesterday was on tv the city of angels, i like this film a lot, but i felt a different way now, i felt it more deep, and i believe what he says, that he would trade eternity for a kiss, i understand, because i can feel the same!!

i would trade many of my years for the Anna love, what is more important, to life a long life or life with love, your special person, the ONE!!!! we all die, there is not mistake in here, we all die, life is just a day, we know it will end, we know it doesnt come back and yet sometimes we dont use this magic times!!

i am here for on almost 3 months, life at work start to be more easy, i start to understand the topic more, i start to be able to go in my working life without panic, but my personal life seens not to improve, i see Anna, yes, but as much as i would hope, we are doing anything together, not walking, not going for a film, nothing, i dream with the day i see her again, i get anxious like a15 old kid, i get nervous, and when i see i should to kiss and say how beautiful she is!!! but i dont say nothing, i dont want to lose the chance to see her, i have to much love for her!!!i keep hoping for that day, but that day is never coming...

i went to the church yesterday to light a candle for her, she is going in try to have a new chance in the professional life, i went to ask for her, and i was true, my first wish is her happiness, even if she is not happy with me, will i be happy if she gets a boyfriend?? a new relantionship??? no, i am honest, i will suffer, but i will understand, i will know she will be happy, i will be like shit, and i think i will walk away...but i care about her being happy, if i see her laugh, if i see her happy, this will give me peace!!

I was in the gym yesterday, i am getting in a great shape, i am trying to be in the best shape ever, to be in the best of me, it the only thing i can do, i can try to improve my life as much as possible, and i was gym, i see people, i see guys with ring in the finger hitting on girls, i hear their talks in while you change clothes, this people dont have love, they think, hey, i am man, i can do what ever i want, there is no respect, no love, yesterday 3 guys where talking, and saying, hey, i am married, but i have need, i need a new affair and all the others where laughing and saying...yes...all married, they look at me and say, hey..we are man, we should f--K any girl we can...i answer, no, i look him in the eyes and say, i see you dont know what true love is...there was a silence...i move to have my shower, and i could hear, that guy is stupid!!! and they all laugh...i guess they will never will know what is true love...

i know, i have it, and its not easy dont have the women you love so much by you, i clean my apartment, its a zen a thing, no work is to small to be done, in kendo, part of the exercise is cleaning the dojo, and i was thinking, how much i was wrong when i was with Anna, i dont show my true commitment, if you are together we should be together for everything, sharing the good and bad, sharing the bills, rent, tv, food, you should be a team, there should be this is my, this is yours, no, there should be i and you, there should be only us!!!! this is our bill, this is our task, this is our life!!! together, side by side!!! for everything!!!
this is love, this is the right way to life..

one of thing i regret is not having the chance to show Anna, how much i am different, how much we would be perfect, have i hope??? yes...no...yes...no....i not easy to answer, but i am not a person to quit, i will never quit, i can walk away, i can disappear from her life, but i will never quit!!!   

maybe one day i can be happy with the women i love!!! Anna!!!