what can i expect?

I keep asking myself, what can i expect? can i hope that one day i will have the love of Anna back in my life? there was a few moments last weeks that i think, YES!!! but there a lot now that maybe me question..maybe i cannot have Anna back in my life!!!

I am doing my best, to support, to be a friend, to be there, to try to bring joy, happiness support, love to her, but it looks like its not enough....maybe she can be friend...i love her to be my friend...i enjoy see her, i feel happy that we can be together and have a nice dinner, a laugh, a mad conversation about nothing, love see her sleep in my car on the way back from a concert, i love all of this, but i as see my heart wants more...and more....i want to be in her life all the time, i want to kiss, to be her man, her husband, the father of her kids...

i know that once i promise her that i would be her friend...that i had no secret plan....its true...i try..i really try....but i cannot...i love her to much...i love her so much that she has a power over me that i dont even like to admitted...i know i have to be patient...to take each day with calm...but it not easy.....i am afraid one day i will lose my control and tell her how much i love her...and i am afraid for what will happen after that...but i am starting to think...can i life like this??? pretend i dont love her??? that everything is fine??? i smile...what a mess my life is!!!!!

i have a long time friend who is inviting me for an holidays with her...she want to have a relationship with me...if i was not in love with Anna i would give it a try, even if this meant moving to a different continent...to land down under...if i go in holidays with her...i know nothing will happen...but even like this i feel guilty..its like i am cheating on Anna....by the simple fact i am having holidays with another women...its not good....i know...love is not an easy feeling...

i am also annoyed because i am not recovering from my physical pains...if i was ok...i would be running like mad...i would in the gym pushing like a maniac...i pray a lot...and sometimes i think God is not listen to me...that he forgot me...i dont know....i feel like every day is test...a endurance event i need to suffer, i dont know...there is a lot of unknowns in my life....can i expect a happy end?? can i expect to be able to cook for Anna and her child???? can i expect to get one day on my knee and ask her to be my wife for the rest of my life??? i hope Anna will understand....she have me here for her, for ever, a man that will be her diamond for life...she shouldnt be looking for rocks when she have the perfect person for her in me...but this is not my choice...its her choice...

spring is coming...i hope my love will give me a chance to bring the sun in her life!!!