Its getting close to month i move here, to this place, a new job, a new apartment, new gym, and getting close to Anna, a new life!!!!
Things are happening yes, not like I dream, but I have to be realistic, my job is super tough, and I not yet to the level where I can expect to take every day in easy way, its been not easy, its like trying to swim in monster waves, you don’t even worry about the technique you simply try not to drown, but I don’t mind, I am here!!! I see Anna, its true not as much as want, but I need to give her space, time…I gave her my word, I would not have no plans, I don’t, I don’t try anything, I try to be the perfect friend, in my “book” I would pick up friend from the airport, I did that a lot to guys who are my friends or girls, I provide them with a support system, if they need something they knew that they can call me….come to house…I am good friend, its who I am, I will always be there for the ones I care…
And for Anna I would ever and ever be there, I don’t try to seduce, what I feel is what I feel, and I if feel that I am being bad to her, I will disappear from her life, her happiness means everything to me, that is the ultimate prove of love, go away so your love can be happy!!! I would do that!!! Anna is everything to me, I cannot fail as friend and as a person you love her!
Is there a contradiction in here? Friend? Love? Yes,no??? I don’t know…I don’t truly know…I know what I feel…I know that see her makes me smile…feel happy…but also I can survive without her, I can resist the pain, I can life my life…I can smile…I saw my self on Friday making jokes, like I didn’t do for a long time in the office, I am happy person again!!!! I would be much more happy with Anna : )
The first smile I put in here…I must mean something!!!!!!
I running in fine line, Anna once told me she will never see again because we couldn’t be friends, because I have feelings for her…that moment is stuck in my mind for ever, I will do everything not to lose her, she is the only person in this planet that knows everything about me, she as been the more positive influence in me ever, if I am better person today its because of her, she put me in the right path, she help me grown, she help me in turning a smart ass guy, who act very differently from the age on his ID card, he turn a guy who always put himself in the first place, to a person who is patient, caring, generous, grown up, she open in me all the best in me, how can I lose this person??? I cannot!!!! I simple cannot!!!!
Anna is away in business trip, and I went to the gym, as I was going to workout I saw her child…I look…I smile…I remember this little baby…so grown up,…happy..I wonder who is she in here, her grandmother? She was with a man, I think its her father, he hated me, he use my love child to make our life bad, he run a campaign against me, I didn’t like him, now…I understand…I almost went and say,I do understand, I can feel what you felt….
But there is a huge difference, he was blessed with a child, my love child, and he have now found a partner and have another child….he is so much better them me…he didn’t understand then, maybe he does know, we say hi, and there was no hate in his eyes, just a smile…knows..he has everything, he has love, two kids, I have the memories…
I have hope, hope in the future, every day that pass by I start to see the reality going, I maybe will never have this weekend morning moments where she would sleep with her head in my chest, I will never caresses her hair while we watch tv, I will never hold her hand again…and I will never will lose hope…but what should I do? Give up?? i dont know...maybe i should focus in me...and my life...
there is a song from human league, where the lyrics say...there are wounds you dont want to close...I will never be free from the Anna love, this is not a stalker talks...or a depressive approach...not, its a fact...some people stay in your heart forever, Anna is my true love, we only have one true love...in the moment I will die, my last thought will be for her, I will die with her smile in my mind..
People say that they would sell their souls for money, for love, for fame...I cannot sell my soul, my soul is not mine any more, I gave it to Anna!!! She has my soul, my heart, my love!!! she have my soul in the day of my birthday, many years ago....she gave a super nice gift, something i keep wearing and i will always wear...i gave her my gold neckless...it was a gift from my grandmother...she bought it the day i was born...i was given it when i turn 18, i promise my self...i would give this to the women would be the mother of my kids...i was in my neck through all the relantionships...never come out...and i gave to Anna, my idea was to give to her..she would give it to our child the day he/she would turn 18, a pass of love in our families...she have it today...i dont know if she use it...or its in a box...i never told her this...in that moment i was thinking it was not manly to say this...what stupid men!!!
How Anna and I will finish I don’t know, how I feel for her I know, she will be my ONE for ever! but life goes on...and i am looking at life in the eyes...and i am not blinking..i am moving forward, better, stronger...more human!!!
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