being happy?

Being happy? Are you happy? What makes us happy??? Money? Power? Fame? Sex? Love? Friends? Success? For every one there is that special thing that makes in happy, I don’t say happy in the large sense, but that special feeling that magic in your heart, the feeling that you sing on way, the feeling that makes you smile while you pedal in your bike after work all wet and cold, that feeling…that magic feeling….you are happy, you feel the world is beautiful, you are the must luck person in the world…

What makes me feel like that? Be with Anna, having a laugh with her, see her, see her smile, and I feel that I will never will have the magic back in my life, and its not easy to accept, today i was in supermarket line to pay in front of me was this amazing beautiful and sexy girl, and she ask me if i could keep her place in the queue while she gets some milk, she return and we talk about how slow the cashiers were...7 years ago, i would feel this was my lucky day, i would ask her number, would try to ask her out, now? no, i was nice, i smile, but i feel nothing, my hear has place only for one, and that place is taken, maybe it will never will be free again...what you feel is what you feel, even if the other person doesnt feel back to you!!! maybe i should have take advantage...but you react in the way you feel, there is a time and place for everything...and i am happy with the way life!!
we are now living in the same city, I was hoping we could see each other, special during the weekend…to have a coffee…just to talk, to see a film, I don’t expect any romantic thing, just the way to friends meet, but this is the second weekend were she avoids me, I don’t say anything, I know for her, I am not an top priority, but I was hoping she think of me as true close friend…I would never do that to any of any girlfriend so my past, I would have make sure that I give them all the support of arriving in a new place, but can ask more? I am being unfair?

Have to much love in my heart, I am letting my secret feelings for her cloud my mind?? I cannot say to her how beautiful she look in her birthday in that blue dress, how amazing her hair looks, how much enjoy see her eyes...and yet I cannot say this, because I am afraid she will never see me again, and I don’t like this feeling of being afraid to say what I feel…i feel a bit lost…I wish so much that things would be back like they were, because I know I can make her happy, I know that she would be safe with me, I could give her everything she dreamed, everything, and yet she doesn’t give me this change, I have the feeling she is afraid of being happy!!!!

When every one is hurt around you, when all you see is pain and suffering you become afraid to love, you become afraid to take risks, you build a wall around you, and you lose any chane of being happy, I am not my father, I am not my friends, I am not Anna father, I am not Anna friends, I am not Anna former lovers, I am me…just that, a guy, a person, some who learn, you grow, you is ready, who can make her the must happy person in the world, or any other person I would love, because I know the importance of love, I don’t want to have lots of loves in my live, I am not in a competition with life to see how I can collect in terms of money, power, money, I am just a person, a man who wants to make the women he loves happy, feelded special, feel secure, feel that she can go to sleep knowing that there will be some one at her side for ever, for every thing, some one who will love her to the day he dies…

I cannot answer for others, I cannot know what others do, I can only answer for me, I can only speak for myself, I can see the darkness around me, but I don’t let this take control of me, I don’t let pain and suffer let me try to risk love, i don’t let the past control my future…I speak, I feel for me….and I know…dont be afraid...life is about taking risks,dont let fear control you, don’t be afraid of pain, don’t be afraid of taking chances…LIFE..LOVE!!!!! Never stop believing. You can be happy!!! be trully happy!!