The fact i am now sharing a city with Anna, makes me look at lots of things that pass by, and also as the time pass by, i start to wonder if one day I will be a father? I don’t want to be the father for the sake of having kid, its maybe not fair to say this, but I have the feeling that some people have kids in the same why that get a dog, because is in fashion, its what society expect from them…
I see a child as a celebration of love between two persons, not to fill my ego, not to have a “second me” do and achieve what I couldn’t, i would like a child to show to the world my love with another person, to say, I love this person so much we had a child together.
I wonder, will I ever kiss the belly of the women I love, will I ever tell stories to my child while she is still in the belly of my love???
I have so much love to give, I grow up so much this last year, yes, with pain, with lost, but I grow, I am much better person now, i want to kiss, to gentle touch the belly of my love, I want to take photos, I want to make a journal of the first kick, the first time he or she moves, I want to be the best person in this planet for the mother, for my love, I dream with us in a big sofa she lying down, with her head in my lap while I tell her and the baby stories about how much I love her his mother!!!! I want to be there at the time , not film, not to show the world, no to hold the hand of my love, to tell how much I love her, to be there when the child comes, to be present every time they need me, to put them as my priority, not to be tired to be there for them, I say this, I would never ever will leave my love and her child, I will make my life being there for them every day, until I die!!! And this is not empty words, this is promise, a commitment, for ever!!!
This is not an easy post to write, its very personal, it’s about something I think it’s a high point of every person to see a child of love, to see how much you can love some one that you are willing to bring a person to this world, to be there for this child forever…
I am here totally honest, I always think I would prefer a boy as a child, now I don’t feel this is important, this is a huge change, I just would like to have a child, a baby, a love, maybe this feels as shellfish, I don’t know, I just express what I feel…
And I know maybe I could have all of this with Anna, which drives me mad, but I was not ready, I was full of stupid preconceived ideas, about how to raise our child, I would think discipline, tough, rules, I have posts about this, I was so wrong, I was so stupid, I know now that they were wrong, they were so wrong…
You maybe say, you are saying this here to “look good” if you knew as a person you would know I have only one word, if I know talk is easy, but I do what I say, I never promise what I cannot do, its who I am, I a different person now…
I am ready to give a child love, to give her hugs and kisses, to bring the best in her, him, to mature the good points, don’t be a father of “NO”, people who keep saying..dont do this, don’t eat that…seat still, eat your food…I saw that you can get all of that with love, with peace, with simply talking, with simply give attention to your child, so she/he doesn’t need to misbehave to attract your attention…
Will I be a father? Will I love someone to have child?? I love Anna, I can I say this???? I shouldn’t say this, I shouldn’t even try to feel this, but I do, I would love to love Anna and have a child with her, but if this is not possible, I need to move on, I cannot be a person who will be a lost and waiting for ever for the love will never return, for that second change that never happen, I need to look for the future with an open heart…
I just know one thing, I have a heart full of love, I hope god give a change to make some one very very happy person…is this to much to ask???
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