Ex...

Yesterday I had a coffee with Anna, i found out that i am not a friend, i am not some one she wants to go out with, i am not a person she wants to have dinner, i can get a coffee, maximum i can have lunch, i am a ex....she even told me...that she had several valentines messages...why should i care?....i am ex....was to hurt me? to test me? i am basically no body for her, I cannot take to a cinema, I cannot take her to dinner, I cannot see her child…

For me, is different, i dont label persons, i go out with people i enjoy the company, who i can laugh with, with whom i can have a good time, if its a old girlfriend, a colleague from work, some one i meet in a meeting, doesnt make a difference...its how i relate to this person, if i can have a good time or not...and me and Anna, the talk is easy, its fluent, there is no secrets...and yet....coffee..cinema no....i dont understand...either you want to see same one or not...so what is the difference betweene having lunch with me and not having dinner...its the time?? i dont understand...

How this words made me feel??? There is no words… because I always consider that we were friends, that what we life together meant something, that she would be happy to have some one by her side that would always would help her, who didn’t want anything in return besides knowing she is happy…no…I am an ex….i miss a meeting yesterday,…I had meeting..i didn’t even remember that I had a meeting….i was thinking…how can this person, this beautiful soul could be so cold…you are an ex….i am not an ex from yesterday…I am ex for more them a year and we never stop having lunches, dinners, going to places…no…not any more…

she told me she doesnt give a second change...she doesn’t believe in second chances…she doesnt believe people can change....and she complies that she cannot get any good things in live, that life is not good, that she is being punished by making a mistake in past…
she doesn’t even realize, she doesn’t even want to see that I could change all her life, I could bring joy, light, happiness, magic, in her life, no…I am ex…

should I never speak to her again??? Should never see her again??? I don’t want to lose her…but I have the feeling I already did….that she is so lost that she cannot even see the door to her problems, she is so convinced that she need to everything alone, that she needs no one, that she confuses, being what is pure love and friendship with interest and second motives….what do you do when the person who means everything to you say to you....you are nothing...you have no value for me...i look at her....i am fine...i am able to resist....i can survive...i am much better....i dont enjoy listen to this....i dont understand how some one who told in July we will be friends for ever...now says to me...you are nothing...you are an ex....and she puts in the same level of people who were mean to her...i am ex…a discarded card…

i almost lost my control...and say to her..i love you....i will always love you...you are not happy because you let fear control you...you are so afraid to be happy....you are much looking at the dark....that you forgot how the sun looks like...but i didnt nothing...why....because if i done that, i would never would see her...how can i lose her??? how can i never see the must important person in my life??? Or should I have told her that, I know what would have been the result…every day I am more close to that moment, the moment were I am honest, I am true, and I will lose her for ever…

i will have a lot to think....i have to think if i open to her my heart...and move for ever from her life...its the must hard decision i have to take...but how can i hope..if the person i love doesnt want me...doesnt want to see me??? doesnt want to even go out to cinema with me???

i am ok....i am not going to do something stupid, i am not going to go crazy....i will sleep...i will be going to the gym in the morning...i will eat....i will try to enjoy the weekend....but life today lost most if its magic...lost most of its charm....

Anna, you dont believe people can change??? if you had gone out with me...you would have seen how much i change...but you will never know...you dont believe in second changes...i dont want a second change...i just want to start knowing you again...see like we are now together...we are not the same persons as before...we are now perfect for each other...you dont think you can have a good break in life??? i am here...i could open you to a magic life...to a wonderful life....but you prefer to stay in a dark room and dont come out and enjoy the sun, and prefer to say....my days are always dark...i dont get any sun...you dont let me show you the sun...you are afraid...you dont want to give me a chance....

This are very confusing times…if I was giving advice to a friend I would tell him, open your heart and leave…leave her forever…but how can I leave the most important thing in my life….
i dont know...i feel I have to life without any hope…I cannot even write in a proper way…tough times…