Valentines day, how much i hate this day, its there to show me how much i am alone, how much i miss my friend, my muse, my light, its like a day where you have the feeling, that you failed in life, that you are no good, that you must be defected, hey, you have no girlfriend!!! bloody day!!!
i get sick about this hearts i see every where, i get mad when people ask you, so where are you going to pass valentines day, i answer, at home!!!! drink a bottle of red wine...alone!!!!!
And February is even more tough for me, not a few days after valentines day, its the day i celebrate for many years, the start of my love with Anna, our first kiss, the first time i hold her hand as her boyfriend..this is not easy times for me...there is so many memories...so many dreams..so much hope...and now....what i have??? memories...hope is almost gone..i have almost no hope...how can you life without hope??? that is the worse, in my darkest moment, i always had hope, i hope if chance, if i move to close to Anna, if i show her that we could be friends, i would keep the change of see her, of talking to her, of see her child, i didnt hope more them that, for me that would be great!! i didnt hope for a her to drop in my arms, but i now this hope that we would be good friends...like we were for the last two years is almost gone...i dont understand...
how can you enjoy your days when the person you means everything to you, starts treating you bad? just i play the same game? no, i will never do that, in a case like this, i will simply stop see her...i would do this if i have to, but i will do it with a heavy heart, its like i get blind, my eyes will not be able to see the person they want more them everything in the world...
Valentines day...its like a punch in my face, in my stomach, its like life is looking at me...and say....you fail...you dont deserve Anna love....for the first time i see this day without any hope...without any good feeling...before..even when i was alone, i was fine...i knew...there is same one out there for me, i simply need to go and look..now...i found her...i found my ONE, and she is not with me...
if i could go back to 2003...that year where i fail...where i decide not to face what i feel...i move away...where i pretend nothing was happening,....that i didnt love her...that i was fine...and start chasing girls for all the wrong reasons...sex..to hide my feeling, to try to fill this void in my chest..if i could be back in 2003...i would have go to Anna house...and would screen...ANNA..MARRY ME!!!
but i cannot...that is not possible...in 2012, i would be happy...very happy just to have a coffee with her...life is a strange journey...
i was out...i keep going out....i keep going out with friends...but in look at girls...and i dont feel nothing...nothing...i keep thinking about Anna....
If you in a relationship, you have 4 days to make a declaration of your love...write a card, make a gift, the price is not important, give something from your heart...give a sign of your love...thinking about people like me...who have nothing...you have everything...dont lose it...dont thing life is better on the other side...its not...dont lose that person because you think your work, hobby, friends, sport, what ever....nothing is more important that your love...them the person you love...please...please..dont do like me...love....love for ever!!!!!
i learn my lesson...i will love forever!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment