Pain

I have pain in my heart, its tough, i feel that i am losing all hope, that my life is a mess, that i will never be Anna special person again...that i will not kiss her lips...never to hear again...i love you!!! i cannot blame Anna, she never lie to me...she was never unfair to me, she was always honest with me, she didnt promise me nothing...she told me she didnt love any more a few months ago...she ask me not to have any expectations...

But...i was thinking, if i come to life in the same city, same country as her, if i show her how much i changed, now much i love her, how the the things that makes us separete were over...i would had a change...i would have possibility of start a little spark in her heart, to make her slowly feel something for me...to have a tiny chance of love...

and because of this....i let hope...i let ilusion enter my hear, for while i try to say to myself....i will be just her friend...i will be her friend...i have no agenda...no plan....i try...i am being honest...when i promise this to Anna, i was not liying, i was being honest, i was being truth, but as i see her...when i see her...its like magic....its like for that time there is just happniess in in heart...i feel so good...its like in that moment i know...there is a God....because only the time i am with her...its a sign...a show...a prove...there must a heaven some where...when i die one day...i hope my heaven will be with Anna for eternity...but this is just to say...i felt for her....the love in my heart come back like a monster wave....i am totaly lost....i love Anna...she is the women of my life...no...there was no promises...no...i will give you a second chance...no

this week i had a reality check...i cannot see her child...i volunteer to babyseat her child so she can go to the gym...she said no...she doesnt want to confuse her child...i understand...but this also means...i dont have any hope to play a role in their lifes...we talk a bit about the past...i was very close to tears...and we are having a formal dinner with other people....yes...she went to have dinner with me...why?? i hope because likes my companion...that i am good "force" in her life...i hope not for pity...not for "charity"...but i was very close to cry in a dinner with people i know...it was tough...and she told me...too late...this words cut like a knife...if some one had stab me...i think with i would suffer less...

i have pain...i have despair..and my first reaction on the way home..was to start to think...why she is doing this to me????? but i realise...she is not doing nothing to me...she was always honest with me...i am doing things to myself...i am start to see things and take them to a different meaning...i am the one creating a "film" in my mind...this is the true...i am the one to blame...i let my mind create expectations...ideas...

in fact we all do this...but i cannot blame Anna...i love her...yes...i love her...so much!!!! but i need to start learning to life with the fact...that maybe love is not enough...that i am will be in love with her for the rest of my life...but i have to find a way to life without her..

how??? i dont know...i dont have a clue...i dont have any idea...how can you carry on living without the person you love more them everything???? you just go day by day...one day at the time...i will try to fill each day with things that give me pleasure...that i can smile...that i can find a way to laugh...and hope one day...maybe...she would find in her heart...the flame of my love...

so...dont blame other for something its your fault...be fair...be real...be honest...when we love we lose track of reality...but be a man...be women...and accept your responsabilty!!!!!

i have pain...yes...a lot...but i will know that i can endure this pain...i know that right know i am bruise...i am broken...but i am not down...i am not a person who will quit...i will be here...i will carry on fighting, for my happiness...for my life...for Anna.