Parties....i have attend a few in my last 3 months, i meet people...i am was invitade for a few parties, i go out, i almost force myself to go out, i keep going out, but i think its just to escape the feeling of being alone at home.
Anna ask if i see some one...i say yes and no....its true...i see other people, but not in that sense, i dont feel nothing, every time i go out i feel bad, i think about Anna all the time, i ask myself what the hell i am doing there...i went for a while to this thrusdays parties...i remember..i was in one..and all i feel, what i could think was about Anna...i left, i never return, some of my friends, my colleagues keep going, i hear all the time....hey..come on, there is nice women in there...but i dont go!!!
last week i went to wine tasting, two very nice looking italian girls come talk to me...and we talk a bit..and when i decide to leave...it was not that late, around 23.00, one girl ask me..hey, dont you want our phone number...i couldnt remember anything to say....i just said...i am sorry, but i am not free....
i am not free...i am out of the market, and this is not good, because i have not a person waiting for me, i dont have no one to love me, and yet i am not free...i have only one place in my heart...
i keep asking myself, i sould go out, go out, enjoy the life...but what is the point if i dont have any good feelings from going out??? i am starting to go back to what i felt in 2003,2004...i get more and more focus in closing down my pain, i am starting to push hard again in the gym, i push hard, them i have huge pain after, but i dont care...i almost shave my head yesterday, it would have been a monster shock in my office...i am close to that...my colleagues who dont know me very well, they see me, they think i am ok, they have a vision of me, maybe that i "promote" that is not who i am truly, there is a lot more about me them they see, yes, i laugh....i smile...but i cannot say i am happy..i am not sad either...i am in a sort of limbo....for every day that i lost hope before i always regain a bit of hope after...i am losing all hope now...day after day....
so going to parties is not going to make me any happier...i need to deal with this in my own terms, i need to get a clean mind...i had a long look at me...why i write??? why i write this blog??? maybe my biggest reason...even if never want to considered it...was i hopping one day Anna would found this blog...and realise how much i have to offer....how much i love her...
is this very childish??? maybe she would read and say...nice words...but i dont feel nothing...i dont know...i know i will stop going out for a while...i need to be thinking about what is good for me...what is important for my life....how i will live my life in the future....
wish i could write in the future a post saying...i am so happy...i have hope...but i dont think so....
if you are in the same situation, dont go out just to go out, dont drink just to drink...dont go and pretend you are having fun, be honest with yourself...listen to your heart...if your heart say..stay home...stay home..this is not having pitty of yourself...not be sorry for yourself...no...its staying home and have a good time...have a nice meal, read a good book...sleep a good night...it means go out...but to the beach, to country, to cinema...its about feel your life with things that you feel confortable..and them you can smile...you can say....i am honest with me...i could go out, get some girls...take them home...i wouldnt be any happier..i would had sex..yes...but not make me a happy person...we shouldnt follow just the instant gratification...we should be more deep as persons...we should have values, honor, respect, virtude...
life is not a simple process...but i need to be honest...with me...so i will stop going to parties....i will be honest with my own feelings...i maybe never be with Anna again....but in my heart she will always be there for me!!!
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